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Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships 30

(551 Posts)
CharlotteCollins Sun 10-Aug-14 21:39:15

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Sun 10-Aug-14 21:42:33

Good timing. Thank you Charlotte

CharlotteCollins Sun 10-Aug-14 21:42:34

grin I like filling up old threads and seeing the red sign that the thread is now closed.

<needs new sense of fun>

BluebellTuesday Sun 10-Aug-14 21:43:05

Thank you Charlotte

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Sun 10-Aug-14 21:47:42

Charlotte I have to admit, I hate to see a thread just sit there at 998 or 999... does tend to bug me. grin

CurtWild Sun 10-Aug-14 21:57:06

Hello shiny new thread smile

Funnyfishface Sun 10-Aug-14 22:32:56

Hi ladies.
Hope you are all doing ok.
My appointment with solicitor is in 2 weeks time. Oh has no clue. I need to know what I will be entitled to etc. getting everything in place. - I am scared of what's to come in the coming months but also feel strong.
Maybe because I am taking control of my situation. We have been together for so long. 24 years.
Today he has kicked off because DS 19 had friends over and he couldn't sit in the lounge and watch tv because they were there. He ignored them all but caused such an atmosphere they all left. He then decided to go to the pub and when he came back he was effing and blinding about what a fucking joke the boys were.
So we have sat all night in silence. Oh joy.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Sun 10-Aug-14 22:42:28

FFF good luck at your appointment. Sorry you're having an uncomfortable evening.

Funnyfishface Sun 10-Aug-14 22:54:20

Thanks Alice. How are you?

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Sun 10-Aug-14 23:24:57

FFF Had a wobble, but have been talked down quite helpfully by people on this board. smile So feeling better again, if rather emotionally exhausted for now.

BreatheandFlyAway Mon 11-Aug-14 00:30:53

Hi there, hope you're all well. I feel embarrassed that I'm moving on so slowly. I've presented D papers (a while ago), but he's still not accepting and still putting lots of pressure on - either verbal abuse or softly softly, which is messing with my head. I now find myself feeling like I am willfully destroying everyone's lives because that's the picture he keeps pushing on me. I keep saying, this is a result of your behaviour. He says to me, but I've seen the light, I will be different so now it's your fault for not giving the family a future! confused

Sorry to be me-me when I haven't posted for ages. I've been lurking and sending support across the ether but too knackered in my head to speak sad

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Mon 11-Aug-14 00:42:41

Sounds like all the FWs are singing from the same hymn book this week. hmm

Breathe no worries. Hope he backs down soon, so you can move on.

Funnyfishface Mon 11-Aug-14 00:46:34

Sorry to hear that Alice and breathe - it is so exhausting isn't it? And yet I find myself wide awake now. I will be very tired in the morning.
Let's hope that we all have a better week x

Funnyfishface Mon 11-Aug-14 00:49:11

I have spent the last hour looking at property for sale. I'm not going to be able to afford anything in the same area I'm in now. My boys are here and so is my work... Arrrghhhhhh

GinAndSonic Mon 11-Aug-14 00:55:05

Hi all, its almost a year since i left my abusive marriage, these threads gave me strength (i was a lurker) and i want you all to know its not easy, but its worth it to be free. If / when you are ready to leave, you will be ok. Take it.one step at a time and find support. Life can be on your terms, and it can be good again xxx

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Mon 11-Aug-14 07:19:14

Feeling a bit more myself again this morning. God I hate wobbles. The more I step back and detach (and the spaghetti head clears), the more I realise that I was right - I can never go back. Not that it'll probably ever materialise that he changes his ways - he's clearly pushing his own agenda as I've said a couple times that he needs to focus on himself, not me. Ironic, as generally that IS what he focuses on - himself, his needs, his wants.

Funnyfishface Mon 11-Aug-14 07:23:53

That's good news Alice - have a nice day

Funnyfishface Mon 11-Aug-14 07:27:32

Breathe - they don't see the light and they don't change. They can for a day or two then it all becomes too much effort.
I can remember my oh saying' I've tried to be nice to you for two weeks and where does that get me'
You have done the right thing, keep going x

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Mon 11-Aug-14 07:38:46

He says to me, but I've seen the light, I will be different so now it's your fault for not giving the family a future!

