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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend her daughter is getting fat

207 replies

ExtraJudgeyPants · 23/01/2015 12:57

Have name changed as feel like an arsehole writing this!

My friend is massively obese and is unhappy with her weight and I worry her five year old daughter might end up the same way.

Friend's DD is looking very chunky lately and I genuinely don't think my friend realises. Although how would I know without mentioning it?

It's not my business is it, but I feel like I am letting the child down by not mentoining it, just in case her mum hasn't noticed.

We are close so I know she would have told me if there was any health issues with her daughter. And my gut instinct is that she would tell me if she was worried about her weight/eating, that's why I would like to bring it up.

I keep reading that such a high % of primary age children are overweight or obese (something like 40% in Wolverhampton), someone else must have come across a similar situation !?

I am a genuinely concerned friend but don't know if I should do it at all, let alone what I would say. Please help and don't hold back (like you would anyway:))

OP posts:

Electriclaundryland · 23/01/2015 12:59

Not your business. Leave it alone.

BullshitS70 · 23/01/2015 12:59

Is she preschool? They get weighed in reception by the NHS and have follow ups if the child is obese, so maybe wait for that?

CaptainAnkles · 23/01/2015 12:59

I don't think I would say anything. I can't think of any tactful way of broaching the subject without sounding like you're insulting either her or her child.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 23/01/2015 13:00

Don't go there. Seriously just don't.

molyholy · 23/01/2015 13:01

This is really a tough one. I can't help I'm afraid. I am in exactly the same position with my SIL. Would be interested to hear the replies. Although, I feel like I couldn't say anything. I didn't even say anything to DH - he mentioned it to me.

UncrushedParsley · 23/01/2015 13:02

this. Absolutely no good will come from it. She has eyes in her head!

DeanKoontz · 23/01/2015 13:02

Your friend already knows.

Don't go there.

msrisotto · 23/01/2015 13:02

Yeah, really not your place. She will know, other people will have said something too.

HelloItsStillMeFell · 23/01/2015 13:04

Say nothing. If it is the problem you think it is then the authorities will do it for you. No good can come of you telling her, whether she already realises or not.

KneeQuestion · 23/01/2015 13:06

What DeanKoontz said.

Christinedonna · 23/01/2015 13:06

Why don't you just suggest activities that could help? For instance if you have a child the same age offer to take them both swimming or to the park? If not maybe try and incorporate her and her daughter in a new 'healthy eating' thing you have going on. Maybe if you're close enough to go shopping together suggest healthier alternatives to what she usually gets. If your friend is overweight and unhappy that unfortunately is her problem but I totally see where you're coming from if she doesn't notice the change in her child, someone needs to step in..you're only doing it because you care

WorraLiberty · 23/01/2015 13:06

I'm sure she knows her DD is getting fat. She probably just doesn't know why.

As frustrating as it must be for you, I really don't think there's anything you can do about it.

Gawjushun · 23/01/2015 13:07

Leave it. If your kid is overweight then every doctor, health visitor, and school nurse will tell you anyway. Plus they'll be able to give constructive advice. You will seriously run your friendship by being judgy.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 23/01/2015 13:07

Difficult one.

on one hand I think people generally have changed their idea of what is and isn't overweight and a bit of fat is not seen as such by many, so it is entirely possible that she doesn't see it as overweight. If things change gradually with someone you see all the time sometimes you just don't notice. Until one day when it hits you.

on the other hand, if she's struggled herself she may well be VERY aware but desperate to not give her daughter food issues or make a big deal out of it and perhaps she is trying to maintain weight and let her daughter grow taller and then it will even out.

Or the child might be square but a healthy bmi, you don't know.

schools do weighing these days, don't they? So I assume they'd flag it up to her if the child's weight was a concern.

I can't think of a way you could say anything without hurting her.

It's not your business but she's your friend and yes, there's a child there who has no choice too and when you care about people it is hard to shrug and say well, not my business, just let them get on with it. That sort of coldness doesn't go hand in hand with loving someone. So obviously you have concerns about people you love, it's just whether it's appropriate to act on them.

I don't know. I'm no help at all to you am I? I hope others who reply are. (as I type this there are no other replies, in case I cross post with anyone! )

Perhaps, i dunno, start a conversation about your struggle to ensure healthy eating in your children and see if that leads anywhere?

ouryve · 23/01/2015 13:08

Even though your observation is no doubt correct, she would have to be a really good friend and you the most tactful person in the world for you to be able to raise the subject without upsetting her.

I'd leave it.

kaykayred · 23/01/2015 13:09

It's like asking the safest way to jump off a cliff.

Just don't go there.

Original poster

ExtraJudgeyPants · 23/01/2015 13:09

I am a massive chicken so am glad to hear the replies so far.

She's in year 1 primary so must have already been weighed. Think she was slimmer last year tbh, so hopefully this is just a puppy fat sort of phase

OP posts:

angelos02 · 23/01/2015 13:10

I think you should say something. The child may thank you for it one day. For the posters saying it is none of your business, would you say the same thing about a child that was very underweight? I'd hope so.

rebelfor · 23/01/2015 13:11

I wouldn't dare, no/

angelos02 · 23/01/2015 13:12

I meant 'I hope not'.

lunar1 · 23/01/2015 13:12

I wish someone had told my mum when I was getting fat! I think if she was a good friend she would be grateful. I hope someone would tell me if my children were getting overweight. So much easier to change things with a young child.

Not all schools do height and weight, I've not heard that they have done it at my children's school.

TychosNose · 23/01/2015 13:15

I think it depends how close you are and what kind of person she is.

Do you and she discuss her weight?

I'm not sure I agree with pp wrt your friend already knowing. I think lots of parents don't realise how overweight their kids are and if it's pointed out in a sensitive and supportive way it could be a kick up the arse to change.

You could taLk to the school nurse. She/he won't be able to discuss it with you but you could raise your concerns then leave it with her?

HighwayDragon · 23/01/2015 13:15

I'd say something too, looks like I'm a minority though

Thumbwitch · 23/01/2015 13:16

I had a similar problem with my sister and DN2. I did have a word though, as it was clear that my sister (who also has big weight problems herself) wasn't paying attention to the causative issues - DN2 is a BIG eater, whereas her 2 sisters are not, especially the younger one. I suspect that Dsis was just so relieved that one of them wasn't a picky eater that she just let her get on with it - but when I saw that she was eating (at 7) an adult sized portion and then getting seconds, usually at least half the same again, I did say something. It hasn't helped at all - but my sister didn't get offended about it, she just can't seem to do anything about it. Net result is DN2 is getting larger and larger :(

JohnFarleysRuskin · 23/01/2015 13:25

I would probably talk a lot about healthy eating for kids snacks blah blah and exercise as an exchange of ideas kind of thing.
I wouldn't mention fat though.

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