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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get a vasectomy

203 replies

RichardInBermuda · 31/01/2015 11:36

I suspect I am being unreasonable; so I'm ready for an ear bashing.

My wife has asked me to get a vasectomy. She feels that since she has carried two children and we've both decided that we don't want more; that it's my turn to make a sacrifice.

I respect her point of view but I can't help thinking that's all very well and good for her; but what happens if in 6 months time she decided to divorce me. She'll take the children and move back to her home country were the kids (6 months and 3 years old) will then talk the local language. I'd get to see them at best once every 3 months and my use of the language is limited so I think I'd stop being dad and just become that strange man who can't talk and visits every so often.

Therefore I'd like to have the option that if the worst happens, I'd be able to find a new partner and start a new family. I should point out there's no problem with our relationship and I'm not doing anything naughty that if my wife found out would end the relationship. But we are going to have to international relocate this year and both find new jobs and this will a strain.

The only advantages of a vasectomy is some bare back sexy fun. For 90% of our relationship (I did the maths that's an accurate figure) we've used condoms, with no issues or problems. So if condoms have worked for the last 15 years why are they not okay now?
I realise that I'm planning for a worst case scenario; but isn't that what you're suppose to do?

Notes:
We live in Bermuda
My wife doesn't use the pill because she's worried of getting cancer. (I know this contradicts medical advice)

There is a vasectomy reverse operation that's 55% successful.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 31/01/2015 15:44

YANBU at all, you have the right to refuse it. She should be involved in the contraception too, there are other types of contraception you could both use, go to the Family Planning Clinic, or Nurse at the Dr surgery for more options. I don't like the pill as there is a history of thrombosis, and I am not keen on condoms, so I have an implant which seems to work well.

1Q · 31/01/2015 15:48

Oh....and Bm is a small island, if you haven't changed the details you may well be identified?

soverylucky · 31/01/2015 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scaevola · 31/01/2015 15:50

People routinely overestimate the risks of female sterilisation, and underestimate those of vasectomy.

1:10 men with serious long term pain that may require further surgery to minimise (not remove), plus the other risks haematoma or granuloma is not something to be taken lightly.

Essure femael sterilisation does not require a GA, btw, and (though a newer procedure) is probably less physically risky than vasectomy. Faster and more reliable sterility too.

grimbletart · 31/01/2015 16:20

No one should be pressured into a medical procedure they don't want - that applies to men and women so, a vasectomy, a pregnancy, a female sterilisation or an abortion. An individual should have an autonomous decision over his/her body.

I chose to be sterilised although my DH would have been happy to. This was because I was absolutely sure I did not want more children (even if I "lost" the ones I had - a question I was asked by the counsellor - my answer being that you cannot replace a dead child with another child). But also if anything happened to me I did not want to rob my DH of a chance of a family life with another woman who might want a child.

My sterilisation was decades ago when it was, I believe, supposedly more difficult in technique than now. Even so, it was simple. Yes, a GA but I was in and out of the clinic the same day and back to work the next day. No problems. The difficulties of female sterilisation are overstated I believe.

If sterilisation is seen as the answer, then the person who really does not want another child should be the one to have it.

DixieNormas · 31/01/2015 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 31/01/2015 16:37

"we've both decided we don't want anymore"

From the OP

But he hasn't decided that. What he says is that he might want more children with another woman.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 31/01/2015 16:43

Yanbu

However, I would focus more on the risks of invasive surgery than the future children with your new wife argument if I were you. ;)

engeika · 31/01/2015 16:45

YANBU - your body, your choice

engeika · 31/01/2015 17:02

Does anyone use a cap anymore? I used to use a cap - AND my partner used a condom. Either ok alone. Double protection. No long term side effects. Instantly reversible. Pretty much 100% safe if used with condom and spermicide.

I know not everyone can use a coil but a lot of women can.

OP's DW is leaving her options open though isn't she?

CupidStuntSurvivor · 31/01/2015 17:45

OP's DP is coming at this from the perspective that they've both decided they want no more children and having carried and delivered children, would appreciate it if he 'took his turn' and had a vasectomy. It's not an unreasonable place to be coming from unless she's actually trying to bully him into a medical procedure he doesn't want rather than telling him that this is what she wants because she feels she's done her bit for the family.

The problem here seems to be that OP hasn't ruled out the idea of more children, just more children with his wife. This is why he doesn't want the vasectomy. He's stated no other reasons to us. And though I agree he shouldn't undergo the procedure if he doesn't want it (regardless of the reasons), if he told his wife the truth, her interpretation of it is likely to make her question the relationship.

I'd certainly be questioning how happy with his family life my OH was if he'd prefer that I got sterilised to keep his options open with another woman while making sure his existing family got no larger.

