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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend her daughter is getting fat

207 replies

ExtraJudgeyPants · 23/01/2015 12:57

Have name changed as feel like an arsehole writing this!

My friend is massively obese and is unhappy with her weight and I worry her five year old daughter might end up the same way.

Friend's DD is looking very chunky lately and I genuinely don't think my friend realises. Although how would I know without mentioning it?

It's not my business is it, but I feel like I am letting the child down by not mentoining it, just in case her mum hasn't noticed.

We are close so I know she would have told me if there was any health issues with her daughter. And my gut instinct is that she would tell me if she was worried about her weight/eating, that's why I would like to bring it up.

I keep reading that such a high % of primary age children are overweight or obese (something like 40% in Wolverhampton), someone else must have come across a similar situation !?

I am a genuinely concerned friend but don't know if I should do it at all, let alone what I would say. Please help and don't hold back (like you would anyway:))

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 23/01/2015 13:26

Would she even listen though?

Look at the hoo-haa on Mumsnet every time the schools are doing the NWM thing.

Tons of posters refusing to have their kids weighed in school and lots more who allow it, but get all huffy and throw the letter in the bin when they don't like the results.

Some parents just stick their heads firmly in the sand and no-one can pull it out for them.

WorraLiberty · 23/01/2015 13:27

I can't believe I just used the word 'hoo-haa'. That's not something I've ever said before, let alone typed Blush

wobblebobblehat · 23/01/2015 13:34

No, you shouldn't say anything.

Put yourself in her shoes. She is overweight and can probably already see her daughter is going the same way. 'Helpful' friends point it out. How do you feel? Pretty shit I would imagine and a bit embarassed.

The best friends are the ones who accept you and don't judge. If she needs help/an opinion and trusts you, she will ask for help.

Be kind.

wobblebobblehat · 23/01/2015 13:35

Ha ha!

I say hoo haa but have never typed it before.

ChocLover2015 · 23/01/2015 13:37

For Fucks sake!!!!!

which do imagine your fat friend is -blind or stupid?

Butt out!

DeanKoontz · 23/01/2015 13:40

choclover I've been wating to post that for the last 20 minutes. I second that.

Bloody healthy eating police.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 23/01/2015 13:42

Poor kid.

Bogeyface · 23/01/2015 13:43

Maybe leave it a while before you decide what to say.

My DC tend to put weight on and then have a growth spurt. DS particularly looks quite chunky and then shoots up 3 inches and it evens out, some kids eat their way through a growth spurt, mine tend to do it beforehand! His BMI is fine, I keep an eye on it since the last time he chunked up.

If it is still the same in a few months then I do think you need to say something. Maybe in the context of what a nightmare it is to find uniform that fits? Or going on a healthy eating kick yourself and seeing if she would be interested in joining you. Some SureStart centres do cooking classes, could you enrol on one and ask her to go with you as you dont want to go on your own?

Ineedacleaningfairy · 23/01/2015 13:45

I actually think I would say something, also I think id want someone to say something to me if my dc were possibly gaining weight too fast.

Could you download a kids bmi/growth app and put your own kids details in and just casually mention it and see if she wants to check here own dc's bmi?

I disagree that she definitely knows her dc is overweight, if she sees her dc everyday the change would be gradual, also as your friend is overweight her perception of what is a healthy weight may well be skewed and her child might not look overweight compared to her own weight.

If you do mention anything make sure the child (or any children) hear the conversation.

ChippingInLatteLover · 23/01/2015 13:46

If you feel such an arse posting it that you have to name change, doesn't that tell you all you need to know?

rookiemere · 23/01/2015 13:48

I wouldn't say anything direct as I can't see how it would go well.

If you have your own DC you could however try to structure your meetings around going out to the park, swimming etc.

Gileswithachainsaw · 23/01/2015 13:48

Oh god this is a really tough one. I mean a friends should know you'd not say it out of ridicule or to upset her and tact it comes from a good place right?

and the sooner something is done before eating habits become really deep rooted and harder to break the better.

I don't buy the fact she would know either.

as worra said the letters go in the bin and people pile in with stories of how the kids are just tall or big boned or how they slimmed out after a growth spurt etc.

no one takes it seriously any more and continue to carry on as normal to prove their point that it's Bs.

but I'm not sure i would say anything either.
mmmm tough call

Bogeyface · 23/01/2015 13:48

Choclover DeanKoontz

And what about in ten years when the child has serious health issues, is being bullied, cant join in sports at school? Would you be saying then that it was right that no one said anything, and it was right that the OP decided to "butt out"?