Breathe This is exactly what I'm expecting to hear next from KD. But I will counter it with "you had many chances to change and I waited for you to change then. I am not waiting any longer." I suspect it won't go over well.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Mon 11-Aug-14 07:40:03

FFF Thanks. You too. Hope the atmosphere is less suffocating for you at home today. The whole "silence" thing can be good (better than shouting, I suppose) but also just stifling.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Mon 11-Aug-14 08:16:49

Alright, you will be relieved (or perhaps not) to know the spaghetti head has cleared. Fully.

I tried to think how one full day with KD was like. He didn't want to do much around the house - laze about watching telly or on laptop (okay, yes, I'm on one right now, but I don't spend all day on it - it's open, I pop on, then I'm off cleaning, playing with dcs, and so on). No interest in actually updating the house, but complaining that it's not updated. No interest in the dcs, no interest in the daily stuff that needs to be done. No interest in the school stuff, helping with homework, dealing with doctor appointments and the like.

And he's lying. I've thought about a few things he said on Saturday. He said he'd started smoking again a few months ago (he quit 9 years ago when we first got together) - but today was the first day I was aware of it - because he was careful to hide it from me, as he knows I detest it. He told me he had given up booze almost 7 months ago, but he had told me previously that he sent that email to me by mistake as he'd been drinking and that was a month ago. And his adult son was complaining on fb that all KD was doing at MIL's was laying about drinking and doing nothing. When I said no you haven't, he said "well, I've mostly given it up."

It's like the cheater thing, isn't it? Tell a bold faced lie to make yourself look good, only give ground to a smaller lie when confronted or faced with contrary evidence. Like when he denied trashing me on fb. I told him I SAW what you wrote, then he was all "I don't remember that." I asked him "really? So if I said here, let's log onto your fb RIGHT NOW and see what you've written about me, there won't be anything bad?" He changed the subject. So yeah, he's lying.

I'm just another fallback option, I think. He doesn't want to live with his mum. He thinks he can put off the counselling and work his way back here and it'll all be okay again, because he'll have his life back without having to actually change.

sigh. God I hate relationships. Now I remember why.

CharlotteCollins Mon 11-Aug-14 08:35:12

Hi Breathe, nice to see you lovely. What you're still going through makes me aware how lucky I am - FW has always been the type to forget about me for weeks if his life is interesting enough. It's been easy for me to do NC except conversations about the DCs.

Can you channel your inner ice queen and just shut down conversations when he starts up? Say "this isn't about the DCs" and put down the phone/close the door or whatever? There's no reason you have to listen to that stuff.

FFF nice for 2 weeks... That's hilarious! Mine said similar, but 6 months. Still not much in the grand scheme of a 12 year marriage...

Alice, well done for sorting out the spaghetti head. It's always so persuasive, but what a load of crap he's spinning.

Ew, spinning crap - that's an unpleasant image. Not sure I want my breakfast now! grin

CharlotteCollins Mon 11-Aug-14 08:36:56

FFF - I can't afford to buy here, either. I'm resigned to renting for the foreseeable. Is renting ok where you are?

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Mon 11-Aug-14 08:57:42

I'm just grateful I'm in a council property. KD moved out and agreed at the time to take his name off it, so it's just in my name. He lives with MIL and I imagine when she eventually passes (not to sound ghoulish because I want her to be alive for a very long time) he is her only living child, so he will have a paid for house to live in, so I don't feel too badly about him no longer having a council property. I'd be in a world of hurt if I had to private rent, as ds1 needs adaptations for his disabilities.

CurtWild Mon 11-Aug-14 09:01:14

Morning ladies smile ..*alice*, glad to hear the spaghetti head has cleared. I like your idea of imagining a day with KD and he sounds scarily like mine. Glued to the laptop 24/7 with no interest in me or DC or anything that was going on around him, unless it disturbed him then huffing and shouting, then slamming and silent treatment. Refusing to have a family mealtime, wanting the curtains drawn ALL DAY..not coming to bed until 5am then sleeping til 3pm...<shudders>.. That's enough to remind me I could never live with him again! Like living with one of Harry Potter's Dementors, sucking the joy out of everything.

On another note, I read all KD's texts from whilst I was on holiday. After 'demanding' I reply, he then softens and starts saying how he misses me. Misses having a maid, is more like it. I actually have a life now, KD, oh and please don't refer to me as 'babe', you know I bloody hate it confused

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