mil and mother and baby class

[delilahrose2014]

My baby isn't due for another 8 weeks yet but my MIL has asked that when he is born she wants to take him (without me) to a mother and baby class where they do baby massage and baby sign language. She wants to do this so that she will develop a 'special bond' with him. I have said that I don't want this to happen and this has upset her and caused tension with the extended family.

AIBU about what will be my precious first born or is she getting too involved? I feel like this kind of thing I should be doing with my son, and something I want to make the most of doing whilst off on my maternity leave. I am terrified the baby will prefer her or bond with her.

Myself and MIL have quite a strained relationship, I think she is quite passive aggressive.

When your baby is older, it would be kind to let your MiL have one-to-one time.

I took DGC no2 to a toddler group and we do have a lovely close relationship even though I love all my DGC the same. I worked when eldest was little so couldn't do it. I hope I can do the same with subsequent DGC.

grannytomine if your DIL asked you to take your dear grandson to a mother and baby class then I am quite sure you were doing a wonderful thing for him and for her, and also a nice thing for you. The angry posts here are not directed at helpful grandparents at all, they (or at least mine and I am guessing everyone else's) are directed at grandparents or anyone else who makes plans for babies, not their own, before they are born, asks but does not accept the answer!

You sound like a lovely grandma grannytomine just so you know the baby massage we had was for mums who had had a hard time giving birth, blue lighted to hospital, infections, C-sections, etc etc which could make it harder to bond with baby. It is this I am thinking of when I think of baby massage, other people may know different ones and I am sure if they are not specially for the person who gave birth (as in my case) they would be for dads too.

Our 'mum and baby' group was called a post natal group and was in someone's home. Mums may have found it had to talk about a painful birth or loss of lebiedo in from of a dad. I don't think that aspect of it is sexist. But baby signing and singing and all that are open to all and are probably only called Mummy and me or Mummy and baby because they are just expecting that most people who come will be mums. Mour church runs a toddler group that attracts babies as young as newly born and has mums, dads, grandparents and childminders coming. It is better to have an inclusive name.

But all that aside I do think the MIL knows the purpose of massage and signing is bonding and she wants a special bond. Which is fine but mum has to develop and continue that bond, and dad too, first IMHO.

Our not Mour!

I see grandparents taking children to rhythm & rhyme but I kinda assumed they were doing that because parents were at work. No way would I let anybody other than OH it myself take DS to a class / group in these early days.

I too have a strained relationship with my MIL but I wouldn't let my own parents either in these early days.

I can see my dad taking DS to rhythm & rhyme when I'm back at work but I see no need for a grandparent to take a child to a class in the hope of bonding when the parents are available to do so. Walks in park, an hr babysitting here or there yes but a class or a group? No.

YANBU at all.

fab

no need to feel sorry for my MIL at all.
I have a great relationship with her (better than with my mum actually) and she has never been stopped to bond with any of her 25 gramdchildren. the ones who live in England see her every week because she wants to spend time with them AND because we need her help to look after kids.
the ones in Belgium she visits once every 4-6 weeks.
she is absolutely brilliant with all of them and we love her tons. she sings praises of her sons and DILs and GCs and is immensely proud of all of us. I couldn't have dreamed of a better MIL ( bar the health foods, diets & antibiotics lectures )

but when she interferes she gets told no. when she wants to do things DH or I (or both) don't agree with it doesn't happen. same with my with my mum.

Say no, no and no some more.

I too had problems with MIl when my DD was born. Things have settled now after I made it clear it was important for me as a mother to do these things. I still make time for her though and since DD was 4 months old MIL has taken her to her village cafe for tea and cake every week if there is time for an hour so she can show her off to her friends.

But I would no way allow this with a new born. There is no way in hell that I would allow my child to be taught a special language only shared between her and my MIL.

Incidentally I do newborn group, sensory, buggyfit and rhymetime each week. Only at Rhymetime have I seen a grandparent so perhaps you could suggest she do rhymetime instead but only from 4 months onwards? Most local libraries do it I think? Plus 'the wheels on the bus' is a terrible earworm...

