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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

mil and mother and baby class

203 replies

delilahrose2014 · 30/12/2014 19:31

My baby isn't due for another 8 weeks yet but my MIL has asked that when he is born she wants to take him (without me) to a mother and baby class where they do baby massage and baby sign language. She wants to do this so that she will develop a 'special bond' with him. I have said that I don't want this to happen and this has upset her and caused tension with the extended family.

AIBU about what will be my precious first born or is she getting too involved? I feel like this kind of thing I should be doing with my son, and something I want to make the most of doing whilst off on my maternity leave. I am terrified the baby will prefer her or bond with her.

Myself and MIL have quite a strained relationship, I think she is quite passive aggressive.

OP posts:
Mammanat222 · 31/12/2014 10:10

Have to concur that your MIL is completely out of order, not to mention a fucking nasty piece of work but my real issue is with your husband.

He should be managing his mother, laying down the boundaries and ground rules and generally making sure your needs are put first.

Having a baby is a terribly fraught time and although I adored my DS from birth and most things did come naturally it still took my quite some time to feel completely comfortable and bonded.

I think it's hubby that needs the talking to here - he cannot let his mother make selfish demands and make his {heavily pregnant} partner feel this way!

LittleDonkeyLeftie · 31/12/2014 10:46

I think if you hear from the rest of the family you should just wave the comments away, saying "Oh, I'm not going to get sucked into MILS drama"

I suspect you are in for a rough ride unfortunately. How is DH shaping up?

3luckystars · 31/12/2014 10:56

This may happen a lot over the years, so just say "I'm the mom" at any of these things and don't bother arguing.

I never let anyone mind my son when he was born, I just didn't want to. My SIL left her child with anyone and everyone and there is no right or wrong way, you just need to do what you are comfortable and don't be pushed or stressed by anyone else. She sounds like a complete nutcase to me.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 31/12/2014 10:59

I suggest that you set up the boundaries you want from the start and stick to them. it is always much easier to relax boundaries as you feel more confident and need more support than it is to build them up once MIL's contact expectations have been set at a certain level.

I agree with posters that breast feeding will be your best friend here - it will allow you to keep your baby close until you are ready to let others take a bigger role.

When I had my first pregnancy my relationship with my mum was awful, but the day DD was born she changed overnight and has turned into the most amazing GM and the best mother ever. But before the birth I could never have known that would happen, so please keep an open mind.

Good luck - I hope you enjoy every moment of those precious first months.

Baliali31 · 31/12/2014 11:46

Nip it in the bud, like, now! OP, my MIL wasn't quite so bad as this but the first time she visited my son let me know she would be expecting to take her grandson out alone from birth and I really wasn't ready. I wish I had been stronger and just said an outright no. Alone time with a newborn is not a natural 'right' for any grandparent and certainly not an entitlement. Take care of you and your precious baby and DONT CARE about extended family's views

MonstrousRatbag · 31/12/2014 13:42

My perspective on these threads comes from having a rather needy mother, not from MIL issues. My MIL had her faults, but she was always fine with me. I've learned the value of a clear strong boundary from having a sometimes difficult mother.

There is no reason this OP should end up having a really problematic relationship with her MIL based on what she's said on this thread, but I think a good resolution is more likely to happen if the OP states plainly what does and doesn't suit her than if she says nothing.

Balaboosta · 31/12/2014 14:53

I'm going to go against the flow here. You are not exactly BU but you are being bonkers. You will absolutely be climbing the walls for a couple of hours to yourself! Say yes now and then see what happens. You can always change your mind later. You're not signing a contract here but you are closing the door on two hours of baby-free time a week. Don't say no!

Original poster
delilahrose2014 · 31/12/2014 14:55

It's the type of class it is that's the problem and that my baby will be a newborn. It seems too much too soon.

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 31/12/2014 15:16

I can understand that you think it's
too soon. But what is the
problem with the type of class?

OnlyLovers · 31/12/2014 15:23

YANBU. I think Bala might be right and you might be grateful for a bit of time to yourself, but to tell everyone she's going to do this class and then tell them that you're stopping her spending time with the baby because of it is manipulative and nasty.

Goldmandra · 31/12/2014 15:43

You will absolutely be climbing the walls for a couple of hours to yourself!

Not necessarily.

Some mothers are happy to hand their babies over from very young, others aren't. Neither is wrong but the feeling of wanting to keep your baby with you can be overwhelming. You don't know which you will be in advance.

Original poster
delilahrose2014 · 31/12/2014 15:46

The class is described on the website as being designed for new mothers to help bond and communicate with their babies. She is aware of this and wants to have the bond herself.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/12/2014 15:48

Stand your ground and don't fall for any 'poor me' drama from her or the extended family on her behalf.

grannytomine · 31/12/2014 15:54

Italiangreyhound, but people were saying grandmothers shouldn't take babies to classes and that the clue was in the name, Mother and baby. Your class was obviously for mothers but not all classes are. I would hate to think that mothers at the classes I went to thought it was inappropriate that I was there. Obviously it isn't right for grandmothers, or anyone else, to think they have some sort of right to do this but I was just making the point that there isn't actually anything wrong with grandparents, or other carers, going to classes with babies. I know a childminder who goes to signing classes with a little one who originally went with her mother but the mother wanted it to continue when she went back to work.

