to ask how not to look a pathetic case when you've just been dumped?

[whothehellknows]

I can't remember being officially dumped since I was a teenager, and I'm taking it hard. It was a relationship that did need to change or end, but the way he did it felt cold and callous, and I don't feel like it left much room to "just be friends". We're co-workers, so I'm going to have to see the guy on a regular basis. And since he's friends with the "workplace gossip", everybody knew we were seeing each other and will now know that I've been chucked.

I know things will be fine in the long run, but at the moment I'm hurt and having to resist the urge to post passive aggressive facebook statuses (is that a word?) or pierce something or get a drastic haircut just to change the way I feel. It's like I've reverted to my dumped teenage self.

I have to see him at a team meeting (that I have to chair, so can't just sit quietly) and I need to resist the urge to cry or punch him in the face. How do I get through this with poise and dignity?

You're doing really well honey.

men like that, him and your exh, expect to be the sole focus of your life and more.

you are clearly incredibly strong and determined, and loving. you must be to have such a lovely young man in your D's.

hug

Well, it's nice that your team leader has your back! Even nicer than you have demonstrated your professionalism already by soldiering on, which means you now have the option to accept his offer

It's hard getting messages from an ex, but remember: it was a relationship that needed to end or change..... Your kids need your time more than him, and you need recharging time too. It just wasn't a sustainable situation.

God dammit, I gave in and answered one of his messages and ended up in an emotional shit storm. I need a slap.

Yes, you do. A metaphorical one. What the hell are you doing ?

Gawd's sake. who. You ever seen a fisherman on a bank bringing in a fish? Because that's just what he's doing to you.

Oh no no no noooo!

Op put the phone down and back slowly away.

Remember this?

......He was here talking with them about art projects they wanted to work on together, knowing he wouldn't be back. Fucker. He's put me through so much in the last year, and then dumps me because my lone-parenting self didn't have "enough to give" at the end of the week having worked full time and cared for my kids......

It was stupid. I need to find a way to delete without reading the actual messages.

I came across one of his messages that said something like "It's not because I don't love you..." and I totally lost my cool. So I let him have it with both barrels about clearing his stuff out while I slept, about returning my stuff in the workplace... Poor thing, I think he's had to turn off his phone and retire to his bed with smelling salts.

But it didn't help. He had an answer for everything, and it just made me look like the hysterical, overreacting female and he's the rational, long-suffering bloke who has to put up with my histrionics. I'm going to get some sleep and then write an email explicitly requesting that he communicate only on work-related topics and only in working hours.

If you wake up and can't sleep in the early hours, why not have a read of this thread from the Relationships Board. That will give you some more perspective.

Oh I feel for you as I was in that situation a few years ago. It's really hard and there will be times when you fall apart and times when you do things you later think you shouldn't have; you are only human.

My advice
Take a few days off work to sit with the duvet over your head and cry. It's got to come out at some point, so do it under your control.

If you get upset at work, go for an early lunch, lock yourself in an empty office, whatever. However, don't think that people will think you are weak or won't have sympathy for your situation - as long as you behave with a bit of dignity and decency, they will understand the odd meltdown.

You don't need to be friends with this man and there's nothing unreasonable about that. Divide your work life and your personal life. This man is no longer in your personal life, it doesn't matter what he wants. Facebook, friendly chats, texts etc are personal life and no longer appropriate for him - he is work life only. Make this point to him, don't bother listening to any argument from him, just tell him this is how it is now, and ignore anything personal.

Meetings are hard. But they will get easier. If you can't look directly at him for a bit, that's ok. Do what you have to do. I still work with my ex and 2 years later we are civil and amicable enough at work and in meetings, but not really friendly. Sometimes I'm sitting looking at him thinking 'I could poke my biro right through your eyeball' but it doesn't show on my face. Not any more :-)

I've just got cover for this evening's shift, shut off the phone and closed facebook so he can't send me any messaages through there and I won't be tempted. I've done the crying all morning thing (seriously, I just want to punch myself in the face) and now i'm going to throw on some boots and walk a few miles before I try to do anything else. I've really got to find another job. A better job.

Ok, that's a plan. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face and jump into an inappropriate job to get away. Getting a better job is a great plan.

'I've done the crying all morning thing (seriously, I just want to punch myself in the face)'. Why? You are human. You have emotions. You are allowed to feel hurt, upset, furious, devastated, hopeful, resigned, relieved, terrified, in agony - all these things. You will feel all these things in cycles. You have to work through them all (probably more than once). If you didn't, then check yourself for internal wiring as you would be an android.

Take care x

Ok, is this a reasonable idea? I'm thinking rather than struggle in and risk doing a less-than-perfect job (which could actually get me hurt and unable to do my other jobs) I could speak to my boss and tell her I need some personal time in order to make sure my work is of an appropriate standard. I can take it unpaid if I need to. Then at least I look like I'm making a responsible decision instead of running sobbing into the sunset every five minutes.

