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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get a vasectomy

203 replies

RichardInBermuda · 31/01/2015 11:36

I suspect I am being unreasonable; so I'm ready for an ear bashing.

My wife has asked me to get a vasectomy. She feels that since she has carried two children and we've both decided that we don't want more; that it's my turn to make a sacrifice.

I respect her point of view but I can't help thinking that's all very well and good for her; but what happens if in 6 months time she decided to divorce me. She'll take the children and move back to her home country were the kids (6 months and 3 years old) will then talk the local language. I'd get to see them at best once every 3 months and my use of the language is limited so I think I'd stop being dad and just become that strange man who can't talk and visits every so often.

Therefore I'd like to have the option that if the worst happens, I'd be able to find a new partner and start a new family. I should point out there's no problem with our relationship and I'm not doing anything naughty that if my wife found out would end the relationship. But we are going to have to international relocate this year and both find new jobs and this will a strain.

The only advantages of a vasectomy is some bare back sexy fun. For 90% of our relationship (I did the maths that's an accurate figure) we've used condoms, with no issues or problems. So if condoms have worked for the last 15 years why are they not okay now?
I realise that I'm planning for a worst case scenario; but isn't that what you're suppose to do?

Notes:
We live in Bermuda
My wife doesn't use the pill because she's worried of getting cancer. (I know this contradicts medical advice)

There is a vasectomy reverse operation that's 55% successful.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 31/01/2015 12:27

Yes but she's asked for the vasectomy and those are perfectly reasonable reasons to refuse.

Lweji · 31/01/2015 12:28

The what ifs may also include the death of a child. Nothing to do with their relationship.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 31/01/2015 12:30

I wouldnt want my dh to have children with anyone else.
I think it would be to the detriment of our DCs.
If i died I would want him to be happy. But my kids come first. Their needs are unlikely to be best met by having new half siblings.

Marynary · 31/01/2015 12:32

In this situation the alternative is to carry on the same way they have happily done for the last 15 years without any problems, so it's not really the same.

OP's wife may have been happy to take the risk of accidental pregnancy with her DH by using condoms before having children though. I can see why she would be less happy after having children.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 31/01/2015 12:34

But OP's reason isn't 'in case she dies' (and hopefully if that happened, he'd be looking after his kids). His reasoning is 'if she leaves me, moves country and I find it hard to stay involved with my existing children'.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/01/2015 12:34

I'd feel the same TheRealAmanda, but you can either trust your children's father to put them first or you can't. People can't expect to be able to control their partner and their fertility from beyond the grave.

And the happiness of someone who has lost their husband/wife is just as important as that of their children.

Marynary · 31/01/2015 12:35

Why would anyone want someone they love to have an invasive procedure that they don't want and don't need?

Er... so that they can avoid having getting pregnant?

Marynary · 31/01/2015 12:35

having

PtolemysNeedle · 31/01/2015 12:36

Cupid, that is the reason that he posted here, it's highly unlikely to be the only reason that has crossed his mind whilst trying to make his decision.

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2015 12:36

TheRealAmandaClarke but that's your issue to deal with, it's not your husband's. If he didn't want a vasectomy, it would still be his choice regardless of your thoughts on any future half siblings.

On another note, I can think of lots of children who love their half siblings to bits and have very much had their lives enriched by them.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 31/01/2015 12:38

You appear to be after an argument where there isn't one. I agree he shouldn't have a vasectomy if he doesn't want one, regardless of the reasons for that. But I'm suggesting that while he's telling her why, he doesn't give the reasons stated here.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/01/2015 12:38

Even when there are perfectly acceptable alternatives that can achieve the same thing Mary?

I really can't understand how someone could put pressure on someone else to have a medical procedure when they don't need or want it. That would not be the actions of a loving partner in my mind.

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2015 12:38

Why would anyone want someone they love to have an invasive procedure that they don't want and don't need?

Er...so that they can avoid having getting pregnant?

Err...they can also book themselves in to be sterilised instead of expecting their loved one to do it, against their will.

GraysAnalogy · 31/01/2015 12:39

Wow. I'll make him have a vasectomy because I don't want him having anymore kids even if I die. Controlling much Hmm

TheRealAmandaClarke · 31/01/2015 12:39

I agree its his choice.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 31/01/2015 12:40

My comment was in rsponse to ppl saying that if you love someone you want them to be happy.
I think the children come first.

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2015 12:40

And before anyone says it's a bigger operation in a woman, I know that.

But it doesn't stop many, many women choosing it.

So if it's important to the OP's wife, she should perhaps consider it instead of expecting her husband to do it when he doesn't want to.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/01/2015 12:41

But I'm suggesting that while he's telling her why, he doesn't give the reasons stated here.

And that's a valid opinion, I just think it would be really sad if a married couple can't be open and honest about all of their reservations over a choice like this, and I think it would show a lack of love and commitment if the wife had a problem on hearing that reason.

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2015 12:42

Yes, the children do come first so I don't think it's helpful to assume that having half siblings will automatically be detrimental to them.

Scenarios can be so different.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 31/01/2015 12:42

I never suggested I would make anyone do anything. Just revealing my feelings about subsequent children and the impact on our own children.

Marynary · 31/01/2015 12:42

Err...they can also book themselves in to be sterilised instead of expecting their loved one to do it, against their will.

Female sterilisation is much more invasive and not as effective.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/01/2015 12:44

That's not a valid reason to pressure someone else to have a medical procedure that they don't want or need Mary.

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2015 12:44

Yes, read up Mary I know this.

It's still not a reason to force or guilt trip a man into having a vasectomy.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 31/01/2015 12:44

Have you never read Cinderella?
Smile

GraysAnalogy · 31/01/2015 12:45

As a woman, I think it's me who runs the risk of getting pregnant so I'll be the one to have a procedure if I absolutely did not want to run the risk of getting pregnant anymore.

I have autonomy and take control over my body when it comes to getting pregnant in the first place, choosing to carry a baby, giving birth... So I'll do so in this scenario too.