AIBU for not making my child do homework...

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So a little bit of history: DS1 is a bit forgetful and always has been. He is now in year 1 at school and as the school keep on reminding me they are trying to help him to become more independent. They get homework on a Wednesday and it is due in on Monday.

Over the past 3 weeks DS a pattern has formed like this.

Get homework on Wednesday: DS forgets school bag - he has after school club and we are not allowed back in the classroom.

Thursday: - He forgets the school bag again. I remind him he has to bring it home. I ask the teacher to remind him to bring it home. She says we are encouraging them to be independent and he will bring it home by Friday.

Friday: - The school bag is still at school. I can't get back into the classroom because they don't let parents in the classroom on a Friday after school.

Monday: Homework is due in. I make him do it, in a blind panic on Monday afternoon amid lots of kicking and screaming just so it looks like I have tried even if it is a day late.

After week 1 I spoke to the teacher and told she needs to give him a bit more support as I felt their tactics were't working. I have done my bit by approaching the teacher and talking to her about it. Now I feel it is her choice - if she asks on Monday where his homework is, I shall say "you have a choice an independent child or a child who has done his homework".

If the after school club is on site there is a good chance NO ONE picks the kids up - those going to club might be sent in a group to the hall before the other kids line up for parents.

Sazzle - I do agree with you - I do need to organise my son. However, organisation skills is not a strong point and to be honest I am not the person to learn from. Most days I can barely organise myself and although I prioritise DS, things still fall through the gaps and the first thing that goes will be stuff like homework.

I see the school's responsibility as twofold. Firstly, when they are at school they are in charge and secondly, when a parents says "please help me," they should try and help. I am not a lazy parent but I am a busy and slightly chaotic parent.

On the whole DS is doing really well at school and academically he is strong - it is just this one area and we could probably both do with some help.

In relation to other points which have been made about the only way of learning being repetition I would like to quote my dad. He used to say "practice makes permanent". His point was that if you keep on repeating the same task and doing it badly you get into bad habits - this is what is happening with DS and I don't want him to end up like me.

It is not the teacher's responsibility, it is your son's but likewise it should fall on him, not you, if he doesn't bring it home to do his homework. The one thing I would do is say to her that he keeps forgetting and if he hasn't done it on Monday then you support her in ensuring it's done and you agree it fosters independence for him to learn what his consequence is if he forgets. After missing breaks and catching up his homework then, he may well start remembering.

I was terribly disorganised, always 'forgot' as much out of want as genuine through infants and juniors, I got into the bad habit of it. When mum picked me up she made me make sure I had it, with dad...I could take advantage and very often 'forgot'. He told the teacher it was my responsibility I had to learn and if i was kept in it was my issue. It was a battle of wills for a while but I did manage to remember and learn.

One thing you could do is put a note in his lunchbox or bag (whichever he will look in, a big one saying 'HOMEWORK!'. Keep it in there and if he still forgets then it's purposeful and truly a battle of wills, if he doesn't then he learns the joys of post-it reminders as part of being organised.

In ds3's school homework is given out on a Monday to be handed in on a Friday. He's 8 and has 30 - 45 minutes work a night. If it is not handed in on Friday (either not been done or forgotten) it has to be done/redone during golden time on Friday afternoon.

I think this is unfair as some children don't have any support at home and it's always the same ones missing out. I once forgot to put it in dc's bag and he had to redo it and was quite upset. However, if he is ever being difficult about doing it I just tell him to leave it to do at golden time and that has him doing it double quick.

I don't agree that primary school children should have homework beyond reading/times tables.

If homework is an important part of the curriculum, it is the teacher's job to ensure that every child is able to complete it, whether that means ensuring enough organisational processes are in place to ensure it goes home, communication with parents, or giving the child opportunities to do the homework in school if there are no resources or support at home.

I understand that sometimes there may be complications that make this difficult, but if a teacher doesn't believe it is their responsibility to help every child, not just those with parental support, they are in the wrong job.

If, on the other hand, homework is just pointless busy work, why set it in the first place?

All these people blaming whoever is picking up, when he's not being picked up, he's going to After School Club! I don't know what OP's school is like but benign neglect would be a compliment for our after school club. No way would any of them check/take responsibility for anything - the kids are on their own. The teacher takes them across the playground straight after school - no-one picks them up.

