Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

AIBU?

mil and mother and baby class

203 replies

delilahrose2014 · 30/12/2014 19:31

My baby isn't due for another 8 weeks yet but my MIL has asked that when he is born she wants to take him (without me) to a mother and baby class where they do baby massage and baby sign language. She wants to do this so that she will develop a 'special bond' with him. I have said that I don't want this to happen and this has upset her and caused tension with the extended family.

AIBU about what will be my precious first born or is she getting too involved? I feel like this kind of thing I should be doing with my son, and something I want to make the most of doing whilst off on my maternity leave. I am terrified the baby will prefer her or bond with her.

Myself and MIL have quite a strained relationship, I think she is quite passive aggressive.

OP posts:

Report

MrsTawdry · 30/12/2014 20:02

No. A big FAT NO!

It's a MOTHER and baby class. Not a GRANNY and baby class. You're best to set boundaries right away. Show this thread to DH.

ZingTheGreat · 30/12/2014 20:03

great thread OP

tell her to back off with the interfering

delilahrose2014 · 30/12/2014 20:04

I think she is very jealous of my relationship with her son. Which is part of the problem, this is also her first (and possibly last due to pregnancy issues) grandchild.

I don't want her not to be involved I just find it a bit weird, but didn't know if it was in my head or not as the extended family are shocked that I said she couldn't do it!

OP posts:

Reddragon116 · 30/12/2014 20:06

baby sign is ridiculous unless its with the main carer ! baby will try to communicate with you by sign and you will not have a clue - potentially very upsetting for both of you

Corabell · 30/12/2014 20:06

YANBU. She sounds solely concerned about her wants as a grandmother not what the baby needs as a new human! By that I mean the baby generally needs it's mother/ father etc, not to be removed from the mother so granny can bond. If your MIL was saying that she would watch baby or take for a short walk so you could sleep then that would be good for all three of you.

For what it's worth, I didn't baby massage and it was wonderful, it helped me in a very dark time, I met other mothers and we bonded over birth, newborns and coping with motherhood.

For what it's worth I never got through a class without having to breastfeed my baby anyway!

Say no thank you and when you are ready let her have some time - when you and baby are ready.

GraysAnalogy · 30/12/2014 20:07

Personally I wouldn't mind it. One hour a week perhaps? Least it's something productive.

ILovePud · 30/12/2014 20:07

Hmmmm are the extended family subject to the same emotional blackmail that your DH is? Alternatively is it your MIL herself who has told you that the extended family are shocked by your behaviour?

5ChildrenAndIt · 30/12/2014 20:07

Um - I think youre being a bit touchy. Would you feel the same way about her taking baby to the park? It's just a nice happy clappy activity - maybe you could decompress with an expercise class for yourself at the same venue?

MrsVamos · 30/12/2014 20:10

Oh.My.Goodness.

Tell her to Fuck Off To The Far Side Of Fuck.

Then Fuck Off Some More.

BlinkAndMiss · 30/12/2014 20:12

This is something that is put on for mums to bond with their babies, when the baby is older it might be nice for grandma to take the baby to a music group or something but not a mother and baby group. Most of the groups are for the mum's benefit anyway, the baby doesn't really care but it's nice for the mum to meet other mums and be able to chat about some of the things that come up: sleepless nights, exhaustion etc. most mums go there to make new mum friends, if grandma goes instead then you'll miss out on that.

Tell her you'll find a group for her to go to once the baby is older. This is your time to bond, not hers. Her time will be when you are ready.

petalsandstars · 30/12/2014 20:12

That is definitely weird! But thank her for the idea and take baby yourself to a baby sign class I've done signing with both of mine and it's lovely to have that communication before the words come along. You need to get the tone set now I think or you'll end up posting on the horror MIL threads with DH not standing up for you

BlinkAndMiss · 30/12/2014 20:13

Or what MrsVamos said :).

5ChildrenAndIt · 30/12/2014 20:13

Really - love doesn't run out - MIL spending time with baby won't supplant you. Is the trigger just the name of the class? Is she allowed to massage the baby - but just not at a class?

LittleDonkeyLeftie · 30/12/2014 20:13

YANBU

If this is the only GC then the extended family can be as shocked as they like, it isn't their issue is it!!??

