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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When you don't want to give money towards a honeymoon? (wedding related)

239 replies

chicaguapa · 18/01/2015 13:22

I know there are loads of thread about this already but is it now considered (by the MN jury) to be selfish to buy a gift when the b&g have specifically asked for money towards their honeymoon?

My sis is getting married in the spring and I have received a cash poem on the invitation. We're not close so I've no idea where they're planning on going for their honeymoon or why they can't afford one.

I hate giving money as presents and particularly don't want to for a holiday unless it's an improving one. But should it matter where they're going? Where is the line between the wishes of the giver and the recipient?

OP posts:

Eastpoint · 18/01/2015 13:23

Can you just respect her wishes & give her money? You don't need to make a statement or educate her, just give her a card & a cheque.

ImperialBlether · 18/01/2015 13:24

Why are you going to her wedding if you're not close?

I'd rather give money for a honeymoon than buy a toaster they don't need or (worse) a picture they don't like.

Annunziata · 18/01/2015 13:25

Give her towels.

FightOrFlight · 18/01/2015 13:25

Just buy them a useless fish-slice. That'll show 'em.

This is a subject that really divides people. Personally I'd rather give them money so they can spend it something they want rather than waste my hard earned cash on something that will never be used.

longestlurkerever · 18/01/2015 13:27

I think if you are close, that's more of a reason to go off list and get something special. Otherwise I would just go with the cash option. Silly to get them something they may already have or not want, though your dsis should accept gratefully.

expatinscotland · 18/01/2015 13:28

I have no respect for grabby people who use an event to tout for cash. Just charge admission. Why bother going if you are not close?

Just get her a bottle of fizz.

Can't afford a holiday? Don't have one.

ghostyslovesheep · 18/01/2015 13:29

I always think these thread are started by people who want to buy a set of 'hand made' sparkly glasses off e-bay for £5 and resent people actually knowing how much they value their invite

YABU if they have asked for money it's no different than having a wedding list - bung em a £10

PetulaGordino · 18/01/2015 13:30

i would only go off-piste for someone i knew very well and was very close to, as then i would know exactly how well it would be received

otherwise you're just buying a present to make a point, which i don't think is appropriate for a wedding (or any other occasion really)

ZanyMobster · 18/01/2015 13:31

We asked for honeymoon vouchers, we could afford a honeymoon but had 2 houses we combined into 1 so had 2 or more of everything we needed and we really had no space for more photoframes etc etc so we asked for vouchers for our travel agents. Maybe they would like a more luxurious holiday than they usually have, people who care about them would be happy for them surely.

We made it clear we did not expect anything but put the details in the invites. We only invited close family and friends so we knew no one would take offence.

Some people bought the vouchers, some gave cash, some gave euros, some other vouchers such as debenhams and some gave nothing. All fine.

2 people gave us ornamental gifts that were things we would have out in the house.

Personally I would rather get them something they wanted . . .

PossumPoo · 18/01/2015 13:31

I don't know what the big deal is. With so much tat filling land-fill why would you deliberately buy them something they dont want or need.

If you feel someone is being 'grabby' why the fuck would you bother to go to their wedding. You obviously don't like them?

Is it really such a fucking trauma to give someone something they actually want?!

KoalaDownUnder · 18/01/2015 13:32

What expat said.

You're not 'selfish' to give someone the gift you want to give them. You're not there to fill their order.

Original poster

chicaguapa · 18/01/2015 13:32

When I say not close, I mean that I'm not privy to all the details of their wedding or have been involved in any planning or preparations. Whether I'm going to the wedding is another thing as I might not be.

I just feel that I don't want our gift to be swallowed in a sea of money and that it's hardly going to be the difference between them going on a honeymoon or not.

I might speak to her and ask if there's something specific (of her choice)we can get her instead, maybe a nice suitcase to take on the honeymoon.

OP posts:

Perfectlypurple · 18/01/2015 13:33

I don't mind giving cash at a wedding, we all know the majority of people want to give a gift, and if there isn't anything the couple need then I don't mind giving money. I do hate the wanky poems though, as it just smacks of people trying to disguise they are after cash. I recently went to my oldest friends wedding. They put a little note in the invitations with hotel details, parking details and a line or 2 saying there is nothing they need but if anyone wanted to give something as a gesture as,all amount towards their honeymoon would be appreciated.

ZanyMobster · 18/01/2015 13:33

BTW we were absolutely happy about those who didn't get anything, we really didn't mind at all, lots just gave a tenner which we thought was lovely. I just can't see it is worth all the fuss on MN, I have never actually met anyone in real life who has ever been concerned about this.

FightOrFlight · 18/01/2015 13:33

Hang on, what's happening here the majority of people agreeing that you should give them what they have actually asked for.

I expect the Etiquette Brigade are still perusing Debretts and will be here soon.

expatinscotland · 18/01/2015 13:35

You're right, Possum, I wouldn't go. I'd just make up an excuse.

PetulaGordino · 18/01/2015 13:36

what is the etiquette brigade?

TheXxed · 18/01/2015 13:36

I am with expats on this one. Its grabby in the extreme. Wedding gifts started out as a way of helping young couples who had to furnish a home.

I don't like that people expect a gift.

fishinabarrell · 18/01/2015 13:39

Speak to her and ask if you could get her a gift. Tell her you'd like something tangible to give her for her to have as a memory even if it's something functional like a toaster or knives but if she says no then I'd respect her decision and get her money.

I'd always rather get someone what they want then something they'll re-gift or get rid of that's why I always ask for some ideas for birthdays/weddings etc. Asking for ideas means I get a few different ones and I've given vouchers before when some ideas are too expensive to put towards that present.

ZanyMobster · 18/01/2015 13:40

In my whole circle of friends I have never ever met someone who expects a gift, i must just know nice people, also we have always wanted to get a gift for our friends who are getting married and no one has ever demanded one, makes it easier to have suggestions from them though.

Original poster

chicaguapa · 18/01/2015 13:41

I don't mind getting a gift as she's my Dsis and would have anyway, even if I don't go (for other reasons unrelated to Dsis). I just didn't want to give some money that will unlikely be paying for unforgettable once in a lifetime experience. If it was the difference between going or not going it's a different matter but they go on holiday every year, so it's not that.

But I'll speak to her and won't get her something she doesn't want.

OP posts:

FightOrFlight · 18/01/2015 13:43

Petula I've seen lots of people on these sort of threads getting all tutty and saying it simply isn't etiquette to want something useful cash instead of numerous toasters and photo frames.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 18/01/2015 13:43

I'm with Expat, buy a bottle and ignore the request. If she wants a honeymoon then let her pay for one.

We don't attend weddings that charge an entry fee, which is what it amounts to.

ZanyMobster · 18/01/2015 13:46

How is it charging an entrance fee, no one has to give anything surely, many weddings cost £50-100 PH just for the food/wine so I can't imagine many people expecting others to spend that much on a gift. We would only spend that much on immediate family TBH.

FightOrFlight · 18/01/2015 13:46

Oh yes, I forgot the 'entry fee' comments, as if giving someone £20 is going to cover the food and drink they consume.

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