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Original poster

When you don't want to give money towards a honeymoon? (wedding related)

239 replies

chicaguapa · 18/01/2015 13:22

I know there are loads of thread about this already but is it now considered (by the MN jury) to be selfish to buy a gift when the b&g have specifically asked for money towards their honeymoon?

My sis is getting married in the spring and I have received a cash poem on the invitation. We're not close so I've no idea where they're planning on going for their honeymoon or why they can't afford one.

I hate giving money as presents and particularly don't want to for a holiday unless it's an improving one. But should it matter where they're going? Where is the line between the wishes of the giver and the recipient?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 18/01/2015 13:47

I forgot the 'cover your plate' comments, give them £100.

PetulaGordino · 18/01/2015 13:48

i don't know anything about etiquette but i don't think it's especially polite to ask for cash (especially in a coy little poem), so perhaps i am part of the "etiquette brigade" myself. but i think it's ruder to try to educate someone through gifts, the more gracious thing is to give them what they ask for within your means

ZanyMobster · 18/01/2015 13:50

I had never heard about cover your plate until MN. If we are going to an evening do then its £10-20 depending on who it is, £30ish for a day time and £50+ for immediate family. I couldn't care less if it isn't good enough for anyone. Cover your plate would mean at least £100 for every wedding you attend as a couple - not a chance.

expatinscotland · 18/01/2015 13:50

Remember to ask for dosh because your guests are all so stupid they will buy you toasters and photo frames even though they know you've been living together, have more kids than the Radfords, have been married more times than Mickey Rooney and Liz Taylor put together. Give them £100. You might get a thank you text.

Better yet, buy them one of those post boxes or wishing well to collect all the coins.

FightOrFlight · 18/01/2015 13:51

Petula The EB say the will make a point of buying a gift just to make a point that it's 'not etiquette' to ask for something more useful.

If you do a silent judge and then give money or a voucher then that's different.

Perfectlypurple · 18/01/2015 13:52

I think in America they do the cover your plate thing. There was something on here a while ago about an article about an American bride who wrote to someone who gave her a gift basket for her wedding slating her and saying it is etiquette to cover the plate.

FightOrFlight · 18/01/2015 13:52

Hmm too many 'points' in my last lost but I'm sure you get the ... erm ... point I was trying to make Grin

ilovesooty · 18/01/2015 13:53

Could you find out where they're planning to go on honeymoon and buy a specific trip or excursion for them while they're there?

fishinabarrell · 18/01/2015 13:54

I don't think it's an entry fee when asked for cash though I despise poems, surely you wouldn't go to a party- especially if all day where catered for and given free alcohol- without taking something, surely that's bad etiquette for a guest to rock up without even a card or bottle? The difference is they've said what they'd like the gift to be.

In some countries and cultures there's a 'give lots of money' ideal. My close friend is Hindu and it's very much 'shower with money' from the guests and it's considered rude and a slight not to. In fact there's a lot of ways to offend in that kind of wedding, from the guests not giving enough, to the B&G not giving enough to guests for free (they give every guest a gift!) and it's expected, it's part of the culture. In some parts of Ireland it's very much cover your plate and the US too. Not all, but if it's part and parcel of your culture or community.

Only a very entitled B&G would feel that way where it's not a part of their culture. People give what they can and it's better to give what can be used then what won't be used, be it money vouchers or vino.

ZanyMobster · 18/01/2015 13:55

I actually do think some people are that stupid, my friend had a wedding list, loads of stuff for £5-15 and a few more expensive things for family to buy.

They still ended up with 3 toasters (there wasn't even a toaster on the list as they already had one they had been given) plus a couple of other doubles as people had bought things but not via the wedding list so it wasn't removed.

expatinscotland · 18/01/2015 13:55

Perfectly, NO, they do not. They usually do gift lists in the US. They also don't do two-tiered weddings/evening do's.

fishinabarrell · 18/01/2015 13:56

My favourite wedding gift was a Wowcher for my husband and I to have a massage in our local place. Apparently it's bad etiquette to give those kind of things but we loved it!

Newyearnewoutlook · 18/01/2015 13:57

My sister is trying this at her wedding. After getting me nothing for mine she has expected cash as a gift.

