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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not get a vasectomy

203 replies

RichardInBermuda · 31/01/2015 11:36

I suspect I am being unreasonable; so I'm ready for an ear bashing.

My wife has asked me to get a vasectomy. She feels that since she has carried two children and we've both decided that we don't want more; that it's my turn to make a sacrifice.

I respect her point of view but I can't help thinking that's all very well and good for her; but what happens if in 6 months time she decided to divorce me. She'll take the children and move back to her home country were the kids (6 months and 3 years old) will then talk the local language. I'd get to see them at best once every 3 months and my use of the language is limited so I think I'd stop being dad and just become that strange man who can't talk and visits every so often.

Therefore I'd like to have the option that if the worst happens, I'd be able to find a new partner and start a new family. I should point out there's no problem with our relationship and I'm not doing anything naughty that if my wife found out would end the relationship. But we are going to have to international relocate this year and both find new jobs and this will a strain.

The only advantages of a vasectomy is some bare back sexy fun. For 90% of our relationship (I did the maths that's an accurate figure) we've used condoms, with no issues or problems. So if condoms have worked for the last 15 years why are they not okay now?
I realise that I'm planning for a worst case scenario; but isn't that what you're suppose to do?

Notes:
We live in Bermuda
My wife doesn't use the pill because she's worried of getting cancer. (I know this contradicts medical advice)

There is a vasectomy reverse operation that's 55% successful.

OP posts:
SlicedAndDiced · 31/01/2015 12:45

I simply must tell my brothers and sisters on both sides of the family that I'm sorry for being a detriment to them.

Oh and while I'm at it I'll tell dsd (who absolutely adores dd) not to bother loving her sister...she's a detriment to her.

TheRealAmandaClarke I take it you only have one child? After all each sibling would be at the detriment of the pfb surely.

Grin
PtolemysNeedle · 31/01/2015 12:46

Why, was Cinderella a problem to her older siblings then? Maybe if she'd never been born her sisters would have got the prince instead?

Marynary · 31/01/2015 12:47

It's still not a reason to force or guilt trip a man into having a vasectomy.

It isn't a reason to "guilt trip a man into having a vasectomy". It is a reason for wanting "someone they love to have an invasive procedure that they don't want" though.

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2015 12:49

In all seriousness I can't stop laughing at "Have you ever read Cinderella?" Smile

Grin Grin!!!

CupidStuntSurvivor · 31/01/2015 12:50

Yes Ptolemy it is a bit sad. But it's also saddening that these are presumably his main reasons, being the ones he's actually told us about and all. In this instance, all reasons being as valid as the next because it's his decision whether to be operated on, in his position, I'd want to do my best not to hurt my partner's feelings where it's unnecessary.

SoonToBeSix · 31/01/2015 12:50

Worral well I don't think my dh might divorce me if I were to be sterilised leaving me unable to have dc with a new partner.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/01/2015 12:50

It is a reason for wanting "someone they love to have an invasive procedure that they don't want" though.

No, not really. A woman might hope that her partner would be willing to have a vasectomy, but I can't see why she would still really want a vasectomy to happy after she knows her partner doesn't want it.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 31/01/2015 12:51

No. I have two children.
I also have a half brother who i am close to
But that isnt the point.
Wanting the best for someon doesnt mean that I wouldnt have feelings about what would be best for my children.
I think that, especially given my DHs age, having children in a new relationship would very likely disadvantage my own children both emotionally and financially at a time that would arguably be cery difficult for them.
So no. Based on my experience and knowledge in this field I would not choose for him to have subsequent children.
Of course I cant control that and neither should I.
But i woulnd be a bit pissed off if he said he didnt want any more children with me but was declining a vasectomy in case he wanted kids with someone else.

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2015 12:51

I disagree Mary

There is no reason on earth to expect someone to have an invasive procedure that they don't want, just because you don't want to have it done to yourself.

That's not showing love at all. In fact, I think it's incredibly controlling.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 31/01/2015 12:52

Grin well, it was meant to be very TiC tbf.

SanityClause · 31/01/2015 12:53

I agree with you, TheRealAmanda. If DH and I have made the decision that our family is complete, partly for financial reasons, then why would I want him having DC with someone else, meaning less money to go round?

Like you, however, I don't think the OP should have a vasectomy if he doesn't want it, for whatever reason.

I think he might be a bit diplomatic about explaining it to his DW, though.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 31/01/2015 12:53

No. If he doesnt wan it then he shouldnt be prssured into it.
He doesnt need to justify himself really.
But as he has, i was just putting forward my view on how I might receive that news.

