Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get a vasectomy

203 replies

RichardInBermuda · 31/01/2015 11:36

I suspect I am being unreasonable; so I'm ready for an ear bashing.

My wife has asked me to get a vasectomy. She feels that since she has carried two children and we've both decided that we don't want more; that it's my turn to make a sacrifice.

I respect her point of view but I can't help thinking that's all very well and good for her; but what happens if in 6 months time she decided to divorce me. She'll take the children and move back to her home country were the kids (6 months and 3 years old) will then talk the local language. I'd get to see them at best once every 3 months and my use of the language is limited so I think I'd stop being dad and just become that strange man who can't talk and visits every so often.

Therefore I'd like to have the option that if the worst happens, I'd be able to find a new partner and start a new family. I should point out there's no problem with our relationship and I'm not doing anything naughty that if my wife found out would end the relationship. But we are going to have to international relocate this year and both find new jobs and this will a strain.

The only advantages of a vasectomy is some bare back sexy fun. For 90% of our relationship (I did the maths that's an accurate figure) we've used condoms, with no issues or problems. So if condoms have worked for the last 15 years why are they not okay now?
I realise that I'm planning for a worst case scenario; but isn't that what you're suppose to do?

Notes:
We live in Bermuda
My wife doesn't use the pill because she's worried of getting cancer. (I know this contradicts medical advice)

There is a vasectomy reverse operation that's 55% successful.

OP posts:
Sonoma · 31/01/2015 22:35

I would never ever expect my husband to have this done because I have 'put up with' being pregnant and giving birth. I see that as having been a privilege actually.
I always figured that most men who did it did it because they really didn't want any more children rather than making some sort of noble sacrifice Hmm. If OP doesn't feel this way (whether or not his reasons for that have been well expressed), YANBU in my book.

BoneyBackJefferson · 31/01/2015 22:42

cupid

With the OP not having been heard from for a while I had assumed that the thread had moved on.

Surreyblah · 31/01/2015 22:42

It doesn't, but nor does not wanting certain contraception mean she "just can't be bothered to do proper research".

CupidStuntSurvivor · 31/01/2015 22:48

Yes boney and there are commenters who seem to think that the wife of the OP is pushing him into it, rather than asking him if he'll do it.

Marynary · 31/01/2015 23:43

my EXACT words were your wife has more contraception options available to her other than the pill....she needs to stop being silly and precious - otherwise she can stick to you using condoms....so you see-i was referring SPECIFICALLY to her lack of personal responsibility with regards to researching other contraceptive measures for herself.

You don't know that other contraceptive methods are available to her and you don't know that she hasn't researched them. I can't use hormonal contraception and maybe she can't either. Why should she stick to using condoms when they aren't as effective and she may risk pregnancy? It wouldn't give her the right to "dictate" that her DH has a procedure that he doesn't want but it would certainly not be unreasonable to ask. It also wouldn't be unreasonable to abstain from sex in the future.

nooka · 31/01/2015 23:55

DamnBamboo I didn't really want to use the withdrawal method, I wanted dh to go and get the snip as he had agreed (indeed it was his idea). He wasn't keen on me going on using hormonal methods, and I was advised against the coil. Condoms were a stop gap that neither of us liked much.

Having cocked up, yes it was all on me. I was the one that had to prevent/stop any pregnancy because it's my body that was involved, and not his. That's not in any way his fault of course, just biology.

In a couple I don't see why these things should be all on the woman, autonomy or not. If WE don't want another baby, then why is it MY responsibility? Anyway, he got the snip because he was totally sure he didn't want any more children, with me or otherwise. Ten years later and no regrets. We've probably got another five years or so before babies aren't a risk for us anymore, so we're talking about 15 years of worry avoided. He's not had any side effects and when he had it done I think they were less discussed/known.

Krytes42 · 01/02/2015 03:07

OP, your reasons for not wanting a vasectomy sound deeply unpleasant. Your existing children are your children for life - you can't just write them off and spawn replacements if your relationship goes bad.
Whatever your reasons, if you don't want a vasectomy then of course you can't be forced to have one. At the same time, if you don't have a vasectomy and your wife is not okay with the risk of an additional pregnancy posed by condoms, she may not be willing to have sex any more.

RandomNPC · 01/02/2015 03:16

I've decided to man up, and I'm seeing my GP this week about mine.

Mrsstarlord · 01/02/2015 07:21

Sugarontop
Great post, totally agree.

differentnameforthis · 01/02/2015 07:47

urgh... I hate all this 'now it's your turn' when it comes to childbirth/precautions against pregnancy.

NO ONE should be forced to do anything they don't want to with or to their body!

I was happy to NEVER again have children, regardless as to what happens in my future, because I just don't do pregnancy. Therefore I took the move to get sterilized.

a relative of mine had a vasectomy while with his partner, as she didn't want anymore. She subsequently left him for someone else. He met someone else & she wanted children, a reversal didn't work, and they were told that they couldn't adopt because him having had a vasectomy showed he was unwilling to take on more children. That relationship failed as his partner wasn't willing to live without children.

So it does happen..

If you had a good relationship, and loved your wife, and considered the risk and sacrifice it took to carry your beautiful babies and bring them into the world Yes, but pretty sure the op didn't force that upon his wife. It is a risk & sacrifice she was willing to take & which benefits them both, in the long term. That doesn't mean he now needs to take a risk & make a sacrifice, if he doesn't want to.

There are also life time complications from vasectomies, I have recently seen 2 poster who are left with lifelong issues after the procedure (one of which I believe in the inability to get erections without a great deal of pain) and has now been told that he will likely be in some degree of pain for the rest of his life.