Blanketontheground · 31/12/2014 16:01

Stand your ground. Say no without any further explanation. Keep saying no. You are the mother, not her.

Angelwings11 · 31/12/2014 16:07

You are not wrong. How stressful!

Yes, you may well appreciate help and a break, as other pp have stated in your MIL defence. But (and a big but), this really should be led by you, not demanded by her. She should also (however disappointed she is) not 'bitch' to the family to try and coerce you into agreeing with it.

I have been to classes where there have been GPS, attending with their grandchild. However, these tended to be sing along/movement groups (the children tended to be at least six months old) or mother and toddler groups where they were providing child care for their son/daughter.

If it were me, I would do some tacticle ignoring. By responding to barbed comments or even defending 'why' you said no from her/the family, it would give her the opportunity to try to make you feel guilty. Ignore, ignore, ignore and distract, distract distract!

3luckystars · 31/12/2014 16:09

Was a brand new newborn? Grannytomine? That's the problem, this baby is minus 3 months old and the granny is Already making plans for alone time with the baby, excluding the mother while the baby is a newborn and a firstborn. No effing way I would have allowed it. As I said, I didn't even let anyone look after my son, never mind bring him off to bonding classes, while I was finding my own way as a new mother and trying to get to know him myself in e first few weeks and months.

There will be plenty of time for classes when the baby is older. I think just say nothing, everyone probably knows she is nuts.

grannytomine · 31/12/2014 16:15

Maybe it is one of those things that vary in families? My mother was very close to her granny, me and my siblings were really close to both sets of grandparetns and my grandchildren are like that with me, my home is literally a second home to them. My DIL had bad PND so from two weeks old my DGS stayed with me two or three days and nights a week. Ten years on he is still here a couple of nights a week, every year we think he will get fed up of us oldies and want to be off with his friends but no, he still loves staying at grannies. His little brother is much the same, maybe more so. My other DGS is 200 miles away but we work hard to make a bond with him. I am lucky that both my DILs get on well with me, (even though one is now divorced so I suppose isn't really my DIL any more) they ask me advice rather than their own mums, I never, ever push my opinions so I think they feel comfortable asking as they know I don't take offence if they ignore me.

I guess sometimes I feel taken for granted but on balance wouldn't change a day of it.

One thing that I think is important to remember is that if mum is going back to work then baby will need to get used to being with other people. I know every minute is precious if the clock is ticking and I remember that feeling myself, but for baby's sake to keep baby with you 24/7 and then suddenly return to work is harsh.

Is MIL part of your childcare plans?

Vivacia · 31/12/2014 16:29

I think it'd be helpful to practice some,
"I'll have a think about that" and "I'll have a chat with DH and we'll let you know" or just some head raises and smiles.

You could also take the tack of, "We think it'll be very important for baby to spend special time with his grandma... I think you've got a bit confused about X though, that really is aimed at just mothers and babies, I wouldn't want you turning up and being embarrassed. Besides, that's something baby will do with me".

grannytomine · 31/12/2014 16:29

Just to add, I really don't think all grandparents should be having new borns 2 or 3 nights a week, that was due to circumstances.

3luckystars, I don't think it is a problem if everyone is happy with it or it helps. The problem with OPs MIL is her attitude but people saying it is weird for grandparents to do classes with a newborn isn't reasonable either.

Thymeout · 31/12/2014 17:05

Look - she has 'asked'. Not demanded or said she'd be doing it willy, nilly.

Of course she wants a 'special bond' with her gc. That just means a granny/grandchild bond. Not one that's closer than yours will be. That'd be impossible. You'll be spending so much more time with your baby and you will be his mum!

There seems to be some confusion about the classes. There are some that are designed for mothers who are having trouble bonding with their babies. And others which take place in a draughty church hall, surrounded by other mothers and babies. There's usually a lot of yelling.

I don't see what the problem is here. (Unless there's a massive backstory.)
The gm has offered to take the baby to a class. She's come up with this one. All you have to do is say that it makes more sense, with the signing, that you do this one, because you'll be spending so much more time with the baby. Choose something that's more appropriate for an older baby, with some sort of established routine, and suggest that one.

I think you're overreacting, understandable in a first pregnancy. But you've obviously offended her and made her worried about how you are going to manage the relationship between her and her gc. Try and put it right asap. You'll both feel better and it'll save a whole lot of trouble over future flashpoints.

OnlyLovers · 31/12/2014 17:09

She's asked, not demanded, yes, but when told no, she's told family that in such a way as the family think the OP is 'depriving her' of contact with her grandchild. That's not OK.

Andrewofgg · 31/12/2014 17:20

Mrsgrumble

Why should she have all the nice bits.

Because she's a bloody GP, that's why!

But what she is suggesting is OTT, not to say just plain silly.

Thymeout · 31/12/2014 17:32

We don't know what OP said to Mil, and in what tone of voice.

Sounds as if there's a misunderstanding on both sides which needs sorting asap.

GraysAnalogy · 31/12/2014 17:57

Some severe over reactions on this thread and an awful lot of reading between the lines without any substance

It was a suggestion wasn't it? Not a demand? What would you say if your own mother asked?

The OP is FULLY within her rights to object, but the reactions on this thread are ridiculous. and those sayin the MIL is a 'loon' or anything along those lines are incredibly misinformed.