To tell my friend her daughter is getting fat

[ExtraJudgeyPants]

Have name changed as feel like an arsehole writing this!

My friend is massively obese and is unhappy with her weight and I worry her five year old daughter might end up the same way.

Friend's DD is looking very chunky lately and I genuinely don't think my friend realises. Although how would I know without mentioning it?

It's not my business is it, but I feel like I am letting the child down by not mentoining it, just in case her mum hasn't noticed.

We are close so I know she would have told me if there was any health issues with her daughter. And my gut instinct is that she would tell me if she was worried about her weight/eating, that's why I would like to bring it up.

I keep reading that such a high % of primary age children are overweight or obese (something like 40% in Wolverhampton), someone else must have come across a similar situation !?

I am a genuinely concerned friend but don't know if I should do it at all, let alone what I would say. Please help and don't hold back (like you would anyway:))

While, yes, the mother does need to be aware that her DD is overweight, if she is overweight, it is fair enough to say butt out, for many reasons. The biggest is the danger of it being taken the wrong way, as others have pointed out as I've also encountered people who say their child is solid, like their father or that huge portions are just a healthy appetite, and so on. Unless the OP's relationship with her friend is the sort where they can both be very frank with each other, the friend may take the comment as spiteful,or as being picked on (because this is the 8th person to say such a thing about her DD), if she is in this kind of denial and, if the friendship is damaged, there's a danger of retaliation.

And skewed ideas of healthy body size can go both ways. I'm a little overweight on paper and a good stone overweight, in reality, for my slight frame. I've had people tell me I'm slim. There are also people who think that people slimmer than I am are grossly obese - plenty of them have posted in such a way on mumsnet. I'm not saying the OP is one of those people, but how do we know that the OP isn't someone of this mindset who isn't seeing a child in a normal weight range develop a few soft bits, prior to a growth spurt. Even my slim boys do that, sometimes - one week their trousers are snug around the waist, which is seeming a little soft, and the next they look like capri pants and they look skinny again.

You'd need to be absolutely sure of the situation and the friendship before you could definitively say, yes, something needs to be said, and be sure that any good would come of it.

Some children do put weight on before a growth spurt, my dd has always done that.

It is hard isn't it wyrdbyrd when you're worried about it, I feel the same. It's tricky too because I only have the one DS, I know some people with a thin DC and a bigger one and I guess they wouldn't beat themselves up so much because well hey whatever they are doing for one must be ok.

I think the other thing to be aware of is that range charts exist for a reason, just as some DCs are naturally skinny some are more likely to be at the top of the chart. One of DS's pals is overweight and I think not eating much in the way of junk food, despite walking to and from school which is a mile and a half each way.

I have a very complicated and likely unhealthy relationship with food as the fat child of thin parents. I wish I had an easy answer, but I don't. I push exercise as that's something I know that I enjoy as an adult and also should hopefully help with having a healthy food relationship.

I wouldn't bring it up, but if she ever asks you your opinion I would be truthful, especially if she is in denial about the reality. But help with suggestions how to deal with it if she does decide to speak about it. But I wouldn't raise it with her directly unless she does herself.

Depends whether you fancy a smack in the chimps, I suppose.

Those stats (like 40%, or even 20%, of kids overweight) always surprise me. I can only think of a handful of overweight-looking kids in DC's school (and it's pretty diverse in terms of SES, ethnicity, etc.). I can only assume that my perceptions are totally wrong and I am exactly one of those parents who would not have a clue either way!

rookie - I was even a bit scared of posting that tbh.

It's horrible - it's been about a year since we went to the GP and we just don't seem to be getting anywhere.

She started showing signs of puberty at about 8 and two and a half years on I would guess that she would benefit from losing about a stone. A good third of the excess went on last year when she experienced an episode of bullying at school (not weight related, just a personality clash thing). We didn't realised she was comfort eating until we discovered the bird box was full of chocolate bar and crisp wrappers .