In that situation the OP isn't being unreasonable, although it sounds like she could be doing more to get both of them into more organised habits at home!

OP, 90% of the posts on here say you are BU and you are still arguing. If you are repeatedly doing something wrong as a child and i stress the child word here, the adults in their life step in and provide guidance. Its your job as a mother. You admit you are chaotic. Therefore woman up and make sure your son isnt inept and chaotic and can do simple basic tasks. Other parents manage it, but as an ex teacher, to be blunt, there is always one parent who cant be bothered. And its you. Its the children who suffer, when all the others are managing basic life skills in their 20's he will be inept, chaotic, scattered and wonder why his peers can have it so together and he is struggling. It's lazy and its not recognising the consequences for your child later in life to say oh well he is doing it wrong again and again so lets give up and not step in and sort such a basic life skill that he will need out for good.

Also, as a teacher, i wondered why parents were ok for their child to be in that position in the class ie. in life as in teaching, 'there is always one' and i wouldnt want it to be my child or for them to have that disadvantage with their schooling. Why put him at a disadvantage so early in life. My parents gave me no coping skills for when i faced a challenge or a setback and its had devastating consequences for me in adult life. Parenting is about more than feeding, clothing and affection. You set an example by your own behaviour and you actively teach life skills and other skills.

Does he do after school clubs every day OP? If so, then yes it's tricky. If not, then when you collect him and see he hasn't got his bag, can you say "nip back in and get your bag", or is that not allowed?

Sazzle, the OP might be the most incompetent mother on the planet, but regardless, it is the teacher's job to teacher up and make sure every child receives an education regardless of what is going on at home.

As a parent I will look after my own children. I will make sure homework gets done and I will do everything in my power to help my child's teacher.

However, as a taxpayer and a member of society I want every child to receive an education according to their needs and regardless of what is going on at home. If there is 'always one', the teacher's job is to help that one.

Find your attitude quite scary Sazzle.

Have to say it, our kids have the rest of their lives to be moulded into compliant little wage-slaves. A pleasure in learning, especially reading, curiosity and joy for life is what needs to be nurtured, not going through the motions of filling in some worksheets.

sazzle, I too find your attitude really frightening.

i find Sazzle41's posts refreshing. and entirely fair.

OP has admitted herself that she struggles with organisation and chaos.

It's her responsibility to support her DS with this, she shouldn't be putting the onus back onto the teacher.

This is a very valuable point to be teaching DS about responsibility, getting organised in terms of schedules/consequences, time management. And what does she do?

Complain that the teacher isn't reminding her DS constantly.

In fact, OP reminds me of a uni friend I had who had the same attitude about "owning" responsibility - she'd ask you to lend her something, you'd do it, saying you needed it back within the week, then if you asked her in a week where it was, she'd say "oh, i forgot. can you remind me tomorrow?", thereby making it my responsbility to remind her again. Drove me nuts to the point where it was one of the factors that led me to ditching her as a friend.

when all the others are managing basic life skills in their 20's he will be inept, chaotic, scattered and wonder why his peers can have it so together and he is struggling.

That's nonsense - he's 5! I could just as well say that all the 'organised' children who never forget a thing are going to be suffering from OCD in their 20s, but I wouldn't be so crass.

I believe DDs homework is put on the school website, which is useful if you have a forgetful child. Well, it was before I switched from PC to Mac :)

Can you write BAG on the back of his coat in permanent marker so he sees it when grabbing his coat at the end of the day? (No, I'm not really being serious). How does he remember his coat and not his bag?

my dd was terrible in the first 2 or 3 years of primary and regularly forgot her school bag or lunchbag or water bottle or cardigan, etc, etc. I had to send her back in to get them at least twice a week and the office staff used to say 'What have you forgotten this time??'

If there had been no-one to send her back and you were not allowed to go back to the class then she would have been snookered. She is now much better at remembering her things but it has taken time and a bit of maturity to get to that stage (she is P7 - last year of primary school)

Merry yes, but the 'always one' is potentially 30.
Each child has its own little foibles.
It would be impossible to remember each individual instruction for each child each day.
We do try.

