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AIBU?

mil and mother and baby class

203 replies

delilahrose2014 · 30/12/2014 19:31

My baby isn't due for another 8 weeks yet but my MIL has asked that when he is born she wants to take him (without me) to a mother and baby class where they do baby massage and baby sign language. She wants to do this so that she will develop a 'special bond' with him. I have said that I don't want this to happen and this has upset her and caused tension with the extended family.

AIBU about what will be my precious first born or is she getting too involved? I feel like this kind of thing I should be doing with my son, and something I want to make the most of doing whilst off on my maternity leave. I am terrified the baby will prefer her or bond with her.

Myself and MIL have quite a strained relationship, I think she is quite passive aggressive.

OP posts:

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ZingTheGreat · 30/12/2014 21:41

thy

outrage would be the same. interfering, bullying etc is not on whomever it comes from

MrsTawdry · 30/12/2014 21:41

Tyme don't you think that baby massage is something for the main caregiver? For the parent?

Grandparents aren't there for those intimate bonding activities...for a reason. They're not the parent!

And a one off tummy rub is not quite the same as a regular session. Perhaps the OP isn't interested in baby massage...I wasn't...and I'd feel odd about my MIL doing it!

ILovePud · 30/12/2014 21:42

That's a brilliant retort Blackeyed

Purplepoodle · 30/12/2014 21:44

Bit odd of her to pick that kind of class. Could you suggest a baby group/toddler group? Perhaps along the lines there will be more granny's there. Or even suggest for the first few weeks that she comes house once a week to mind dgc while you nap or take baby out for a walk.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 30/12/2014 21:44

If she was a dog or a car she would be peeing on your tree to mark her place

Fabulous46 · 30/12/2014 21:44

Who will be MY new born baby, not hers.

I'm sure she's well aware the baby isn't hers. What is it with people on MN who automatically assume GM's 'think' the baby is theirs?

You MIL asked to take the baby to a class. You said in your OP "She wants to do this so that she will develop a 'special bond' with him. I have said that I don't want this to happen and this has upset her and caused tension with the extended family." It all depends on how you answered her. Reading your OP she may have construed you said you don't want her to bond with her GS.

You actually come across that your trying to make problems with your MIL when there aren't any. I've never been on a forum where there is so much hatred for MILs!

pumpkinsweetie · 30/12/2014 21:48

She sounds unhinged, is it really normal for people other than mum/adoptive mum to take baby to baby massage?

I wouldn't allow it.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 30/12/2014 21:50

You can tell the grannies on this thread

Keep saying it "your baby, your rules"

She can do what she wants with her very large baby

ZingTheGreat · 30/12/2014 21:50

fab

if you read thread it's clear OP said no because she wants to do this herself. it is a special thing so why should MIL want to take over is beyond me.
mother bonding with baby is priority. father bonding with baby is priority
siblings not poking baby in the eye while cuddling is priority.
see how MIL bonding with baby doesn't even make top 3???

lem73 · 30/12/2014 21:54

thyemout you're right. I think because it's the mil people are more likely to call her interfering. Personally I've noticed a lot of grandmothers tagging along with their daughters at different classes (singing classes, baby gymnastics etc.). I've seen a lot of grandfathers too. I'm glad my mum lives far away because I find it very clingy. I know a lot of my friends would be ok with their mums coming along but horrified if it's their mils.

Fabulous46 · 30/12/2014 21:54

if you read thread it's clear OP said no because she wants to do this herself. it is a special thing so why should MIL want to take over is beyond me.
mother bonding with baby is priority. father bonding with baby is priority
siblings not poking baby in the eye while cuddling is priority.
see how MIL bonding with baby doesn't even make top 3???

If you read my replies I agreed with her until her statement of "it will be my baby not hers". I'm sure MIL is well aware it's not 'her' baby. I feel sorry for all your MIL's, I really do.

Aherdofmims · 30/12/2014 21:57

I would say no for now, but maybe leave the option open to see how you feel later on?

It may be that when you have had the baby you would welcome a break. If she does do this class it won't make the baby prefer her or any of that nonsense.

But you probably won't want her to do it right away because as you say you will need to bond with the baby yourself.

Aherdofmims · 30/12/2014 21:59

or if you want to do that particular class, maybe MIL could find another class/group to do?

MrsTawdry · 30/12/2014 22:00

Lem but the most important thing is that the Mother of the baby should feel comfortable. That trumps ALL desire to "form bonds" or "take classes" or whatever it is. If a Mother is not comfortable with her MIL doing something with her child then that's all that counts.

A MIL may be the Mother of a husband but she is not a blood relative and sometimes it takes years to built up love between a MIL and DIL.

I love my MIL but when DD 1 was a baby she tried to muscle in too much. FAR too much. We got over it though.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 30/12/2014 22:01

Fan, I can pretty much guarantee her mil didn't have her baby whisked off her my the gmil to go to a massage class, I don't feel sorry for anyone who is pushy, insensitive and chooses to ride roughshod over a new mum to be's medically normal hormonal state - I call that bring an a grade selfish bitch

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 30/12/2014 22:01

Fab*

ILovePud · 30/12/2014 22:02

My MIL has looked after my two youngest for a couple of hours a week ever since they were born, enabling me to do the shopping and or a bit of cleaning. She was and is a fantastic help, I don't have anything against MILs but the poor OP is pregnant with her first and her MIL is already telling (without having asked OP) her family that she will be taking her DG to baby massage, then has been grumpy when OP has told her otherwise and dragged other family members into this whole disagreement. OP has also said that she has a very limited amount of mat leave and that baby massage classes are something she wants to attend with her baby, no reasonable MIL would act in this way.

Goldmandra · 30/12/2014 22:03

As a childminder, I've done baby massage, baby signing, baby sensory, baby music and all sorts of other baby classes with my charges. I've done every one at the request of or in cooperation with babies' mothers at all times.

There have been mothers, fathers, grandparents and other childminders at these classes and nobody has thought it odd.

The issue isn't that the MIL would like to do a class with the child. The issue is that she wants to plan the classes before the child is even born and, when the OP declined, has enlisted support from the wider family for her right to call dibs on her designated time with the child.

Too much, too pushy and far too soon.

Thymeout · 30/12/2014 22:04

Honestly, it's not that 'special' or 'intimate'. I think some of you are confusing it with one-to-one massage with adults in an intimate relationship. I know quite a few babies who objected vociferously to their limbs being extended or their necks stroked.

It's an adult with a baby. You might object if your d.m. offered to give your dh a massage, but you're surely not going to think it's odd or weird if anyone other than you strokes or plays with your baby in a physical way.

Or perhaps you are?

duplodon · 30/12/2014 22:04

The child is a living being who will benefit from relationships with others, not a doll who's batteries will run out if someone else plays with it.

Yes!

I moved house closer to my mum and step dad when pregnant with my third. He is the first of mine to have a definite attachment with someone other than dh/I/a sib and it's brilliant! I used to be so stressed if I ever had to leave the other two with family even as they just didn't know them well, the difference it makes to be able to leave them with my folks is amazing and has made family life so much less stressful with three than it even was with one. I have read the average child in a community has about five or six secure attachments by 18 months. Our baby massage instructor was all for getting grannies and aunties and older siblings involved!

GraysAnalogy · 30/12/2014 22:04

You can tell the grannies on this thread

Really?

I'm one with empathy for the MIL but I'm far from being a granny myself

Aherdofmims · 30/12/2014 22:06

That's true, Thymeout. I think MIL would find the class is not everything she imagines if she ever gets to go there.

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lem73 · 30/12/2014 22:06

MrsTawdry don't get me wrong. I'm on the op's side completely. I remember what my mil was like when ds1 was born and she has my deepest sympathies. Of course I was younger and softer then so I'd get upset. Now I just smile at her while silently thinking f%&k you!

MrsTawdry · 30/12/2014 22:10

Lem yes....I think as a new Mother one of the most important but surprising things you learn is that you have to take up a position of authority and that often involves standing up to women which as a person with no children you would naturally defer to!

I did anyway. I found that I sometimes needed to assert myself in a way which was hard at first.

middlings · 30/12/2014 22:31

I'd have given my extremely DM the same response as my DMIL on this one.

No.

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