And after that time, if I go back and it isn't working for me, then I start to look for something different.

No, don't do that. Get through the week, and use the weekend to clear your head. He's really not worth it.

Fake it 'till you make it.

Well done. In a few days, the rose-coloured spectacles will start to melt and you'll feel very much better. (And some hard physical activity is excellent: I've been wont to paint things but the weather isn't really conducive to that at the moment.)

Take care.

x post.

I'd actually shoulder on for a bit. You really will feel so much better by the weekend and the fact that you've kept on going through it will feel good for you. (If you're not quite as up to things as normal, you'll know he reason why and be able to correct it later.)

Hope the DCs are fine.

Maybe punching myself is a little extreme, but I hate myself when I'm like this. I'm usually a soldier-on-with-limbs-hanging-off kind of person and I'm not used to things hitting me this way. I feel really stupid for reacting so badly, since it's not as if I ever believed we were going to settle down and get married or anything of the sort.

Realistically, January/February was always going to be a tough month for me because of some hard project decisions that have to be taken right now and some personal business that I have to carry out that actually scares the crap out of me. And so the relationship stuff just caught me off guard when I was already anxious and I'm floundering. I'm pissed off with myself for not being more cool about all of it.

Actually you're not floundering, you're doing pretty well - you went to, and ran, that meeting and you've held it together for the DCs. OK - maybe you're not at the top of your game this week but just imagine what it could have been like if he was still around and being mean - or if you were still with your ex and with his typical behaviour.

You'll do it and there are plenty people here to talk to if you start to feel wobbly.

Now - go and get those boots on!

Don't be hard on yourself, anybody would find this situation difficult. It is tough, but you're still standing so that's good.

You are being hard on yourself yet still crying and replying to his texts, so that just shows that being hard on yourself does not work. It never works. So it's pointless being hard on yourself or beating yourself up about it. You don't need a slap on the face, you need to be gentle with yourself. Think how you would be with your dc if they were going through a hard time and feeling weak - you would kiss and cuddle them, not slap them about the face and tell them to pull themselves together.

Earlier, the first day this broke, I suggested calling in sick and quietly looking for another job. I still think that would have been the way to go. Calling in sick allows you to avoid talking about your love-life at work which is NEVER a good idea no matter how lovely your colleagues are. Do not be fooled into thinking your team mates are so lovely that it is ok to share with them how much your heart is breaking. Do not ask for 'personal time', wtf is that? I would just say I'm coming down with the flu. Separate love troubles from work (actually blurring that boundary is where this started to go wrong, so fix it now).

Also, like many 'lovely' workmates, from your description of the meeting yours sound dysfunctional and sounds like they have boundary issues. I do not look for lovely people to work with, I look for professional and reliable people. Worst job I had (the one where I cried and ended up leaving) was full of lovely people. My colleagues now are not 'lovely' and would never call me at home to see if I'm ok but they are professional and respectful.

Also, forget the flask. Consider it gone.

His loss and not yours. Best sorted, ended and get on with your life. To hell with gossip. Just act as if it is totally unimportant. Just think-what a an escape you have had. Best of luck for the future when you will see this for what it is -just another part of life's learning curve.

"...He had an answer for everything, and it just made me look like the hysterical, overreacting female and he's the rational, long-suffering bloke..."

So the bastard had a reason for fucking you one last time before clearing his stuff out while you slept did he? He knew that was the last time he was going to see you as BF/GF yet he still fucked you!I've had that happen to me and I have to say that it's the thing that's angered me the most in break-ups. Bastards!

Yep, in hindsight I would have been best off calling in sick for a week. "Personal time" is unpaid time off when you're not sick and so not eligible for SSP. IME it's usually when you're kids are sick and you don't fancy lying to your boss about it.

livid Yep, he had a reason, all right. It did not make things even the slightest bit better.

I don't see this thread as you floundering at all OP! You've had the rug pulled from under you and you are reacting as a normal human being. In time you will pull your socks up and carry on.

What is jumping out from the page though is his reaction to you playing it cool and calm. He can't stand it can he?

He just has to message you provoke whatever guilt he thinks you should have. Even though he dumped you remember!

Quite the opposite to him looking like the rational one he's looking like the needy why can't we be fwendsssssss one.

Aww, the poor lamb! In a breakthrough development, I've discovered the ultimate foolproof way to no longer give even half a shit about being dumped.

What you do is make sure you put in your repeat prescription for Venlafaxine (a great SNRI with awful withdrawal) in plenty of time so you don't run out. But make sure you have an incompetent pharmacy who LOSES your prescription (WTF?) and can't manage to get any more in until you've been out for a couple of days.

Honestly, I've rarely been so ill in my life. But it sure as hell took my mind off things and got me over the hump!