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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get a vasectomy

203 replies

RichardInBermuda · 31/01/2015 11:36

I suspect I am being unreasonable; so I'm ready for an ear bashing.

My wife has asked me to get a vasectomy. She feels that since she has carried two children and we've both decided that we don't want more; that it's my turn to make a sacrifice.

I respect her point of view but I can't help thinking that's all very well and good for her; but what happens if in 6 months time she decided to divorce me. She'll take the children and move back to her home country were the kids (6 months and 3 years old) will then talk the local language. I'd get to see them at best once every 3 months and my use of the language is limited so I think I'd stop being dad and just become that strange man who can't talk and visits every so often.

Therefore I'd like to have the option that if the worst happens, I'd be able to find a new partner and start a new family. I should point out there's no problem with our relationship and I'm not doing anything naughty that if my wife found out would end the relationship. But we are going to have to international relocate this year and both find new jobs and this will a strain.

The only advantages of a vasectomy is some bare back sexy fun. For 90% of our relationship (I did the maths that's an accurate figure) we've used condoms, with no issues or problems. So if condoms have worked for the last 15 years why are they not okay now?
I realise that I'm planning for a worst case scenario; but isn't that what you're suppose to do?

Notes:
We live in Bermuda
My wife doesn't use the pill because she's worried of getting cancer. (I know this contradicts medical advice)

There is a vasectomy reverse operation that's 55% successful.

OP posts:
Lweji · 31/01/2015 11:58

YANBU and it should be fine to continue to use condoms.
As long as it's ok if she gets pregnant and you are prepared to welcome the child if she doesn't want to abort it.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/01/2015 11:59

It would be incredibly unwise for the OP to agree to have an operation if he didn't think of all the possible outcomes, one of which could possibly be that in the future he finds himself in a position to want more children with someone else.

I have no idea why he is being told he's untrusting or flippant on this. He's just thinking through all the normal 'what ifs' that anyone would consider when making the decision to end their fertility forever.

Gwenci · 31/01/2015 11:59

I'm currently pregnant with second baby and have already suggested to DH that a vasectomy might be something to consider after DS arrives. The female equivalent is a much bigger and more complex operation and to be fair, whilst others don't agree, I do sort of see your wife's point that she's gone through 2 pregnancies and births to provide much loved children, if there's something child-production related the man can now do, it sort of is his 'turn'. That's certainly a little how I feel. But then I'm in the midst of pregnancy pains!

However, it's a huge ask and you're definitely not BU to say no. Neither is she BU to ask. If my DH ultimately says no, I'd accept that decision completely.

Mrsstarlord · 31/01/2015 11:59

My DH thought his relationship was good, he had concerns about the surgery and the permanent nature of the op (partly in case they as a couple changed their minds later) but did it for his wife because she felt strongly about it.

The years of heartache he went through as a result were fucking awful, meanwhile first wife is producing a whole new family (and treating them like princes in comparison to both their kids and the new husband's kids) with no regard for the impact of what she has done.

SlicedAndDiced · 31/01/2015 11:59

I think when you are talking about something as serious and possibly very permanent then thinking about 'the worse case scenario' is a very wise thing to do.

If you do not want a vasectomy for whatever reasons then do not have one.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 31/01/2015 11:59

No, it really isn't. If we all planned on worst case scenarios for relationship purposes rather than financial ones, none of us would ever have children because we'd all be wondering how we'd manage as single parents or not seeing our children.

Lweji · 31/01/2015 12:00

You can still get no condom sex if you are able to detect when ovulation has occurred, wait 2 or three days, and then until her period starts it's perfectly safe to have unprotected sex.

ilovesooty · 31/01/2015 12:03

There is plenty of worst case scenario advice to women on here - eg to cover their options if he runs off with a younger model.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/01/2015 12:04

No Cupid, we'd decide that it's a risk worth taking because the alternative is less attractive. We have children because we want them. But the OP doesn't want a vasectomy.

In this situation the alternative is to carry on the same way they have happily done for the last 15 years without any problems, so it's not really the same.

Greencurtain · 31/01/2015 12:05

I don't think it even gets as far as the "your body your choice" stage. You have stated that you feel there is a risk of your wife taking the children to her home country and that you would then want a second family.

So a permanent procedure is not suitable for you it would appear.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 31/01/2015 12:07

DH has had a vacectomy and he did it because he no longer wants any more children, I would of loved to have another baby but he didn't.

I then told him if he is 100% sure then get the snip, because hormonal contraception does not agree with me and I wouldn't use any more.

He agreed and not regretted it since.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 31/01/2015 12:09

Very wise to plan for worst case scenario whether male or female.

I don't subscribe to the "I carried the children" thing, only women can have babies and it's not like they do it purely for their husband. They want a child themselves and there's nothing selfless about it.

YANBU to not want the op, stick to your guns. Plenty of options re contraception out there.

Mrsstarlord · 31/01/2015 12:11

Thats great Piper, he wanted the op, you agreed - everyone's happy. But to ask someone else to have surgery which permanently affects their fertility because you don't want more kids? Hmm

I certainly wouldn't do that

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 31/01/2015 12:13

I think the reverse is if a man didn't want children, yet a contraception accident happened and he suggested an abortion

SoonToBeSix · 31/01/2015 12:16

You don't think much of your wife do you op.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/01/2015 12:19

Which most of MN would agree was unreasonable Piper!

Mrsstarlord · 31/01/2015 12:20

What an odd assumption SoonToBeSix.

Because he doesn't want to have a life changing operation to satisfy his wife's wishes.

As Piper suggests, I can imagine the backlash on here if a male partner was suggesting the female had an abortion because of an unwanted pregnancy, particularly if the female wasn't sure it was unwanted.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 31/01/2015 12:20

But I don't disagree that OP isn't being unreasonable. I just think considering his reasons, he's best to come up with something more palatable for his wife. I'd be seriously questioning my relationship if my currently non existent admittedly DH said he didn't want a vasectomy because if we split, he wants children with someone else.

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2015 12:21

What makes you think that SoonToBeSix? Confused

TheRealAmandaClarke · 31/01/2015 12:22

Yes. As a pp mentions, you say in yourop that you anddw have bith decidyou dont want any mo children.
But actually that isnot quite true.you want to keep your options open.
Just tell her tht, I'm sure she'll understand Smile

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2015 12:23

What's wrong with wanting children with someone else, if you split up with your current partner?

ilovesooty · 31/01/2015 12:23

Or if your current partner dies?

trappedinsuburbia · 31/01/2015 12:24

Yanbu, my dp didnt want a vasectomy so i got sterilised as i definetly dont want anymore kids.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 31/01/2015 12:26

I'm not saying anything is wrong with it. I just feel it's unwise to let your partner know that your putting 'what ifs' ahead of your current relationship despite currently having no reason to think any of these 'what ifs' will occur.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/01/2015 12:27

Why Cupid?

If his wife loves him and therefore wants what's best for him, why wouldn't she want him to keep his options open in case she dies suddenly or something?

Why would anyone want someone they love to have an invasive procedure that they don't want and don't need?

If the wife didn't accept his reasoning of wanting to keep his options open in case the worst happens, then she's not being a good wife either really.

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