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AIBU?

mil and mother and baby class

203 replies

delilahrose2014 · 30/12/2014 19:31

My baby isn't due for another 8 weeks yet but my MIL has asked that when he is born she wants to take him (without me) to a mother and baby class where they do baby massage and baby sign language. She wants to do this so that she will develop a 'special bond' with him. I have said that I don't want this to happen and this has upset her and caused tension with the extended family.

AIBU about what will be my precious first born or is she getting too involved? I feel like this kind of thing I should be doing with my son, and something I want to make the most of doing whilst off on my maternity leave. I am terrified the baby will prefer her or bond with her.

Myself and MIL have quite a strained relationship, I think she is quite passive aggressive.

OP posts:

Report

grannytomine · 30/12/2014 21:02

StillStayingClassySanDiego, I know I was asked and she wasn't, my point was people being horrified that someone who isn't the mother would dare to go to a mother and baby class. I actually think it is quite a sexist title to be honest, what about dad?

TobyLerone · 30/12/2014 21:02

What garlic said. This is about control. You have to stamp on it, OP.

grannytomine · 30/12/2014 21:03

Just thought my son takes my youngest grandchild to a mother and baby swimming class, started when he was about 8 weeks old. He gets on great with the mums there, so much so that DIL now goes to supervise!

museumum · 30/12/2014 21:04

Also ebf babies in their first few months often feed through most classes. Mine certainly did.
I was happy to leave my ds with dh quite early on for a couple of hours but it had to be right after a feed, not at a pre-arranged x o'clock.

girliefriend · 30/12/2014 21:05

I think its weird that she has thought about this and said something about it to you and others before the baby is even born

Might be slightly different a few months years down the line, its nice she wants to be involved but her timing is off by a lot!!

SanityClause · 30/12/2014 21:10

It's only the signing I'd have a problem with, and if you also learnt the same signing, at a different time, it wouldn't be an issue. But if you don't want to learn signing, perhaps suggest a different thing she could do. You have already expressed a willingness for her to do different classes. If she is happy to compromise, all will be well.

GraysAnalogy · 30/12/2014 21:10

Not half some reading between the lines here

lem73 · 30/12/2014 21:11

Is it possible that because things like this weren't around in her day, she wants the chance to experience them?

Droflove · 30/12/2014 21:14

Shes gone about this a bad way. In reality, it might be the case that when the baby is big enough to be minded, you will be delighted for granny to take baby off for a few hours and do some activity with them. Saying this to you now just smacks of being a bit too keen to be sensitive about how she says this! I honestly don't know your mil but if shes like mine (a lovely helpful person who actually doesn't cross the line) I would have no problem with her doing these classes with my little ones and she had in fact taken them to mums and tots groups etc. I've been delighted that they have gotten out of the house to spend quality time with granny! So don't take too much offence now, she probably didn't mean it to sound like that.

Boomtownsurprise · 30/12/2014 21:15

Fwiw in four years over two kids at various baby classes I have only ever seen grandparents at "stay and play" type. Not sensory stuff. Swimming yes too. Her suggestion is weird.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 30/12/2014 21:15

The issue is NOT that she asked (weird though).

The issue, which is disturbing and doesn't bode well for the future, is her response to your reluctance. Drama, upset, dragging other family members in to it. It is for this reason that you need to stand strong OP.

quietbatperson · 30/12/2014 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GraysAnalogy · 30/12/2014 21:18

all we know so far is that 'this has upset her and caused tension with extended family'

That could mean anything. Perhaps more details would be better before we vilify the MIL further.

I hardly ever stick up for the MIL in these situations because mine isn't the best, but I think the replies so far have been OTT.

Not saying the OP is unreasonable mind, she's very reasonable.

1944girl · 30/12/2014 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

middlings · 30/12/2014 21:19

While on the surface it may seem like a normal request, let's be honest there are a few red flags. The big one, and only one that matters though, is that the OP's MIL has taken the hump and other family members are getting involved.

Back. Off. Everyone. This baby isn't here yet and they're already putting the OP under pressure.

