To tell my friend her daughter is getting fat

[ExtraJudgeyPants]

Have name changed as feel like an arsehole writing this!

My friend is massively obese and is unhappy with her weight and I worry her five year old daughter might end up the same way.

Friend's DD is looking very chunky lately and I genuinely don't think my friend realises. Although how would I know without mentioning it?

It's not my business is it, but I feel like I am letting the child down by not mentoining it, just in case her mum hasn't noticed.

We are close so I know she would have told me if there was any health issues with her daughter. And my gut instinct is that she would tell me if she was worried about her weight/eating, that's why I would like to bring it up.

I keep reading that such a high % of primary age children are overweight or obese (something like 40% in Wolverhampton), someone else must have come across a similar situation !?

I am a genuinely concerned friend but don't know if I should do it at all, let alone what I would say. Please help and don't hold back (like you would anyway:))

Exactly John. There is a whole, massive grey area between the two extremes.

People rightly worry about anorexia but not so many worry about heart disease, type 2 diabetes, asthma, joint strain and unhealthy eating/exercise habits that can often stay with their kids for life.

I agree john but the problem is there are so, so many of us who weren't fat and who weren't overeating until someone made a critical comment.

For me it has led to a life of diets and watching my weight. I hope to avoid it with my DCs if possible.

I think children get mixed messages though.

Often they'll have overweight parents, teachers, doctors, nurses, aunts, uncles and the message they'll all give the children is 'overweight is bad'.

In a way, it's like telling them not to smoke with a fag hanging out of your mouth.

As an adult, I understand there may be many reasons why those people haven't managed to lose weight, but as a child I think I might have seen it as hypocrisy. I don't know.

so many of us who weren't fat and who weren't overeating until someone made a critical comment.

Were you genuinely not overweight - body fat within the healthy range?
Or were you actually kidding yourself.

TBH when I was overweight, nobody ever said anything
I wish people had.

Worra
When I was having the MRI done on my knee, I was the only slim person in that part of the hospital.
the staff were huge - and passing packs of biscuits
the patients were huge and snacking as they waited
I felt sorry for their cartilage

How and what have I projected on to my beautiful, well proportioned (in making, in the case of my youngest), popular and confident kids?

No mixed messages here - they are loved and respected and amazing.

I'm not going to read this thread any more, I fear enough for my kids in today's world without the worry that they will be judged and patronised by people like you. Dressing up your criticisms with 'I was only trying to help', or versions of such, only makes you more pitiable.

All I can hope is that people like you don't exist in real life.

My ds is only 4 and he already asks 'am I fat ' and talks about his belly

Somewhere we have fucked up . But I think he looks at his skinnier elder brother and notices

But what the hell do you do when he goes to the fridge wanting bloody cheese!

It's really really tough one

Sensible eating , and loads of exercise I guess

Poor chap gets 'walked' now

And back to op ...

I just don't know and if in doubt.... Do nowt ( and wait and wait )

This is a fascinating thread , especially as a fat parent with one fat child ( out of three ) . The anorexia thing is a bit of a red herring I think , I have looked after countless anorexic's as a nurse and not one was fat before becoming anorexic , to reduce such a destructive illness to issues about weight is belittling the constant battle these people face every day . As outsiders it looks to be about weight , but it is so much more than that .
What really worries me about fat children is the damage you cannot see , as someone mentioned earlier , there is insulin resistance to take into account , but also lets not forget furring of the arteries , this starts at 12 years of age in some children , that scares the shit out of me !
If I were you I would say something , it could be the catalyst that makes the difference , or your friend could throw a stupid childish strop , there is only one way to find out .

talkin - I was about 6 when my mum started going on and on about my weight. I don't know what I weighed but looking back at photos I do not believe I looked fat. I am certainly a sturdier build than my late mother but she was exceptionally petite - bird like. I am more tree like :)

I have never been obese in my life although I have certainly been overweight, but the years of misery to stay within a relatively healthy weight range have been frustrating. Yet I don't have an eating disorder and I am not overweight.

It might have been nice for my self esteem to have been boosted, not pushed down.

I tend to agree that anorexia is a mental disorder and not really anything to do with food . However how it's manifested is abundantly food related, of course.

I would like to hear more from parents with the random plump child and how they handle it ! Especially when they have a normal weight sibling

goldwrapped at what point have I offered help? I don't even know you?