The fact that my DH wouldn't have a vasectomy has had an effect on my relationship with him That's sad. How would you feel if you found out that your refusal to have your tubes tied had had an effect on his relationship with you?

The female equivalent is a much bigger and more complex operation and to be fair It's not really...except the fact that I had a general, I had three small incisions & everything was done via key hole. I did have additional pain, because they removed excess scar tissue from 2 previous sections that were in the way of what they needed to do, but if I hadn't had that done, it would have been a much easier recovery!

so that they can avoid having getting pregnant? So why don;t they have the surgical procedure then? There is more then one way to prevent pregnancy!

Female sterilisation is much more invasive and not as effective. Not really "much more" invasive. And I have had it done. And it is actually very effective & I believe the reliability of it actually grows over time...

SisterStickEm · 01/02/2015 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis · 01/02/2015 08:25

Sorry, but I don't trust a publication that says this of male sterilization Research shows that there are no known serious long-term health risks caused by having a vasectomy Because it is a rubbish statement. As I said before, I have come across 2 posters on here (one male, on female on behalf of her dh) saying otherwise.

The male poster is now living with a lifetime of pain after no more can be done for him.

I do think YABU to not want to have a surgical procedure that would ensure you wife isn't forced to have another unwanted child.

1] unless the op rapes her & she gets pregnant & he forces her to have that child, NO ONE is forcing her to get pregnant. Vasectomy is but one way to prevent pregnancy
2] how do you know an accidental pregnancy would produce an unwanted child?
3] vasectomy fails (my dad actually fathered a further 3 children after his)

differentnameforthis · 01/02/2015 08:27

really helpful, SisterStickEm

Claybury · 01/02/2015 08:36

YANBU
DH had the same attitude towards it - he wanted the option of having a second family if something happened to me. I found that weird. I reminded him that if something happened to me he would still have 3 DC's to look after.
However now ours have hit teen years he understands that he really would not want any more DC s, even if I was not around and he had the option of a younger perky second wife.
DH also thought having a vasectomy would turn him into a cardigan wearer.

Dutch1e · 01/02/2015 09:15

I doubt the OP is coming back but I hope he seriously considers a vasectomy. Not because his wife forces him into it (that's just not on - his body, his choice) but because there are huge leaps in his reasoning that say pretty bad things about his relationship, and his general attitude to family, even in a worst-case scenario.

  1. She'd whisk the children away and make zero effort to help them continue their relationship with their father
  2. He can't speak any of his kids' other mother tongue (and apparently makes no effort to try)
  3. There's no way he could move closer to them or visit more often than once every 3 months
  4. He'd like to leave open the possibility of having other children - presumably in a different country to the one his first kids are living in, which will further reduce the amount of time he can see his current children
  5. As it is, he sees only one advantage to a vasectomy (bare-back sexy time) with no mention of the HUGE relief it can be when the possibility of accidental pregnancy is removed from a woman's life.

Seems like there's a lot more to be addressed in their lives.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/02/2015 09:17

RandomNPC
"I've decided to man up"

Interesting turn of phrase.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/02/2015 09:19

Dutch1e

So he should have it done because you don't like his attitude.

meditrina · 01/02/2015 09:24

Horrible choice of phrase, really.

It's not about manliness, either way.

It's about surgery, in an exceptionally delicate area, often carried out by GPs not urologists, despite it having a 10% risk of the serious, long-lasting and usually uncurable side effect of chronic testicular pain. There are MNetters who have this (or DHs have) and it sounds utterly dreadful.

If you look at published research, btw, the NHS quoting 10% is at the mid to low range of complications actually quantified.

Dutch1e · 01/02/2015 09:25

BoneyBackJefferson No, of course not. It was a bit tongue-in-cheek but re-reading I can see that wasn't very clear. Just musing on whether someone with such a cynical approach should really want the possibility of more children. Even planning for a worst-case scenario, there seems a lot of talk of his wife leaving and him being an absent father (rather than things like "perhaps she and I will change our minds and want more kids later")

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/02/2015 09:38

Dutch1e

but we don't know what kind of "approach" he has. We don't even know what type of father he is because its not mentioned. There is no mention of him being "absent" just that he won't be able to see his children as much.

We don't even know if there is a reason why he doesn't know/hasn't learnt another language.

What we do know is that he has doubts about having the snip and that should be enough.

DamnBamboo · 02/02/2015 14:29

In a couple I don't see why these things should be all on the woman, autonomy or not. If WE don't want another baby, then why is it MY responsibility?

It isn't! But it isn't completely his either.
If YOU are adamant about not wanting another child, why not make sure yourself that it can't happen.
If he is adamant that he doesn't want the snip, then there isn't much choice is there.
Clearly you two have worked it out, but you can't force someone to have a medical procedure they simply don't want.

MoanCollins · 02/02/2015 14:49

YADNBU. I know someone who got her DP to have a vasectomy precisely because she knew she was going to dump him and didn't want him to have kids with anyone else. Threw him out almost straight after, took up with another man and got preganant straight of the bat 'having a baby to seal our relationship' she called it, knowing she'd made sure her ex could never do that.

pbwer · 02/02/2015 15:10

Of the two people I know who had vasectomies:

  1. it failed so he has to get it done again
  2. The wife is now a widow
RandomNPC · 02/02/2015 15:29

Are you implying he died from his vasectomy?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 02/02/2015 19:37

Thanks for the representitive sample of 2 people pbwer

Fwiw I think its unreasonable to pressurise someone into a procedure they don't want

But its also unreasonable to your spouse to bear all the risk of possible unwanted pregnancy because you don't want to scupper your chances of having children with a future partner.