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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get a vasectomy

203 replies

RichardInBermuda · 31/01/2015 11:36

I suspect I am being unreasonable; so I'm ready for an ear bashing.

My wife has asked me to get a vasectomy. She feels that since she has carried two children and we've both decided that we don't want more; that it's my turn to make a sacrifice.

I respect her point of view but I can't help thinking that's all very well and good for her; but what happens if in 6 months time she decided to divorce me. She'll take the children and move back to her home country were the kids (6 months and 3 years old) will then talk the local language. I'd get to see them at best once every 3 months and my use of the language is limited so I think I'd stop being dad and just become that strange man who can't talk and visits every so often.

Therefore I'd like to have the option that if the worst happens, I'd be able to find a new partner and start a new family. I should point out there's no problem with our relationship and I'm not doing anything naughty that if my wife found out would end the relationship. But we are going to have to international relocate this year and both find new jobs and this will a strain.

The only advantages of a vasectomy is some bare back sexy fun. For 90% of our relationship (I did the maths that's an accurate figure) we've used condoms, with no issues or problems. So if condoms have worked for the last 15 years why are they not okay now?
I realise that I'm planning for a worst case scenario; but isn't that what you're suppose to do?

Notes:
We live in Bermuda
My wife doesn't use the pill because she's worried of getting cancer. (I know this contradicts medical advice)

There is a vasectomy reverse operation that's 55% successful.

OP posts:
Marynary · 31/01/2015 13:20

Mary you've said a couple of times now that female sterilisation is less effective than a vasectomy.

Can you link to this please?

www.fpa.org.uk/sites/default/files/male-and-female-sterilisation-your-guide.pdf

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2015 13:24

Thanks for the link Thanks

It's interesting because the NHS don't seem to agree the figures, unless I understood them wrong.

Marynary · 31/01/2015 13:25

Then she has the option of sterilising herself. Or using the pill, or the coil, or the implant, or the injection.

She can even hope that the OP changes his mind about wanting a vasectomy, or feel a bit disappointed that he'd isn't want one. But she's not being very loving if she is really wants her DH to have a vasectomy even if she knows he doesn't want it.

She may feel that her DH isn't being very loving to expect her to either risk pregnancy or undergo invasive procedures either so that he avoid a medical procedure and be fertile for his next relationship.

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2015 13:27

On another note, where has the OP gone? Hmm

BoneyBackJefferson · 31/01/2015 13:35

diggerdigsdogs
"He is reluctant because it will hurt (not because he may want yet more children) which is an attitude I frankly have little truck for after having 2dc and years of issues with hormonal contraception.*

Long-term testicular pain affects around one in 10 men after vasectomy

dalekanium · 31/01/2015 13:47

I don't think its wrong to plan for worst case.

DH wanted a vasectomy when our family was complete, but I suggested he didn't. We were young, if I died he might meet someone else and want more kids.

It's not always because of an assumption that one of you might run off with the milk (wo)man and therefore you must be fundamentally unhappy in the relationship or predisposed to unfaithfulness.

Mrsstarlord · 31/01/2015 13:52

Mary, the very fact that you are talking about influencing what your husband is to do if you die is what sounds controlling. You may not have intended it to sound that way but given that more than one person has interpreted it this way means that it does.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 31/01/2015 13:53

Of course she has that option Ptolemy. And she doesn't particularly want to do that, as is her right. And her reasons are pretty solid too.

Marynary · 31/01/2015 13:55

Mrsstarlord wanting someone to do something does not equal influencing them.

TiggyD · 31/01/2015 13:55

I think the OP may have fallen down a triangle.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 31/01/2015 13:56

To the clinic? worra

Lweji · 31/01/2015 13:58

Tiggy Grin

WorraLiberty · 31/01/2015 13:59
Grin
UptheChimney · 31/01/2015 14:48

I'll be a lone voice to say I think you're being a bit unreasonable. Your wife's body bears pretty much all the risk in the current set up.

Risk of condom failure
Risk of putting synthetic hormones in her body
Risk of reaction to foreign objects in her uterus (I am still traumatised by a short time with a coil. Never ever ever ever ever again)
Risk of major surgery for sterilisation

But you don't seem to bothered by this?

Vycount · 31/01/2015 14:56

Having been sterilised... is it really major surgery? I think in this situation if the wife feels this strongly she should respect Op and have the operation. That's what I did.

Jengnr · 31/01/2015 15:00

Whilst I agree that nobody should have to have surgery they don't want I think it's pretty selfish of any man who is unwilling to undergo a relatively minor procedure for the sake of the rest of the family.

Particularly when the reasons are 'if you left me and I couldn't be arsed maintaining a relationship with my existing children I might want more.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/01/2015 15:02

Selfish?

Presumably you'd say the same to a woman who didn't want to have an abortion even thought the alternative would be detrimental to the rest of the family then?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 31/01/2015 15:08

I dont think abortion is comparable with vasectomy.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/01/2015 15:11

Why not? They are both 'relatively minor procedures'.

And the point is, no one should be expected to have any medical procedure they don't want to have for the benefit of anyone else.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 31/01/2015 15:26

Given that I have already agreed that people should be able to choose whether or not they have surgery, i suppose I beleive there is a difference between preventing a pregnancy by surgical methods or ending one. I think the difference is largely psychological. But no less important than a physical issue. And the op has "agreed" that he doesnt want any more children.
Unless he has them with someone else of course.

UptheChimney · 31/01/2015 15:37

is it really major surgery?

It's generally done with a GA, isn't it? And requiring a bit of time in hospital? Whereas a vasectomy is a local, and day surgery.

I get where everybody's coming from re forcing someone to have surgery they don't want, but, but, but ...

the OP seems to have mapped out an alternative life where he takes no parenting role for his children actually in existence, while contemplating a whole other family, and being prepared for his wife to carry the burden of contraception going wrong ...

Jengnr · 31/01/2015 15:37

The two aren't remotely comparable.

How many men get harassed by hordes of 'pro-spunkers' carrying placards of mangled balls outside vasectomy clinics?

UptheChimney · 31/01/2015 15:40

Quite, Jegnr.

And nothing like the fairy/horror tales surrounding vasectomy as there are around an abortion. And the imposition of shame, failure etc etc etc

tilliebob · 31/01/2015 15:42

After 3 dcs DH volunteered to have a vasectomy. I don't think your "worst case scenario" crossed his mind. It certainly never crossed mine and we didn't discuss anything like that happening. I'd be looking at my relationship before having any sort of procedure to be honest Confused

1Q · 31/01/2015 15:44

YANBU
Don't do it unless you can cast iron guarantee you will never want to have any more children. Because you cannot guarantee that, then don't.