To tell my friend her daughter is getting fat

[ExtraJudgeyPants]

Have name changed as feel like an arsehole writing this!

My friend is massively obese and is unhappy with her weight and I worry her five year old daughter might end up the same way.

Friend's DD is looking very chunky lately and I genuinely don't think my friend realises. Although how would I know without mentioning it?

It's not my business is it, but I feel like I am letting the child down by not mentoining it, just in case her mum hasn't noticed.

We are close so I know she would have told me if there was any health issues with her daughter. And my gut instinct is that she would tell me if she was worried about her weight/eating, that's why I would like to bring it up.

I keep reading that such a high % of primary age children are overweight or obese (something like 40% in Wolverhampton), someone else must have come across a similar situation !?

I am a genuinely concerned friend but don't know if I should do it at all, let alone what I would say. Please help and don't hold back (like you would anyway:))

Amida
They are perfect height and weight
While they are growing maybe, but if they are brought up to "graze" they will carry on doing so when they stop growing which will lead to weight gain as well as problems with their insulin systems.

mumtotherescue
Children will not self regulate that is an evolutionary dead end

Humans evolved to be very good at eating all they could when they could
Until around 80 years ago food was scarce and expensive
only the very rich could afford to get fat

Constantly available affordable food is incredibly new and still limited to the West.
Kids in hunter gatherer societies eat what they can whenever there is enough.

It is up to parents to learn and show self control

Nothing wrong with being on the plump side

Plump = fat

You can call it every nice term possible but people being fat is linked to the rising numbers of obesity related health conditions in this country.

Mumto - whilst I agree in principle with you, that you shouldn't be giving children food "issues", there can be something wrong with "being on the plump side" - depending on how far it goes.

Apparently the earlier menarche that is happening a lot more among young girls is at least partly due to weight. The girls get to a certain weight and it induces puberty. Early menarche can be hard for young girls to deal with, especially if they're way ahead of their peers.

Some children can self-regulate with food, others can't. Some will have an emotional relationship with food, others won't. Some will be too plump in childhood and go on to be slim adults, others won't.

While I strongly disagree with "fat shaming", especially in children, there IS a point when things should be recognised as being not in the child's best interests, and something done to address this.

Girls tend to start their periods when they reach around 48kg. So a plump child of 8 is more likely to start periods early and therefore to stop growing earlier. My two older daughters weren't 48kg till they were 15 and 14 and therefore didn't start their periods till those age.

I started my periods younger than my friends, because I was fat. I started five years and three years later than my mother and sister respectively. I also have polycystic ovaries which is linked to insulin resistance. I am always wondering that if I had not have been overweight as a child I would I have polycystic ovaries now.

Being overweight as a child has far more far reaching issues than just looking like you are carrying "puppy fat".

"And as they were both large themselves, I'm certain their opinion of what was "normal" was out of sync with reality."

My stepfather's family were all very large. When one of my aunts dieted to a size 12/14 for her wedding her mother was appalled and thought she was far too thin and would waste away.

Mind you my step-grandmother lived to be 90, still massively and morbidly obese, thus confounding all the Doctors' advice and warnings. Not that that's relevant of course.

Agree nobody needs to have regular snacks - I think a lot of people have forgotten how to tolerate feeling hungry while waiting for the next meal, which is then eaten with gusto. Eating little & often is fine as long as it is little

Agree also with the 48kg thing (I thought it was 47kg but hey ho) - overfed children are usually taller than average as well as fatter - they enter puberty early & consequently stop growing early, ending up as short (usually fat) adults.

chippednailvarnish
Look up the science on Fasting and PCOS - a pain free way to reduce the symptoms ......

I was much heavier than 48kg when I started my periods. So there

tobysmum are you tall? (over 5'8")

It's not a given that periods start the moment you reach 47/8kg but that they don't usually start at a lower weight.

Anorexics often stop having. periods if their weight falls below that threshold

yes I'm tall

tobysmum
So, your weight rose till, at your height, your body fat reached the right level at which stage periods started ....

Either say something directly or say nothing at all.

