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Original poster

When you don't want to give money towards a honeymoon? (wedding related)

239 replies

chicaguapa · 18/01/2015 13:22

I know there are loads of thread about this already but is it now considered (by the MN jury) to be selfish to buy a gift when the b&g have specifically asked for money towards their honeymoon?

My sis is getting married in the spring and I have received a cash poem on the invitation. We're not close so I've no idea where they're planning on going for their honeymoon or why they can't afford one.

I hate giving money as presents and particularly don't want to for a holiday unless it's an improving one. But should it matter where they're going? Where is the line between the wishes of the giver and the recipient?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 19/01/2015 09:20

Of course, fish, because naturally I am so ignorant of the UK. Nice try to save. Since NI is part of the UK, naturally, when someone says 'The UK' it means England, Wales, Scotland and NI, Ireland being another nation. But hey, nice try.

expatinscotland · 19/01/2015 09:21

LOL that I 'seemed confused'. My arse.

Willferrellisactuallykindahot · 19/01/2015 09:29

I don't get why putting in a gift list is ok, but asking for cash/vouchers isn't?

I do a agree that the 'your presence is our present' thing is a bit disingenuous, but its just realistic isn't it - you know people are going to want to get you a present so just be clear about the fact that you don't want/need lots of household good and that money or vouchers or whatever would be better. That's better that a) getting loads of things you don't want or b) getting 100 phone calls/requests about what you want?

If you really don't want any gifts, you can't put 'no gifts please' on the invite, because then the professionally offended brigade will berate you for 'presuming' that you would be receiving gifts in the first place.

I do draw the line at cheesy poems and account details on the invite (although I think the latter will be the norm in 20 years time).

fishinabarrell · 19/01/2015 09:36

Er no, you asked. Nice backtracking over the error though.

expatinscotland · 19/01/2015 09:45

Lol @ 'error'. Haven't encountered a single person who doesn't understand that the UK is England, Wales, Scotland and NI and Irleand is . . . Ireland.

fishinabarrell · 19/01/2015 09:52

Really? I have.

Stormingateacup · 19/01/2015 10:04

£50 John Lewis vouchers is my standard wedding gift, regardless of what they've asked for. Can't go wrong.

limitedperiodonly · 19/01/2015 12:12

Dh's achingly hip friend and his wife went off piste and bought us this.

I never used it because I buy orange juice in cartons, it needed constant polishing and was too big to fit in the cupboards so lived on the counter and got in the way until one day I thought: 'I'm chucking that fucking contraption out.'

It told me a lot about them: mostly that they thought the items on my list were far too pedestrian for them to buy and that I was in dire need of their style advice.

Cash would have been nice too.

laughingmyarseoff · 19/01/2015 12:21

limitedperiodonly Maybe I'm mean but I'd have sold it. Or would that caused lots of problems with your DH and friend?

frankbough · 19/01/2015 12:28

Why can't people just be happy for the bride and groom, cooperate with their wishes and just enjoy the day, instead of sniping and moaning or being deliberately obtuse..

limitedperiodonly · 19/01/2015 12:32

They used to come round to visit it but we lost touch. Perhaps they were distressed at seeing their style icon surrounded by my twee knick knacks.

I didn't think of selling it - ebay hadn't been invented. I gave it to a charity shop.

KitKat1985 · 19/01/2015 12:34

Why can't people just be happy for the bride and groom, cooperate with their wishes and just enjoy the day, instead of sniping and moaning or being deliberately obtuse..

^ THIS. I never understand why weddings inspire so much criticism from people. I honestly have always thought that the B&G seem to get criticized at weddings so matter what they do, and when I organised mine and DH's wedding a couple of years ago I learnt it for certain.

