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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how not to look a pathetic case when you've just been dumped?

240 replies

whothehellknows · 26/01/2015 08:23

I can't remember being officially dumped since I was a teenager, and I'm taking it hard. It was a relationship that did need to change or end, but the way he did it felt cold and callous, and I don't feel like it left much room to "just be friends". We're co-workers, so I'm going to have to see the guy on a regular basis. And since he's friends with the "workplace gossip", everybody knew we were seeing each other and will now know that I've been chucked.

I know things will be fine in the long run, but at the moment I'm hurt and having to resist the urge to post passive aggressive facebook statuses (is that a word?) or pierce something or get a drastic haircut just to change the way I feel. It's like I've reverted to my dumped teenage self.

I have to see him at a team meeting (that I have to chair, so can't just sit quietly) and I need to resist the urge to cry or punch him in the face. How do I get through this with poise and dignity?

OP posts:
birchwoodroad · 26/01/2015 23:14

You are not going to be heartbroken over him forever, so you can afford to wrestle back some dignity on this one.

Resist the weird, irrational urge to want him to want you back and doing things to provoke that reaction.

Tell the office gossip, and him, and anyone who asks, that you are "relieved" it's over "to be honest." Don't elaborate. Let everyone draw their own conclusions.

cozietoesie · 26/01/2015 23:22

Good - you're feeling stronger. Smile

Original poster
whothehellknows · 26/01/2015 23:28

birchwood that second sentence is the core of the issue. I need to write that out 100 times until it sticks in my head.

OP posts:
SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 26/01/2015 23:44

There's a great trick if you think you're going to cry and don't want to. Make your hand(s) into fist(s). Dig your nails into your palms. As hard as you can. Distracts your brain from tearfulness.

Good luck - you'll be awesome.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 27/01/2015 00:02

Please let us know how it goes OP - we're all onside

mimishimmi · 27/01/2015 00:03

I would just tell your colleagues (if they even ask) that it didn't work out, that you are a bit hurt but at the same time a bit relieved and it's probably for the best.

mimishimmi · 27/01/2015 00:23

I don't get why guys (and it usually is them) would dump you and genuinely expect that you would want to remain friends with them. It's probably easier if they just mean it, and you take it, as a platitude. If he had sent me that text about the FB defriending I would have replied "I guess so".

ElsaMoFoQueen · 27/01/2015 01:39

Please don't do the whole new look thing. It will be so obvious.

In your shoes (and I've been there but the relationship lasted no where near as long) I'd continue as normal and be really cheerful.

The thing is as the dumper you sometimes get a sick satisfaction from seeing the dumpee sad and wanting you back.

If you carry on like nothing happened it's like sticking two fingers back up at him.

Smile

It will get easier, promise.

Original poster
whothehellknows · 27/01/2015 03:50

Feeling much less wounded about it all after a couple hours of sleep, but it seems I've caught my kids stinking cold.

I think it will work to my advantage. Nobody will want to sit next to me and I have a legitimate excuse for a snotty nose, streaming eyes and a croaky voice. Plus I look brave for soldiering on when I'm under the weather. Win!

OP posts:
ithoughtofitfirst · 27/01/2015 05:09

Haven't RTFT. I thought about how I'd feel and how I would act and to be honest I'd probably just act as gutted as I really was. I sometimes think that can look more dignified. I say this because I once was absolutely gutted I didn't get a job I really wanted (admittedly not quite the same thing!) and I just couldn't be arsed to pretend to not be upset when a friend asked me about it. She made me feel loads better with her advice and I still remember the words she used and turn to them now when I am disappointed about stuff.

Original poster
whothehellknows · 27/01/2015 08:10

So far, I'm looking like a bit of a train wreck. Lack of sleep did not help in the looks department one bit. Much more coffee needed.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 27/01/2015 08:17

Hello Well. I'll be thinking about you today. I know you are going to ace it.

Not saying I'm glad you've got a cold but I agree you can use that as a great comeback if anyone says "are you ok?" You can say "well the blummin kids have kindly given me their cold but other than that I'm fine thanks!" Then you can have the old "there's a lot of it about" chat and move on.

Good luck and imagine that the whole of MN has got your back

PlumpingUpPartridge · 27/01/2015 08:22

Rooting for you today whothehellknows Thanks

If you've got a cold then that's an awesome excuse for nose-blowing and carrying tissues!

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 27/01/2015 08:29

Coffee will definitely help. Chin up OP!

Trills · 27/01/2015 08:29

Take a steaming mug of lemsip into the meeting just to make it clear that this is A COLD?

Him texting you so quickly saying "why did you delete me from Facebook" is a bit pathetic on his behalf - you don't get informed when someone deletes you, so it means that he must have been looking for you at that moment.

ahbollocks · 27/01/2015 08:34

Thinking of you today!

PlumpingUpPartridge · 27/01/2015 08:37

Ooh, good idea re lemsip. Hopefully you can get a few sneezes in there too, for added veracity Wink

Original poster
whothehellknows · 27/01/2015 08:41

And the tears seem to have dried up too, so at least I'm not worried about welling up in the meeting. More about slipping and accidentally on purpose tripping up and spilling my lemsip in his lap. That'd be a shame.

OP posts:
HellKitty · 27/01/2015 08:42

The worst bit is almost over and in my experience is never as bad as you imagine. Chin up and look fab-u-lous even if it's only on the outside.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 27/01/2015 08:49

When is the meeting?

EEVEElution · 27/01/2015 08:57

Thinking of you today, hope it goes well!

Original poster
whothehellknows · 27/01/2015 09:13

I'm getting grumpy about the whole thing now. The meeting is 11-3pm, with an hour's commute either side. Today is usually my day off, which I use to sort housework and prep Wednesday's workshop for another job. So I'm losing 6 hours that I really do need.

And even though I'll be paid for the 4 hours of the meeting, by the time I've paid for after school childcare and fuel for the journey, I'm going to be out of pocket.

Essentially I'm going to pay to go and look at his face for 4 hours, whilst feeling like shit.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 27/01/2015 09:16

Oh yes. Channel some of that icy steely fury for today.

wishmiplass · 27/01/2015 09:58

Additional icy steel fury for the shagging thing too!

In the nicest possible way, really glad you've got a cold.

Good luck. As others have said - you will do great. There's been some very kind and wise words on this thread - reread them and take heart.

xx

stealthsquiggle · 27/01/2015 11:58

Grumpy is good, as is fury as long as you don't cry when you're angry like i do Blush

Hope it is going/has gone as well as can be expected, OP.

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