in thinking the SS have unreasonable expectations of me?

[2tired2cry]

My family are involved with SS.

Please be gentle with my about this as I beat myself up about it enough and am constantly being crushed by the guilt and pressure of the situation as it is.

I am currently retraining in a completely different area than my previous career since my exH left me and my previous job was incompatible with family life, always working holidays, split shifts, late nights etc.

I have 2 dc's, one of whom is severely mentally disabled, physically he is in perfect health so no hospital visits etc just a lot of work on communication and so on.

SS think that retraining and attempting to get a job is unreasonable. They consider this to be selfish and me 'putting myself first'. I have basically been told by them that they think I should stay at home and just be a full time carer for dc.

I can see why they feel this but my argument is how am I supposed to support myself and dc's when I am not working? Yes, I can exist on benefits for a while but
a) I don't want to
b) I want my dc's to have a working parent
c) Its better for my own mental health if I am working
d) what happens when all the child related benefits stop when the dc's turn 18 (tax credits etc) and I can't get a job because I haven't worked for years?

All I have asked them for is help with childcare so that I can continue to train/work like anyone else but they feel that because dc is disabled that I shouldn't be working/training?

Who is right here? I really feel it is the best thing for me to at least try and work, if only part time for now, whereas they really seem to feel that me doing this is wrong and I just cant see why.

[2tired2cry]

Trollsworth, I have done everything they have asked me to, to the letter and the SW even admitted that. She also said I was doing my absolute best. Yet it still goes on.

[saintlyjimjams]

Go to your MP - this sounds like social work with more of an eye on the budget than what the children need.

And I'd put in a complaint (the only way I've got anywhere with SS is via complaints).

[Drinkstoomuchcoffee]

YANBU - and you sound like an amazing parent. It is in your best interests and that of your children to have a happy, fulfilled parent. In your case that will come about through re-training and working and having contact with other adults outside the home. If you stay at home, on benefits, against your will you are likely to become depressed and disgruntled and both you and your children will suffer. I have seen that happen to someone else in your circumstances. The SS agenda is all about short term savings. Don't let them divert you from the path you have chosen.

[2tired2cry]

There is no part time option on my course, its only a year long and finishes in June.

[DancingDinosaur]

Sounds strange re them removing the children. What was the direct payment for? Can you use the direct payment for wraparound care if your dc is at school all day? Would that cover it?

[2tired2cry]

Thank you drinks x

[LeftyLoony]

C&P from other thread (bear in mind there were a few ignorant comments)

Thing is that yes it is 'normal' for families with disabled children not to work or to have one parent at home. My kids go to special school and it's common there.

Our situation is far more complex - we have three children all who have disabilities and neither me or DH can work for various reasons - medical appointments, school appointments, hospital stays etc. Plus the fact two of them don't sleep most of the night so we have to catch up whilst they're at school.

But I did look into childcare. I'll educate people being as at least two people on this thread don't appear to have a clue about the difficulties of securing childcare for children with disabilities.

Where I live I found one childminder who would take one of my children, for double the usual rate - so £9 per hour.

It's not 'a little bit harder' it is monumentally difficult.

But OP you should have a choice here. Of course you should be able to study/work as required. As childcare is so much more difficult and expensive yes SS should assist with that.

Thing is though before my kids got into special school (I had to fight my local authority tooth and nail just for that) we didn't 'tick the box' to get any services from the child disability team. When they did start special school we ticked the box and earned a whole 2 hours a week respite. Any requests for further help, to enable us to work for example, are met with child protection threats.

Both me and DH hate not working. We're in a precarious situation benefits wise with all the cuts going on, and we can't make firm plans for the future. We'd far rather work but the support just isn't there.

SS will do anything to protect their budgets.

[2tired2cry]

Dancing, wrap around childcare is being paid for by the course so its not a question of cost so much its more that they feel they shouldnt be there in the first place.

[ILovePud]

It's all very well and good giving advice to stick to her chosen path but SS hold the power in this situation. OP have you posted about this before under a different name? Perhaps my perceptions are being coloured by what I am assuming to be previous threads by you, apologies if this is not the case. I'm not in anyway trying to criticise your choices or your rationale for making them, I'm just worried that you may be closer to losing your DC than you realise.

[DancingDinosaur]

Apologies op, I think I must be missing the point here. You want childcare and you've got some that is funded by the course. If its funded by the course then what do ssd have to do with it? As you're not asking for funding from them. Or are you?

[saintlyjimjams]

Social services so not get to act illegally.

If you put in a stage 1 complaint reminding them that they have a legal duty to provide you with support to work/study they may become more helpful.

It is unfortunately fairly usual for them to ignore their duties - more so now the cuts are in force.

Anyway how can they just remove your children and place them with your parents? Are your oarebts not allowed to say no?

Go to your MP - this is SS bullying/cost cutting at its worse.

I have found that complaints - when they have done something wrong - have given me the ear of the big bosses & then things start to happen.

