Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When you don't want to give money towards a honeymoon? (wedding related)

239 replies

chicaguapa · 18/01/2015 13:22

I know there are loads of thread about this already but is it now considered (by the MN jury) to be selfish to buy a gift when the b&g have specifically asked for money towards their honeymoon?

My sis is getting married in the spring and I have received a cash poem on the invitation. We're not close so I've no idea where they're planning on going for their honeymoon or why they can't afford one.

I hate giving money as presents and particularly don't want to for a holiday unless it's an improving one. But should it matter where they're going? Where is the line between the wishes of the giver and the recipient?

OP posts:
Perfectlypurple · 18/01/2015 14:14

Wow expat. I didn't remember the exact details of something I read on the Internet. No need to be so rude. And I said i think not that it is definite.

AntsMarching · 18/01/2015 14:16

expat I am American and was always taught a rule of thumb for how much you spend on a wedding gift is to spend the amount it costs to feed you, hence 'cover your plate'. I was also taught that it's rude in the extreme to pull someone up on the amount they spend/give though.

I get your frustration though, I often feel like Americans get pulled apart on here for all the ills of the world.

Perfectlypurple · 18/01/2015 14:17

FFS. I have nothing against Americans. I simply didn't remember exact details.

balia · 18/01/2015 14:20

Some close friends of mine asked for money for their honeymoon - they paid for the honeymoon themselves and used the present money for an experience when they were there that they wouldn't otherwise have been able to afford. They sent us all pics of them doing it, I thought it was lovely, and much more special than a toaster or whatever.

DH and I chose 2 charities that meant a lot to us because of personal circumstances and asked people to donate rather than buy gifts - people seemed to find that equally hard to get their heads round.

expatinscotland · 18/01/2015 14:20

I am American and have always been provided with a gift list and never heard of a rule of thumb of covering your plate. The couple who got the basket were not American, though, they were Canadian.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 18/01/2015 14:23

Give them the money. Or nothing.
Its precious to worry about your gift being swallowed by the rest of the donations.
I honestly cannot understnad why anyone attendin a wedding would go "off piste" cash is so easy. Why do so many people want to withold something the B&G want and at the same time burden them with an unwanted item?
Baffling.

Kab13 · 18/01/2015 14:26

Who's paying for the wedding OP?

Perfectlypurple · 18/01/2015 14:26

Oh and at no point did I sayamerican must mean tacky or that I thought the cover your plate thing was tacky

fredfredgeorgejnr · 18/01/2015 14:27

Of course it's selfish to give a gift when you've been asked not to. What else is it? Either give the cash, or give nothing, you choice, but to ignore the request is selfish.

I'm completely flabbergasted by the idea of giving an excursion on the honeymoon, that is a massive obligation to give and is entirely selfish. "darling, how about this for today - let's lie on the beach for a bit recovering from the nights shagging and then have a nice siesta with some more shagging, and then eat and drink the lovely food on room service?" "No, dear, we're going on Dear Sis's visit to the local nunnery where they make 13 different types of marmalades, it's very improving..."

Laquitar · 18/01/2015 14:28

ILovePud
i too want to know what an 'improving' holiday is!

OP does it make difference to you if it is Spain or Italy? Or Florida?

expatinscotland · 18/01/2015 14:34

If it's one of those poems along the lines of, we have everything we need, your presence is our present, but give us money, then you are well within rights to give her a card. After all, they gave you the option.

LosingTheWillToSkate · 18/01/2015 14:38

We didn't specify anything for our wedding, and pretty much everyone gave us money.

We spent a pretty big chunk of it on tickets to a heavyweight title fight when we were in Vegas. Very frivolous, but we had an amazing time and will always cherish those memories.

Don't assume that your money will go to something pointless and get lost in a sea of others.

zipzap · 18/01/2015 14:39

The times I've come across people giving excursions it's been for ones they wanted rather than random things that you've picked for them -so not an imposition. Then they've been able to say we climbed the Eiffel tower thanks to Fred, swam with dolphins thanks to Ann etc and send the appropriate picture to those involved.

And newyear I'd wrap a brick up for your sis to help her get started with her house Grin

PrettyPenguin · 18/01/2015 14:40

When we got married we said that we didn't want any gifts, as we'd lived together for 8 years prior to the marriage and so had all the household stuff we needed. We asked that if people felt they absolutely had to get us something (but stressed that they really didn't have to because we just wanted them there to share our special day not to buy us stuff) then to perhaps contact our tour operator that we'd arranged our honeymoon with and perhaps donate a voucher towards the balance.