I think this is a good point to talk to DH about settig boundaries with MIL if she looks like being one of those "popper inners" "OOh it's my baby" types. If he won't stand up to her then you do not have a MIL problem you have a DH problem.

If all else fails move away

Goldmandra · 30/12/2014 20:15

You might welcome this idea once your baby is born and you've all settled down into your new life. Then again you might not.

The concern for me is the fact that you expressed a preference about someone arranging activities for a child that isn't even born yet and are already being given a hard time about it.

I understand your MIL's over enthusiasm and it's lovely that she wants to be involved with your baby but it isn't going to be her baby and nobody knows how your life will change when he or she is born.

If you read similar threads on here you'll see that there is a wide variety of feelings about sending babies off with their grandparents. Some babies get packed off for overnights within a couple of weeks of birth and there is nothing wrong with that. Some parents can't bear to be parted from their baby for a few minutes at any point in the first year which is also fine and most fall somewhere in between. You don't know for sure yet how you will feel so I don't know how anyone can expect you to make decisions about other people taking your baby out 8 weeks before the birth.

The main point you need to make at the moment is that you don't expect your baby's wider family to be giving you a hard time every time you decide not to hand your baby over on demand. Your DH needs to tell them to back off and respect your (and his) wishes in future. The more they push, the less likely you will be to feel like handing your baby over to them, even when you are ready.

Hakluyt · 30/12/2014 20:15

My mother used to take mine to a baby music group at our local leisure centre while I swam, then sat and had a cup of coffee on my own. It was utter, utter heaven. I looked forward to it all week!!!!!!!!!!!!

GraysAnalogy · 30/12/2014 20:16

I know it seems annoying now but I honestly do think you'll welcome the time once your baby is born. You're understandably annoyed though, and perhaps her posing it this way (especially mother and baby groups) isn't the best.

5ChildrenAndIt · 30/12/2014 20:16

This is very harsh judgement on a woman who has basically volunteered a regular weekly hour of babysitting - which even the most doting new mum typically appreciates.

Are Dads allowed to go to "mother and baby" massage class?

youarekiddingme · 30/12/2014 20:18

It's a mother and baby class - title says it all really with it's design in mind.

YANBU to want to take your DC to these things yourself.

Be mindful tho that you give her equal acess to child as you would your own family, after all, (IMO) all DGPs are equal.

Would she be amenable to "MIL, I'd like to do mother and baby classes myself and it will be a great way for me to meet other parents, but it would be nice for us to do X together" (find something suitable). I don't mean pander to her tantrums - just try and look at the route cause for them.

practice now for those toddler years!

TobyLerone · 30/12/2014 20:19

HELL NO!

And I wouldn't care who I upset by saying so. You might appreciate having MIL take the baby for a while once it's here. You might not. My DD will be 1 next week and I've never left her with anyone but DH, and even then only for a couple of hours. Never wanted to.

ILovePud · 30/12/2014 20:21

I'm also wondering how all 'the extended family' know about this issue? I'm assuming your MIL has told them and why would she do that? My guess would be to isolate and pressure you. You're heavily pregnant, the extended family are being twats if they are indeed joining in with your MIL weird power games.

stopgap · 30/12/2014 20:21

I'd jump at the chance! I absolutely love it when my MIL offers to watch my baby and three-year-old, and personally wouldn't care if that involved baby massage or a walk in the park.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

ScrambledSmegs · 30/12/2014 20:21

Silly baggages being shocked that you said no. Honestly. Practice your best face and say 'it's a class for mothers and babies'. And then change the subject.

But do suggest other nice things she can do with the baby eg playgroup etc. That way she gets to spend precious time with your DC.

onthematleavecountdown · 30/12/2014 20:21

She sounds like a loon. She has had children, this is your turn. Oh and tell your dh to grow a pair, I doubt this will be the only time she oversteps or tries to overstep the mark.....

GraysAnalogy · 30/12/2014 20:23

She doesn't sound like a loon at all. She sounds like a woman who has perhaps overstepped the mark yes, but wanted to do something nice with her grandchild. That doesn't make her a 'loon'. Ffs.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.