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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to please give it straight to me

206 replies

Mintsandpinks · 31/01/2015 14:22

I'm mind thirties.

In overweight. Really overweight. Disgustingly so. I even make myself sick (I don't mean I'm bulimic! I mean - I make myself feel sick as I'm so fat.)

I have few friends. No boyfriend, never had a boyfriend.

Barely a career.

Never done anything that can be a talking point. Never been on holiday since I was at school with my mum and dad. Never go out for drinks or meals out. Never do much of anything.

Now - I know I'm a state. My flat is a state and I'm a mess. My finances are a mess too.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
JennyBlueWren · 31/01/2015 14:46

Don't look at everything at once. Set yourself three small targets such as going for a short walk this afternoon or to clean the bathroom. If you look at everything it will be an insurmountable mountain whereas you need to see each little step as an acheivement.

Longer term I would suggest you tidy the house and then invite a few folk from work around. If successful you can build on it to socialise more.

SoleSource · 31/01/2015 14:48

Sent you a PM.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 31/01/2015 14:48

If you had help from your GP you might have the energy and will to tackle the other things. Believe me, you are not past helping. Ask for help! I hope you feel better soon Thanks Thanks Thanks

Can you say what is stopping you from approaching your GP?

ImperialBlether · 31/01/2015 14:48

She's right - a doctor telling you you're overweight would probably be the last thing she needs at the moment. Love how they tell people as though they'd never noticed.

firstposts · 31/01/2015 14:48

You sound depressed sweetheart. I know you said you don't want a GP, but if you are depressed it can be treated in a multitude of ways. Ultimately you posted because you want things to be different, you want a better quality of life. You don't want to die you just want the pain to stop.

ImperialBlether · 31/01/2015 14:49

What's your family situation like?

Whereabouts are you? Could you give us a region?

Original poster
Mintsandpinks · 31/01/2015 14:49

I don't know anyone from work and they wouldn't come anyway. Whenever I've tried to organise stuff in the past it's been a disaster!

Yeah the flats messy ... It's not that though. I've nowhere to put anything and so it's messy even when it's not. Sorry, clumsy phrasing. What I mean is I have tidied and it's still messy!

OP posts:
Quiero · 31/01/2015 14:50

Mints what do you think is stopping you from making changes to your life?

Original poster
Mintsandpinks · 31/01/2015 14:50

To be honest I honestly don't think I'm depressed; I have been in the past but I don't feel sad or tearful or even hopeless. I just feel like hiding somehow!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mintsandpinks · 31/01/2015 14:51

Oh quiero being fat, poor and friendless kind of rules a lot of stuff out!

OP posts:
nachohousekeeper · 31/01/2015 14:51

Sorry, I know it doesn't help when people like me go on about seeing a GP. If you don't want to do that, would you consider other help?

I'm not sure if it's a national thing but we have something locally called wellbeing hubs. They are run partly by the council and you can self refer. They would help you tackle lots of the things you have listed and may use an approach that suits you better then medical intervention.

Just something to consider. Hope you feel even a tiny bit better soon.

SolomanDaisy · 31/01/2015 14:51

Honestly, not all doctors will comment on your weight, but I know what it's like to worry about that. I'm sure you're not at risk of imminent death from your weight, so a nice Dr won't suggest it. Why don't you have a look at some websites of local GPs, lots will have photos of the GPs and you'll be able to see that lots of them are overweight too.

Do your family live nearby? Could you go and see them, just to get out and about today?

AimlesslyPurposeful · 31/01/2015 14:51

So sorry you're feeling this way.

As PPs have said, what bothers you the most? Perhaps tackle these things a little at a time.

If it's your weight can I tell you what helped me to lose five and a half stone? I walked! I felt embarrassed to go out and didn't want anyone to see me so I went walking when it was dark. I started with short walks and found that when I got home I didn't want to snack as it would have made my walk a waste of time. When a bit of weight came off I bought a rebounder (Mini trampoline) and would bounce about on that if there was a programme on I liked. When I didn't feel embarrassed to be seen I spent all my spare time walking and found I loved it and still do! It's great for keeping the weight off.

Obviously, if you're overeating you'll have to adjust your diet. That doesn't mean following any particular diet but just start making sensible choices and cutting down on unhealthy foods and filling up on good stuff.

As for your flat - Which room bothers you the most? Does it need decorating or just a clean and tidy up? If it's the latter then start with the room you spend the most time in so you have a lovely space to retreat to. Is there clutter? Do you really need it all or could you box it up and put it away/sell/donate? Once the clutter is gone go around the furniture with a spray cleaner or polish, wash cushion covers and curtains and any other fabrics in the room you can get in the washing machine. Then vacuum. All of that really shouldn't take that long.

