Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend her daughter is getting fat

207 replies

ExtraJudgeyPants · 23/01/2015 12:57

Have name changed as feel like an arsehole writing this!

My friend is massively obese and is unhappy with her weight and I worry her five year old daughter might end up the same way.

Friend's DD is looking very chunky lately and I genuinely don't think my friend realises. Although how would I know without mentioning it?

It's not my business is it, but I feel like I am letting the child down by not mentoining it, just in case her mum hasn't noticed.

We are close so I know she would have told me if there was any health issues with her daughter. And my gut instinct is that she would tell me if she was worried about her weight/eating, that's why I would like to bring it up.

I keep reading that such a high % of primary age children are overweight or obese (something like 40% in Wolverhampton), someone else must have come across a similar situation !?

I am a genuinely concerned friend but don't know if I should do it at all, let alone what I would say. Please help and don't hold back (like you would anyway:))

OP posts:
CalicoBlue · 23/01/2015 18:04

As you have said this a not a friendship where you confide in each other, I would not suggest bringing it up.

Though if you are having a conversation about food, weight, diet etc, you could talk about all the press and obese children and how difficult it is monitoring a child's diet. There is also a lot about going Sugar-Free, have a conversation about that and relate it to children's diet. It may come up naturally then.

My DSS is overweight, he eats junk all the time, only drinks fizzy drinks and does no sport. I have spoken to Dh about it and he agrees, but does nothing. On the rare occasion I go to DSS's room there is a big sweet stash by his bed. Knowing makes no difference.

grocklebox · 23/01/2015 18:53

I don't see why you all assume the mother already realises? How many times do you see these stories of mothers whining that the school or the drs said there kid was too fat and how dare they, and you look at the pic and they are indeed overweight.
If she is large herself its likely her idea of what is normal is skewed, same as a huge amount of people. Lots of people think that because the average woman is a size 16, that thats the size that is fine and dandy for women. When for most, its overweight.

theRotcod · 23/01/2015 19:03

I was going to say what grocklebox said. The mum might not be aware.

I don't know if I would say anything though. I would rely on the fact that

theRotcod · 23/01/2015 19:08

Sorry posted too soon.

I would rely on the fact that she will get weighed at school and they'll inform your friend if her dd actually is overweight.

If your friend starts a conversation with you about it, then be honest, offer advice etc but I just think if you broach it uninvited it could go very badly.

WitchWay · 23/01/2015 19:12

Weighing children at school needs parental consent. At DS's school none of the fat children was weighed as their parents withheld permission...

theRotcod · 23/01/2015 19:17

I didn't realise that WitchWay. Seems very unfair on the children with weight issues.

WitchWay · 23/01/2015 19:21

Yes doesn't it? The parents clearly have some idea but don't want confirmation.

Children who are plump rather than fat are often not recognised as such if their parents are overweight. Children who are a healthy weight have visible ribs and look slim.

SorchaN · 23/01/2015 19:48

My brother was a bit chunky as a little kid. When he hit puberty he changed shape and has been slim ever since.

I wouldn't say anything. But then I think most of the current obsession with other people's weight is based on misinformation about the relationship between weight and health, and on logical fallacies about cause and effect.

CheshirePanda · 23/01/2015 20:52

I think you should say something. Politely, and as tactfully as possible. You owe it to the child. Roll the clock forward a few years and think through explaining to the child why you did nothing.

grocklebox · 23/01/2015 21:17

Logical fallacies about cause and effect? HmmI think when it comes to being overweight you need to go with occams razor. Too much food and not enough exercise are the horses, you don't often need to look for zebras.

Thumbwitch · 23/01/2015 23:47

Yes, witchway is right - healthy weight small children show ribs and look what we might think of as "skinny" (not skin and bone skinny, but not chubby either) - so if a child is well-covered enough to not see ribs then realistically they're a little overweight.

grockle - that's too simplistic. Despite what some people think, all calories are not created equal and an excess of high carbohydrate foods are more likely to cause weight gain than a proper balance of fat, protein and carbohydrate.

fromparistoberlin73 · 23/01/2015 23:50

Let's hope and pray she gets weighed at school as it's a very risky topic to say the least!