Thurlow · 31/01/2015 17:57

I don't think its inherently wrong of a man to not be 100% sure that he doesn't want anymore children and to think of that worst case scenario.

I know I won't want any more children after DC2 because I bloody hate pregnancy. If OH died and I met someone else - nope, I'd still not want more children.

I know my OH will be very happy with two DC. I know he doesn't want to leave me.

But I also know that as having children is different for men and women, then they will have different opinions on whether or not they might have more children in the long-term. If I died, OH might meet someone else and want to have DC with them.

FringeDivision · 31/01/2015 18:12

If the condom breaks it is your wife who will be more affected physically. Given that vasectomies are less invasive than female sterilisation I think yabu to not consider it.

Refusing on the grounds that you want to replace your kids if you divorce is awful.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 31/01/2015 18:14

But Cupid, op doesn't want his wife sterilised, he just doesn't want a vasectomy. It sounds like he thinks condoms are ok.

SugarOnTop · 31/01/2015 18:20

your wife has more contraception options available to her other than the pill....she needs to stop being silly and precious - otherwise she can stick to you using condoms.

no way would i allow a man to insist i get sterilized as a 'contraceptive' if i didn't want to and neither would i expect that of a man.

she does NOT have the right to dictate your future to you.

Surreyblah · 31/01/2015 18:23

Yanbu not to want a vasectomy.

Yabu to imply that your wife ought to use hormonal contraception.

Yabu to think that Dc with a future partner would help with dealing with separation from your first DCs. If the fear of your wife leaving with the DC is really a concern why don't you move to a country with a more favourable jurisdiction?

CupidStuntSurvivor · 31/01/2015 18:28

Yes John but his wife obviously doesn't think condoms are ok and as she'd be the one to undergo a pregnancy or abortion if they fail, her concerns really can't be dismissed.

I8toys · 31/01/2015 18:29

Just asked my dh about his vastecomy. He said I had gone through childbirth so it was right that he should have the snip.

For me I don't want any more children whether we split or not but I am not thinking that way. Neither does he. Why do we need to have more children with different partners - sounds like you are keeping your options open - how many children do you want? Your reasons are flawed.

As a 40+ woman who has had to take responsibility for 22+ years of contraception - its his turn.

BoneyBackJefferson · 31/01/2015 18:38

I8toys

"its his turn"

Its his body, so its his choice, you may not like it but that is the way it is (and should be).

and I will point out again that 1 in 10 men that have this done are left with serious long term pain

MuttonCadet · 31/01/2015 18:39

My DH was asked by his first wife to have a vasectomy, he agreed.

It turned out that she was having an affair and planning to leave and wanted to ensure that he had no other kids to "affect her CM".

He had no idea that they weren't in a happy relationship, no idea that his world was about to be turned upside down.

His reversal didn't work, many don't, I wouldn't advise it.

I8toys · 31/01/2015 18:46

Of course its his choice Boney - but contraception is a choice between two people having sex - especially so in a married partnership.

There are other issues in this story that sound odd to me. Thinking about other relationships and having children with someone else sounds bizarre and a cop out for him to not go through with it.

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 31/01/2015 18:47

MuttonCadet - what an absolute lowlife of a person!

OP - YANBU.

If condoms have worked so far, you say you're happy with that and carry on. You aren't asking HER to take responsibility for contraception, you've both been happy to trust them so far - what has changed?

Your reasons, while err - technically correct, are not exactly going to go down well. But if that's how you feel, you have the right to decline any medical procedure.

I don't want my DH to have a vasectomy because of the risk of post-operative complications and long term pain, which is actually quite high (for a 'relatively minor' procedure!). We use condoms and always have. Absolutely fine. I wouldn't take hormonal contraception - he's never asked me to.

There is no need for a vasectomy. You might be better advised, though, to show your wife the stats on complications etc. and just say - no. Not willing.

BoneyBackJefferson · 31/01/2015 18:51

I8toys

"Thinking about other relationships and having children with someone else sounds bizarre and a cop out for him to not go through with it."

They are his reasons, it doesn't matter what we think of them, it should be enough that he has any doubts.

"but contraception is a choice between two people having sex"

and in this case the choice shouldn't involve an operation as he doesn't want it.

Marynary · 31/01/2015 18:53

If condoms have worked so far, you say you're happy with that and carry on. You aren't asking HER to take responsibility for contraception, you've both been happy to trust them so far - what has changed?

I imagine that the thing that has changed is that OP's wife was willing to risk an accidental pregnancy before having children but she doesn't want to now that she has children. Condoms aren't that effective.

Marynary · 31/01/2015 18:58

I agree that no one should be pressured into having a medical procedure if they don't want to but that applies to women as much as men. If women don't want to to risk pregnancy or abortion by using condoms, use hormonal contraception, invasive female sterilisation it doesn't make them "silly and precious"Hmm.