[Lezprechaun]

Why did social services become involved in the first place? I have a severely disabled child and I am currently training to become a midwife which is a very intensive and demanding course yet I have no social worker involved and no professionals involved have expressed concerns as his care hasn't changed and he still attends appoinements etc. I have a feeling there is a backstory here and that concerns were raised for them to become so heavily involved that removing the children has become a threat.

[Mostlyjustaluker]

Op I have replied on your other thread. You should as mn to remove one of the threads.

[Viviennemary]

OP could you tell us exactly what you need re childcare and perhaps somebody will be able to advise the best way to go. If you're DC's are both at school I would imagine that it's before and after school. And if you're studying for a degree then you should get some of the school holidays but I appreciate not all of them.

[LeftyLoony]

Can I just say with regard to SS involvement there's not always child protection issues, please?

In our case it's because we have three children with multiple complex needs and because respite is provided (or was) we now have a social worker.

So do other families I know. They have no CP concerns either.
They're only wheeled out when we ask for extra help.

[saintlyjimjams]

We've had SS involvement for over 10 years. There are no CP concerns at all. It is usual for SS to be involved when a child is severely disabled. We have used them for plsyschemes, respite, house adaptations (we own our home) and now for transition to adulthood services. SS are an incredibly inportant agency when your child is disabled. Unfortunately the system is useless and even when you have a good SW (ours is fantastic & very ds1 centred) things take forever & are hard to organise. If you have a crap one, or a SW assistant you really have a mountain to climb.

[cansu]

I think there is the feeling amongst professionals that if you have a disabled child you should not work. I sometimes cannot take time off work to access the random appointments sent to me for my child with little flexibility in timings or days. The reaction is usually disapproving surprise that I can't just take time off that day. I work because I can't afford not to. I studied hard for years to qualify for my job. I have a mortgage I need to pay. I think that social services like other organisations simply see you as a carer and not an ordinary person with feelings needs and ambitions. People seem to think on here that the involvement of social services makes you a bad parent somehow and some of the posts on this thread make my blood boil. Whatever the circumstances the op is trying to better her family's situation and the soval worker should be trying to help her to do this. Having a parent with a decent job who can afford to take care of them is bound to be the best thing for the op children in the long run. Childcare is a nightmare for people with disabled children I have found it hugely stressful and expensive to get decent quality childcare for my ds and dd. op I think you may need to ask for their thoughts on this in writing or maybe see if you can have someone with you to witness these conversations.OP you have every right to study for a new career.

[2tired2cry]

Vivienne, in all honesty the only thing I need from them are the direct payments - I need someone who can provide reliable, consistent respite for my dc but I am aware that SS cannot necessarily provide this for me.

I just want to be left alone to get on with my life, all they do is make things worse!

Sometimes I get 3 visits a day, I dont know how long I can cope with this.

Feels like nothing I do is good enough.

They first became involved because DH was the main carer (while I worked full time) and was neglectful.

[saintlyjimjams]

Incidentally my son attends a special school & I can't think of a single family there that doesn't gave SS involved. It is not ususual.

Just to second someone else, we found it much easier to access SS support when ds1 moved from mainstream to special school. Now his SW is as important in his life as his teacher.

[BigChocFrenzy]

I keep reading on Mumsnet how SS will do anything to avoid removing children from parents.
If you have paid wraparound childcare from your course, what specifically do SS say are their reasons for threatening to remove your DCs ? Do they think the childcare is not professional / not geared to disabled DC / hours too short ? Do they have concerns dating back to your exH ? - because you say they would hand the DCs to your Parents , not him.

If SS can not state in writing why, then it may just be 1950s "the mother should have no life but DCs and house ..." bollocks.
You are trying to make a better future, via a 1-year training course, for your family. I would expect local or national gov depts to help - or at least not hinder - your attempts to avoid a life trapped on benefits.

[saintlyjimjams]

2tired - sorry I may have missed this earlier - do you have a SW from the children's disability team or from CP? If not from disability I would request a change & if they don't agree go to your MP for that.

[insanityscratching]

I think you need to be asking for a SW from the children with disabilities team who will hopefully be more understanding and supportive to your family's needs. Obviously if there are child protection issues as well then the current SW will also be involved but may be more understanding if the situation was explained the the CWD social worker.
Of course different areas have different criteria for whose children meet the need for a SW from the children with disabilities team and in our area purely because your child is in mainstream school would mean you wouldn't qualify even if the child has a statement giving full time support.
That would be my advice really as for working I have two disabled dc and have worked part time at times usually for my own sense of well being. I would never have managed full time simply because of the demands made from home.

[Dipankrispaneven]

Unless there are other grounds for removing your children, I suspect SS are bluffing as it would make their lives easier if you are at home all the time. They would never get a care order based solely on the parent retraining and planning to work, particularly if you have adequate care arrangements in place via the funding for your course.

[BigChocFrenzy]

I just read about your DH. But unless the DCs are being neglected now, 3 visits a day is bullying. If that really is the case, then do make an official complaint

[MammaTJ]

Things have slipped a lot in my house while I have been studying. No one is judging me for it though, they are just admiring the fact that I have got off my big fat arse and am doing something with a purpose!

I am lucky enough not to have the contradictory people who are Social workers in my life though.

I have no advice for you, but wish you well.