I agree with previous posters' views that NO ONE has right to demand time with your baby and perhaps that's where pushier grandparents tend to step over the line a bit. The first few weeks should be parent and baby bonding time and before the baby is even born is far too early for your MIL to be making plans. She can get plenty of bonding time by popping over for tea and maybe keeping an eye on baby for half an hour so you can have a nap. You can't force a 'special bond' to occur.

Echo what the other posters have said about these classes being valuable time to meet other new mothers too. DH went to a few baby sensory classes and definitely felt awkward (although everyone was very nice!). Swimming I loved doing with dd as it was our special activity together (I went back to work early).

It's also important for you to go as you hear valuable information about local childminders and nurseries, and helps you build yourself into the parent community. And yes, it's fantastic fun to do these things with your newborn. If you want to spend 100% of the time with them then do so and don't feel like you need to let others have bonding time. That can all come later on.

Your MIL sounds like a nightmare. Your DH needs to be supportive. Stand firm and follow your instincts.

Also I had a nightmare time with my MIL before dd was born. My DH backed me up though. It sorted itself out in the end.

I also completely understand your comment about it being your baby. I got comments such as my baby was going to be dressed in whatever MIL wanted because that's what she wanted to do, that she would take the baby here there and everywhere without consulting either of us beforehand, and had practically bought a whole nursery complete with clothing. Also that news of my pregnancy wasn't just 'for us' and how dare we say we didn't want it shared because it was about her and her feelings as well. I'm sure you get the gist! I felt, and still do feel ferociously, that it is my baby first and not hers to do with as she will! I don't see what there is to not understand about that. It's a pretty primeval thing.

Good luck :)

My eldest daughter (aged 15) has a special bond with both her grandmothers - one lives ten minutes away and the other lives ten hours away. Both grandmothers used the 'what can I do to help' approach instead of the 'gimme the baby, bitch' approach.

I would certainly not have agreed to any request that would have meant separating me from my baby - and this idea of trying to establish a 'special bond' in your absence sounds extremely controlling to me.

Tell your husband to strap on a pair: you and the baby are supposed to be the most important people in his life now. If he's not mature enough to stand up for his wife, he probably shouldn't be having sex...

First of all, a baby will always bond with primary care givers first and foremost regardless of baby classes, how you feed her, or how many people cuddle her. DD has been around lots of family caring for her and watching her overnight since she was a few weeks old and while she has a good bond with them, she's closer to us. It did not stop her from bonding. It did create a good bond with other family members, which is nice because we can go out and leave her with them knowing she's happy and having a little baby vacation herself.

Most classes for sign language start at about 6 months (and by then you might want a sanity break!). I personally think it's silly, you'll recognize the different types of cries to what they want. DD has a very distinct cry for food, sleep, protests, or cuddles. But hey, it's fun to do I suppose and if it's your thing go for it.

Something to think about though, you'll be bringing your baby into a new environment with all sorts of germs. Who knows how well their immune system will be doing. I'm not saying don't take your baby out ever, but ask anyone who has a child in nursery. When one child catches something, all of them do. So things like granny 1:1 time is great. Baby 1:12 different babies and mothers from 12 different environments, not so much. Really, the baby isn't going to get anything from being around other babies. Last time DD was around another baby she had no interest in him and he poked her cheeks until she cried.

No, but really. Children don't need to be around other children to be happy. They need a stable carer to feel safe and nurtured to get the development they need. The baby class would be more for MIL's benefit, not your child's.

That all aside, the fact that MIL is possessive of the baby already is not a good sign. It's also a bad sign that DH doesn't have your back on this. If you want to do the baby classes, you do them. MIL is a grandparent, not a co-parent. This isn't her second chance at being a mom. I'd remind her that this is a baby who will have their own thoughts and feelings, not a fucking puppy.

Its the manipulation and control that concerns me.
The class is a red herring.
Are you planning on breastfeeding. If so I'd give her this.
www.lovemums.org.uk/page/baby-feeding-information

And read this
www.llli.org/faq/criticism.html

I'm not a grandmother and I certainly believe the MiL is being far too pushy.

However, a baby is not possession and I sometimes worry when people here say, "Your baby your rules." A baby is born into a family with a lot of love to give and dads get a say as well. And the wider family can have a lot to offer. Mums aren't automatically right all the time.