But to answer your question, you appear to have projected your own awful childhood diet experience onto your children by allowing them to become over weight and obese...because (I assume) you didn't want to tackle their weight issues due to your own experience.

Luckily (and I do stress luckily) two of them have managed to lose weight, with I hope no lasting health effects.

You say you'll tackle your obese 10yr old's weight if she doesn't grow out of it, but what makes you sure you/she will be able to by then?

As a PP said, it doesn't have to be a choice between having fat children or children with anorexia.

There is a lot of room in between.

orange
I am sorry that your Mum could not accept that you were a different build than her.
Which is what was really going on.
If she had been the tree and you the sparrow, she'd still have made comments, but in the opposite direction.
Your weight was never the underlying issue.

fromparis
Sadly we need to get back to the habits of previous generations.
If you are thirsty, drink water and if you are hungry have a slice of dry bread
followed by
if those do not appeal you are in fact bored so can wait till meal times

frumpet
The current cohort of children will be the first ones in history to develop weight problems at a young age and be able to afford to stay that way.
I fear that many of them will not live to enjoy retirement.
It is incumbent on us, their parents, to counteract the food industry and bring their intake back into line with what their bodies need.

Worra, I am saying this with the utmost respect for you as a poster and as a person, but - you do always pop up on threads like this and I have to confess I frequently wonder why as you don't appear to have ever been fat, or struggled with your weight.

I don't smoke but am able to understand how addictive it is. I will admit I find it hard to understand why people start in the first place, but they do. I don't understand self harm - I cannot get my head around why someone would feel the need to slice into their own skin with a razor blade - but they do.

As such I don't pop up on those threads, yet all too frequently I see this issue - and it is an issue; it is not called 'the obesity crisis' for nothing - being swept aside with a note of impatience. I find that quite insulting. Note my language: not very or extremely, but just a tad.

I am a very intelligent woman, and yet food and cooking and eating are all very charged in my head due, it has to be said, to it being turned into an issue when I was very young. If one of my children were to be overweight I believe I would have the tact to deal with it sensitively, but certainly I don't think it's a simple or easy issue at all. It is dismissive and condescending to claim that it is.

Talk, I'm afraid that isn't quite accurate.

My mums issue was that she genuinely believed me to be too big. I was taller, more solid and generally a more 'robust' build than she had been at a similar age, ergo, i was fat.

I learned not to eat in front of my parents, thus eating in secret, thus leading to binge eating. I learned eating and being hungry was something to be ashamed of. I learned the crave the foods I was denied but my brother permitted.

It is very easily done, sadly. My mum adored me. In her way, she wanted to help but instead she did unmeasurable harm.

I know many, many women who can cite similar experiences from mothers - going through puberty and 'puppy fat' - or from abusive first boyfriends.

No mixed messages here - they are loved and respected and amazing

Being willing to tackle a child's weight problem because you are concerned about their health is a far bigger display of love than simply ignoring it.

orangecranberry if you want to look at my posting history, you'll see that I frequently pop up on many different threads about all different subjects.

If you want to actually read my posts just on this thread alone, you'll see that at no point have I been dismissive about the causes of obesity.

In fact if you want to read my posts on any thread, I am never dismissive about the causes of obesity...of which there are many.

You're right, I have never been fat or struggled with my weight but is that a prerequisite of posting on threads like this?

I do however have 3 children and therefore understand the modern snacking culture, sedantry lifestyles and other factors that many families struggle with now.

I started my periods at 11 (and have ended up tall for my immediate family, peaking at 5.5) and didn't even reach 48kg until I was 17. I was a fat kid and became a skinny, muscular teen (and am now a pudgy middle aged adult) I'm clearly an anomaly.

Worra, you are quite right that you do indeed pop up on all sorts of threads, but that your replies to anything relating to obesity are fairly consistent in that you will reply to them.

That is not a criticism: we all have our 'fetish topics' so to speak; in the same way I notice SolidGoldBrass will speak out about feminism and feminist takes on relationships, dawndonna regularly contributes to threads about benefits (of which there are many! ); Kewcumber regularly posts about adoption. I'm using those names just to illustrate that while it's possible to post widely, you do 'notice' people's areas of interest after a while. There is no criticism, implied or otherwise, in posting where you want about what you want.

