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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for not making my child do homework...

211 replies

80schild · 23/01/2015 19:00

So a little bit of history: DS1 is a bit forgetful and always has been. He is now in year 1 at school and as the school keep on reminding me they are trying to help him to become more independent. They get homework on a Wednesday and it is due in on Monday.

Over the past 3 weeks DS a pattern has formed like this.

Get homework on Wednesday: DS forgets school bag - he has after school club and we are not allowed back in the classroom.

Thursday: - He forgets the school bag again. I remind him he has to bring it home. I ask the teacher to remind him to bring it home. She says we are encouraging them to be independent and he will bring it home by Friday.

Friday: - The school bag is still at school. I can't get back into the classroom because they don't let parents in the classroom on a Friday after school.

Monday: Homework is due in. I make him do it, in a blind panic on Monday afternoon amid lots of kicking and screaming just so it looks like I have tried even if it is a day late.

After week 1 I spoke to the teacher and told she needs to give him a bit more support as I felt their tactics were't working. I have done my bit by approaching the teacher and talking to her about it. Now I feel it is her choice - if she asks on Monday where his homework is, I shall say "you have a choice an independent child or a child who has done his homework".

OP posts:

Original poster

80schild · 24/01/2015 18:53

Jumbo - I have a policy of not borrowing from friends. I also don't lend anything that I would miss. IME even the most reliable people lose things. Does that make me the same as your friend or different?

OP posts:

Sazzle41 · 24/01/2015 21:26

He isnt coping with a very basic life skill and you arent bothered and your husband sees ' no point in doing things if you dont get the hang of them straight away' . Marvellous. Great. He cant master remembering basic requirements, so when he cant remember basic info and meet deadlines in later life he will alway, always be in work/be a genious. Of course he will. I am sure you class teacher finds you ...... interesting. Its far easier to blame the teacher isnt it.

grandmainmypocket · 24/01/2015 21:43

OP ignore people who are being rude to you. Being a parent is tough at the best of times. I think the school need to support you where possible.
In our home we use tick charts to try and help my son. He needs to do particular things as per doctor's instructions. And inspite of repeating it until I'm blue in the face he forgets more than he remembers. I hope your situation resolves with time.

Treaclepot · 24/01/2015 21:45

He is five. Tbh fuck it!
I never push mine to do homework, and never will. We didn't have homework til we were 11, poor kids are knackered.

I gently remind them now and again and help them if they ask for help. In years 1-2they quite often never did it, but now in year 3, 4 they organise it themselves, if they don't they miss out on something at school. They are now happy to do it, never moan and it isn't a battleground. And my lazyarsed parenting has taught them more than a few sheets of work.

I did read with them a lot when little as little and often is key imo but the rest of it can wait.

merrymouse · 24/01/2015 21:56

Whether or not this 5 year old can cope with this life skill will depend on

the set up and routine of the classroom. 2)whether this particular 5 year old needs more help to organise himself in school.

The OP has little control over the first point and needs to deal with the second point with the co-operation of the teacher.

I can't see what she has done wrong, except rant a little on the internet - but I think most people would be frustrated if they weren't able to retrieve their 5 year old's belongings from school at the end of the school day.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 24/01/2015 22:06

Quite, merry !

Regardless of whether OP could be better organised (probably), and what one's view on homework are (why, in primary? All we had to do was reading, times tables and the odd special project and I still got Cambridge uni place. Lots of time for reading voraciously for pleasure which my kids don't seem to have with all the school sets them - "all work and no play" etc). He
is at the end of the day only 5! Plenty of time yet.

Sazzle41 · 24/01/2015 22:14

OP you actually said you didnt see homework as being important thats why i think you arent bothered. Also, a teacher has 30 children, her role is 90% educational not drumming in basic life skills to 30 children daily who have parents for that.

Regarding being rude, your planned comment to his teacher :
I have done my bit by approaching the teacher and talking to her about it. Now I feel it is her choice - if she asks on Monday where his homework is, I shall say "you have a choice an independent child or a child who has done his homework". is spectacular not only in its rudeness but in its abdication of parental responsibility. Not much 'finding other strategies' in that comment is there? Incredibly aggressive IMO.

As a teacher i can safely say if you do make the comment you and your child will be very firmly in the 'there is always one' role. I'd be flagging that kind of comment to my Head and the teacher of the year he goes to next. It takes a village to raise a child? How convenient if you cant be bothered to yourself.

betweenmarchandmay · 24/01/2015 22:20

How nice is the OP?

Sazzle I don't care about homework either as I think it's a waste of time. I say that as an erstwhile teacher. It doesn't mean I don't care about my children.

dementedpixie · 24/01/2015 22:29

Sazzle, get off your high horse. The OP is obviously frustrated at the barriers being put in her way of getting the school bag out of school in the first place. I agree the teacher should be reminding everyone to have collected their belongings before they leave the class.

bubalou · 24/01/2015 22:30

I've read all the way through - have I missed it or did the OP answer the 1,000 people who asked the most obvious question.

Why isn't he sent back for his bag?

If ha was to run out without his bag - I would send him straight back in to get it. Their teacher always sends them out with their bags but I have had to do this before for jumpers, hats, swim kits etc.

merrymouse · 24/01/2015 22:31

Plenty of children do need extra help with basic life skills, as do some adults.