We ended up with quite a lot of vouchers, some cash, some personal presents, bottles of fizz and a few of our local friends teamed up to get us a voucher for lunch at a nearby restaurant in the hills, and a little walking book for the area (we particularly liked that gift). Some people made us things and some people didn't get us anything other than a card. More important to us was that people came to help us celebrate and spend time with us. We had an amazing wedding day and lots of people said they'd really enjoyed it. That meant much more to us than gifts.

marshmallowpies · 18/01/2015 14:45

The idea of buying something they could use on holiday or an 'experience' they could have there is a lovely one, if you can agree something with her that she'd really like.

I'm definitely in the camp of 'give people what they want'. My oldest friend married young and had a horrid divorce before she was 30. By the time she re married she'd rebuilt her life and career, worked harder than anyone I know, lived in a tiny studio apartment and lived with lifelong health issues.

I didn't begrudge for a minute helping her have a holiday of a lifetime she'd never otherwise have afforded.i always give this example when people talk about requests for money as 'grabby' and 'entitled' - couldn't be further from the truth in her case.

The poems are cheesy, though, I will say that.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 18/01/2015 14:47

zipzap yes getting an excursion gift that's specifically asked for is fine :) thankfully I've not heard of a random excursion being given, but that's how I read the suggestion here.

ChaiseLounger · 18/01/2015 14:51

glad I don't have a sister. like you.

expatinscotland · 18/01/2015 14:53

Lol @ 'wrap up a brick'. Get her a hamper - a laundry basket full of cleaning supplies from Poundland, new.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 18/01/2015 14:53

I wouldn't have a problem giving a cash gift.

I would even suggest the couple set up a PayPal account so people can just transfer the amount into that account.

Newyearnewoutlook · 18/01/2015 14:55

Now I'm torn between a brick and a cleaning hamper for dsis! Brilliant ideas !

KitKat1985 · 18/01/2015 14:56

YABU. I honestly find it strange that you would rather give the B&G something they probably don't want than money towards something they do. If you don't want to give money then don't, but buying a gift just to prove a point is rather mean.

Also what is an 'improving holiday'? Is it really a crime if the B&G just want some time in the sun? Are people really not allowed to just relax rather than always be doing something educational or cultural?

And yes we are one of those annoying couples who, when asked, said we would rather have cash towards a honeymoon than gifts (we already lived together, there was nothing we needed). Some people gave gifts instead. All genuinely appreciated but we honestly didn't need more wine glasses....

BluebellBean · 18/01/2015 15:01

My niece has a great wedding. Hired an entire terrace of holiday homes in the lakes with huge shared garden. Put up a marquee, bouncy castle, hog roast, ice cream stall etc. Stocked a bar, but asked folk to bring whatever they like to drink to top it up.

It was brilliant. The best wedding IVE ever been to. A real "come and share our happy day with us" feel.

iseenodust · 18/01/2015 15:01

^but if she says no then I'd respect her decision and get her money^

but it's not the bride's decision. It is up to the gift giver to decide if/what gift. As OP isn't keen to give cash then I would say don't. Give a bottle, a plant for the garden, it doesn't have to be landfill.

Thumbwitch · 18/01/2015 15:06

FightOrFlight Sun 18-Jan-15 13:25:07
Just buy them a useless fish-slice. That'll show 'em.

I'd LOVE it if someone bought me a fish slice! Although I already have 2, so I don't really need another one Wink

If you're not comfortable giving a cash gift, then don't. If you don't mind giving vouchers instead, then do that. If you don't want them to know how much you're spending on them, then get them something else - a cocktail shaker, or something they'd probably never buy for themselves. If you don't even know what she'd like, then remember that you don't even have to give a gift if you don't want to.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 18/01/2015 15:06

What I think I'm thinking of doing (having been to a fair few weddings recently, and had quite a few discussions about this) is to just have a 'best' dinner service as my list - so plenty of choice of prices for people, but all of it would be equally useful!

People wouldn't get het up about being asked for money, but at the same time it would hopefully avoid too many toasters.

One of my mum's favourite wedding presents was a cranberry sauce spoon (no, she didn't ask for it!) so buying off list can be good if it's something they'd never think to buy for themselves (but you know they'd like).

Swipe left for the next trending thread