However, given that you are NOT overweight, and never have been, it is fair, I think, to point out that the issues associated with weight loss may be difficult to fully empathise with and understand - I go back to my example about self harm. It is perfectly fair to stick to the facts but to assume the world is full of waddling 5 year olds and oblivious parents is not strictly speaking accurate.

Children can eat an identical diet and one will gain weight and the other will not.

The natural ebb and flow of growth in a child will mean sometimes they look chunkier than other times.

Girls are starting puberty younger than ever and puppy fat is not a myth in these instances.

Having said all that, the idea a child can be transformed by uttering the words 'you're fat' to them is preposterous. It is an issue that needs to be addressed but unlike others on this thread I think it needs to be handled with a great deal of tact, kindness and understanding. Otherwise, there is a large chance it would be largely counterproductive.

Orange
In the Cold light of day, re-read yours and my posts
My mums issue was that she genuinely believed me to be too big. I was taller, more solid and generally a more 'robust' build than she had been at a similar age, ergo, i was fat.

Turn it around : if she had been the dumpy one and you the gazelle, she'd have still had a problem with your size.

Your size / weight / whatever was never the issue
the issue was that your mother wanted a mini-me and did not get one

so push that into your rear view mirror and look at food without her on your shoulder

ouryve
You are like the kids on the MN education threads - the exception that proves the rule

Talk, unfortunately you are not correct but since I don't have the liberty to explain 15 years of my mother, I can only politely request that you respect I do know what I am talking about with regard to this.

Orange you're not telling me anything I don't know and haven't consistently said on threads like this?

Perhaps you've spotted my name but not really bothered to read what I'm saying, I dunno?

It is an issue that needs to be addressed but unlike others on this thread I think it needs to be handled with a great deal of tact, kindness and understanding. Otherwise, there is a large chance it would be largely counterproductive.

I'm sure you mean unlike some others on this thread?

Although having said that, I haven't seen anyone advising that it should be dealt with in any other way.

No-one's suggesting the OP points and says 'Oi your kid is fat'

Well, I would hope not, but on Mumsnet, you just never know!

I suppose what I object to, which is a particularly formal and somewhat poncey word and I apologise for it, is the take that damage only exhibits itself via a diagnosed eating disorder. I believe there are many women who struggle with their weight who would not, had they been given more freedom and choice as youngsters.

Note I am not suggesting letting a 6 year old choose the family meal every day!

But you're right about this...

"Children can eat an identical diet and one will gain weight and the other will not."

This is something a lot of parents struggle with...I know I did when my DS2 developed a large belly in year 6. Interestingly enough, when he was weighed and measured at school, his BMI was well within the healthy range.

I knew he wasn't getting enough exercise because unlike his sporty brothers, he preferred to read, play the violin and build model airplanes instead of tearing round the football field with them.

So I made a conscious effort to buy less snacks, make healthier meals for everyone and encourage at least one form of exercise he liked (in his case trampolining).

I realise his brothers were slim but even so, they benefited also from me not buying so many crisps/biscuits etc because even they were eating too much crap to be healthy.

So it does show that we're all different and if we want to keep our weight down, we can't always eat the same as the next person.

Why do people think intervening to correct a child's weight means the child will be scarred for life?
Given that the child the Op is referring to is aged under 6, simple but effective changes in diet and exercise probably wouldn't be noticed by the child.

Weight only becomes a big deal with children if you make it one.

This thread is very interesting!

OP I have no blimming idea what I would do, bet that helped

My eldest son was very, very overweight when he was much younger. Yes I know the moral of the story is we as his parents shouldn't have allowed him to get overweight in the first place. I know it.

Preventing the obesity in the first place is what is needed. How do we do that? I really don't know. Neither myself nor my exp were overweight I didn't set out for my son to be either.

If the child is already overweight the way it is dealt with is paramount to its success for the child to grow into a healthy adult who is not crippled by food issues their whole lives.

My son is now a fully grown man and a healthy weight for his frame and size I am his mama so obviously going to say he's perfect. But the way his dad was with him about his weight and food, the hushed conversations by other members of the family about his weight, kids at school (the list is endless) had such a negative impact on him it got much worse before it got any better, thank god my son has managed not to let it affect his relationship with food that went on into his adulthood. But I can see easily how that could have happened.

Help your friend if you can who seems very unhappy with her own weight and hopefully that will in turn help her little girl. Good luck!