The OP does state a couple of times about not being allowed back into the class which isn't right either as it doesn't give the option of going back for it on the first day it has been forgotten. That seems obstructive to me and won't help the issue.

my dd used to remember to take things out of the class and then leave it in the cloakroom! She got sent back for them

its ridiculous that there is no way to retrieve the book bag once he has appeared at the door. if it was me, i would wash my hands of the whole thing as the school is so keen on fostering independence.

Amen Chaise!

If a 5 year old child is regularly being sent to after school club without their bag, that isn't a foible, it is a problem that needs to be solved.

If I find we are struggling with an aspect of our day, e.g. getting out the door on time, I don't just nag, I change the environment and set up different routines, e.g. I make sure my children pack their bags the night before, I put a list on the door and I set the alarm half an hour earlier.

If all I did was tell my child's teacher that my 5 year old child had forgotten to bring her homework to school and we were late again because I was trying to 'foster independence' but what can you do? she would rightly think I was a bit of a spanner (Although unfortunately for her it would still be her responsibility to teach my child).

In this situation, the OP can control what happens at home, but she can't control what happens before her child goes to after school club, and she can't get back into the school to get the bag. What is she supposed to do? Break in to the school?

It is the parent's responsibility to ensure their child gets an education - even if that has to be despite the teacher; and it is the teacher's responsibility to ensure their pupils are educated, even if that means despite the parents.

However, in this case I'm not sure how the OP is supposed to get the homework out of the school without a crowbar.

(Although I think the realistic outcome is that both the teacher and the OP remind her DS next week and he remembers his bag, and it is all a storm in a tea cup)

The OP's son is year 1. I teach secondary and the year 7s often completely disorganised. Generally the year 7s are supported by teachers and seen off the premises with what they need. If extra support is needed and asked for, a senior member of the pastoral team become involved, if the school expect homework to be done, they should make it available, either physically or online. With so many VLEs these days, how hard is it to stick it on line? Encouraging independence means teaching it, not just assuming it is there.

OP, YANBU.

I just realised my 2nd post did not post. I said my 5 year old has never really forgotten her bag or she does she gets sent back. I also added that if they can't go back in then I agree that the teacher needs to remind them more e.g all take bags home or all do not etc . In our school they let them back in to get stuff. Even in DC are in afterschool, if it's important, they will let you go back in as the office staff are still about - you go back with them. Seem parents do if loads of times

Sazzle - as I said I do completely agree with you, he is my child and my responsibility and in all areas of life he is happy, confident and well rounded - as I have pointed out. He will definitely not be inept in his 20s. Most people can cope with the vicissitudes of life even if they are disorganised, as I did and my DH did. I am not a basket case, I am just disorganised. I feel this is a huge projection of how you feel about yourself and your life.

You imply and others imply that his form teacher sees me as a "problem" parent. You don't know my relationship with her and you haven't actually asked, in fact you haven't asked me any questions that may be useful in helping you to form a balanced view.

For example, why do you think I can't be bothered? If I couldn't be bothered he would be sitting in front of a computer now instead of reading a book. Your implication is that I don't respect his form teacher which is also completely contrary. She is a fantastic teacher and I feel so fortunate that DS is in her class. To say I have a problem with one small thing that happens is not disrespectful in any way.

Also, I am not arguing with the 90% of the people who have been respectful even if they disagree, I am arguing with you and the only reason I am choosing to argue with you is because you have been quite rude.

I am sure, that all parents, reflecting on their own childhood see ways to be better parents themselves. Also, I found once I became a parent I not only reflected on my own childhood but promised myself that I would address my own weaknesses and, insofar as I am able, I have addressed my weaknesses and tried to improve upon them.

This does not mean that I am now perfect and any parent that holds themselves up as a paradigm of perfection will have severely screwed up children.

You are also implying that I am happy with my child being in this position in class - I am actually not happy with it. He was not in this position last term and last year in reception when we had homework he was not in this position either.

Lastly, as a teacher if a parent came to you and said: "please would you be able to help me with this? What can I do at home to support my child?" - would your response really be to say "woman up"? Or, would you have said "let's talk about it and develop strategies" which to me, is what a good teacher does do.

I don't see my relationship as a one-way street where the teacher says and the parent does. If we are having a problem at home I see it is my job to engage with her and communicate, so that we can be working together in helping him. Isn't there an old saying that it takes a village to bring up a child. For me his school is an integral part of the village.