to ask how not to look a pathetic case when you've just been dumped?

[whothehellknows]

I can't remember being officially dumped since I was a teenager, and I'm taking it hard. It was a relationship that did need to change or end, but the way he did it felt cold and callous, and I don't feel like it left much room to "just be friends". We're co-workers, so I'm going to have to see the guy on a regular basis. And since he's friends with the "workplace gossip", everybody knew we were seeing each other and will now know that I've been chucked.

I know things will be fine in the long run, but at the moment I'm hurt and having to resist the urge to post passive aggressive facebook statuses (is that a word?) or pierce something or get a drastic haircut just to change the way I feel. It's like I've reverted to my dumped teenage self.

I have to see him at a team meeting (that I have to chair, so can't just sit quietly) and I need to resist the urge to cry or punch him in the face. How do I get through this with poise and dignity?

Of course you weren't wrong to block him. You don't want to 'talk' to him. It's just another medium for communication you want to close down. To all intents and purposes, you've been violated by what he did.

Thankfully, my sister (without even knowing I'd been dumped) felt a tingle in her spidey sense and started a demotivational meme-off on facebook, distracting me from reading or writing any texts.

This one is my favourite.

How has your boss got a sense of this: has he told her and why does she think you may not be, 'alright' ?

I would downplay it at work and I would do as others have suggested and not respond to any texts.

It does sound as if the whole thing may be on the cusp of developing into a drama with you and colleagues as puppets and this man, who used you in such an appalling manner, pulling the strings.

I'd delete from Facebook too. Why should he get to know what you are up to? None of his business. I think you retain your dignity by being cooly polite at work but freezing him out in all other ways. Maybe he was thinking you'd beg to have him back and it's taken the wind out of his sails.

Warning OP. The manipulation starts.

This. From the moment I read the OP I had a feeling that this was ONLY THE BEGINNING of some serious fuckwittery from this guy. The dumping bit was bad, but looks like it was only the start. Prepare for a siege, you are in this for the long haul. I bet he will try something at work to harm your career, like undermining you at work or something like that. Please don't engage with him whatsoever, you will just feed his fuckwittery and it will not end well.

What a cock.

Do not reply to him!!! Block block block!!!!

Yep get a good blow dry. Get the heels out and remember fake it until you make it!!!!!

I'm guessing he's told the boss, as they were due to be on the same shift today and are quite close mates. And when he broke up with me over the phone, I was crying and told him I needed to put the phone down, so I'm assuming he said I didn't take it well. I don't know if there will be problems at work. It's the sort of job where you need your wits about you, so fuckwittery would not be clever.

Its fine to fb defriend someone who has just dumped you.

Going to buck the trend and say I'd reply succinctly to say "I like to have a clean break, see you at the meeting". Normally I'd agree with others, absolutely no contact. But I think its a bit different when you have to maintain a working relationship.

Have some stock replies ready if anyone at work asks if you're ok or similar.

"oh its always sad when a relationship ends isn't it but to be honest, I'm quite relieved"

Nope, I'm not senior to him. Actually, he's due to be promoted to a position that's senior to me. It will possibly be announced at the meeting tomorrow.

I like this line too for any nosey colleagues that you don't feel you can tell "mind your own business"

"Well I'm sorry it didn't work out but ex wanted more than I was prepared to give"

I don't know if there will be problems at work.

OP, I think you had better listen loud and clear to what this guy is telling you, he is telling you that absolutely there will be problems at work. He has already 1. told the boss 2. asked you to stage a drama at work by returning his stuff AT A MEETING

That's too much of an open remark for me, want - it pretty well invites a 'Really ? Why ?'

I'd rather say simply 'It's best this way. Now .... about that X......'

Forget about your wounded soul, OP, and forget his bad behaviour in dumping you. Your priority now is to keep your job!! Whenever this happens it is the WOMAN not the man who ends up resigning or being fired. And that's regardless of who behaved well and who didn't behave well. And in your case he is friends with the boss and is about to be promoted, so you are very vulnerable at work, at this point.

If he says he is uncomfortable around you, and one of you has to go, it will be you, not him, with a job on the line. Be careful. Maybe start quietly and calmly looking for a new job. I would.

You should not be asking how not to look pathetic, you should be asking for strategies to make sure you still have your job when this blows over. Rule number one: no tears. You already cried on the phone. Do whatever it takes not to cry at work. Call in sick if you must, do what you need to, but do not cry at work.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but you are in a vulnerable position and tough measures are required so you don't end up out on your ear.

Hold your head up high, cry in private, show him what he's missed. It will get better, honest.

They're short of staff as it is, so I don't feel like my position is vulnerable-- but it could certainly be made uncomfortable.

Keep your head high and only miss work if totally necessary - you don't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing you're upset.....

It's totally outrageous that it seems he has informed boss of the split. Exactly what does he think he is doing?

I'm sure you would be but I think you need to be extra careful of your behaviour in work given his stunts so far.

How did the meeting go?

And that includes documenting things/keeping all texts and messages etc etc. You shouldn't have to do that but I'm conscious that you have your DC to consider so aren't as free an agent as you might otherwise be.

OP, I'm glad to hear you are not at risk of being pushed out. Still take care. Treat him like a loose cannon - you never know what mischief he will get up to next. I have a feeling you haven't heard the last from him.

Meeting isn't until tomorrow morning. But him talking about the split to the boss was something I would have expected. They have been close friends for years and chat outside work so it wasn't a shock. The relationship had to be "declared" when it began for ethical reasons, so I suppose it makes sense that it's end would be reported as well.

He will have a certain amount of authority and will be responsible for arranging training, etc. My reputation is very good, though, so if he were to begin to find fault with my practice or something, then it would be quickly noticed by higher-ups as outside the norm.

My eldest just gave me a hug & said "I'm sorry about your feelings." Who needs him when I have lovely kids?

Do not discuss anything to do with this with the boss. If he/she asks after you, smile, say 'yes, absolutely fine thank you' and change the subject back to work matters or close the conversation down. The office gossip will die down very quickly with no fuel for the fire.
Echoing everyone else really, go in, cheerful, bright and positive and prepared for the meeting. Greet everyone, including him, and focus entirely on the subject at hand. Don't make eye contact with him, but don't obviously ignore him. Polite and distant is good. Ignore the texts and soon to be phone calls (they will happen). If he does confront you, tell him that he was absolutely right to make the break, thank you, and that you don't see the need to be Facebook friends as you see each other to talk to at work. Will drive him mad.

No, it doesn't make sense that he reported it, this guy is just trouble. If he valued and respected you he would not have dumped you in this appalling way, and he would have given you the option of 'reporting' the end of the relationship in a civilized manner. Reporting it in this way implies that you are likely to come to work and cause trouble. It is like he was warning the boss. That's why he wants the whole return of his stuff to happen at work: to show you up. Otherwise he would have quietly come to yours to get it.

I am very familiar with the duty to report relationships, and I've never heard of the duty to report the end of the relationship. It must be disclosed when it happens, but there is no duty to keep them up to date about how the relationship is going because the 'unethical' or conflict of interest risks are still there regardless of whether the relationship ends or not. In fact in places where workplace relationships are banned people are not 'forgiven' if they say 'oh, we've broken up'.

And did I say, if so I will repeat, it is always the woman who ends up out on her ear one way or the other.