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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get a vasectomy

203 replies

RichardInBermuda · 31/01/2015 11:36

I suspect I am being unreasonable; so I'm ready for an ear bashing.

My wife has asked me to get a vasectomy. She feels that since she has carried two children and we've both decided that we don't want more; that it's my turn to make a sacrifice.

I respect her point of view but I can't help thinking that's all very well and good for her; but what happens if in 6 months time she decided to divorce me. She'll take the children and move back to her home country were the kids (6 months and 3 years old) will then talk the local language. I'd get to see them at best once every 3 months and my use of the language is limited so I think I'd stop being dad and just become that strange man who can't talk and visits every so often.

Therefore I'd like to have the option that if the worst happens, I'd be able to find a new partner and start a new family. I should point out there's no problem with our relationship and I'm not doing anything naughty that if my wife found out would end the relationship. But we are going to have to international relocate this year and both find new jobs and this will a strain.

The only advantages of a vasectomy is some bare back sexy fun. For 90% of our relationship (I did the maths that's an accurate figure) we've used condoms, with no issues or problems. So if condoms have worked for the last 15 years why are they not okay now?
I realise that I'm planning for a worst case scenario; but isn't that what you're suppose to do?

Notes:
We live in Bermuda
My wife doesn't use the pill because she's worried of getting cancer. (I know this contradicts medical advice)

There is a vasectomy reverse operation that's 55% successful.

OP posts:
betweenmarchandmay · 31/01/2015 11:38

YANBU.

But I am from the school of thought we have the right to decline any medical procedure we don't want.

Your reasons are a bit dubious but might be how it was worded - it comes across as 'well I can start a new family.'

GraysAnalogy · 31/01/2015 11:38

You should not feel forced into a surgical procedure that you do not want. That's the crux of it for me.

betweenmarchandmay · 31/01/2015 11:39

Incidentally I won't take the pill for the same reasons as your wife.

KingJoffreyObviouslyWatchesHol · 31/01/2015 11:39

Your body, your choice.

Beadsbeadsbeads · 31/01/2015 11:39

YADNBU.

It's your right to decide if you want an operation or not. I don't think you even need to justify it with your 'if the worst happens' scenario.

Why can't your wife get her tubes tied?

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle · 31/01/2015 11:42

yanbu. we have 2 children and arent planning anymore. I can't take hormonal contraception and our first DC was the result of a condom accident. but I still wouldn't expect my dh to have a vasectomy when he's still so young. I would want him to have the option of a other family if anything happened to me or our DC.

I suspect I'll have a copper coil put in despite them giving me heavy unpleasant periods for a bit until we either decide to have another DC or we're too old to want to start over...

Mrsstarlord · 31/01/2015 11:42

My DH did go through with the vasectomy at his first wife's insistence only to find that a year later she was having an affair with his best friend. Who she subsequently married.

They went on to have two more kids of their own whilst DH reversal failed and he went thought 3 traumatic and expensive rounds of IVF with his next partner before splitting up (due in part to the infertility issue). We met later and subsequently married and adopted.

YANBU

PtolemysNeedle · 31/01/2015 11:42

YANBU.

If you don't want it you don't have it, and it's really that simple. You don't have to justify that choice, because you have the right to decide what happens to your body for any reason you like.

If your wife doesn't want to use condoms any more (and tbh, nor would I) then she has the choice of getting sterilised herself.

scaevola · 31/01/2015 11:44

YANBU

Vasectomy is never a quid pro quo for childbirth or any other procedure. Language that puts in in terms of 'sacrifice' or 'taking turns' is utterly unreasonable, and I think reflects an inaccurate stereotype that vasectomy is somehow a minor thing.

It is surgery, in a delicate area, which carries (as described on NHS website) a 1:10 risk of serious long term testicular pain (which might be 'minimised' by further surgery).

If she is sure she wants no further DC, then perhaps she should consider sterilisation, perhaps by the Essure procedure?

TwoOddSocks · 31/01/2015 11:45

YANBU about the vasectomy. Your body your choice and it's not like you entered into an agreement with your wife before having kids that she'll carry two children as long as you then get snipped afterwards.

