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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When you don't want to give money towards a honeymoon? (wedding related)

239 replies

chicaguapa · 18/01/2015 13:22

I know there are loads of thread about this already but is it now considered (by the MN jury) to be selfish to buy a gift when the b&g have specifically asked for money towards their honeymoon?

My sis is getting married in the spring and I have received a cash poem on the invitation. We're not close so I've no idea where they're planning on going for their honeymoon or why they can't afford one.

I hate giving money as presents and particularly don't want to for a holiday unless it's an improving one. But should it matter where they're going? Where is the line between the wishes of the giver and the recipient?

OP posts:

TheRealAmandaClarke · 18/01/2015 16:23

I think the "line between" the wishes of the giver and recipient is an interesting concept.
My rules and those of any sane individual are
Spend what you can afford
Give them something they want

The only situation i can envisage being more complicated is if someone was requesting a gift that was out of my "approval zone"
So, for example, if a friend asked for money to pay to fuck a prostitute, or pay for internet bride, or to make a bomb....

Call me fussy....

derenstar · 18/01/2015 16:33

I think this is the first thread on mumsnet about this topic where the chorus of give them the money has overshadowed the grabby comments. I think if you're special enough to be invited to someone's wedding you should like them enough to want to make them happy or simply just not go. It's an 'invitation' not a summons and the request for money towards their honeymoon is just that, a 'request' not a demand. If I like someone and they asked me for something I normally give it to them if I can. To deliberately choose not to when you are clearly able to or worse get them something else just to prove a point is just out and out mean. A honeymoon is a once in lifetime experience for many people, I don't see anything wrong with asking for donations towards it.

We didn't mention any gifts on our invites but I come from a culture where money money gifts are the norm. My husband does not, my in laws thought it very odd that we didn't have a list. My MIL actually took me to John Lewis and 'explained' the wedding list system to me. I smiled and acted vague but was killing myself laughing inside.

Most people gave us money or vouchers,we also got several bottles of champers but we don't drink and we actually got 3 toasters, three of them! One was a tesco value one which I'm not sure was entirely safe. I think it was meant as a joke pressie as the person also got us some Argos vouchers too. What is it with the toaster thing??

ChocLover2015 · 18/01/2015 16:58

I have never been to a wedding where the couple have asked for money, but i don't think I would mind.It is so much easier than having to go , choose and wrap a present.I like easy, so it would get the thumbs up from me

Original poster

chicaguapa · 18/01/2015 17:03

An 'improving holiday' was tongue in cheek but I'm less keen to pay towards a pool/ beach holiday when they have one every year anyway. It seem different to using the wedding money to top up the budget and afford a one-off unforgettable holiday somewhere. (btw I checked with SIL and they don't know where they're going yet.)

I'm not sure where I've said I'd buy them something they don't want which will end up on eBay or in landfill. I have said that I'll speak to her and explain that I'd like to buy something tangible and see if there's anything suitable. I'd like to buy them some luggage for their honeymoon but she may say that it would be a waste as they're happy with the suitcases they've already got. So then I won't buy luggage, of course.

My question was where's the line between how I'd like to make a gift and how the recipient would like it? If I have to respect the bride's wishes about what form the gift should take, should there not be some reciprocal respect for my wishes about not wanting to give money?

OP posts:

RedButtonhole · 18/01/2015 17:06

Personally I don't really like the money poems, but I also don't see the point in buying a couple gifts that they really don't need.

If you'd really prefer not to give cash, what about paying for a decent sized print and framing of one of their honeymoon photographs? I had something similar as a gift once (not for wedding) and it was lovely- people never get round to printing off and framing digital prints now.

clearingaspaceforthecat · 18/01/2015 17:14

What is so difficult about getting her something she wants with good grace and waving her off on her honeymoon with a smile and good wishes?
How would it feel to just wish her well? And no, there should not be reciprocal respect for your wishes - it is her wedding - she can not consider everyone else's potential bugbears!

Original poster

chicaguapa · 18/01/2015 17:23

And no, there should not be reciprocal respect for your wishes - it is her wedding - she can not consider everyone else's potential bugbears!

But it's my money and surely if I'm expected to give it to someone else, my wishes should also be respected?

OP posts:

Sendo · 18/01/2015 17:32

What is the bid deal with gifting cash if you were going to spend the exact amount of money anyway for a present? It's your sister - it would only bu if she demanded a specific amount. Why don't you just tell her that you would like to gift her a unique holiday experience within a certain budget so that she could think about it and let you know what she would like. It's hardly rocket science!

marshmallowpies · 18/01/2015 17:32

In terms of 'drawing the line' between her wishes and yours, the only compromise I can think of is donate a sensible but not extravagant amount to the holiday fund AND say 'I'd really like to give you something too' and then buy a framed photo or some other momento as others have suggested.

I can understand the sentiment of wanting to buy something tangible but in my experience it's usually not family members who have the biggest issue with this: at our wedding we asked for charity donations but it was friends of PILs and people not even coming to the wedding who said 'we want to buy a gift' and we ended up setting up a gift list after saying we wouldn't do one. Gah!

PrettyPenguin · 18/01/2015 17:42

I'm intrigued about all this mention of poems. I've not come across it before (most of my friends got married around the same time, 8 or 9 years ago) - is it something that gets included in an invitation, just asking for money??

I've now got something in my head along the lines of:

Please come to our wedding
It's not big or flash
We don't want crap presents
So please give us cash!

Or are the poems a little more subtle than that?

crje · 18/01/2015 17:48

The op isn't close to her sister.
Isn't looking to be sentimental about a gift just awkward.