Anything like that is now kept on the highest shelves so it has to be asked for, we don't generally have puddings during the week and she has started playing basketball. Am hoping to rope her to doing C25K with me at some point in the spring but I'm currently waiting for abdominal surgery so not sure when it'll happen.

She has sugar-free muesli for breakfast, a typical lunch is a chicken salad wrap, couple of bits of fruit and savoury popcorn or baked 'crisps, small handful of dried fruit & nuts for afternoon snack and her evening meal would usually fit on a side plate. She only gets 50p worth of sweets on a Friday when she goes to youth club, but even with all of this the excess just doesn't seem to be shifting.

Really don't know what else I can try tbh, which is why I'd be so devastated if anyone brought it up .

If she is a close friend I'm surprised the subject of weight isn't something you may chat about anyway. My friends and I do chat about our DC 's weight sometimes - I moan that although my teen DD is very slim she does not exercise at all and my desire for her to be fit is not to do with her weight, I have noticed my youngest is chubby at times whereas my elder two have never been ( agree about kids gaining weight before growth spurts )
I know it's delicate but there may be an opportune moment to chat about it without it being judgy, and more about lifestyle than body shape too.

She could easily not realise.
I had a friend ask me the other day if I thought her daughter was getting a bit overweight as she wasnt sure- Her daughter is very obviously obese. It was a tricky conversation!
Having said that I wouldnt say anything unless asked. I dont think anyone is going to say- oh gosh, really, you're right- she will just get defensive.

Esssshk! Bit risky! I wouldn't!

I got told I was fat from an early age. I was 4 years old when I first started getting pestered about my weight. I was never carefree or confident like my peers at school and ended up having a very complicated relationship with food.

I have been everywhere from 6 stones to 15!!
Looking back at photos of myself at 4,5,6 I was completely normal and it makes me angry that I was robbed of confidence at an early age for no really reason. My own mum (who was overweight as a child) is now 7 stones. Very underweight has oesteoporosis from a poor diet the list goes on with her.
She tried to Void having an overweight child by obsessing over my weight from such an early age. All she ever did was completely warp my relationship with food

It may be none of your business but I don't think it's unreasonable to want to raise the issue. I don't agree that the friend would have definitely have noticed a problem either, especially if weight gain was gradual.

Having said that, I can't think of a way to bring up this subject without causing offence or hurt to your friend.

WyrdByrd being tall and well built with large feet is completely different to being fat.

A friend did this to me. I took it on the chin. She was not wrong in what she said nor has she been wrong in what she predicted. We are in touch sporadically (absolutely to do with geography/other circs rather than me throwing my dummy out) but I never forgot what she said or how hurt I felt at the time even though she was right. If she saw my DD now she would probably think Told you so and again would have right on her side but:
Unless you can actually help on a practical level
It doesn't /won't actually bring anything pointing out the obvious. Her primary school/GP/peers will relay the message if they haven't done so already. And yes, I do feel guilty.

Agree with others about suggesting an activity to do with your dd without mentioning the weight. Key to a healthy lifestyle is finding a physical activity which you enjoy, so you will be doing her dd a huge favour if you can help her along that road. There's enough info about kids diets and obesity to wallpaper every bog in the country, so I don't think it's helpful to raise either of these issues.

I write as the very overweight mother of two boys.

To those who suggest that because the mother is overweight she will have taught her daughter bad habits already, or may not even notice - you don't get to be overweight and miserable about it without knowing the theory about how not to be. I have many problems with food and really struggle to keep myself on a healthy diet. But I have always given my boys a healthy diet, been very careful about what they eat, and encouraged exercise. They are older now, we regularly discuss their snack choices, what they've had for school lunch and so on. One has always been slim and the other tends to be overweight. This was looking to be a problem but he now plays plenty of sport and the weight has dropped off.

