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AIBU?

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Original poster

When you don't want to give money towards a honeymoon? (wedding related)

239 replies

chicaguapa · 18/01/2015 13:22

I know there are loads of thread about this already but is it now considered (by the MN jury) to be selfish to buy a gift when the b&g have specifically asked for money towards their honeymoon?

My sis is getting married in the spring and I have received a cash poem on the invitation. We're not close so I've no idea where they're planning on going for their honeymoon or why they can't afford one.

I hate giving money as presents and particularly don't want to for a holiday unless it's an improving one. But should it matter where they're going? Where is the line between the wishes of the giver and the recipient?

OP posts:
SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 18/01/2015 15:10

Bluebell, that sounds lovely. I much prefer weddings where it's about the actual vows and marriage rather than the brides big day and money recapping scheme.

We had friends that recently got married and I asked the parents if there was a wedding list as thankfully nothing mentioned in the events. The bride had told them to respond saying no gifts were needed whatsoever as they already lived together but that they would like lots of informal pictures from the day so would be thrilled to receive any.

We teach our children not to expect gifts or to specify what they should be but something happens to most brides once the engagement ring is firmly on.

fishinabarrell · 18/01/2015 15:10

iseenodust I don't agree. I've seen it more than a few times on mumsnet people say how rude it is when someone asks what gift is wanted and someone gets something else. Why ask? Just get what you want, make it your decision rather then a point.

crje · 18/01/2015 15:12

If you don't want to do it their way then don't go.

Jengnr · 18/01/2015 15:12

Why why why would you deliberately buy them something they don't want as opposed to contributing towards something they do? It's insane.

I never get why people get all upset on here about people asking for contributions towards a honeymoon. It's not a requirement but it will help them and not fill their house up with shite. Makes sense to me.

Thumbwitch · 18/01/2015 15:19

Newyear - I wouldn't bother getting her anything other than a card saying that you hope she finds the gift from you as useful as you found the gift from her. (PA but sod it)

Stinkle · 18/01/2015 15:20

I have no problem giving money as a gift. I actually prefer it to be honest. A million times easier.

I don't see the point of giving someone something they don't want. Seems a bit cutting your off nose to spite your face to me.

We didn't ask for gifts when we got married, but constantly got badgered about it. So we did a small list with items ranging from £1, then only gave it to people who asked for it. A few guests still thought this was grabby and decided to buy their own thing. Fine, but without exception, those gifts have spent the last 13 years in the loft. Complete waste of money.

I don't find it rude in the slightest

KoalaDownUnder · 18/01/2015 15:24

If you don't want to do it their way then don't go.

Wow. Is this really what weddings have been reduced to?

That's appalling.

Bowlersarm · 18/01/2015 15:28

Just give them what they've asked for, and would like.

It's really very simple.

sausageandorangepickle · 18/01/2015 15:29

For friends weddings we usually buy champagne. Depending how close we are/how skint we are, it could be a case towards the reception, or a bottle for later. Some friends who honeymooned in the UK took theirs with them and drank it on the beach with fish and chips. Others saved it for an anniversary, looking through their photos etc etc. It is not cash, but equally will not be cluttering up their house for ever! Win Win!

SoupDragon · 18/01/2015 15:38

I don't understand the angst about cash gifts. Just give the amount you would have spent on a physical gift and stop trying to decide what the B&G should have (in your opinion) rather than what they wish to have.

You may not like it but equally, you might not like their taste in gifts on a traditional list either.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 18/01/2015 15:50

Madness.
Why the buggery bollocks would anyone feel "uncomfortable" givng money?
Really?

Viviennemary · 18/01/2015 15:50

It is bad that this asking for money is now almost the shameless norm. I'd just give a smaller amount that I intended to spend on a gift. Say half or less. But I would rather not attend a wedding that asked for money in an invitation but I might if I especially liked the person but otherwise it would put me off going.

Greencurtain · 18/01/2015 15:51

If you don't want to comply with their wishes you don't have to attend the wedding.

Alternatively you can attend without a present, but this is bad manners.

I do think that buying a gift for someone who has asked for cash can only go badly. In their position, they might (quite reasonably IMO) eBay unwanted items. How would you feel then?

Cash requests are pretty normal these days. They are the most practical. I received an invite last week asking for cash - no specific purpose, just for "a rainy day".

I got married well over a decade ago and I think in those days it wasn't really the done thing to ask for cash. It does seem to be nowadays.

I'm also interested in how you would choose a thoughtful and appropriate gift for someone you said you weren't close to. Wouldn't money be easier for you?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 18/01/2015 15:55

I find it utterly shocking that a request for money as a gift would put you off going to a wedding.

Lweji · 18/01/2015 15:55

You can do both.
Buy something you are convinced they will love and will be reminded as your present, and give the rest in cash if there is some left over from what you think you should spend on her.

Amummyatlast · 18/01/2015 15:56

We didn't have a gift list, but when people asked, we said cash as we were renting a fully furnished flat and already had things like toasters, etc. Some relatives gave gifts instead, which is fine, but we never actually used the gifts (for example crystal glasses, which will never be used because a) i don't drink and b) I'm incredibly clumsy and am likely to break them). The cash, however, get spent a few months later in Ikea, when we moved to a non-furnished house and had to buy sofas, beds, etc., some of which is still being used today.

ilovesooty · 18/01/2015 15:56

fred I don't see the need for the sarcasm about my excursion suggestion. I did of course mean an excursion or experience that the couple wanted to go on and agreed with them as something they'd appreciate.
You've simply very rudely read into the suggestion something that wasn't there.

Only1scoop · 18/01/2015 15:59

I always give local currency for where they are mooning....

Not useful for you If they haven't told you.

ilovesooty · 18/01/2015 16:00

And thanks zipzap that's exactly what I meant.

ChaiseLounger · 18/01/2015 16:03

What do you think happens to all these gifts that people insist on giving when the person doesn't want it? Cupboard or eBay?

Why would you give a gift? Any gift on any occasion. Unless you've thought about the person , what they like, and bought with love and thought?

If it's not the above then it's just spite on your part.

You're not close? You don't want to give money? then don't give. Better still, don't go.

Lweji · 18/01/2015 16:06

I always give local currency for where they are mooning

I need to wash my mind of that image now.

Do they go on honey moon to moon people?

Only1scoop · 18/01/2015 16:08

Blush I've not even an excuse for that....

I shouldn't be lazy and take such shortcuts

TheRealAmandaClarke · 18/01/2015 16:14

We didnt have a wedding list. I really wanted ppl not to feel any pressure. I thought ppl could just bring no gift or a gift of their choosing and it would be fine. Inwas worried about appearing to be "grabby"
But lots of guests asked what we wanted.
Most gave cash or voichers for Jl or similar.
And we received some criticism for not providing a list because some ppl felt strongly that nobody wants to give an unwanted gift.
I guess they were wrong eh. Grin

ScrambledEggAndToast · 18/01/2015 16:16

I prefer it when people ask for money as it's so easy. Step 1. Go to cash machine. Step 2. Place cash in card. Easy Grin

nottheOP · 18/01/2015 16:23

If you're anti cash for a holiday then do a voucher. I found b&q was good to receive actually but any big department store would suit.

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