to ask how not to look a pathetic case when you've just been dumped?

[whothehellknows]

I can't remember being officially dumped since I was a teenager, and I'm taking it hard. It was a relationship that did need to change or end, but the way he did it felt cold and callous, and I don't feel like it left much room to "just be friends". We're co-workers, so I'm going to have to see the guy on a regular basis. And since he's friends with the "workplace gossip", everybody knew we were seeing each other and will now know that I've been chucked.

I know things will be fine in the long run, but at the moment I'm hurt and having to resist the urge to post passive aggressive facebook statuses (is that a word?) or pierce something or get a drastic haircut just to change the way I feel. It's like I've reverted to my dumped teenage self.

I have to see him at a team meeting (that I have to chair, so can't just sit quietly) and I need to resist the urge to cry or punch him in the face. How do I get through this with poise and dignity?

OP, just to add, in places where workplace relationships are banned it is the ENDING of the relationship they are worried about, not the existence of a relationship. The shit hits the fan when people break up, and no workplace wants a fighting couple on its hands. The hostility, tears, awkwardness, snide remarks, property being returned at meetings are just intolerable and usually somebody (the woman) has to go or life becomes very grim for everybody else.

I have to see him at a team meeting (that I have to chair, so can't just sit quietly) and I need to resist the urge to cry or punch him in the face. How do I get through this with poise and dignity?

I have been here with this one. Sometimes when the tears well up, they well up and there's fuck all you can do, you are just going to cry. If that happens, take a bathroom break before the tears come, or start coughing or something and go out for some water. Anything at all is better than crying. You know yourself. If you are a crier, all you can do is make a contingency plan.

kawliga - wise words.

What's also possible (because he's clearly a twat - and, by tomorrow, might be out to make some sort of twattish point) is that he'll actually try to provoke you into losing your cool eg by arguing with you needlessly or with dismissive body language or remarks. (Remember that you'll be chairing the meeting and he'll have his inadequacies gnawing away at his vitals.)

Practice lots of sweeping (but tired) smiles and 'Shall we move on then?' statements. The other people at the meeting would soon become fed up with any such aggression and would back you up.

Of course it might all go swimmingly - just be prepared in case it doesn't. You're still pretty raw.

I agree with cozie and would add that sometimes what will make you cry is something that comes from offside. He might go with fake kindness 'how are you, I'm so sorry if I hurt you' and before you know it you'll be in floods of tears at work - very damaging.

I would say the main difficulty women face in these situations is the propensity to burst into tears (been there, done that). On behalf of everybody who has ever cried at work, OP, go in there and be strong! Obviously don't punch him but I think crying is the bigger temptation for you.

I'm sorry he was a shit and that you have to immediately go into this situation OP. Matching underwear, favorite outfit, and fake it til you make it. I'm a crier - as in my tears come earlier. If you do feel yourself going, as well as the coughing etc that a PP suggested, bite your back teeth together. I know that not crying is the objective, but waterproof mascara means that there's less of a clear up job. If you do call a bathroom break or anything, have some makeup wipes, powder and replacement eye makeup in your bag so you can put yourself back together instantly. And I know this seems quite non-MN, but I'm linking you a vid about 'seeing the ex' makeup, and how to make sure you look flawless and unruffled. I've used most of these tips when I have either scary meeting that make me feel anxious, or when I've had to go straight back into my usual routine after a counselling appointment, and they make me feel confident that noone can tell from the outside what's going on inside.

Your kids sound amazing.

www.lisaeldridge.com/video/24930/meeting-up-with-the-ex-chat-and-make-up-therapy/

I agree with the gum both for the mint but also to clamp your teeth on.

Actually, tomorrow you just have to get over that first 20 seconds of seeing him in the room - thereafter, the 'Gawd, what have I been worrying about?' will take over.

You'll be fine - just don't let your guard down afterwards.

It is the crying that I'm worried about. It keeps hitting me at the weirdest times, and it's worse if people are looking at me. I'll grab some strong gum on the way in tomorrow.

I've refreshed my hair colour so it will be shiny and at it's best and I have an outfit at the ready. I've accepted the idea that I'm going to come off looking worst in the situation. Mean old whothehellknows doesn't want to be friends and play on facebook anymore with poor depression-suffering ex. Oh well.

I think you are wise. Maybe instead of trying so hard not to cry you should think about damage limitation in case you do cry. It is bad to cry at work, but it is not the end of the world. Many of us have done it and we are still standing.

You will be fine. Even if you cry. Bring tissues, and water, and take a break if possible. And no mascara, as a pp said. You need to look good, not with runny black streaks down your face. Definitely bring tissues, as snot running down your face is never a good look.