Often fat parents so have fat kids -Unfortunately for the kids

fromparistoberlin73 · 23/01/2015 23:51

Shit just read witches post

fromparistoberlin73 · 23/01/2015 23:55

People think my ds2 is a bit fat . Say things like

Ooh he is a big lad
Or they pick him up and swoon

I can tell ! We for him weighed he is in same line on chart as was a ten pounder. It's worrying though

grocklebox · 23/01/2015 23:59

the clue is in the word EXCESS of high carb food. Of course not all calories are not equal, there aren't many people who think 100 cals of mars bar are the same as 100 cals of broccoli.
My point stands.

grocklebox · 24/01/2015 00:00

all calories are not equal.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 24/01/2015 00:01

No do not even dream about going there, obvs you know your friend and we don't but I seriously doubt any mum would thank you for telling what she undoubtedly knows,
But you're not B.U being concerned about your friends dd but there are just so things that you can't say

WorraLiberty · 24/01/2015 00:01

I don't think grockle is being too simplistic at all.

Even being fed a shit diet shouldn't make a child fat as long as they're being given the correct portion size, and enough exercise.

Sadly a lot of parents over estimate the amount of food they give their children and totally underestimate how much exercise they need.

I've lost count of the amount of parents who say "Well they do PE twice a week and swimming on a Saturday".

Yet when I was a kid we'd play out every single day after school and nearly all day at the weekends.

But life isn't always like that now for kids as so many don't/are not allowed to play out and there's this constant snacking (often called 'grazing') and parents who won't leave the house without snacks for their kids to keep them 'quiet or occupied'.

It's a different world now and one with a high obesity level for both kids and adults.

Thumbwitch · 24/01/2015 00:05

Yes grockle - your second post I agree with, your first was, as it stood, too simplistic.

grocklebox · 24/01/2015 00:12

It was in direct response to the poster above me talking rubbish, so it was as simplistic as was necessary as a rejoinder. I stand by it though. It is, in most cases, a rather simple formula.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 24/01/2015 00:25

Anorexic? "eat a burger"

Bulimic? "Stop barfing"

Issues with overeating? "eat less and move more."

Yes it is that simple Hmm Hmm Hmm

Christ on a bike.

OP - she'll know. The kid will also know. The kid is likely reminded by other kids at school. The kid likely picks up on her mum's well meaning friends and her family making comments. And so on. She probably then goes and eats something to make her feel better. That helped.

WorraLiberty · 24/01/2015 00:35

Shakes the 5yr old is according to the OP, 'Looking very chunky lately'.

Considering over a third of Primary school children are overweight or obese, it's not guaranteed that the parent will see it, the kid will see it or other kids will see it.

As for "She probably then goes and eats something to make her feel better. That helped"

Well that may be true for some people but it absolutely isn't for some other people who are 'looking very chunky lately'.

SanityClause · 24/01/2015 00:44

Not all overweight people are emotional eaters, ShakesBooty, so your second last sentence may not follow. And for a 5yo, overeating is probably remedied by eating less, or healthier, and moving more.

OP, if she's a really good friend, I would talk to her. Not in a judgy way, but a caring way. If she's not receptive, leave it.

She may not know. There was a thread on here recently, where a HV told the mother of a 3yo that she was overweight. The mother didn't think she was, but posted photographs of her on here, and it was clear to most people that the little girl was overweight. (The mother took the advice given, and decided to ensure things got back on track.)

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 24/01/2015 00:56

sanity clause yes a HV told her. And if OP was a health professional,seeing the child in a professional capacity, she should take action. Obese people are acutely aware they are fat.

It could spectacularly backfire. How would OP feel if the friend reacted badly and told the child "she is calling you fat" in front of her? It could ruin their friendship and it will stick with the child.

However well meaning I just don't think it will help.

SanityClause · 24/01/2015 01:04

Obese people know they are fat. That's true. But parents don't always know when their DC are overweight. That's my point.

Swipe left for the next trending thread