Maybe as an incentive you could invite your friends over for dinner next weekend? Then you'd have to have a tidy space for them to sit and and clean kitchen and bathroom. You could also find a really healthy and filling meal to cook for them and then talk to them about the changed you'd like to make and ask for their support.

dragdownthemoon · 31/01/2015 14:52

I agree with the suggestion of a slimming club. I think this could be the first step for you - get out the flat, meet new people, loose some weight, find a support network. I attend Slimming World and the groups are fun, the people are nice, and believe me there are people of all shapes and sizes, so you don't need to feel concious about your size, after all that would be the reason you are there! I've made some great friends at Slimming World, and you will get the support you need to feel better about yourself...

What PPs have said, you can't change it all at once. Xx

SorchaN · 31/01/2015 14:53

Yeah, I agree with SolomanDaisy, it's an internet diagnosis of depression from me as well. Of course, I can't actually diagnose you because (a) I haven't met you and (b) I'm not a doctor. So I also agree that talking to your GP would be a good first step.

Do you know why you're very overweight? I've never met a very overweight person who didn't have a reason. Sometimes it's medical; sometimes it's emotional; sometimes it's social/political. But it's always something outside the person's control.

Dealing with the reasons for weight gain is not usually easy. But it can be very effective. And it helps to have help, if you see what I mean.

You don't deserve to be unhappy. You can ask for help in getting happier. You asked what you should do... I think you should see a doctor. If you don't want to see a doctor, there's probably a reason for that too...

I hope things will get better for you soon.

ourglass · 31/01/2015 14:53

I'm sorry you're feeling so down Flowers

When I feel like I have a lot to do or a lot on my mind I write it all down, start with the easiest stuff and work my way through the list. Often I have less problems than I thought I did. Baby steps, start small.

So your list may look like this;

  • Tidy flat, room by room, chuck out clutter and rubbish
  • Speak to CAB re your finances
  • Invite someone over, anyone you like
  • Tackle your eating. Day by day. Sensible eating of 3 meals a day and a couple of snacks. Get some exercise in there. There's an app called 7 minute workout - it's brilliant.

You can change your life if you want to, only you are stopping you.

NickiFury · 31/01/2015 14:54

I think you sound like you have very little ability to self care. The fact that you don't have a GP or want one; is there a particular reason for that? The way you post reminds me of myself in my twenties, although I did have an active too active social life. I did not however self care, I never saw a doctor, I didn't eat well, I drank too much and did other substances too, dropped out of courses, did rubbish jobs etc. I just didn't care about myself. I now know I was horrible depressed and probably suffering PTSD from an unhappy childhood with extremely controlling parents. You sound like you were never really taught how to look after yourself. Could there be anything similar going on with you?

Original poster
Mintsandpinks · 31/01/2015 14:55

I don't have enough friends to invite round for dinner really. Or - well if I invited all my friends I might but they are spread out over the uk and Ireland and India in one case.

Plus, honestly - whenever I've tried anything like this before it's a disaster. It was my birthday in June and I tried to book a restaurant only for 6 people to pull out at the eleventh hour leaving me and 3 other people sat on a massive table surrounded by sandwiches and cake. It was absolutely cringeworthy.

I know whatever I need to do I need to do alone. Just - finding the energy and the push. It helps to type it out so don't think you're not helping: you are :)

Solomon thanks unfortunately I have no family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mintsandpinks · 31/01/2015 14:56

There's probably a LOT in that nicki; I also had v v v (VVV!!!) controlling parents.

OP posts:
2fedup · 31/01/2015 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ourglass · 31/01/2015 14:56

There must be someone you can invite over. Hell, you don't even need to do that. Call someone for a chat, it will perk you up.

Original poster
Mintsandpinks · 31/01/2015 14:57

There isn't ourglass but cheers, thanks for that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mintsandpinks · 31/01/2015 14:57

And 'having a chat' is what I'm doing on here, you know?

OP posts:
Quiero · 31/01/2015 14:57

Being fat and poor and friendless has no impact what so ever on whether you can make changes. You use those as reasons to validate why you can't change but they aren't actually stopping you changing.

Until you are ready to start planning, you won't listen to us. Have a look at the cycle of change and see where you think you are and then have a think about what needs to happen to get you to the next stage.

Flowers
To ask you to please give it straight to me
Original poster
Mintsandpinks · 31/01/2015 15:00

I don't even understand that. Sorry.

OP posts: