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AIBU?

mil and mother and baby class

203 replies

delilahrose2014 · 30/12/2014 19:31

My baby isn't due for another 8 weeks yet but my MIL has asked that when he is born she wants to take him (without me) to a mother and baby class where they do baby massage and baby sign language. She wants to do this so that she will develop a 'special bond' with him. I have said that I don't want this to happen and this has upset her and caused tension with the extended family.

AIBU about what will be my precious first born or is she getting too involved? I feel like this kind of thing I should be doing with my son, and something I want to make the most of doing whilst off on my maternity leave. I am terrified the baby will prefer her or bond with her.

Myself and MIL have quite a strained relationship, I think she is quite passive aggressive.

OP posts:

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Fabulous46 · 30/12/2014 20:23

Good grief your baby isn't even born yet and your MIL is planning baby classes? Does she not realise her role is to support you and not demand? I would never dream of asking this of my DIL. I'm annoyed for you OP. I'm grateful for a cuddle of my DGS. Some grandparents need to remember how they felt when they had their children and how special that time is. YANBU.

Allalonenow · 30/12/2014 20:24

YANBU

Tell her firmly that you do not want her to do that, stand your ground, or she will be breaking boundaries continually and making your life a misery.

bumpiesonamission · 30/12/2014 20:24

Very very strange!! YANBU and also, you'd not BU to tell her to Fuck the hell off!

BTW, no way will lo prefer mil over you! babies tend not to like strange mil types!

YellowTulips · 30/12/2014 20:25

YANBU

Put simply you have no idea how you will feel after the birth, or how the baby will be (sleeping/feeding etc) and as such it's not an appropriate to make ANY promises right now.

I'd simply say we can see how I get on after the baby is born and then discuss what, if any, activities might be appropriate.

You may be thankful for some respite, but then you may not. You might be happy with MIL taking an afternoon walk or a few hours at the pool or just an hour in your home whilst you nap upstairs. I'd personally say the M&B classes are a step to far and if you intend to BF I think likely to be impractical anyway.

Keep your options open

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 30/12/2014 20:28

YASoooooNBU. I'd hit the roof if anyone else wanted to take my baby to a Mother & Baby class, particularly if they said it was so the baby would have a special bond with them!

delilahrose2014 · 30/12/2014 20:29

I think if it was swimming/ singing/ going to the park etc... It wouldn't be a problem. It has stressed me because my son isn't even born yet and it is something special that I would like to do with my baby.

She had told her extended family she was looking forward to doing the class, and then told them that I had said no to it, they think I am depriving her. This is definitely not the case.

OP posts:

Fabulous46 · 30/12/2014 20:29

She sounds like a loon. She has had children, this is your turn.

Oh FFS, listen to yourself! It's not about "turns", the woman has made an offer to take her grand child to a baby massage class, she's not talking about kidnapping it all for herself! Yes, she's overstepped the mark but it hardly makes her a "loon". I sometimes read threads on here and come to the conclusion some mothers are bigger arses than the grandparents, especially with statements like "it's your turn, she's had her turn".

morechildrenplease · 30/12/2014 20:32

Seriously, that is an hilarious suggestion. Perhaps she might like to hop into the birthing pool with you whilst she is about it.

ApocalypseThen · 30/12/2014 20:32

I really dislike this self righteous huffing and puffing about grandmothers having had their turn. The child is a living being who will benefit from relationships with others, not a doll who's batteries will run out if someone else plays with it.

Look, she might not really appreciate the purpose of these specific classes - she probably saw they were on and thought it sounded nice without looking into it too deeply. If you don't want her doing those ones, suggest something else. If you don't want her doing anything, put her off for the moment.

But this is an early point to indicate that you don't want her taking the child at times. You could easily find that if you're careless of her feelings now she won't step out of her way in the future so whatever you do, try to be clever about it.

My mother and mother in law are too far away to have daily or even weekly contact with ours and it's not a good thing. We would live the help from someone who genuinely loves our family if we could get it.

RiverTam · 30/12/2014 20:33

what is it with these feeble men? Honestly.

I would tell your MIL that the thing with these classes is that the clue is in the name. The day she finds (and can prove to you that it exists) a MIL and baby class is the day she'll get to do this.

With a tiny baby, round my way she would have got some very odd looks. Fair enough if you were back at work and she was doing childcare (I used to sit next to a very lovely grandma at one class, but her DGD was at least a year old, if not older), but with a newborn? No.