As a new mother I felt the burden of responsibility very heavy first time round and was overwhelmed by this. Sadly, MiL was physically very unwell so was barely able to hold pfb but I was very relieved to hand him over to DM or DSis for an hour or so, so that I could have some time out or get on with some chores.

Accept offers of help on your terms. A baby cannot get too much love and it's wonderful to have a family who want to help and support you.

The child is a living being who will benefit from relationships with others, not a doll who's batteries will run out if someone else plays with it

This!

In fact, studies show that the more close attachments children form in their first three years (after the primary attachment is formed) the better it is for their emotional development. I'd only worry about the bonding issue if the MIL got in the way of a primary bond forming, which an hour a week is hardly likely to do, especially if it's not in the first couple of months. Saying no for the first couple of months makes sense for that reason, but not beyond that.

It seems a shame to deny a baby a loving experience with a grandparent simply because they're 'yours'.

Is it possible that she's just over excited? She is excited about being a granny for the first time and is perhaps jumping the gun a bit. I got overwhelmed by my mum's plans for us when I was pregnant and she is lovely. We both shook down in the end.
Maybe baby massage is the first class she saw, and jumped at it.

Coming late to this, but mother and baby groups are something I feel very strongly about. I went to loads with DS (now 6) and made some very, very good friends. I feel that the point of such groups, certainly with babies under about 9 months, isn't so much that the baby joins in an activity, but that the mother makes friends other mothers of babies of similar age. Being a new mum can be a lonely and vulnerable place. I found the support of other women struggling with their own emotions around babies/ relationships/ sleeping/weaning/isolation/PND invaluable. Mother and baby groups provide the post natal debrief that new mums need and help build a network of new friends in the same "place" geographically, practically and mentally.

I struggled with the isolation of being a new mum. From working 45+ hours a week and often being away from home, to being home all day was an awful shock. Baby groups gave me a place to go, some structure to my day.

Don't underestimate the emotional impact the baby will have on you. For the next few months having a newborn/6 week old/3 month old will be the most important thing in your life, and you need people around you in the same position, even if they not people you'd normally be friends with.

I think your mil is trying to get you to agree to this now because she knows you won't agree to it once the baby is here.

Once babies are around 6-9-12 months old and mums start going vack to work, then grandparents and dads at baby groups seem to be far more common. Dd (3) goes to a ballet class for 18 month -3 year olds and about half the adults are grandparents.

Just say no thanks, MIL. She doesn't need to bond with the baby the same way that you do and she doesn't need alone time either. Maybe sometime in the future you can see how you feel about her looking after your baby, but don't commit to anything until she has proven herself as a gran who respects your choices and can take "no don't do that, that's not how you're supposed to do that now" without getting stroppy about "back in my day".

I would actually have a closer relationship with my own MIL if I'd felt able to say no to her from the start. If she expects to take the same liberties with DS2 that she took with DS1 she's in for a nasty shock, lol.

There are grandparents who have taken babies to classes I have been to, but these are older babies and toddlers.

You may be glad of a break if she takes him. But it is your choice entirely not hers.
I would not have welcomed this suggestion before ds was even born!

That is interesting bikeskirun, I found mum and baby groups really isolating. Ds had problems no other babies had in those groups. Seeing mothers widen their eyes and go 'really?' In absolute astonishment every time i spoke about ds or how things were for me was horrible. It made me feel very alone. I felt much better when I gave up on these groups tbh.

My MIL tried this, I said no, then tried to say I was neglecting my son by not taking him to more groups.

That's an interesting flip side thegoose. I hadn't thought of that, although my best "mum group" friend's child has a disability.

She really isnt BU to ask. Yes, shd would be unreasonable if she tried to demand or insist but for gods sake, people, all she is asking is if she can do one group or activity a week. She may not know you want to do baby sign or massage.

I seriously am failing to see the problem here. She has asked, you have said no. From the thread title I imagined MIL was taking your baby to groups and passing herself off as the mother.

think - I think the problem is that it reveals her attitude to op and her emotions as a mother, especially the strop after op said no.

Hacked

the problem is that this baby is not even born yet, but MIL goes around bad mouthing OP after being told no, being a bully. who the fuck does that?
some people can't stand the fact that what they want is simply not as important as what someone else wants and try to put themselves in a position of power by being intimidating, playing games, being passive aggresive etc.

do you see that is what happened here?