OP, you need DH onside sharpish and consistently. Smile and ignore all aggro and rudeness.

delilahrose2014 · 30/12/2014 21:23

She is upset because she wants to do the class with the baby so she can bond with the baby. I have said no to the class, not to her bonding with my baby. However the first few months because I go back to work will be so special and important to me that I want to be doing the classes.

She has told her sister and her Nieces that I am trying to prevent her having time with the baby. Who will be MY new born baby, not hers. I would never stop her seeing him but she needs to take a step back.

OP posts:

delilahrose2014 · 30/12/2014 21:25

She is upset because she wants to do the class with the baby so she can bond with the baby. I have said no to the class, not to her bonding with my baby. However the first few months because I go back to work will be so special and important to me that I want to be doing the classes.

She has told her sister and her Nieces that I am trying to prevent her having time with the baby. Who will be MY new born baby, not hers. I would never stop her seeing him but she needs to take a step back.

OP posts:

TobyLerone · 30/12/2014 21:25

Quite right, OP.

MonstrousRatbag · 30/12/2014 21:26

Don't even bother discussing it with wider family, if any of them is silly enough to raise it.

Your MIL sounds tiresome, but don't circle the wagons completely. She'll probably calm down. I do think your DH should talk all this over with her though, and point out how off her reaction has been.

Enjoy your mat leave, play things by ear and see if there is some other way of keeping MIL involved. But don't feel obliged to let MIL have your child without you there, as so many seem to want. There is plenty of time for that when your child is older.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 30/12/2014 21:29

Based on your last post she is being manipulative and a bit of a cow.

He's your's and dh's baby so as Mum you can tell her to bugger off and stop foot stamping it's not happening.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 30/12/2014 21:29

These days with science as it is it's never too late for her to investigate ivf, sounds like she needs a hobby of not, your baby your rules, she needs to back off, oh these women annoy me with their entitlement, they truly have forgotten what it's like to be a first time mum

AntiHop · 30/12/2014 21:33

Breast feeding on demand is the best excuse to stop this from happening. My dd is 4 months and I can never predict when she's going to be hungry so I wouldn't be able to plan for dd to be away from me for someone to take her to class without me as she may need to feed.

Expressing isn't the easy answer it might sound like. On a couple of occasions my dp has taken her out to give me a break but they don't go very far away as we didn't know if the expressed milk would be enough and sometimes she refuses to take a bottle.

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ZingTheGreat · 30/12/2014 21:37

delilah

I have never went to these classes with any of my kids btw and nor did grandparents so I'm guessing there are other ways to bond with a baby...can your MIL comprehend that?

but of course it is about control. which is and will remain in your hands.

whatever you will or won't do when baby is here is unpredictable. I can not brlieve she would be this pushy, bossy and bullying.
you will need time to see how things go - there's no way what she wants could be promised to her even if you wanted it!

how she treated you by bitching to others is plain nasty and not even PA, just aggresive.
your DH needs to man up.

Thymeout · 30/12/2014 21:38

I'm very surprised at the outrage on this thread. Would it be different if it were dm rather than dmil?

Some of the classes I took my dgd to might well have been called Grandparents and Baby, the number of gps who were there doing childcare.

Why is there such paranoia about gp bonding with the baby? How on earth is she a threat, when she has the baby one hour a week and you'll have her 24/7? One day, perhaps quite soon, you will be very glad for your mil to have a bond with your baby. And fil and uncles and aunts and cousins. You will always be her mum, but she is part of a wider family.

Is it the massage? My dd was only too pleased when I massaged my dgc's tummy to get rid of her colic. She didn't think I was doing anything weird or loony.

Why don't you just say that you'd been looking forward to doing that class and you needed to learn the signing, but perhaps she'd like to do something else instead? Swimming, music, gym, whatever.

BlackeyedSantaStuckUpAChimney · 30/12/2014 21:39

were you not tempted to laugh and say that dh would be a bit big now to go to baby massage with her?

h better learn who should be his priority... hell of a lot more expensive and painful to upset you tahn his mother...

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