When you don't want to give money towards a honeymoon? (wedding related)

[chicaguapa]

I know there are loads of thread about this already but is it now considered (by the MN jury) to be selfish to buy a gift when the b&g have specifically asked for money towards their honeymoon?

My sis is getting married in the spring and I have received a cash poem on the invitation. We're not close so I've no idea where they're planning on going for their honeymoon or why they can't afford one.

I hate giving money as presents and particularly don't want to for a holiday unless it's an improving one. But should it matter where they're going? Where is the line between the wishes of the giver and the recipient?

It certainly isn't anything to get annoyed about.

I hope that's not directed at me because I haven't said I'm annoyed.

Or that I don't want to give a gift. Or not show how much I've given. Or give them something they don't want. Or that I don't wish them well on their wedding.

I would like to give something tangible as I don't like giving cash as a gift. My money, my gift, my preference.

I want to put some effort into my Dsis's wedding present and not just write a cheque and stick it in a card. So I'll speak to her and see if I can get her an actual item she wants instead, something special.

I really don't understand why people take issue with this.

Most people live together now and have everything that in years gone by would have been bought as wedding presents.

I'd class a honeymoon as an improving one too. DH taught me quite a lot !

Then put some thought into it and get her something she wants

Oh wait! She wants money towards a honeymoon.

my money my gift my preference
Just buy whatever you think is suitable. Its her wedding so you should get her something you think she should have.

This is so infuriating.

And I don't understand why people have difficulty with 'wait to be asked what you'd like'. What is there to understand. You wait to be asked what you'd like. You do not state it in the invitation.

Guest: "what would you like for a wedding gift?"
Btb: "we have a lot of stuff so money towards [whatever] would be nice"
Guest: "no. I dont do money gifts. Please choose something within my budget that I deem a suitable gift."

Ffs. Why dont guests submit a fucking gift list?

Im going to put that to JL actually. A "guest- gift list"
Each guest registers with the store a shortlist of items they would like the B&G to receive. Then the B&G get to pick from the approved list.

"People want and like to give gifts."

This is why it's selfish to give gifts if you've been asked not to, because it's about what YOU want to do, not what the receiver wants. Just because something costs time and effort doesn't make it an unselfish act.

If they say "nothing please, but you could give cash", then respect it, don't be selfish and either ignore, or pester them for some other idea. They've told you already.

What's it matter to you, Thursday, you want other people's cash, you see no problem touting for it so will go and do it anyway.

'No gifts, please.'

'Oh, but we want to get you something.'

'No, thank you, really, we have all we need.'

They still buy you something, return it.

I would give a card.

touting for it

Why, oh why would you rather buy some shit that would be returned, or to gove nothing, than to give money?
That makes no sense whatsoever.
How ridiculously small minded

Find out where they're planning on going for the honeymoon and buy them tickets for some two-day 'improving' course/trip/hike

'But it's your honeymoon. You can't be lazing around on the beach all day. This is serious stuff: learning how to live as husband and wife can't start soon enough. You need to learn how to overcome adversary together, and the Heavy-Pack Two-Day Super Hike To Doom Point is a highly recommended experience.'

'No gifts, please. Your presence is our present.'

Okay then.

'We want money.'

Decline invite.

Not small minded.
More.... "Up yourself" or judgemental I suppose.

Or tacky and grabby, in other opinions.

Ok

Haven't read the whole thread, so not sure if this has been suggested but could you perhaps pay for them to do something nice on their honeymoon instead? A meal out, or an excursion?

My money, my gift, my preference

Gosh why didn't I apply this to my friend's birthday gift recently (taking her out/paying for a meal).

When she ordered a chicken korma, plain rice and keema naan I should have told the waiter that she was going to damn well have lamb pasanda, onion bhajis and some poppadoms. After all, my money, my gift, my preference.

Feel I have to repeat myself, I cannot bear to hear the word 'grabby' again.

Oldest dearest friend known since playgroup
Awful first husband cheated on her and walked out after 2 years
Lifelong medical condition and on permanent medication after many operations
Remarried in her mid 30s having worked her arse off buying own flat after divorce settlement, not had many holidays to speak of in that time. Already owned everything she needed with new husband.

Who would not begrudge someone who'd been through an experience like that the chance to have a holiday she never could have afforded otherwise? You'd have to have a pretty hard heart not to think she deserved that opportunity.

flightorfight

who would begrudge?
Well, look no further than a few posts back marshmallowpies
Astounding.

It is a lot easier in Ireland virtually everyone gives money. I do remember one of those 'we have everything just flash the cash' poems in an invite where the bride was English and the extremely foolish groom was Irish. It was the only wedding I have been to where a lot of the Irish guests gave presents instead if money. Even though they typically give money they were highly offended when it was demanded of them. I felt sorry for the bride because the groom should have known well to not ask.

Oops - yes it's been suggested, ignore me!

Interesting anothernumberone - I did first encounter the money-as-gift thing at an Irish wedding 10 years ago, I didn't realise it was the norm there as it was the only Irish wedding I've been to. Since then obviously it's become much more common here anyway and I've never had a problem with it.

But...but...but...
People DONT say 'okay then' when I say no gifts expat

They say, well we'd really like to get you something, are you sure there's nothing you'd like, not even money etc etc

My point is that Im NOT touting for money. It's going to cost some people a fair bit to come. I really don't want them to spend any more. I have no idea how to stop them!