The friend is very obese and is unhappy so yes she may well see that her DD is getting bigger. Equally she may not as her idea of a normal weight could be so skewed that she sees her DD as fine because she isnt as big as the friend is. And whether she does or not, she seems to not be able to deal with it, and a good friend would offer to help her.

When that teenage girl (Georgia? Georgina?) was all over the TV and the papers, people were shouting about why no one dealt with the mother as she was the problem, and here you are saying butt out!

fluffling · 23/01/2015 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Branleuse · 23/01/2015 13:54

its none of your business

fuzzpig · 23/01/2015 13:57

Really difficult. Depends how it would be received I think.

I don't necessarily agree that the mum would already know, though. People's perceptions can be very skewed and she may genuinely not realise the problem (or be in massive denial)

DeanKoontz · 23/01/2015 13:57

bogey I think there had been lots of professional intervention with that case you mention, and it had all failed. Also, at the point she was cut out of her house, she was 19. An adult in her own right. It's not the same, and an extreme case.

Op is asking whether she should pick up her friend on her parenting skills. Turn it around and ask yourself how you'd feel if someone pointed out something about your child that was bloody obvious and suggested you should change it.

If op thinks her friend is otherwise a good mum, she should assume that the friend has this in hand and not offer advice unless it is asked for.

MagiMinx · 23/01/2015 13:58

Hmm, tricky.

To all those saying "she knows already" - well, I don't think that's necessarily true. There are decently-designed studies which show that often parents don't know. We're not very good at judging when it comes to our own kids.

The questions are whether it's your place to say, whether it would be useful to her to be told, whether it would hurt your friendship (and how much this matters to you both), etc.
I'd be tempted to work for an environment in which SHE can bring it up if she likes. Otherwise someone else in a more straightforward position (school nurse?) will likely tell her soon enough.

paperlace · 23/01/2015 13:58

You can't, in all honesty, say anything. You just can't.

It will hurt her and it won't work anyway.

If she gives you an opening you can start a discussion.

I know two overweight children, they are both in my family.

Case one - the mother, who I'm close to, talked to me about her worries that dd was getting fat. Though I never agreed with her or actually said I thought she was overweight, I replied with suggestions and questions to get the conversation going.

Case two - child overreats and is given food as reward and to keep him quiet (imo). I again have said nothing but at my house I give him normal, smaller portions. He cries and has 'told on me' to his mum who clearly did not know how to resond, but I could see she was embarassed.

Jackieharris · 23/01/2015 13:59

I wouldn't comment on her weight it if she was feeding her junk food in front of me I'd comment on that.

Jackieharris · 23/01/2015 13:59

But not it

paperlace · 23/01/2015 14:00

MagiMinx - I totally agree with you. Doubt the mother knows. As many have said, some people have lost sight of what 'overweight' looks like especially with children.

MrsTawdry · 23/01/2015 14:02

Your friend may or may not know but I think you'd be wrong to say anything. Instead, why not help her to get her DD moving more? Offer to accompany them on walks etc?

My Dh has a friend who is huge...and both his sons are too. The wife is TINY and it's so odd...I really feel unhappy when I'm around this family because it almost seems abusive the way this skinny woman feeds them all utter crap and doesn't eat it herself. It's odd. But I'd never say anything.

rookiemere · 23/01/2015 14:03

Some people genuinely don't know though so I agree with magiminx. One of DS's friends is a lovely little boy, completely normal size, wouldn't even say he was particularly thin, but his DM who is overweight frets about him being too skinny.

Whereas I am painfully aware that DS is at the top end of acceptable and we try our best to ensure he gets lots of exercise and not too many treats ( sadly not always successfully).

WyrdByrd · 23/01/2015 14:07

Please don't.

My DD is overweight (as am I). She is tall and genuinely well built (5ft tall and in a size 6 shoe at 10) so it's not as obvious as it might be on a naturally smaller child but still noticeable.

I am painfully aware of the situation. We have been to the GP who advised trying to maintain a healthy diet and exercise while she 'grown into it', particularly as she is already going through puberty.

I am doing my best, but it breaks my heart to think people may be thinking/talking negatively about her because of her appearance and that any day now the teasing/bullying might start.

One of my friends has commented on her size in passing on a couple of occasions. She and her DD are tiny, both height and weight wise, and I think it just seems alien to her so I've let it slide, but if she or anyone else brought it up in the way you're suggesting I'd be mortified and extremely upset and tbh I don't think I would feel the same way about the friendship again, no matter how well meaning the intention was.