in thinking the SS have unreasonable expectations of me?

[2tired2cry]

My family are involved with SS.

Please be gentle with my about this as I beat myself up about it enough and am constantly being crushed by the guilt and pressure of the situation as it is.

I am currently retraining in a completely different area than my previous career since my exH left me and my previous job was incompatible with family life, always working holidays, split shifts, late nights etc.

I have 2 dc's, one of whom is severely mentally disabled, physically he is in perfect health so no hospital visits etc just a lot of work on communication and so on.

SS think that retraining and attempting to get a job is unreasonable. They consider this to be selfish and me 'putting myself first'. I have basically been told by them that they think I should stay at home and just be a full time carer for dc.

I can see why they feel this but my argument is how am I supposed to support myself and dc's when I am not working? Yes, I can exist on benefits for a while but
a) I don't want to
b) I want my dc's to have a working parent
c) Its better for my own mental health if I am working
d) what happens when all the child related benefits stop when the dc's turn 18 (tax credits etc) and I can't get a job because I haven't worked for years?

All I have asked them for is help with childcare so that I can continue to train/work like anyone else but they feel that because dc is disabled that I shouldn't be working/training?

Who is right here? I really feel it is the best thing for me to at least try and work, if only part time for now, whereas they really seem to feel that me doing this is wrong and I just cant see why.

I think if the children are thriving in childcare/school between 7 and 5pm, then it's fine. It's not like rolling in at 7pm! If you are collecting them at 5pm it means you can still cook tea for them, read stories, play with the kids, bathe them and put them to bed

In the dark - you're describing a back log of washing. And of course there are different types of back logs - a weeks worth in a busy household with smelly with football kits and a bedding change going on wouldn't be shocking. No bedding on the beds overnight and no clean clothes would raise attention a little

Can you nicely ask for a different SW? I do think you have to play along though.

I would pay extra for a report from the pre and after school care to highlight how the kids have developed well in their care. You mentioned speaking had improved. What else?

Id also ensure I was using my time economically and in a well managed/routine based fashion. So preparing slow cooker meals when the kids are in bed so that you can walk in your house after a long day and give kids 100%. Read, do homework, play board games, build Lego, go for a walk after tea together and so on. Save the tidy up for when they are in bed

blondebiker have you read the entire thread? There is a lot to this backstory and I don't think SW is concerned because OP has a weeks worth of unwashed clothes in a basket. These children Suffered quite severe neglect whilst OP was with the children's father and OP was apparently oblivious to this neglect due to her working pattern.
SS don't have time to make daily visits in cases where it is just a mum wanting to study. They also don't have the resources to consider removing children with disabilities without very good reason. It is a sad fact that some parents don't know how to / don't want to prioritise their children's needs and will blame everyone else (including SS) for their situation when things are not going the way they would like.

OP is also sending the children to spend Xmas with their father (apparently approved plan by SS). Would you send your children to spend Xmas with so embody who had neglected them so severely that they were deemed to be at risk and are subject to such significant safeguarding plans that you sometimes have 3 visits a day from services? I know I would be taking every legal action possible to ensure that the father didn't have any unsupervised access after what he has put the children through.

OP

Let's get something clear, are your children on a child protection plan?

Or are they on a CiN plan?

Now if it's the first, everything aside you cannot ignore the requests from SS, do so at your peril.

Now if it's the CiN plan, involvement is voluntary from your end and you can state you would like no further intervention at which point they can take it to legal and see if they meet the criteria for a CP plan.

Now if there are no other issues what so ever, aside from you wanting to work, no judge is going to give them permission to get an interim care order against you.

op is constantly battling with authority, be it her dc school, SW, ex etc. She needs to learn to work with those who are there to look out for the bets interest of her dc, even if at the expense of compromising ambition. OP sit down with the SW and then the team involved and discuss what the issues really boil down to and how you can adapt to fulfil their perception of what your family life needs to be . They won't willingly take away your dc, or any dc, without strong grounds but if you continue to act as if the world is against you, you are running that very risk. It really isn't just about childcare.

As Yesidid said there is a huge back story to this. The Op always blames someone else for the problems she has, her ex, the HV, the SS, the headmaster, the nurse, the ex Bf, etc. Everyone is out to get her and its all so unfair.

Unfortunately amongst all of this are two small boys who are looking at being taken into care unless their mother steps up...

Ok qualifying earlier advice somewhat. If you are being unfairly treated & the issue is around you disabled child/childcare - then complain & do your best to get a new SW. I do know families who have ended up unfairly with CP thrown at them when SW misunderstood disability related isdues - it happens. You need to get some professionals on board though. GP? school? Paediatrician?

However, if there have been serious child neglect issues then you need to listen. They can't just move the kids to your mother though - she would have to agree.

Do think about your career. Most science jobs are long hours out of the home. If your child is disabled or may be tricky (I run my own business from home). If you are retraining now you have the chance to retrain in something you can do from home.

