To ask you to please give it straight to me

[Mintsandpinks]

I'm mind thirties.

In overweight. Really overweight. Disgustingly so. I even make myself sick (I don't mean I'm bulimic! I mean - I make myself feel sick as I'm so fat.)

I have few friends. No boyfriend, never had a boyfriend.

Barely a career.

Never done anything that can be a talking point. Never been on holiday since I was at school with my mum and dad. Never go out for drinks or meals out. Never do much of anything.

Now - I know I'm a state. My flat is a state and I'm a mess. My finances are a mess too.

I don't know what to do.

When you list all the the things like you have done, they become so overwhelming that you end up doing nothing. Pick one thing and put the others on hod just for now. Small achievable steps will help you start the journey.

E.g.

Messy flat:

Pick a room in your flat and only that room. Go and give it a tidy and a clean. Leave the cleaning there for today unless you feel like it.

Or, catch up on doing the laundry and ironing but just that on one day, unless you feel like it.

If you do one thing every day, you will see a real difference in two weeks. Having a tidier cleaner flat will give you a mental lift. Having this boost may make you feel like starting another thing on your list, perhaps a slimming club or a community group to boost your social life. Maybe some voluntary work?

Don't try and attempt to start it all today, you will end up doing nothing. Starting the thread in the weight forum and doing a cleaning task for a couple of hours is a great suggestion. You will have some satisfaction that at least one thing has been sorted and there will be something supportive and social to do once you have finished.

Irrespective of whether you have depression or not, you need a GP. Put that on the to do list for a working day in the week.

Ok. You want to know what helped me? As obvious as it sounds. Counselling. I actually saw a psychiatrist first as I was referred to one directly by my GP. I saw him a few times and then moved away but seeing him changed my life. The very first time I spoke to him I spoke about my parents and it was as though floodgates had opened. He explained so much to me, that all the blame I had been feeling towards myself for being so "useless" belonged elsewhere. He explained in mental health and scientific terms why I had an eating disorder and it ALL stemmed back to my childhood. From that moment I started to understand and like myself just a tiny little bit. Its taken years though and I am probably still not there despite quite a bit more counselling.

I think you need to get a GP as your first step and get an urgent referral for counselling.

Did my post come over offensive? If so I genuinely didn't mean it to - hard to convey tone and emotion over the Internet so I do apologise if you took it that way. I wouldn't have wrote that big post above if I wanted to be a dick.

Yes talking on here but talking to someone for real that knows you and can make you laugh may lift you up a bit.

It must be much harder to deal with all of this without family to fall back on.

What do you do that makes you enjoy? Do you have any hobbies?

OP i would suggest weight watchers online, and an app I downloaded a few days ago called home routines. Its working really well for me.

Best of luck.

But MN is no substitute for rl support. You asked for straight talk but then mutter shout being over sensitive to criticism.

Set yourself a few achievable goals. ie. Hoover lounge, wipe kitchen surfaces, put a clothes wash on and reward yourself with a treat or favourite tv show afterwards. Ju?t because you register with a gp doesn't mean you have to go immediately. It may open doors, you could even see a practice nurse instead for advice.

This may seem strange but when I feel the need to do more I make a bucket list and pretend im going to die in three months or so and I have to do everything before. Im better at getting things done under pressure. On your fake death day make a photo album whilst drinking wine!

OP. - Do you think you'd like to make more local friends? I have lots of friends, but like yours, many of them are spread around the UK and others live overseas. Great for emailing and visiting but not so great to invite over for Sunday lunch or a BBQ.

I had to make the effort to meet local friends and met a few of them through Mumsnet (Have a look at your Mumsnet Local Board) and more recently through a website called MeetUp. You just put your postcode in and it lists all the different groups and clubs meeting up near you. There may be an activity listed that you're interested in (Eg, photography, cookery, dance, cinema, history, walking etc). It's a great way to meet like minded people. Also, what about your local WI? Another great way to meet locals.

Sometimes just getting out of the house makes you feel lots better and can take your mind off things that might be getting you down.

I don't think it's over sensitive to point out that someone saying 'you must have someone' is obviously going to be a bit upsetting when I don't.

Anyway, the flat isn't messy so much as impossible to make look nice. Nowhere to put anything, old tatty furniture falling to bits, stained carpet. Nothing tidying can help with.

Thanks though some food for thought.

OP, is there anything you'd like to do instead of temping? Forget the weight thing for now as I know that can stop anyone doing something new, but if you could start a new career now what would it be?