Another tip: smile. It's harder to keep on crying through a smile. So even if you start crying and get a wobbly voice you will hopefully find your footing again. The water allows you to steady your voice while you take a sip.

You are so brave. We salute you.

You'll be fine, who. Just grit your teeth for the first few seconds and then he'll likely become just one of the others at the meeting. As I said, though, be careful at the end when he might try that 'fake kindness' bit mentioned above. I'd aim to get out of the meeting sharpish - or invite someone else to come outside with me post meeting to discuss something - anything! - and latch on to that person.

Go in armed with questions to ask people, in case they have heard the news and come at you with that head tilt that says 'you poor thing, we heard you got dumped' as that might set you off with feeling sorry for yourself. If anybody sadly says 'so how are you' you need to immediately deflect. You are there to work, not to talk about your sad love life.

Do not answer any questions about how you are. 'Fine, thank you'. Repeat as needed. Change the subject. Prepare some work-related topics in advance. Be very afraid of your kind colleagues - oddly enough kindness can set you off crying. Professionalism is the way forward, as habit will kick in and hopefully you won't feel like crying any more. Don't worry about coming off cold, it is better than crying and you can always apologize later when this crisis is over.

Maybe have a good cry tonight, to get it out of your system before the morning. Cry out loud, and punch your pillow. Now is the time for histrionics and drama. In the morning, calm and off to work.

To be honest, given his history, he may not go to the meeting. He's had plenty of time off work with stress, including one suicide attempt last year. There is a risk that he'll harm himself to demonstrate how upset he is.

That would be his issue and not yours. Assume he'll be there and go to be calm and professional.

Are you worried he will tell people you are the one who dumped him? So everyone will be on his side?

I'm sorry for your feelings too, who, what a lovely boy your son is.

If you want a tip to stop the tears, take an antihistamine in the morning, you won't cry. Don't hydrate till after the meeting. I've done countless trips up and down the M4, bawling my eyes out, antihistamine puts a stop to it, or at least it does for me.

Hope tomorrow goes well.

I'm not so worried about that as I am that he'll use the facebook deletion to say "look, she didn't want to be amicable." I really wish I hadn't done that now.

You are under no obligation to be amicable. There is nothing at all odd about deleting an ex from Facebook. Nothing at all.

It's fine. FB is supposed to be for people you like, it's social media. If you want a business one, add him to 'Linked in' and then delete him off that. I've just deleted my line manager off 'linked in', there's no obligation to have them on your list.

He will just look like an immature pillock if he were to comment that you've deleted him on FB. He should be careful actually, if he will be more senior than you then that comes with some responsibility.

Pay him no heed, he really doesn't matter.

Yes - completely normal.

You know the truth of the matter and that's all that counts. Remember that tomorrow, you'll be going home to your lovely DCs - your eldest sounds great by the way.

OMG you have to stop now OP. Nobody at work cares, honestly. They don't care whether you blocked him on facebook or not. They just go there to work and earn a living, not to worry about your lonely soul.

The drama going on between you with the tears, plus him with the stress and time off work and maybe threats of suicide, plus telling the boss that you broke up and returning each other's property at work - it's too much for your colleagues (unless you work for Jeremy Kyle).

May I plead on behalf of your colleagues that you should both just stop with the drama. You must not cry tomorrow because that would be massively unfair to your colleagues.

Look, he chose to end things. He can't legitimately get pissy over how you respond to that. FFS.

If you do get in a discussion with anyone at work about the FB thing, say something like 'Well, it's hard right now and I just wanted some space, a bit of separation. That's normal, right?' and give them a slightly sad smile. They will hastily agree and change the subject.

Do not get into a discussion about this at all, not if you're feeling teary. Wait until you feel able to speak without the risk of crying.

Meanwhile stick to 'I'm fine thank you, how are you?' and repeat as necessary. Run away if you have to: 'oh, I must just grab some water'. It is always a mistake to discuss your break up at work in any case when you have been going out with a co-worker. That never ends well. And the woman always pays.

kawliga I didn't make drama. Ok, I did enter a relationship at work years ago, with what I always felt was a reasonable guy. I knew our relationship was fizzling out, but assumed we'd carry on as friends. I haven't discussed it with my colleagues, I didn't mention it to the boss, I'm not responsible for somebody else's time off work or suicide attempts and it wasn't my idea to return property at work.

I am tearful, yes. Being dumped and having all your flaws pointed out in the process can have a way of making a person feel shit and unloveable. But I'm crying at home and venting to strangers on an internet forum, so that hopefully I won't do it at work. I can't see that my colleagues have much to complain about.