Giving healthy recipes or suggesting activities will won't achieve anything and will either be very transparent and therefore the same as speaking directly or be completely missed and therefore the same as saying nothing. And just a bit knobby really - pointless, and would only make you feel as if you'd done something rather than actually doing something.

I was much lighter when I started my periods. I was 14 and I particularly remember that I was 6½ stone at that age. I was well under 8 stone (50kg) for years, and they didn't stop. My weight did drop to below 7 stone at one point (no eating disorders, just v skinny naturally back in the day), and my periods did stop then but I have just checked and that's 44½ kilos so that's quite close I guess.

There is research somewhere that shows if you give even a very young child a free choice of well balanced food they will over a week or so eat and get exactly the right balance of nutrients

I have struggled with my weight since my 40ties and fear I have given dd1a bit of a hang up about food .she put on a lot of weight after moving in with Dp but has thankfully lost 2.5 stone over the last year.She was never obese-became well covered in her teens , lost it at Uni then put it on again .Dd2has a much healthier relationship with food but is also naturally slim .
We ate very healthily when they were growing up but I think portions were bigger than they should have been .Had biscuits/cake only when expecting guests,puddings only at weekends
I think it is a very touchy subject and one I no longer discuss even with DDs

yeah why not tell them they are both fatties! why just humiliate the daughter

postchild
There is research somewhere that shows if you give even a very young child a free choice of well balanced food they will over a week or so eat and get exactly the right balance of nutrients
The right mix of nutrients, but not the right quantities.

Children under the age of 3 graze.
After that they need to switch to meals and gaps.
For their own future more than anything else

This is such a hard area. Children get fat because there parents allow this to happen by allowing them to eat more than they need, I find it intensely upsetting because I feel there is an element of abuse in this. I realise that many people will find that a deeply offensive and upsetting a concept. In my job I routinely ask people how they about their weight and offer advice, signposting other support. But in my rl I feel paralysed by good manners and say nothing to my neighbour about my concerns for her and her children. They are all obese and I know because our dds are friend that the the dd is unhappy. I want to offer support but imagine it would be poorly received and potentially bad for our good neighbourly ways.
I was obese as a child and young adult I opted to lose this excess weight so as to not pass it on to my dc. Excess weight is something we can choose to alter about ourselves and our dc.
Op YANBU to want to address this with your friend.

Their not there

YABVVVU....

I am overweight. Have been all my life. My Mum took me to a dietician when I was 8. He put me on a weird diet that made me unable to eat with my friends in a normal way. It completely screwed up my whole self image & I have had a lifetime of fighting myself with diets/excercise/slimming pills etc.

My DS was overweight until he hit 15 - he's now perfect - super fit and looks amazing. Ditto my DD, who is gorgeous and in proportion. DD2 is 10 and is obese. She overeats massively. She excercises and eats tons of fruit & veg but loves her food. I refuse to damage her by banging on about her weight. She will grow up & out of it herself. If she hasnt by the time she hits puberty we'll sort it then. I am concentrating on building her self esteem now instead of destroying it.

All this stuff about weight and periods starting is utter nonsense. My DD1 was over 14 stone before she started, aged nearly 14 - she's 6 foot 3.

I've just watched my friends daughter be sectioned & hospitalised due to her anorexia-her Mum is overweight & totally projected her own rubbish on her daughter. This girl will now never ever lead a normal life.

If anyone dared to comment on my daughter's weight to me or her I would annihilate them. I have eyes and am very aware how she looks, and would take such a comment as a personal criticism of my methods of parenting, as well as being bloody rude.

My kids have bags of self esteem and are gorgeous inside and out.

goldwrapped I'm sorry you had such an awful childhood but your post sounds as though you've somehow projected it on to your children.

Allowing them to become overweight and obese was playing with fire, both health wise and self esteem wise.

Anorexia is not the only awful outcome of a parent projecting their eating/weight issues onto their children.

Obesity, health related conditions, low self esteem and misery are often also dreadful outcomes.

Some posters seem to think the only alternative to a fat child is a kid with eating disorders.

That is totally wrong. You can help a child not get fat without damaging their esteem, and I'm sad that people really can't see that's possible.

Hear Hear