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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get a vasectomy

203 replies

RichardInBermuda · 31/01/2015 11:36

I suspect I am being unreasonable; so I'm ready for an ear bashing.

My wife has asked me to get a vasectomy. She feels that since she has carried two children and we've both decided that we don't want more; that it's my turn to make a sacrifice.

I respect her point of view but I can't help thinking that's all very well and good for her; but what happens if in 6 months time she decided to divorce me. She'll take the children and move back to her home country were the kids (6 months and 3 years old) will then talk the local language. I'd get to see them at best once every 3 months and my use of the language is limited so I think I'd stop being dad and just become that strange man who can't talk and visits every so often.

Therefore I'd like to have the option that if the worst happens, I'd be able to find a new partner and start a new family. I should point out there's no problem with our relationship and I'm not doing anything naughty that if my wife found out would end the relationship. But we are going to have to international relocate this year and both find new jobs and this will a strain.

The only advantages of a vasectomy is some bare back sexy fun. For 90% of our relationship (I did the maths that's an accurate figure) we've used condoms, with no issues or problems. So if condoms have worked for the last 15 years why are they not okay now?
I realise that I'm planning for a worst case scenario; but isn't that what you're suppose to do?

Notes:
We live in Bermuda
My wife doesn't use the pill because she's worried of getting cancer. (I know this contradicts medical advice)

There is a vasectomy reverse operation that's 55% successful.

OP posts:
TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy · 31/01/2015 18:59

engeika I used the cap. When I told my GP after DS2, she gave me a very confused look and said she couldn't recommend that. It always worked well for me though and used it up until DP got the all clear after the snip. I've heard it's hard to get in some places.

DragonMamma · 31/01/2015 19:04

Yanbu OP

I don't think it's something that your DW can or should pressurise you in to having.

FWIW, I have one DC from a prev relationship and 1DC with my DH. We've decided two is enough for us and I am a banshee on hormonal contraception but DH isn't sold on a vasectomy yet so we've agreed to use condoms and revisit the idea in 3 years. I would never pressurise him in to this and I'm not prepared to go through female sterilisation because of success rates and invasiveness so we've had to meet half way.

I am very fertile and am now worrying about condoms after reading this thread. Maybe abstinence is the key...

JohnFarleysRuskin · 31/01/2015 19:13

I agree cupid, but there's a massive area between dismissing someone's concerns and having an invasive surgical procedure.

Of course, coming to a solution they're both happy with is the key.

NotSayingImBatman · 31/01/2015 19:39

YANBU to refuse to undergo an unnecessary surgical procedure that you don't want.

Your DW WNBU to refuse to have PIV sex with you to ensure she does not get pregnant.

engeika · 31/01/2015 19:50

TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy - I think it can be a bit tricky - and it took practice. I also agree it is not the most effective on its own but in conjunction with a condom it should work.

There are some pretty horrible stories about men wishing they could reverse the procedure. Don't do it OP

BestZebbie · 31/01/2015 19:56

As this particular worst case is also causing you specific concern, might it also be a good time to devote yourself to becoming fluent in your wife's other language whilst she is around for you to practice conversation with? :-)

letsplayscrabble · 31/01/2015 20:10

The pill doesn't give you cancer. Taking the combined pill for 10 years drops your risk of ovarian cancer by 50%, compared to a miniscule increase in breast cancer (one extra case for every 1000 women that take it for 10 years).

2-3% of men who have a vasectomy get chronic, untreatable scrotal pain. I don't know why anyone ever has one.

DamnBamboo · 31/01/2015 20:27

invasive female sterilisation it doesn't make them "silly and precious"hmm"

Tubal ligation is really no big deal. Half a day in hospital! In and out as quickly as a vasectomy. I had mine done. My husband absolutely didn't want a vasectomy. I absolutely don't want any more babies. Ensuring that doesn't happen, really comes to me doesn't it. As many have said, the women is usually left with responsibility and so needs to do her utmost. I'm not saying it's all down the female, but if you absolutely don't want any more kids, and your DH doesn't want a vasectomy but you don't want to use condoms or go on the pill, the remaining options are few and limited.

Don't do it OP! Don't, if you really don't want to.

DamnBamboo · 31/01/2015 20:30

Interesting though how many doctors tried to talk me out of it!

And their reasoning was EXACTLY the same as the OPs (i.e. what if you split with current partner and want more with someone else)

AuntieStella · 31/01/2015 20:31

'2-3% of men who have a vasectomy get chronic, untreatable scrotal pain'

Where does that figure come from? NHS website says 10% (with only treatment option being further surgery to minimise pain)

TRexingInAsda · 31/01/2015 20:32

Yanbu not to get a vasectomy, it's your body, your choice. But YWBU to have a baby (or two) while thinking 'she might be off in 6 months and I'll never see my kids again. ...Ho hum, I'll have some more with someone else if/when that happens'.

happywanderingwithdog · 31/01/2015 20:34

Yanbu. But your view on your marriage seems off.

lomega · 31/01/2015 20:36

Nobody has the right to force you into an invasive procedure on your body that you don't consent to. How would she feel if you pressured her into a hysterectomy?!

FuckOffGroundhog · 31/01/2015 20:38

I don't think YABU to not have a surgical procedure you don't want.