Guestzilla !!!

LaLa5 · 18/01/2015 17:55

We had a flat we had lovingly done up and furnished and didn't need 'stuff' as we had everything we needed. But we'd never been on holiday on 5 years together because we hadn't been able to afford it, so desperately wanted a honeymoon. That's why we asked people if they could contribute if they wanted to buy us a present. It wasn't being 'grabby', it was what we desperately wanted, more than a toaster or food processor.

We did get physical presents - some lovely tea towels, a picture and a bottle if champagne. We were delighted with these and it was nice to have something to open after the wedding.

Worksallhours · 18/01/2015 17:57

I find the wedding list/gift thing to be really weird. Is it only a UK/USA thing?

In both my DH's (Middle-Eastern) and my mother's (Euro-Asian) culture, wedding guests give money or livestock. If they are an honoured guest (close family or some sort of community elder), they might give land or a position in a business. Household goods are primarily seen as trousseau items to be supplied by the bride herself. You might get some items gifted by a guest, but only if they were distinct or exotic in some way.

The size of a wedding gift in both cultures is a matter of prestige (and massive showing off) on the part of the giver. There is usually a kind of "presentation of the gifts" during the wedding, either a "money dance" (I refused to do this when I married DH) or a declaration of gift item.

Cue my DGF getting up, rather drunk, and shouting "I give grandaughter £500 for wedding so she can buy ...."

instant silence.

"... expensive German washing machine!"

(I love my family, but they are completely potty ).

maninawomansworld · 18/01/2015 18:00

The tradition of giving gifts such as toasters (or whatever) stems from when people did not live together before marriage and so had a home to set up.
Nowadays almost everyone lives together (some for quite a long time like myself and DW) before tying the knot so literally don't need anything!
I didnt want my wedding guests wasting their hard earned money on a load of duplicates for things I already have, what would be the point in that?

Either go to the wedding, give them a bit of money towards the honeymoon or whatever (doesn't have to be much, if you're a bit strapped then £10 or £20 is ample), or be a misery guts, stay at home and get over yourself.
It certainly isn't anything to get annoyed about.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 18/01/2015 18:23

I am more than happy to give money as a gift if that's what the couple want. We didn't make a list when we got married, never even entered my head to make one. We got some presents, some of which were lovely and were useful. But other things, not so much. They ended up in the loft for years until we had a clear out and a friend took it all to a car boot.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 18/01/2015 18:32

Maninawomansworld is right. Me and Dh lived together for several years so another toaster/dinner service set/biscuit tin wasn't what we needed or wanted.

When we were asked if we wanted anything we said no for the reasons I've said. Some folk were insistent. Fuck knows why! We said fine. If you feel that compelled then Money will be welcomed. If you don't want give that then really it's fine by us, Don't. But please just don't waste your cash buying us anything because you feel you have too.

They didn't listen and that's why we had a loft full of unwanted presents

expatinscotland · 18/01/2015 18:56

'Nowadays almost everyone lives together (some for quite a long time like myself and DW) before tying the knot so literally don't need anything!'

Then it goes to follow you don't need other peoples' money, either. If you don't need anything, then, 'No gifts, please' suffices.

ThursdayLast · 18/01/2015 19:06

But saying 'no gifts please' has been, in my very recent experience, roundly ignored.

I've never met anyone who begrudges the bride and groom a gift. People want and like to give gifts.

It's supposed to be a fucking celebration!

Original poster

chicaguapa · 18/01/2015 19:07

*The op isn't close to her sister.
Isn't looking to be sentimental about a gift just awkward.

Guestzilla !!!*

WTF! RTFT!

OP posts:

FightOrFlight · 18/01/2015 19:11

If you don't need anything, then, 'No gifts, please' suffices

Read back expat, that doesn't work. Some guests are very tenacious and will turn up with useless crap gifts anyway because it's actually all about them and their perceived generosity.

expatinscotland · 18/01/2015 19:11

That's their fault then, Thursday. It doesn't require a gift to be a celebration.

ThursdayLast · 18/01/2015 19:12

I really don't understand your reluctance to just give money OP.

No matter if they can afford a holiday regardless, donating towards a honeymoon is helping towards a financially stress free experience for them.
I feel like you don't want them to have a nice time

expatinscotland · 18/01/2015 19:12

'Some guests are very tenacious and will turn up with useless crap gifts anyway because it's actually all about them and their perceived generosity.'

Be just as tenacious back. 'NO GIFTS, please!' But I guess touting for cash is easier.

fishinabarrell · 18/01/2015 19:14

Yeah no gifts doesn't work. We see people saying about putting no gifts on their kids invite for birthdays and yet people turn up with them and you see parents asking here if they should say 'no gifts' only to be told by 95% of people 'we'd want to buy your DC something'. Most guests be it birthday, Christmas or wedding would want to get something- however big or small.

Personally I think my friend's way was best, nothing in the invite and a small note on her website in a gifts tab that if she and her husband to be didn't need anything but if a gift really wanted to be brought a nice bubbly or money would be appreciated. They still got some unwanted gifts in their loft but mainly money and a years supply of booze. No one was offended because if people wanted to have an idea they could go to the webpage and see.

ThursdayLast · 18/01/2015 19:16

So as the bride expat what do you suggest I do?
Shall I offend all my guests by saying 'why don't you just listen to me, I said no sodding gifts'.
What if they don't even ask just assume that we might gracefully accept what they choose to give us ? Do I return???

I really don't think wedding gifts are quite the battlefield some people make out.

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