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2015 12:54

I know Amanda, it was a real curve ball!

I'm still laughing now Grin Thanks

Marynary · 31/01/2015 12:57

There is no reason on earth to expect someone to have an invasive procedure that they don't want, just because you don't want to have it done to yourself.

It's controlling to expect it but it isn't controlling to want a man to have the procedure if the alternative is for you to risk pregnancy or have a much more invasive (and less effective) procedure yourself.

AmericasTorturedBrow · 31/01/2015 12:58

YANBU

I have asked my DH to have one and while he claims even if the worse were to happen, he still doesn't want more DC, no matter who it's with - at this stage he just doesn't want one. It's his body so (grudgingly I'll admit) I respect his wishes.

However it's my body too and I don't want to keep putting hormones into it, so we use condoms and withdrawal. He has said that further down the line he is likely to consider it, which is fair enough.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 31/01/2015 13:00

Those reasons are a bit sad. Presumably if she runs off to another country and you become a stranger to your children that is not going to be fixed by having some more. All of the hurt and trauma would still be there and more dc is not going to be a remedy for that.

However, life goes on even after traumatic events and if your marriage were to end you may find having not had a vasectomy makes life with a new partner less complicated.

Ultimately it's your body and your decision. If you don't want the procedure it is your right not to have it or be pressurised to have it. That goes for everyone, man or woman.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/01/2015 13:02

But that's not the alternative Mary. The alternative is to carry on as they have been for the last 15 years with no problem.

So as the alternative is perfectly fine, it does seem quite controlling, and very unloving and unkind, to want someone you're supposed to care about to have a medical procedure that they don't want or need.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 31/01/2015 13:07

But they don't get to decide whether or not there is a problem with a condom in the future, hence why the wife is asking. I understand her reasons. She is the one who'd have to undergo a pregnancy or an abortion if the condom fails. But yes, the OP shouldn't get one if he doesn't want one.

Mrsstarlord · 31/01/2015 13:07

*I disagree Mary

There is no reason on earth to expect someone to have an invasive procedure that they don't want, just because you don't want to have it done to yourself.

That's not showing love at all. In fact, I think it's incredibly controlling.*

This.

I find it more sad that there are people who want to control others so much, than someone saying if the worst happens I would like to have not taken away the option of adding to my family with a new partner.

(Note: not, I don't trust you, it's all going to go tits up and I want to replace my family with a new one)

Marynary · 31/01/2015 13:12

PtolemysNeedle It may have been "prefectly fine" to use condoms before having children but that doesn't mean it is okay afterwards. Condoms are not that effective and whereas OP's wife may have been willing to risk of an accidental pregnancy with her husband before having children she may be much less keen now.

Marynary · 31/01/2015 13:16

I find it more sad that there are people who want to control others so much, than someone saying if the worst happens I would like to have not taken away the option of adding to my family with a new partner.

I find it sad that there are people who thinking that wanting someone to do something = controlling or pressuring them. There is a difference.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/01/2015 13:17

Then she has the option of sterilising herself. Or using the pill, or the coil, or the implant, or the injection.

She can even hope that the OP changes his mind about wanting a vasectomy, or feel a bit disappointed that he'd isn't want one. But she's not being very loving if she is really wants her DH to have a vasectomy even if she knows he doesn't want it.

diggerdigsdogs · 31/01/2015 13:17

Yanbu to refuse to have a vasectomy.

However - I'm pg with our dc3. Dh has 2dc from his first marriage. We absolutely do not want and cannot afford any more children. I Do not want to take hormonal contraception (nor do I think it's solely my job tbh) so we decided as a couple that it's condoms or DH has the snip.

He is reluctant because it will hurt (not because he may want yet more children) which is an attitude I frankly have little truck for after having 2dc and years of issues with hormonal contraception. Privately I see it as an attitude that he would rather I dealt with the problems of childbirth/contraception than he cope with a weekend spent with an icepack between his legs.

So yanbu but neither is she

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2015 13:17

Mary you've said a couple of times now that female sterilisation is less effective than a vasectomy.

Can you link to this please?

I've googled and all I can see is the NHS saying that they're both more than 99% effective.

Marynary · 31/01/2015 13:18

But they don't get to decide whether or not there is a problem with a condom in the future, hence why the wife is asking. I understand her reasons. She is the one who'd have to undergo a pregnancy or an abortion if the condom fails. But yes, the OP shouldn't get one if he doesn't want one.

I totally agree.