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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to my younger sister?

214 replies

Blackout234 · 03/01/2015 11:56

My sister (16 years old) is 20 weeks pregnant, i'm also pregnant(19 weeks)she is having a boy. I'm having a girl. for the last two days work has been heaving (I'm a mobile hairdresser, earnings vary) and i've earned alot of money, So I decided to go out and get myself some second hand pieces of baby clothing and look for a cot (for myself), however when doing so I came across a huge bundle of items for £150, when I say huge I mean HUGE. I can't even list everything in it but the main things are 10x massive bags of baby boy clothes up to 18 months, A lovely mamas and papas cot, a swing, playmat, changing table and an Icandy travel system. I went out and bought it (and filled my estate car to the brim!) I went and gave it to my sister for her birthday (Which is today), I didn't wrap anything but spent an hour at my mums house(Where sis lives) before she got out of bed putting everything up nicely and putting some ribbons on the bigger items. Its not like I handed it to her in black bags.
She came downstairs and went straight to her other gifts on the table, fairenough. then when I showed her what i'd gotten she seemed so unbothered by it then said "Eh i'm not really fussed to be honest with you. thanks but no thanks" Aibu to think she could have been a bit nicer? she's kept the stuff but i went above and beyond for her to do something nice (Ontop of shelling out for GHD's for today for her) . Shes 16, no job and her only income is 30 a week EMA so she's been unable to afford anything so far, i thought i was doing a nice thing :(

OP posts:
drbonnieblossman · 04/01/2015 12:33

What you did OP was so kind. I'm not surprised it's upset you.

Your sister is in for a shock. She will come to realise fairly soon that the needs of her baby will outweigh her own wants.

Here you are, almost 20 years old, with by the sounds of it a very successful business of your own. It just highlights how those three years between you are massive in terms of maturity.

Just be careful that your sister doesn't see you as a cash cow "it's alright for you, you've got x,y,z". She will need to learn financial independence and you will fairly soon have someone financially dependent on you.

LingDiLong · 04/01/2015 12:35

Broken, why would it suggest that? It could mean any number of things! Perhaps once she'd got over the shock and surprise of all that baby stuff she was truly grateful and realised it would be handy. Perhaps she felt awful that she hadn't reacted as politely as she could have and is trying to make her sister feel better. It can't mean any of that though can it, she's a knocked up 16 year old so she must be a stupid selfish little spoilt brat by default.

wheresthelight · 04/01/2015 12:36

if a mil had done this and the sister had posted to ask if she wbu to be miffed then every one of you would be telling her to tell the mil to back off so why is it OK just because it's a sister who has taken over?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 04/01/2015 12:39

I think you did a really, really lovely thing for your sister.

I guess she's just 16.

In hindsight it might have been better to have just given her the GHD's on her actual birthday, made the day 'all about her' and given her the baby things later as she's probably/possibly struggling with accepting being pregnant/needing all this 'stuff'. However, it's easy to say that with hindsight. I'm twice your age and more (bugger) and if have done what you did too, without thinking about it.

You did a really kind, really lovely thing, I hope in a bit she realises that too.

To all the people saying 'She'll want to choose it herself'. Yep, get that. How the hell do you think she's going to buy any of it on £30pw?? She can 'want' all she likes, meanwhile back in reality, she needs to learn to be grateful for the massive, massive help she's just been given.

CocobearSqueeze · 04/01/2015 12:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

diddl · 04/01/2015 12:39

"Thanks but no thanks"?

I'd take it back.

i can see why she wouldn't want stuff that she hadn't even seen or wouldn't want it as a bday gift.

so, take it back & let her choose & pay for her own stuff.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 04/01/2015 12:42

Because
She
Can't
Afford
To
Buy
It
Herself

It was a one off opportunity to get a huge bundle of stuff for a good price. It's not like her sister paid full whack in the shops and the little sister could have chosen each item.

LingDiLong · 04/01/2015 12:44

Well here's a crazy thought with regards to her choosing her own stuff, if the OP wants to spend £150 on baby stuff, why not take the little sister with her and let her choose?

I let my 10 year old choose her own clothes. She has no money of her own and should be grateful to wear whatever I buy her, even if she doesn't like it though really shouldn't she?!

2015 · 04/01/2015 12:46

She was rude but I think it would have been better to consult her about it beforehand. Where will she store everything?

wheresthelight · 04/01/2015 12:47

ling apparently we are in the minority for thinking the op was out of line however nicely she meant the act to be

just because the girl is 16 does not give anyone the right to waltz all over her feelings and take away decisions that should be hers

brokenhearted55a · 04/01/2015 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueberryWafer · 04/01/2015 12:49

LingDiLong have you actually read the OP? The bundle was a one off bundle with loads and loads of stuff for £150. If she took her sister round the shops she wouldn't get 3 of the items in that bundle for £150, never mind the whole lot! All this nonsense about choosing the stuff herself, what utter crap. I would have been eternally grateful to anyone spending that amount of money on my baby, especially such a large bundle of stuff! I think the fact she was miffed just highlights her immaturity and she is in for one heck of a shock..

anotherdayanothersquabble · 04/01/2015 12:51

What you did was a very kind thing. Regardless of how she took it, you have got a very good deal and it was a huge chunk of your income to sacrifice.

