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Original poster

to ask how not to look a pathetic case when you've just been dumped?

240 replies

whothehellknows · 26/01/2015 08:23

I can't remember being officially dumped since I was a teenager, and I'm taking it hard. It was a relationship that did need to change or end, but the way he did it felt cold and callous, and I don't feel like it left much room to "just be friends". We're co-workers, so I'm going to have to see the guy on a regular basis. And since he's friends with the "workplace gossip", everybody knew we were seeing each other and will now know that I've been chucked.

I know things will be fine in the long run, but at the moment I'm hurt and having to resist the urge to post passive aggressive facebook statuses (is that a word?) or pierce something or get a drastic haircut just to change the way I feel. It's like I've reverted to my dumped teenage self.

I have to see him at a team meeting (that I have to chair, so can't just sit quietly) and I need to resist the urge to cry or punch him in the face. How do I get through this with poise and dignity?

OP posts:
HoggleHoggle · 27/01/2015 12:02

Hope it all goes well OP

Original poster
whothehellknows · 27/01/2015 14:54

I went, but I wish I hadn't. I thought that by putting my best foot forward and getting it over with, I'd feel stronger afterwards, but seeing him made it so much worse. I would have been better avoiding it (and him) for longer. Hopefully now I won't have to cross paths with him for a couple of weeks, but the whole meeting just made me realize how much I don't want to stay there. I've been struggling with this particular job for a while (and it is one of my main earners) but I've stuck with it because I really like the team.

I just couldn't look in his direction without welling up. I just focused my attention on my notes and looking towards the other end of the table and any fucking direction but his. There were no breaks, so he didn't try to return my keys, and I had my friend ring me with an "emergency" just before the end of the meeting so I could dash away quick and without interaction.

But by turning up with no sleep, looking like the back end of a bus, it would have been clear to him (even if nobody else noticed) that I wasn't doing well. I bet it made him feel fucking great. "See, she's a mess without me!"

I got the feeling some of the staff team may have sussed that I was upset and what it was about, but the whole group was in a very volatile state. Apparently another member of team had been crying before I arrived and yet another stormed out for a "restroom break" after a provocative comment from different person. Normally the whole group are quite chilled and irreverent, so I don't know WTF was up today.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/01/2015 14:59

OK, so the meeting didn't go well. You weren't very well yourself, you can assume that people would have thought the tears etc. were down to the cold.

You said that yesterday was for wallowing. Today is for getting better and getting some rest. You need to sleep now to get rid of that cold.

I don't know anybody who looks like a supermodel when they have a cold - I definitely do not - but who cares what that man thinks? He probably thought nothing of the sort but, if he has any kind of decency, he will feel ashamed for his behaviour and leave you well alone.

Stop worrying so much about what other people think - and be professional at work, that's all you owe the team. Who knows why the meeting went 'odd', it just happens that way sometimes.

Shrug it off, hot toddy - and get some sleep.

Original poster
whothehellknows · 27/01/2015 15:03

And I left so quick, I left my bloody flask there. Dammit. Should have stayed home and focused on getting another job...

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 27/01/2015 15:03

I think it sounds like you did great OP! You are hard on yourself!

Like Lying says, get yourself better and rested up -and some sleep!

wishmiplass · 27/01/2015 15:12

who Flowers

Second what Lying says - great post.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 27/01/2015 15:25

It's quite good if the team have lots of other things to gossip about, really; it means you won't be their focus, or at least you'll only be 33% of the focus....

Also, he was probably hoping that you'd be unable to function. You chaired a bloody meeting, I don't call that unable to function! Bloody well done. Now go home Thanks

Original poster
whothehellknows · 27/01/2015 15:47

This is true. And now I have a whole pile of kids to keep my mind occupied until bedtime. More win.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 27/01/2015 15:49

Not a bit of it, who - you did great ! This first meeting was always going to be horrible but actually it's a whole load better that you managed it all when you didn't look and feel your best because now you can only go upwards. Smile

And stuff the flask. Grin

Now you can concentrate on yourself (and the DCs) because you know you can do it by yourself. By all means look for another job if you want to but you can afford to be a bit more leisurely about it I think?

Come back this evening when you've had a nice hot shower or bath and let us know how you are.

Original poster
whothehellknows · 27/01/2015 16:00

And... he just text me to tell me he picked up my flask for me.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 27/01/2015 16:06

Of course he did - he's trying to worm his way back. (He could quite easily have given it to someone else to take back to the office.)