I've had great fun looking for something completely pointless and worthless as a present. Currently debating whether to get them personalised wooden spoons or attempting to make something 'crafty' myself.

expatinscotland · 18/01/2015 13:57

And that was not an American bride, Perfectly, it was a Canadian couple. Comes up all the time, though, if it's rude and tacky, it must be American.

fishinabarrell · 18/01/2015 13:58

Wasn't there a thread once about someone who'd ended up with a load of (possibly dodgy) toasters in a deal buy and planned to hand them out at parties and weddings despite knowing they weren't needed? Or was it the birthday girl who was confused at receiving it?

Trills · 18/01/2015 13:59

i would only go off-piste for someone i knew very well and was very close to, as then i would know exactly how well it would be received

I agree with Petula.

Buying a meaningful and lovely present for a sister you are close to, when you know she and her DH would love it, and they'd think of you when they saw it or used it, is a lovely and generous thing to do.

Buying something for a sister you are not close to, when you are not so sure whether it will be loved and appreciated, because you "don't like" to give money, is not so nice.

fishinabarrell · 18/01/2015 13:59

Newyearnewoutlook She got you nothing so just get her a card. She can't ask 'where's a gift' without it being highlighted that she gave nothing.

FightOrFlight · 18/01/2015 14:00

Remember to ask for dosh because your guests are all so stupid they will buy you toasters

Probably a good idea expat as someone has already suggested that the OP gets her DSis a toaster Grin

Newyearnewoutlook · 18/01/2015 14:02

I just feel the need to present them with a gift as they specifically stated no gifts please just donations toward a deposit for a house. It will of course be beautifully wrapped but be a piece of tat just so I can smirk at them (yes, iam bitter. Dsis tried to ruin my wedding)

FightOrFlight · 18/01/2015 14:03

^ Though to be fair I do think the toaster was just used as an example of a practical gift

As a PP said, some people actually do buy toasters like it's some kid of tradition for weddings.

ILovePud · 18/01/2015 14:04

What is an 'improving' holiday OP? In my mind I've taken that to mean that you'd give them money only if they were planning to spend their honeymoon building orphanages in the developing world, I could be misinterpreting wildly though. Wink

fishinabarrell · 18/01/2015 14:06

Newyearnewoutlook Why not just not go? Why let your day be ruined seieng hers go well and her so happy while silently gritting your teeth after she upset yours?

Hell if she loves it your point is completely fucked and even if she hates it she may well just say 'oh well Newyearnewoutlook's just an idiot' and miss the point completely!

Better not to go then engage in passive aggressive games which may well just hurt you and could put other, innocent, family members in the way. Besides rejecting an invite, especially a sibling, is a big rejection which will speak far greater in volume

HeyheyheyGoodbye · 18/01/2015 14:06

It's only on MN that I ever see people get upset about this. Yes the poem is twee and cringey, but in my culture it's the accepted thing to give cash, unless they specifically register somewhere. In fact registering is likely to raise more eyebrows. Maybe this is just one of those cultural things, idk.

Anyway OP, in your case, regardless of what the B&G have asked for, it's your right to give or not give whatever you see fit.

Branleuse · 18/01/2015 14:07

just give em £30 or something and be done with it. They get what they want, and you dont have to think about it. win/win.

With a bit of luck, you wont even have to go to the facking thing

TattyDevine · 18/01/2015 14:13

You just can't win. My mother threw me an engagement/going away forever party before I left my home country to go and get married and people were apparently driving her mad asking what they could get me. I tried very hard to just say "no gifts just come and see me off" because I was getting on a plane and hadn't really considered that people wanted to give gifts.

Fast forward to the wedding and my mum begged me to set up a wedding list so she wouldn't get the same requests, so I did one online so if people really wanted to give a gift they could do so easily from abroad. That was the main purpose of having the list, but when you already live together as many people do these days they are very useful for not duplicating items you already have and essentially wasting people's money (the thought is lovely of course)

In-laws insisted on boycotting the list and gave a gift that stayed in the box unfortunately as it just wasn't something we could use.

Not a problem for us but just why make a point about it? That's what they were doing and they may have well have burned £50. Their choice, but a bizarre one in my opinion.

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