That said I'd be a bit worried about your lack of trust of your wife. It's always good to consider all possibilities and even stable marriages fall apart but the fact that your wife absconding with your two kids is already a vivid possibility in your mind would trouble me. Is there any way you can protect yourself from this hypothetical eventuality? I don't think simply starting again with a new family and accepting estrangement from your current one would be acceptable in that situation.

BestZebbie · 31/01/2015 11:45

It should be your choice if you have an operation or not.

However, whatever you choose, please bear in mind that

  1. having the option of starting another family with different children in the future is a luxury rather than a right and your wife doesn't get that option at all, she has committed fully to having her children with you and only you - she will be too old to have any other children if you split up (unless you are both very young now).
  2. your children are actual real people, they aren't just pets that you can swap out for some hypothetical 'other children' who might be more pleasing if something goes wrong with your current children - you are already committed to the people you have already created to be their father for life.
TheRealAmandaClarke · 31/01/2015 11:46

Yanbu to choose whether or not to undergo an invasive procedure.
But I can see why she has asked. Its a smple procedure (relative tthe female "equivalent") and prevents the need for condoms, which many ppl (usually men) are less keen on.
Her reasons for wantin you to have a vasectomy might well be similar to yours for not wantingt have one. We are all aware that our DHs have the option, for some years to come, of running off with a new woman and carrying on a family. This is statistically more likely than her doing that with a new man.

GraysAnalogy · 31/01/2015 11:47

BestZebbie I don't think the OP has implied that his children can be swapped out or replaced Hmm

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/01/2015 11:48

Don't have the surgery if you don't want it.

A friend of ours had an operation to attempt to reverse his previous vasectomy, it hasn't worked 4 years down the line. Sad

TheRealAmandaClarke · 31/01/2015 11:48

And what bestzebbie said about children.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/01/2015 11:50

There is nothing that implies the OP doesn't trust his wife or that he thinks his children can be replaced.

Did the sentence 'I realise I'm planning for a worst case scenario' not read properly to some of you?

CupidStuntSurvivor · 31/01/2015 11:51

YANBU with regards to the surgical procedure.

But your reasons are a massive slap in the face to her. You don't want the procedure so that if you split and she moves back to her home country with the children and it becomes harder for you to be their dad, you can make a new family?

I hope to Christ you didn't say that to her.

TheAwfulDaughter · 31/01/2015 11:52

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Marynary · 31/01/2015 11:52

It is your choice. You should bear in mind the points made by BestZebbie though and also think about the fact that your decision may have an impact on your relationship with your wife. The fact that my DH wouldn't have a vasectomy has had an effect on my relationship with him as I don't feel that condoms are effective enough and I am not willing to use hormonal contraceptives anymore for various reasons.

BestZebbie · 31/01/2015 11:52

Also, is the only advantage actually 'some bare back sexy fun', or is it also peace of mind and reassurance for your wife that there wont be a condom breaking accident leading to her having to undergo either an abortion or another pregnancy in the next couple of years?
Condoms are actually really quite risky as a sole contraception method if you are having regular sex over many years - there are lots of different stats but for example this wikipedia one (from the CDC, I think) en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comparison_of_birth_control_methods points out that 1 in 6 couples will have one fail in a year of regular use.

TheAwfulDaughter · 31/01/2015 11:53

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Mrsstarlord · 31/01/2015 11:53

Amazing that there is an assumption that men are more likely to go off and start a new family and forget about their kids.

Women do start new relationships and new families, men don't usually go off and forget about their kids. On mumsnet we see a very skewed population so don't get a representative view, some people have had a terrible experience with total arses but not all men are like this, just like not all women are totally innocent and have their lives ruined by men.

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2015 11:53

YANBU

I can't stand he childish viewpoint of "Well I carried our children and gave birth"

It's not like you could have done that for her.

riverboat1 · 31/01/2015 11:54

YANBU. But I sort of agree with bestzebbie, you do come across as a bit flippant re: 'the option of starting a new family'. I understand (honestly) the unique difficulties of cross-cultural/bilingual parenting and your fears that your children could end up not living in the same country as you, though. That situation would be awful.

GraysAnalogy · 31/01/2015 11:55

He said worst case scenario. It is sensible to think like that.