Branleuse · 19/01/2015 12:58

when i got married before, i think i made so many faux pas' that i had no idea about at the timr, its embarrassing in hindsight.
Seen so many threads on here though about people being furious about this or that to do with someone elses wedding. Feeling obliged to attend when they have no warm feelings towards the couple at all.
What is and what isn't bad form. Its so hard to keep up with.
If me and DP ever get married, Im definitely eloping.

musicalendorphins2 · 19/01/2015 13:03

I have no problem with giving money, or a present, I would be doing that if I were invited to a wedding anyways. Any mention of presents, gifts and registry gifts in the invitation just isn't seemly. It isn't polite to ask. That's all.

TedAndLola · 19/01/2015 13:06

I was a very naïve 21 year old when I got married, had only been to two weddings in my life, but I knew instinctively not to put ANYTHING about gifts or money in the invitation. It just felt wrong.

I've only had one wedding invitation where they asked for money, in one of those awful poems. I was very Shock but then I started seeing threads like this pop up on forums, and realised it was being a 'thing'. I didn't go to the wedding in the end. If someone I was really close to did it, I honestly don't know what I'd do. None of the choices (give money, ignore request and give item, go and give nothing, don't go and give nothing) would sit quite right with me.

TedAndLola · 19/01/2015 13:07

becoming a thing, not being.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/01/2015 13:23

I think everyone is over thinking a bit. (Which is ironic as I'm a massive over thinker.)

The way I see it is that if I like someone enough to spend my time, effort, energy and money on attending their wedding then I like them enough to want to give them whatever it is that they want. (Within budget of course!). If they want cash - I write a cheque. If they want something off a list - I go on line. If they want dead animal carcass - I go to a butchers. If they want "a meaningful gift" - I think "oh shit!" then start a thread on mumsnet on "what to get the couple who have everything".

If I don't like the couple I decline politely and probably send a lovely card and a small cheque. (It's only happened once - shame really - the wedding looked like it was going to be brilliant.)

Anything else is just making life harder for no reason. And life is hard enough.

writtenguarantee · 19/01/2015 14:09

Its grabby in the extreme. Wedding gifts started out as a way of helping young couples who had to furnish a home.

times have changed now though. People have so much stuff now they don't want another toaster, or crap they have nowhere to store.

The trouble is that many people, even if instructed not to give a present, give one anyway. So, while they may not be expecting any gift, why wouldn't you do get them something they want?

Seems odd to dig one's heels in on this issue.

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/01/2015 16:22

I love weddings. I love my friends. I really love it when my friends get married. If there's a list, I'll get them something off that, if there is no list I'll give them money that they can put towards their honeymoon or something else.

I've never judged anyone for including a list (it saves all the calls from guests later). I've never begrudged giving money either to the B&G or their nominated charities. But then, as I said, I like the people who have invited me to celebrate their wedding with them. I'm not seeking excuses to not attend or reasons to judge them.

Aridane · 19/01/2015 16:27

The Guestzilla post - I love it!

TheRealAmandaClarke · 19/01/2015 18:41

Mmm, i do think that some of this angst might come from a dislike of the b&g. Or envy. Or sour grapes.
Not all of it, but some.

Only1scoop · 19/01/2015 18:43

I detected a tad....are you feeling in need of a holiday Op and you don't want to fund theirs Wink

mrsmootoo · 19/01/2015 18:52

We had this request and I ignored it and bought a lovely book (it was appropriate for the bride at least who was my friend and they were both getting married for the second time so did have all the household stuff). Glad I did that though as they split up after about five years, so at least she got to keep the book!

limitedperiodonly · 19/01/2015 19:00

I could do with a holiday and not an improving one.

It's January. Shall I do a divorce party in early March with a grabby request for money so I could fit something in Ibiza for early September?

laughingmyarseoff · 19/01/2015 19:01

I know someone who got the bride and groom some really hideous picture frames and candle holders. I think they were quite upset when the couple sold them but being completely fair to them they were really horrible and not the bride and grooms taste but the couple giving its. I think they were trying to educate them because they thought their taste was so so simple and minimal. Plus the couple buying had asked if they'd like a gift or cash and they'd said cash please.

So I suppose I'm saying that if you do give gifts and you know people haven't asked or wanted, don't get upset if they do get unused or sold. I like gifts but not everyone would.

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