I do think YABU to not want to have a surgical procedure that would ensure you wife isn't forced to have another unwanted child. She did take all the risks your entire relationship and then was pregnant for nine months and gave birth to your children. Seems a minor thing. I also think if you wouldn't be willing to make every effort to see the children you already have and already planning how to replace them should you not see them that often you should defintly not be having any more.

For the record I don't know of any country that lets one person take the kids and just leave without the other parent's permission. So it's pretty fucking unlikely unless you decided to let her go. And since she's moved to a country for you (I assume since you think she would leave) it sounds like she'd made a lot of sacrifices for you already

DamnBamboo · 31/01/2015 20:44

Nobody has to have a baby!
If people are so concerned that it's so dangerous (which I appreciate it is) and they're really scared, then don't do it!

The OP can't help his gender or biology and that doesn't mean he should balls snipped because of it either.

DamnBamboo · 31/01/2015 20:45

I do think YABU to not want to have a surgical procedure that would ensure you wife isn't forced to have another unwanted child

His wife can make sure this doesn't happen herself.
And if she really didn't want any more, why not ensure that it can't happen by dealing with it YOURSELF.

BoneyBackJefferson · 31/01/2015 20:45

FuckOffGroundhog

That is a whole host of emotional blackmail there.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 31/01/2015 20:57

How old are you OP?

There's a small link between a vasectomy before 40 and prostate cancer so I'm holding off until
DH is 40 as there's family history on his side.
I'd prefer not to be on the pill as it will be heading for 18 yrs of it but sex with just a condom scares the crap out of me and kills any interest frankly. I don't want any more kids but personally couldn't terminate a healthy pregnancy.
You might find your relationship improves with lower risk sex

nooka · 31/01/2015 20:58

My dh has had the snip. I felt completely different about contraception before and after children. Before I had my children I was fairly relaxed about contraception, not incredibly careful (on the pill but not religious about taking it at the same time of day etc) and really didn't worry too much.

After having them, and especially as we conceived ds the month we decided to try for a baby and dd by accident when I was breastfeeding I was paranoid. So much so that I really didn't enjoy sex very much because I was always thinking 'what if'. dh said he'd get a vasectomy fairly shortly after dd was born but took a while to get around to it and so we used condoms/withdrawal.

The one time he was a bit slow I had to get the MAP, at that time from my GP, and found the experience humiliating. I was angry that everything was on me. I didn't enjoy pregnancy and had two c-sections with permanent scarring (still hurts when I sneeze 15 years later), so I do think that women get a pretty crap deal. It seems quite reasonable to me that the guy should do the sterilization even with the risks. But of course they should only do so if they want to, no one should be forced to have an operation.

DamnBamboo · 31/01/2015 21:03

Nooka what do you mean everything was on you!
You choose to use the withdrawal method, that's a risk YOU take.
You could have said no.
I love it how some women hear want to 'own their bodies' only when it suits them.

You having a pregnancy scare because of failed withdrawal method is just as much your fault as his.

SugarOnTop · 31/01/2015 21:18

hey marynary....try reading (and remembering) my actual comment before trying to twist my words Hmm

my EXACT words were your wife has more contraception options available to her other than the pill....she needs to stop being silly and precious - otherwise she can stick to you using condoms....so you see-i was referring SPECIFICALLY to her lack of personal responsibility with regards to researching other contraceptive measures for herself.

The only time i mentioned sterilisation was when i was talking about how i would feel in the OP's shoes....*no way would i allow a man to insist i get sterilized as a 'contraceptive' if i didn't want to and neither would i expect that of a man". How would the wife feel if OP had turned round to her and told her to get sterilised because that was the ONLY risk-free way to have sex?

Ultimately, we women are responsible for our own bodies - and we are educated and emancipated enough to take control of that. We wanted more choice and control over our fertility and we got it - yes that comes with some risks but that is life so accept it-or just don't have sex. Why are we still perpetuating this myth that are still at the mercy of men when it comes to our reproductive rights and bodily autonomy?

Passing the responsibility of our fertility over to man when we DO have other options available to us is really warped...especially in this case where the op's wife just can't be bothered to do proper research/speak to her gp/look at alternatives to the pill.

Also, OP is well within his rights to think of a possible scenario where he is no longer in a relationship with his wife. Are you all seriously suggesting that if that were to happen then he does not have the right to have any more children with a new partner?! Do you-as a woman/women feel that should be applied to you also? You really think it's ok to dictate another persons life like that? Seriously warped!

Surreyblah · 31/01/2015 21:50

Sugarontop, for women who dislike or cannot use hormonal contraception the options are pretty limited. Unless they want to rely on condoms/cap.

Surreyblah · 31/01/2015 21:52

What's with the "seriously warped"s?

Posters are not objecting to OP's (who hasn't posted again) considering more DC in the future, more that he seems to see future DC as a life-filler if his wife takes the current DC away

BoneyBackJefferson · 31/01/2015 21:59

surreyblah

"for women who dislike or cannot use hormonal contraception the options are pretty limited."

How does this give anyone the right to dictate that someone should have a procedure that they don't want

CupidStuntSurvivor · 31/01/2015 22:28

The OP says nothing about the wife dictating. He says she's asked and explained her feelings, nothing more.

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