You're feeling particularly sensitive at the moment so I think you may have taken my post to heart when you don't need to, there was no malice in my post I can assure you - I'm just trying to help.

I hope you feel better soon

I know that now ourglass - thanks.

I was just explaining I wasn't being over sensitive.

I wouldn't be able to afford or fund a career change.

Do what you can. Thats what I tell myself when I feel like you do.
Can't lose weight overnight but CAN try a healthy dinner tonight.
Can't go out but CAN do my nails and txt a friend just to ask how they are.
Can't change job but CAN look on jobsite for ideas. Etc.
Eventually little things add up and build confidence. Be nicer to yourself.

OK, what upsets you the most? If I was you, I'd go with flat today. If you don't have anywhere to put stuff, go to homebase/argos/B&Q and buy some storage boxes/baskets, put the excess stuff in it. Spend the weekend tidying up.

Next - you are temping, can you look for permenant work, get yourself back on track. What are you temping doing, admin work? Contact all the recruitment agencies doing secretarial/PA recruitment you can find and send your CV. Apply for everything.

Friends, boyfriend, weight, those are things that will need more than a week to work on, so start with what you can.

For your weight, MFP is very good, but I think until you are taking control of other parts of your life (your environment and your job) it's unlikely you will be able to tackle over eating.

Start changes with flat and career. Make that February's tasks. Then in spring, look at next steps.

What qualifications do you have? Some courses are free or discounted for those on low incomes, JSA, ESA or income related benefits. Level 2 maths and English would be free if you don't already have them or there are advanced learning loans for level 3 or above. Contact your local FE college as some classes can be evenings, online or on a drop in basis if you are working but need some guidance from a tutor. Ask the agency about upskilling too.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this Mintsandpinks. I think you've had some great advice from others on the thread.

I just wanted to say that I had a period of feeling very much like you describe, and honestly anti-depressants really helped me. I had a course of therapy too but I think the pills helped more. For me, they just made things seemed a little less grim. I would encourage you not to rule out medical help. If that's too much, I also really benefitted from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy principles. I'd encourage you to look into it online or get a book out of your local library. It's basically just about recognising things that trigger negative thoughts and stopping the negative thought spiral. You might also look into finding a CBT group locally.

Slimming World is brilliant. Friendship, support, weightloss and an eating plan that actually lets you eat. No judging. People of all shapes and sizes but most of all someone to talk to, if you want to, no pressure if you don't want to talk either.

Whereabouts are you? If you were any here near me I would be happy to come and see you. I am not your friend - I bet your friends would be happy to do it for you too.
I think you need to reread your answers on here. You don't seem to want to do anything about your situation but you want it to change, so you have to - or you are choosing to stay in the same situation.
I don't have any immediate family (although I am probably older than you, so perhaps more understandable) and I know that is hard; you can't change that though, you just have to accept it.
What do you do when you are alone in your flat? Read? Watch telly? Eat? I do too much of all of those things. Although I have really tackled my weight over the last couple of years I have been quite overweight. Still am, only not as much!
I am dreadfully untidy and I make myself intersperse a bit of tidying/cleaning with reading my book or telly watching. At least that way some of it gets done!
I meant it about co,not to help if you are closeby.
I don't get the impression that you have really confided in anyone about your feelings and situation. Could you do that and ask for their help?

I am not sure about counselling but I know people who are depressed are often told that they must, as part of their therapy, walk every day. Could you try to do this?

Flossy, I have accepted it. I haven't complained about it (have I?) I answered somebody who asked if I had any family.

Thank you for replies.

Ultimately what I need to do is lose weight but the amount I have to lose is daunting.

Gps can prescribe weight watchers sessions if you felt able to ask and there is a drive through partnerships between PCTs and local groups to offer non medical support to people like you who need a bit of guidance and face to face contact to keep you motivated.

Thank you; I could afford ww but don't feel it it is the right method for me (tried before without success)

You did ask for straight responses.
I think you should look at the cycle of change diagram again - it's not that complicated - and make an honest assessment of how ready you really are to make any changes.

I know ilovesooty; it is helpful to talk (as I said before - not meant snakily, just in case it got missed.)

But there are things that just aren't relevant (for instance I'm not on JSA; I don't have friends who could come round) and it isn't being defeatist if I say they aren't relevant.

If you are referring to my post about education you'll see that JSA is just one way of getting a course free. You may well meet another of the criteria. Take a deep breath and ensure you are reading everything suggested not just skim reading and deciding it is irrelevant. If you can't do so now ,take a break and revisit later. There is no rush , change takes time.