ILovePud · 30/12/2014 20:35

If they do think you are 'depriving her' they are twats, I still wonder whether you know this directly or because she has told you this is what they think. For the people who are defending OP's MIL it's not about her offering to/wanting to spend time with her future DG it's the manner in which she's done it. Telling other people she will be doing this without even asking her DIL first, then sulking when she's told no.

MrsVamos · 30/12/2014 20:36

Delilah

You do with your baby what YOU want to do.

No-one has the right to demand time with the baby.

You have to do what makes you comfortable and happy.

I would have a serious chat and stop this NOW.

ZingTheGreat · 30/12/2014 20:37

Indoor Competitive Bonding will be introduced at 2016 Olympics as the newest sport. I suggest your MIL leads Team GB. no training necessary, she is a pro already

5ChildrenAndIt · 30/12/2014 20:39

But OP - you can do massage/signing class even if MIL does a class. The truth is the baby won't care & will barely notice if it's sitting in Starbucks or being lovingly massaged.

GarlicDrankTheChristmasSpirit · 30/12/2014 20:40

It's tempting to think of this as rather sweet, and a genuine desire to be an involved & useful grandparent. But the clue's in her reaction to OP's "No". Your sweet & reasonable MIL then says "Hmm, it's early days yet. Let's put it on hold for now, and see how you feel about a bit of time off when baby's here."

But she hasn't said that. She's imposed the issue between OP and her husband, and has rallied her family to express shock. Therefore it's an early move for control, not a clumsy effort to help. It bodes ill for the future, I'm afraid. Foot down NOW, and hard! Otherwise, there's a danger she'll be one of those freaky grandmothers who pretends the baby's hers

Line up alternative sources of support. Good luck, and best wishes for the birth.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 30/12/2014 20:40

Tell her no , it's not going to happen.

Who plans things that far ahead and it's not her baby, barking!

Spadequeen · 30/12/2014 20:46

Ignore the rest of the family. It's got bugger all to do with them. Just smile sweetly and mil and say well see.

As others have said, I have seen grandparents do these things and a rest might be well needed/wanted at the right time. But it's not her place to decide, it's yours to offer. And get dh on side now, he needs to tell his mum to back off

grannytomine · 30/12/2014 20:50

I took my grandson to a mother and baby class, my DIL asked me to as she was going back to work but wanted him to be able to do the class. I liked going but thought I was doing her a favour. Never occurred to me that people might think it was weird or something. I have a good relationship with him but his mum is his mum and me taking him to a class wouldn't make any difference to that.

ZingTheGreat · 30/12/2014 20:51

I predict the following moves from MIL:

wanting to name baby
if you are bf - wanting you to bottle feed baby so she can do it, to bond you see
wanting to visit at precise in times she'd ben told are not convenient for you
possibly planning to take baby abroad as 1st birthday present - just her and baby naturally
interpret your answers of "maybe" , "possibly", "no" and "no fucking way" as "yes"

and that's just the first few months

bensam · 30/12/2014 20:51

Yanbu. You naturally want to make the most of your mat leave with your first born and she should understand that. I wonder whether you might suggest that she take your DC to a toddler group/baby sign at some point in the future when you return to work?

Goldmandra · 30/12/2014 20:51

The truth is the baby won't care

The OP may care very deeply and not be ready to hand her baby over to her MIL once a week.

This isn't about whether the baby will be OK with his or her DG. It's about whether the OP has the right to say no to someone making arrangements for her child before he or she is even born.

IDontDoIroning · 30/12/2014 20:52

What is wrong about this is that she announced this to the extended family 1-before the baby is even born and 2- without asking the baby's mother.

You and your dh could quite honestly say that you really don't want to tempt fate by doing this and you really don't know how you and the baby will be as you might have a Velcro baby, a colicky baby a reflux baby or be breastfeeding.
So best not to make too many plans untill baby is here.

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bensam · 30/12/2014 20:57

Just seen Granny's post!
My DM took my DD to all sorts of classes when I went back to work and they both had a great time. DM made some good friends who she's still in contact with.
Your MIL sounds a bit pushy though OP. Make sure you stick to your guns and do things on your terms.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 30/12/2014 20:58

granny your DiL asked you, this one seems intent before the tot is even born .

There's the difference.

museumum · 30/12/2014 21:01

Imo it's totally ok once the mum is back at work, or even if not going back to work after 6mo or even if the mum wants 3mo. But not those first weeks/months when all the new mums are a bit raw and needing to bond with other new mums in the same position.

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