To tell my friend her daughter is getting fat

[ExtraJudgeyPants]

Have name changed as feel like an arsehole writing this!

My friend is massively obese and is unhappy with her weight and I worry her five year old daughter might end up the same way.

Friend's DD is looking very chunky lately and I genuinely don't think my friend realises. Although how would I know without mentioning it?

It's not my business is it, but I feel like I am letting the child down by not mentoining it, just in case her mum hasn't noticed.

We are close so I know she would have told me if there was any health issues with her daughter. And my gut instinct is that she would tell me if she was worried about her weight/eating, that's why I would like to bring it up.

I keep reading that such a high % of primary age children are overweight or obese (something like 40% in Wolverhampton), someone else must have come across a similar situation !?

I am a genuinely concerned friend but don't know if I should do it at all, let alone what I would say. Please help and don't hold back (like you would anyway:))

Wish someone has said something to my mum when I was a child, I was over fed in every way, huge portions, lots of pastry and cheese based dishes and plenty of puddings and sweets - it was done out of love (misguided) and sheer joy of being able to afford this type of food which she herself did not have as a child. To my knowledge nothing was ever said back then other than this puppy fat would go when I was older, it didn't. The result was problems with infertility, pcos and numerous joint problems. At forty I was told following an MRI that I had the knees of someone 20 yrs older, the consultant was very surprised and asked me if I had been a gymnast from an early age. His face was a picture when I explained that I had been extremely obese, I remember being in my teens and suffering knee pain.

Gold I wouldn't be doing my job correctly if I didn't invite parents and patients in your situation to have a conversation about yours and your dcs obesity.

Orange your situation sounds very complicated I can't imagine how difficult it must of been for you as a child coping with how you mum made you feel about food.

I know how emotive a situation this is but ultimately if we heard of a parent depriving their dc of food to a point of making them underweight most people would have no doubts about this being wrong and taking some sort of action. Why is it so difficult to accept the reverse of this?

Are my dc neurotic about their weight? No, they don't appear to be. They are both healthy weights in proportion to their heights and they understand that what they eat needs to be balanced with output and growth. This knowledge and attitude is something I wish I could have had at their ages.

So extrajudgeypants what are you going to do ?

I think The best way to offer any help is to support the child's mum who is trying to Tackle her own weight...as what's the point in recommending a healthier lifestyle for the child (forget whether it would be appropriate to say anything or not for a minute), if the mum is still trapped in her own cycle.

She eats a lot of junk herself and does little or no exercise so it would have to be a whole shift for both of them (no dad on the scene).

I will probably rethink if I see her daughter getting bigger and bigger :( but not going to say anything for now. But going to be honest if she asks.

And if she talks about her own issues I will have to say "remember what you said about not wanting that for your DD" or something as she has said similar in the past.

It's really difficult isn't it, but I'd like to think I would say something.

Sometimes, being told directly to your face that you've got a problem really is for the best, it shocks you into doing something.

eating-disorders.org.uk/information/facts-about-obesity/

I think this is a really good webpage about obesity.

Particular things of note is that in studies of adoptive children who had obese biological parents and healthy weight adoptive parents, the child's weight would be most like the biological mother, irrespective of being brought up by healthy weight parents.

Also, it mentions that although in the past when there were much less obese people, it was people with the obesity genes that were more likely to survive illness or periods of starvation due to ability to store fat. Having the obesity gene helped in 'survival of the fittest' for those times. How times have changed.

Some myths about obesity too, worth a read.

I'm not totally caught up on the thread yet, but I don't think there's anything wrong with just not buying lots of unhealthy snacky stuff - it's not the same as being overly restrictive IME. There's surely a healthy medium between having a cupboard full of chocolate, crisps etc (whether the child regulates themselves or not) and a complete ban which might lead to obsession.

This is important to me as I started gaining weight young. I think I've found a reasonable balance - sometimes in the weekly shop I'll buy crisps/ice cream/cake, sometimes not, if we happen to go to the co-op for milk etc then I'll let the DCs choose something each but that could be twice in one week and then not for several weeks.

We do talk about food for health but it's in a positive way eg calcium makes your bones strong, rather than don't eat this you'll get fat type thing.

It's a fecking minefield though.

I would if I were you OP. Make it subtle and make sure your friend knows it's well intended.