You've got some hard thinking to do tonight I reckon? He's a complete twunt but you're still raw - and you sound very invested, still. What would you actually do if he turned up on your doorstep in tears saying that he'd made a terrible mistake and he loved you more than life itself?

Because there's a fair chance that something like that will now happen.

stealthsquiggle · 27/01/2015 16:12

If you want to back away from the role and the team for other reasons do, but please don't do it because of him Sad - it would be such a waste of the effort you have invested to let him do that to you.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 27/01/2015 16:22

No answer. Ignore, ignore, ignore. If you let him talk to you and you get back together then there will be a repeat of all this in about, oh, 3 months' time. So this would all be wasted pain and heartbreak. I'm sure you don't want that, so IGNORE.

And if he turns up on the doorstep then tell him to go away or you will call the police. Then do it.

Original poster
whothehellknows · 27/01/2015 16:35

It would have been just as easy for anyone else to take it back to work for me, or even for him to just leave it at work for me without mentioning it. He didn't need to send me a message today, any more than he did yesterday or the day before. I don't think he'll turn up on my doorstep. I think he's just trying to demonstrate that a) He's feeling just fine and b) He's really a nice guy, look how magnanimous he is by getting my flask for me.

OP posts:
PlumpingUpPartridge · 27/01/2015 16:42

It might be something like 'Look, I'm still friends with YOU, aren't I brilliant.' Well, bully for him. You're under no obligation to be friends, no obligation at all.

Chippednailvarnish · 27/01/2015 16:43

Tell him to drop it back at today's location and you'll pick it next week. At least if other people at the meeting are storming off crying they won't really be thinking about you!

Original poster
whothehellknows · 27/01/2015 16:45

Actually, it doesn't look like he got the promotion he was expecting, either. There was a management meeting before the team meeting, and it seemed like something there was the source of the tears.

OP posts:
dalekanium · 27/01/2015 17:05

Re the face book thing. Facebook deleting isn't 'not amicable' iyswim. It is just that he is rather dull and you aren't sufficiently interested in him any more to have his shit cluttering up your newsfeed.

Not amicable is keeping him on fb and slagging him off.

Amicable is quietly pruning him out of your life. Just like you did.

You made absolutely the right decision. It's him that looks like the pathetic drama lama bleating on about it :)

Original poster
whothehellknows · 27/01/2015 18:29

God dammit, I need to find some self-esteem from somewhere! I can't understand how within a week I've gone from a strong and confident person to a puddle of self-loathing, because of a guy in a messed up mental state. What the hell happened?

OP posts:
PlumpingUpPartridge · 27/01/2015 18:32

Tell us what you're berating yourself about and maybe we can help. It's quite probable that you are being far too harsh on yourself.

Original poster
whothehellknows · 27/01/2015 18:55

I'm upset about the reasons he gave me for finishing with me. Not enough quality time, not physically affectionate enough, using the computer instead of doing things with him. (To me, things that aren't too surprising from a lone parent who works full time and is dealing with a guy in deep depression)

When I started dating this guy 2 years ago, I was fresh out of a 15 year EA marriage. The marriage broke down in part because exh felt that I was emotionally distant, spent too much time on the computer, wasn't affectionate enough. But those reasons came with a healthy dose of gaslighting, insulting my friends, calling me fat and incompetant, shouting, screaming, saying sex with me was like fucking a corpse... In front of my kids.

So basically this guy has just catapulted me back in time and made me feel like my EA ex was right.

OP posts:
ahbollocks · 27/01/2015 19:00

Wowwww yourexh sounds like a prize chump too!! Men like tthis want adoring fans, not real women with real lives and responsibilities.
Take a break from men for a while and get your self esteem from within

PlumpingUpPartridge · 27/01/2015 20:43

Oh, op. So basically two men have both complained that you didn't make enough of a fuss of poor little them, and you're self-critical enough to worry about it.

I bet that you did try to please them and that it wasn't enough, right? The thing is, it never would have been with men like them. They'd have drained you dry and still wanted more.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 28/01/2015 15:18

How are you doing today, whothehellknew?

Original poster
whothehellknows · 28/01/2015 17:56

Still here, smarting a bit but relying on my high boots and shiny hair to perk me up. The team leader rang me at home last evening to say he would have covered the meeting if I had asked him to, and that no one would question my professionalism if I need to bow out of certain activities while things are still fresh.

I was at a different job today that kept me on my toes (but again, everybody's emotions all over the place-- must be something in the water). Came home and got a message that he has left my flask and some other bits in a cupboard at work.

The messages make it harder.

OP posts: