mil and mother and baby class

[delilahrose2014]

My baby isn't due for another 8 weeks yet but my MIL has asked that when he is born she wants to take him (without me) to a mother and baby class where they do baby massage and baby sign language. She wants to do this so that she will develop a 'special bond' with him. I have said that I don't want this to happen and this has upset her and caused tension with the extended family.

AIBU about what will be my precious first born or is she getting too involved? I feel like this kind of thing I should be doing with my son, and something I want to make the most of doing whilst off on my maternity leave. I am terrified the baby will prefer her or bond with her.

Myself and MIL have quite a strained relationship, I think she is quite passive aggressive.

[brererabbit]

I see where you're coming from in that it's a special bond that you want for yourself kind of thing, but unless there are other issues and it's controlling maybe don't say no outright and burn the bridge. It does sound lovely and you may be glad of the hour or two to yourself in a few months once a week. She can be a brilliant granny but however hard she tries she will never be mum. But if it's coming from a good place it sounds lovely.

[2spooky4me]

YANBU! It's lovely that she wants to bond with the baby, but taking him to a mother and baby class without you is a very strange idea. Maybe suggest something a little less ummm.... tactile AFTER you and your DH have had enough time to bond with your baby

[LIZS]

Don't they need to be over 6 weeks for baby massage? Iiwy I'd refuse to discuss it with mil or family. When the time comes you say no , and make sure dh will back you up by telling him now that it won't happen.

[iamusuallybeingunreasonable]

And it's ok not to want a break from your first if you don't want one, I can remember with dewy eyes not wanting my first out of my sight, the poor second one got palmed off on anyone(!), you do the class if you want to, then invite her round to show her some massages she can do at home with you, if she's not happy with that she only wants the showy "oh look at me, aren't I the best gran ever" role, not the actual doing role!

[BrianButterfield]

I've seen plenty of grandmothers at playgroups and generic play/chat type baby groups but never at baby massage or baby sign. It's really a parent-child bonding thing.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

Goes right up there with of batty MIL behaviour with the woman who tried to breastfeed her grandchild.

[minklundy]

Yy to pp saying maybe suggest something more appropriate. Swimming etc.

Baby massage is ok. But actually imo does more to bond mothers to babies than vice versa if that makes sense. Maybe becausr i did it at post natal depression centre. One of dt screamed all the way through it every week. Reflux.

[TheXxed]

A MIL tried to breastfeed her grandchild

[Italiangreyhound]

YA NOT BU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is no way I would allow anyone else to take my baby to a mum and baby class to build a special bond with them! And I am pretty sure 99.99% of other mums would feel the same.

Just say no, it is not appropriate, You will be taking baby to any classes with you.

You said My DH gets where I am coming from, but thinks I am being a bit sensitive. He doesn't want to cause upset between himself and his Mum which just pisses me off even more!

You most certainly are not being over sensitive at all. Your mother in law is frankly deluded if she things any one would be happy with this.

If you DH does not want to cause upset between himself and his mum then he can continue a good healthy happy son relationship with her and be the supportive and loving husband to you which hopefully his mum brought him up to be!

If it is reasonably truthful to drop in phrases like "You taught me to respect women and to love and care for my wife, so that is what I am doing in supporting her...." then that may be a way to go in smoothing the waters but do not cave in just to keep things calm. It won't work because such a massive sign of weakness at this time (as to let your MIL cart your baby off to a mum and baby group with her) would only signal more ridiculous and outrageous requests in future - IMVHO!

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

Google it and you'll find stories. Some MIL's are weirdos.

[fluffyraggies]

You've done the hard bit and said no. So that's done, and well done for that.

Now if she keeps pushing you'll have to do some pushing back. It's a class for mothers and baby. It's for mothers to chat and get together more than for the baby. Explain that to your DH (or get someone else to) and tell him you don't want upset and you're ''asking for his support on this please, as his wife and the mother of his child!

[iamusuallybeingunreasonable]

Plus you have a strained relationship you say, well it won't get any better if she thinks she can bowl all over you and direct your parenting, you don't need to be rude or push her out but she does need to know you are mum and what you are happy and comfortable with goes, and pre birth is so not the right time to be broaching this

[monkeytroubles]

I did a baby massage class with DD when she was tiny and the emphasis was very much on the maternal relationship and bonding with YOUR baby, I think that if any Grandparents had attended they would have felt very out of place to be honest. I think it's nice that she is excited and keen to spend time with the baby but she needs to realise that you are too and that your maternity leave is precious. It's a lot harder to squeeze in all these different baby classes and activities once you're back at work so you need to make the most of your time together. If there's something you want to do with your little one you shouldn't have to worry about treating on your MIL's toes! She can take him to the park like plenty of Grandparents do, she'll get over it in time.