Previously the OP has had very identifying information on her profile, and I know the town she lives a couple of miles away from, which incidentally has a FE college offering a science access course - OP why don't you transfer to the college a short bus ride away instead of the one 2 hours away? It might not be the exact same course, but you may have to compromise. There is a lot at stake after all. Also, coming from the same county as you, I am not sure there are lots of jobs available for scientists, what is your long term career goal?

Are you the poster who decided she wanted to be a forensic scientist after watching 1 too many episodes of CSI....????

OP I gathered from your other thread that your BF lives with you. Sorry if I have misunderstood.

Why can't you get a job that you don't have to study this long for?

I could understand retraining if you had a decent chance of a job at the end of it, but this just sounds like you want the luxury of being able to do the sort of study that childless school leavers do, and I don't see why you should have that when you have children to support.

Retrain and get a better job by all means, but either do it when you don't have children that are financially dependant on you, or choose the quickest possible route.

Stop using 'study' as an excuse not to live up to the responsibilities you have right now.

OP what is the financial consequence of pulling out of your course now, with a view to restarting next Sept, as you understand it?

Ah, worked out who the op is too now,after a bit of searching.

OP, you really need to calm and think about things. Yes,social services are annoying,but they have concerns and you do not seem to take anything seriously. You jump in and out of things, including emotionally which doesn't seem too stable, among other things and I can kinda understand their concerns from the limited information I've managed to find.

Please get yourself some help. Get somebody who can attend meetings and appointments with you who can help you understand what is going so wrong.Hang fire on full time college for now.

I know some things are hard and there are times when you need to do something for yourself just to keep yourself up, but that's not a constant thing and shouldn't be when it means putting it above things that they are criticising you for.

How about using a bit of your carers allowance or the dla to fund a cleaner?

As for constant supervision, I'm afraid that's normal with an autistic. Don't take it too literally but yes you need to constantly supervise,locking yourself in your room crying over a man and leaving him to 'play' in a seperate room for hours on end isn't good.

Get some help

They have encouraged you to do a course and take a loan, and now are trying to force you off the coursr, leaving you penniless? Write to your Mp, complain to them and suggest they are lowering your kids' standard of living. This is little short of criminal!

SS have not (by my understanding) encouraged OP to take a loan and go to study, that was her own doing.

Point taken! In your position OP I would think realustically, dog grooming/walking, secretarial, etc that you can do locally with low start up costs. You are in the country how about wood crafts on ebay? I won'tcriticise you Op you sound stressed, confused and exhausted. Call your loan officer and your college, maybe they can help?

You'll be on call as a student midwife won't you?

In my mind I have decided that what we have here is a woman who has left her relationship, who moved out of the family home to work/be with new boyfriend maybe and hoped that her DH would look after the children. That didn't work out and she is now involuntarily solely responsible for these children and is stuck in a place she never banked on being when her relationship broke up. I'm guessing the relationship with the new Bf broke up when she has to return to look after her children though has now resumed. I think the college course is more looking for an out than anything else and I think behind it all she may feel that SS removing the children may not be the worst thing that may happen and would allow her to resume her new life where she left off. I could be totally off the mark, but that's what I've taken from it.

I think you are well of the mark Imscarlet She was in a relationship with the father but working away. Met the new bloke after,split,then recently got back together. There's much much more to it than the op has put here.

but she could change things with a little help and recognition. It's not easy with an autistic child, I think she just needs help understanding and accepting, aswell as with the issues that SS are concerned about. I also think she needs to see her doctor though

A few things struck me just from this thread OP

Firstly I think in a very difficult situation you have a strong and natural desire to do something to fix things and like many of us do have picked something within your comfort zone decided the course is it, and are probably investing far too much emotionally in it.

The fact that SS originally supported you must have made you very happy and feel that you could fix the situation you find yourself in.

But they changed their minds. Can kind of see why - Sorry!

1. The Dr thought you would benefit from AD's or counselling. You are doing neither. Yes quite entitled to say no to the ad's, sad the counselling the GP advised is out of the question, but could you focus your energy on sourcing an alternative?

1. You have a new relationship - again totally entitled to one, but will take up some of your time as will travelling from the course. It's also been on / off.

1. Christmas. The highlight of the year, all parents look forward to little one's faces lighting up on Christmas Day. With the neglect you had a perfect reason to keep little ones all to yourself over Christmas with maybe skype or a short visit to Daddy, but chose not to. Why? is I'm sure what SS are wondering.

In your shoes I'd forget the money, forget everything else and just concentrate on the kids. Given they appear to have already assessed your parents as suitable carers it seems you need to work very hard at co-operating with SS despite your feelings to keep them. Assume the fact grandparents are being discussed means ex isnt suitable and they are only happy for Christmas with his GF as sole carer.

All the best

Agree with trip trap. Op is struggling to cope with the sah role but given issues with.ss would be wisest to do as ss suggests in the medium term. You might be able to apply to family fund for driving lessons op.

Family Fund don't provide for driving lessons anymore Violet but there may be alternatives