To those who suggest the mother won't know - I assume the child wears clothes. Trust me, when you buy kids clothes, particularly school uniform, you very quickly understand if your child is larger than normal as you have to buy up a size, or two, or three.

To those suggesting making helpful alternative food suggestions in the supermarket - if you were my friend, that would be the last time we went shopping together as it would be obvious what you were doing. And I'd probably leave with a much less healthy basket as a result because of being pissed off. I have a 'friend' who drops 'helpful' hints about other aspects of my life. It used to really upset me. Now she just gets told no. But it does make me want to do the opposite to her helpful suggestion

I recognise I am doubtless too sensitive. But if you are already unhappy about this aspect then you don't need it drawn to your attention no matter how well meaning the intervention is. I was always very touchy when given advice about their diet- so even when the dentist made recommendations about them not eating sweets I would wonder if that lecture was given to the families with slim mothers or if the dentist just assumed we lived on Mars Bars.

There could be something in arranging some of your meet ups around potential activity, eg swimming. As long as it's not every meet up and you still get time for the chat and support which your friend no doubt values OP - you sound like a good friend, and your friend is lucky to have you. I am sure that she appreciates your support and understanding.

Unless you can actually help on a practical level
It doesn't /won't actually bring anything pointing out the obvious

I tend to agree. I'm sure you mean well, but the probability is that she knows she is overweight, and she knows what changes she needs to make, but she is trapped for some reason in unhealthy habits. Unless you can help her find the help she needs, there's not much to be gained just by informing her.

Thank you for all the replies, the massively varied responses have given me a lot to think about!

I genuinely hand on heart don't think my friend realises.. Having said that I might be jumping to conclusions anyway.. My DC aren't the same age and I have not seen her compared to her school class, so although she looks quite big to me I might be wrong.

Even if I do have a point I doubt it would change things anyway. It's not like I have any magic solutions.

Will definitely be honest if she asks me and will try and support as best I can. Also will try and incorporate some activities for the benefit of all of us!

We sadly don't have the kind of relationship where such frankness is the norm. Would be good to build that in (I'm not very good at friendships, still learning), but I don't think now is the time to test the waters !

I know you are trying to be nice and you are probably a lovely friend

But unless you can bring children's weight up in a general and very subtle way...then I wouldn't say anything

My youngest is over weight and would probably be considered "fat" as opposed to a chunky monkey

We are well aware that he is overweight and we are tweaking his snacking habits as I think that's probably where the problem is, we have seen the doctor who confirmed that keeping his weight the same is the way to go and he is also having blood tests

You would have to be an incredibly good friend of mine (ie saved my life tyoe good friends) to make any comments about him being fat...

Cross posted OP

I know a very overweight primary age child. He has become progressively fatter over the years and his confidence is now on the floor.
The thing is, he comes from a family who see all the foods that are adding to his problems as treats. He loves his family, loves food but then dislikes himself for giving in to it. It is very sad .
He needs help, but so do his family to be able to give him that help.

WyrdByrd being tall and well built with large feet is completely different to being fat.

Absolutely Worra, but I'd be deluding myself if I believed that DD's genetic makeup (DH is 6'4 and his female cousins are 5'10 Amazonians!) has anything to do with the not insubstantial spare tyre she's sporting at the moment.

As it's all around her tum, I'm hoping it's hormone related tbh and once her body settles down in a few years it'll go on it's own. In the meantime it's all about plugging the healthy food and exercise message.

Luckily she is not quite as sport averse as I was at that age. She loves her basketball and will be hitting the beach with DH and her body board as soon as the weather perks up.

Leave well alone. It will be picked up by a medical professional, or in school soon. Telling her won't automatically make your friend change her dd's diet.

Weird how it's all 'none of her business' when this is a close friend who has also apparently confided in her about her own fears about being overweight. Seems pretty relevant really. Coming out and telling her as such is probably pointless - she will know already, even if in denial. However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't necessarily try and help.