[iamusuallybeingunreasonable]

And these classes are definitely for the mum at this young age, for you to get the most from your leave - ignore her, have a laugh about her silly suggestion with your dh, honestly can you visualise her surrounded by all these young mums and babies, she's going to look a right banana!

[museumum]

These classes are 90% for mums to bond with other mums, not the babies. In the early days is have felt put off a class with a grandmother in it.
One of my mum friends had her mil take over baby swimming after she went back to work at ten months and that's fine, we are all friendly with the mil and include her in coffee after etc. but in the first weeks it's all a bit raw and these groups are the only "safe space" to talk openly with other mums who are also recovering from childbirth and up all night etc.

[HicDraconis]

I'd say no to the mother and baby classes for several reasons.

The main one is that those classes are designed for you to get out and have some adult company in the day so you're not just talking to the baby, the TV, the walls and your partner when he/she arrives home. I found them invaluable to give my day (and my week) some structure, otherwise days blurred one into the next and I would have become seriously depressed (or at least, more than I did).

Secondary reasons involve you making "mum friends", being able to have a gripe in the changing rooms about lack of sleep / difficulty feeding / lack of help from partners / lack of or too much involvement from family - basically all those negative things that you think you're going through alone but in reality everyone else is going through as well - you get the reassurance that you and your baby are normal! Getting you out of the house and giving you some fresh air is always a benefit. For baby signing, learning the signs along with your baby is a good way for you both to get to know how each other communicates - I have a friend who signs with her toddler and while I can't understand his speech yet, he can communicate with his mum in signs really well.

However don't write your MiL off just yet. It's great that she wants to be an involved grandmother and as previous posters have said, you may need the break for an hour or so a week! Find something that she can do with the baby to make it "granny time", whether it's the park or stories at the library or baby swimming while you have a hot chocolate in the cafe. I didn't involve my MiL in my sons' lives as much as I could have done and now they don't really know her at all. My DH says this is not a bad thing but I do sometimes regret how our situation has turned out.

[lem73]

She's had her turn. Your turn to enjoy your baby. Is she jealous of your relationship with your dh by any chance?

[GothMummy]

My inlaws took my DS to library rhyme time every other week and I was OK with that but baby massage and baby sign really are for mums primarily, to promote bonding.

Is she a bit over excited about the baby?

[wigglesrock]

If you don't want her to do it, that's fine but it's not that strange for a granny to take her child to a baby/toddler group. My mum took my youngest from about 3 months, there would be more grannys and grandas at the baby/toddler group my kids went to than parents. One of them also takes her granddaughter to a baby massage class on a different day.

[Italiangreyhound]

brererabbit you said It does sound lovely and you may be glad of the hour or two to yourself in a few months once a week.

It is very good that you see the best in this, I am afraid I only see it as very intrusive in what is a special time for parents. The massage classes in our area were NHS run and very hard to get onto and I would be surprised if the NHS ones were for grandparents. But there are other options like baby singing for children who are a bit older (maybe sitting up age - of course the parents do the singing).

Also, not all new parents need time to themselves right at the start, and if they do it would be at a time that is convenient to them and not a time that is dictated by the local baby massage group! In our area the only people who got onto our group were women who had had a fairly difficult birth because the massage was meant to help with bonding.

delilahrose for what it is worth I did the massage course and my baby screamed the place down and I ended up (in tears) in a sort of cupboard area trying to now upset the other babies most of the time!

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"My DH gets where I am coming from, but thinks I am being a bit sensitive. He doesn't want to cause upset between himself and his Mum"
FFS, what is it with married men who don't get that their priority relationship is with their WIFE and not their mother? If his mother upsets his wife, he stands by his wife. If mummy is upset by that, he stands firm. He's supposed to be an adult!

[AmantesSuntAmentes]

I'd tell her to back off right now and set the scene for a beautiful relationship, in which you have ultimate say over your baby and she learns from the start that you won't be undermined. Baby massage and baby signing are intimate mum and baby things

[CalleighDoodle]

Yanbu. I would never have trusted mil with my newborns. HOWEVER, you will be exhausted and it is 90 mins of nap time for you

[FishWithABicycle]

MIL is being a bit weird, but don't worry for a moment that there is any chance of her succeeding in her mad scheme.

tbh you may well be grateful if there is a once-a-week slot where MIL takes the baby to an activity for 45 minutes, so don't knock the idea on the head entirely - but not until he/she is at least 3 or 4 months old.

45 minutes a week doing a singing group with grandma is not going to surplant you in the baby's affections though.

She shouldn't bother with a sing&sign group though unless you are also going to a sing&sign group (so the baby goes twice a week and you and grandma each go once) because sing&sign only gets anywhere if the signing is reinforced throughout the week between sessions so it really makes no sense for someone other than the primary carer to do it.

Repeat as many times as necessary "You've had your turn at being a mum. It's your turn to be grandma now, and my turn to be mummy"