Unfortunately, we cannot predict how other people will react or how they will interpret our actions.

Your sister is very young and is probably struggling with a host of emotions, many of which she may be struggling to understand and put into words for herself.

Give it time and perhaps you and your sister can become the support for each other you hope, but give her time and don't expect too much, we all come to motherhood in different ways.

Perhaps drop her a text and say you understand that she probably wanted her birthday to have been just for her, and you know she is still a person in her own right despite the existence of her baby and that you love her.

LingDiLong · 04/01/2015 12:52

For me it's not even about the OP being out of line necessarily but the fact that this 16 year old girl who's going through the upheaval of a teenage pregnancy is being absolutely torn to shreds on here. She's a selfish brat. She isn't responsible. She's going to make her mum buy everything. Really? Because she wasn't falling over with gratitude for a massive, massive gift that she didn't ask for and might not want?

needaholidaynow · 04/01/2015 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheresthelight · 04/01/2015 12:54

brokenhearted - so because she is only 16 her feelings and wants are irrelevant?? should we bring back mothers homes and pack her off until the baby has been born so no one has to deal with it?

ffs she is still allowed to be pissed off that someone has waltzed in and taken away key choices about HER baby regardless of her age and situation.

the op hasn't don't this for her sister she has done it so she can say "Ohhh aren't I lovely to my little sister and isn't she horrid for being ungrateful"

I guarantee that if the ops mil had waltzed in and done the same she wouldn't be quite so high and mighty about it

diddl · 04/01/2015 12:55

OP, had you mentioned at all before that you were looking out for stuff for her?

Do you think that she would have been pleased/interested if it hadn't been given on her birthday?

NickiFury · 04/01/2015 12:55

I agree wheresthelight.

I think that attitude that she should be grateful is hugely patronising and indicates she is thought of as nothing more than a feckless immature 16 year old who has foolishly got herself pregnant, a very old fashioned attitude. She will soon realise how it's going to be, becoming a mother tends to force you to grow up pretty rapidly. I have known some fantastic very young mothers.

No doubt there will be huge expectations on her to be a good mother and she will be subject to constant judgement and criticism, because let's face it, it's already started hasn't it?

OP you should have asked first, like you would anyone else, if you're going to expect to act as a mature and responsible parent then you need to treat her like one.

LingDiLong · 04/01/2015 12:55

Yes I have bloody well read it!! The OP 'chose' the bundle - there are many of these for sale on local sites, at NCT sales and on Ebay. Not to mention charity shops and cheap places like Ikea. It's not a case of expensive shop bought first hand stuff OR this one bundle that the OP has chosen for her.

The pram in the bundle sounds lovely but may not be as practical for the sister as a cheap umbrella fold from the local charity shop down the road for £20

LingDiLong · 04/01/2015 12:59

Totally and wholeheartedly agree NickiFury.

Lucyandpoppy · 04/01/2015 13:04

To the people saying that she cant afford to buy anything herself - i think that when she is 28wks she should be eligable for income support (around £60 a week i think) plus the sure start maternity grant to buy baby things which is £500 one off then when baby is here she willget an extra £70a week ish on top of income support in child tax credits and benefit. So maybe she was looking forward to choosing her own things with this money?

brokenhearted55a · 04/01/2015 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

handcream · 04/01/2015 13:07

Sorry, it does sound like a feckless immature 16 year old who thinks the world revolves around her, I guess there is no father in the picture.

She has chosen to ignore all the education around birth control and decided without any money to get pregnant. Still, the tax payer will pick all of this up.

After all we don't want this silly 16 yr old to feel she has made some rubbish decisions with no real consequences

Flywheel · 04/01/2015 13:08

Of course she should be grateful. Not because she is 16, but because someone has just bought he a large and generous gift. If she didn't want all of it there are more tactful ways to handle it.
If she was in her 30s and the gift was from an interfering mil, the correct response would still have been thank you. At any age there are ways of handling unwanted gifts. Thanks, but no thanks is not one of them.

pictish · 04/01/2015 13:10

I agree with both of Nicki's posts.

Of course the experienced pragmatist in me thinks you were very generous to your sister OP, and only sought to assist her. Your gesture was really kind and sensible too.

But

"I don't think she is massively ungrateful actually. Why she supposed to be so grateful? Because she is 16 and should be grateful for an older family member picking out her entire range of baby equipment? If she was older no one would think this was ok."

Is the truth. You should have asked first. Why is it appropriate for you to choose all of her baby stuff on her behalf without even consulting her? Because she's 16 and has no business having her own opinion on it? Ok, I'm sure you never thought of what you bought for her in that way, but I'll bet she did.

Always remember when I had ds1 and we were so so skint. Fil and his wife offered to buy the buggy. I agreed thinking how nice they were. In fact, they just showed up with what they decided they thought I should have. It was a top of the range three wheeler that wasn't to my taste and did not suit my needs. I couldn't drive back then, and my dh only had a tiny hatchback, which the stupid buggy was too big to fold into the boot of, and the damn thing was a monster on the bus as well. I had just wanted a nifty, humble McLaren, and ended up buying my own, saving us no quids whatever.

Point being, it's not for anyone to choose someone else's baby stuff without running their choices by them first.
I think if this lass had been consulted, her reaction would have been very different.