Most organisations that deal with the public - supermarkets, hospitals, airports etc. etc. create an environment that helps their use red to organise themselves.

Like it or not, many parents are not very capable for a variety of reasons. Their children still deserve an education.

merrymouse · 24/01/2015 22:32

Bubalou, the OP picks him up from an after school club and doesn't have access to his classroom.

merrymouse · 24/01/2015 22:34

'That help their users to organise themselves'

PurdeyBirdie · 24/01/2015 22:46

YABU.

bubalou · 24/01/2015 22:49

Thank you merry. I did skim read

Really it should be his responsibility and the op should work on it with him as she has said she does - however at ds's school the teachers wouldn't let them out without their bags.

Original poster

80schild · 24/01/2015 22:59

Sazzle - I think you are possibly losing the thread. You have now added an awful lot of extra assumptions, including about my DH . I never said I thought my son was a genius or that he would always be in work - I just implied that he would cope with life, as most people do, even if they are disorganised. He is a normal person after all. Why do you think I can't be bothered to raise my child just because I don't agree 5 year olds should have homework? Your comment is below the mumsnet belt. You are entitled to your opinion about homework but making a point that I am neglecting my child because I don't agree with you is out of order.

Thank you Grandmainmypocket - tick boxes and reward charts have always worked well in our house and I liked the suggestion about having a sign in his tray at school for the things he needs to remember. I was thinking I could get him to make something for me so that it is like a mutual "what can we do to help each other" campaign (or would this be too hard for a 5 year old?)

OP posts:

Original poster

80schild · 24/01/2015 23:07

And I did not answer the 1,000 people who asked why don't I send him back for his bag. On the two days when he can get back into classroom I have sent him back. He comes back with the bag and I think we can go and when I check at home the homework sheet is gone out of the bag. Two weeks in a row this has happened and he is clearly working on his homework avoidance techniques.

OP posts:

mrsfuzzy · 24/01/2015 23:11

ffs WHO is the adult here ?? are you sure it's you o.p? just sort him out now or else you'll have all sorts of trouble with the home work thing when he gets older, and we won't go there when it comes to exam revision, believe me i know ! if there is a medical reason then that's another matter but most kids will try it on and procrastinate.

Spincyclist · 24/01/2015 23:14

80schild how about getting him to make his own reminder? Maybe you could make one for yourself alongside, to help you remember something else.

My Y1 doesn't look in his tray, he just takes his bookbag out of it and ignores anything else in there, including stuff that's there specifically for him to put in his bag! We'll get there eventually.

YonicScrewdriver · 24/01/2015 23:22

Sazzle and mrsfuzzy - AIBU is not fight club.

Jollyphonics · 24/01/2015 23:30

My DSs get their homework on Fridays, which fortunately is one of the days I don't work, so I do pick-up that day. When they come out I check that the homework is in their bags, as well as checking that the weekly newsletter is there too. I do a quick mental inventory - coats, water bottles, hats - and check swimming bags for towels and trunks. If anything is missing I send them back in for it. When we've got everything, we go home.

Could you do this?

loveblackcats · 25/01/2015 01:17

He is playing you, OP. You need to nip this in the bud, now.

nooka · 25/01/2015 02:02

My ds is dyslexic and organisation difficulties are a part of that. When he was five it made no difference that he had both reward charts and punishments, he just regularly forgot stuff. In fact he went on doing so for all of the years he was in UK primary school, and he regularly did miss play times etc for not giving in homework (even the homework that he had managed to bring home and that we had spent lots of very painful time over).

We had a few arguments with the school about the homework and the punishments, but they waved the homework policy in our faces and told us that we had signed the school-parent thing and basically tough. The fact that we had no choice in the matter was apparently immaterial (the policy was particularly stupid IMO, saying that homework at five would lead to good work habits, when I was actively telling my own staff to manage their time better and not to take work home with them).

Otherwise good school that managed ds pretty well (apart from not wanting to help with his dyslexia) and a fairly good relationship with us, possibly because dd was a comparative angel.

So then we moved to a school that didn't set homework at all, except for children who hadn't finished their work during class time. Stress gone . Now ds is at high school and managing all his own organisation, work both in and out of school no problem.

Homework in primary has no evidenced benefits and can cause a great deal of stress. Five year olds get tired enough from school, their family time shouldn't be interrupted by unnecessary make work tasks.

chaiselounger · 25/01/2015 08:11

Sazzle would raise it with her Head and next years teacher?
'There's always one'?

Sazzle is the kind of 'parent blaming' teacher that perfectly illustrates the damaging mentality of some teachers today.

bubalou · 25/01/2015 08:22

That wasn't a dig at you op.

I skim read the whole thread and saw a load of people ask but I couldn't see the answer as someone has now pointed out about after school club.

I was just trying to be clear of the facts before I had an opinion.

Like I said it's really tricky. At my DS school children never leave without their homework or bags - DS is year 2. They are sent home with them every time so I can only assume there is a system in which the teachers put them in there or check all the children have them.

Hard one as I imagine my DS would be a bugger and forget too if it was left to him. Weird system for it to be up to them.

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