in thinking the SS have unreasonable expectations of me?

[2tired2cry]

My family are involved with SS.

Please be gentle with my about this as I beat myself up about it enough and am constantly being crushed by the guilt and pressure of the situation as it is.

I am currently retraining in a completely different area than my previous career since my exH left me and my previous job was incompatible with family life, always working holidays, split shifts, late nights etc.

I have 2 dc's, one of whom is severely mentally disabled, physically he is in perfect health so no hospital visits etc just a lot of work on communication and so on.

SS think that retraining and attempting to get a job is unreasonable. They consider this to be selfish and me 'putting myself first'. I have basically been told by them that they think I should stay at home and just be a full time carer for dc.

I can see why they feel this but my argument is how am I supposed to support myself and dc's when I am not working? Yes, I can exist on benefits for a while but
a) I don't want to
b) I want my dc's to have a working parent
c) Its better for my own mental health if I am working
d) what happens when all the child related benefits stop when the dc's turn 18 (tax credits etc) and I can't get a job because I haven't worked for years?

All I have asked them for is help with childcare so that I can continue to train/work like anyone else but they feel that because dc is disabled that I shouldn't be working/training?

Who is right here? I really feel it is the best thing for me to at least try and work, if only part time for now, whereas they really seem to feel that me doing this is wrong and I just cant see why.

Op,it was the way you wrote your post that appeared to be answering a specific question about your relationships.I asked,rather than make a statement.

Actually,your response to that 'you are making stuff up now's is showing a childish behaviour.Also one where you can't see what you are saying or not saying and how it is interpreted

When children have suffered neglect at the hands of a parent or carer the priority is to ensure they are receiving adequate emotional warmth and love, if SS feel your commitments are interfering with this I can totally see why they would be looking into removing your children as it could be out of the frying pan with their father and into the fire with you. And that's without touching on what the home conditions which you say have 'slipped' are like

Am I the only one who can't find the ops other threads?

Name change

We often see on MN the idea of "I want to go to university to create a decent life for my children", and it is admirable... but

• including a year long access course, a degree would take 4 years...!!! In Scotland it's 5 years with an access course.

• now something like 45% of school leavers go to university. The jobs market is saturated as "everyone" has a degree. To stand out in many jobs - esp "science" you need AT LEAST a masters.... So add on at least another year.

So SS are seeing this as at least a 5 year transition and retraining period.

On what seems like a bit of a whim of "wanting to be a scientist".

5 years of hugely long days, assignments, exams, practicals.... For someone with a history of non- commitment. With known mental health issues, and disabled, recently neglected children...

Who lives isolated from all support networks.

And who lives physically isolated with no transport.

Yet again on MN, how much of the problems you are having are about not being able to drive..!! Would you need the childcare if you could get there and back under your own steam..??

This " I want to go to university and become a well paid scientist" is verging on fantasy.... And for someone needing a lot of work on the basics, now is definitely not the time - according to the people who know your situation much much better than we do - and who legally are charged with the care and protection of your children.

2tired for whatever reasons SS believe that you need to be home for your children for the time being. I would say that really you have no choice but to do as they want if you want to keep your children and eventually get SS out of your life so to speak. I know you think it's unfair but I would say suck it up prove to SS you are the mother your dc need just now. Maybe look into courses through the OU or find a little part time job during school hours to do something for you but fighting SS rather than engaging with them won't be doing you or your dc any favours.

Because Tinks, you cant just transfer from a college course onto a uni course. And if I leave my course, as I've said several times now, I will be in financial difficulties.

If I'm doing a course which is partly practical I would still need to travel to somewhere they have the facilities.

No NC, there really isnt anywhere closer or I wouldnt have chosen to go to one further away. I am fitting my attendance around my childcare.

I cant move, I'm still paying money I borrowed from the council to move into my current property and I really dont want to change dcs school, I think that would be more detrimental to them than going into ASC 2/3 times a week.

This is so much more than social services asking you to give up your course. Your children were severely neglected, this is a big bloody deal.

I want to just say that online courses still need you to actually study. It's bloody difficult to look after children full time on your own 24/7 and still complete a degree. I'm not sure an online course is the answer to everything here.

OP, how would you feel if you do press ahead with this and SS do remove children?

OP, I remember your previous threads, and I suspect SS have concerns about this course at this time, given the challenges it involves, rather than saying 'you can never go to college and must never think of yourself.'

The neglect was pretty recent, and you've had a lot of problems since then, including disagreements with the school, the breakup with your ex-husband, another traumatic breakup with your boyfriend etc.

SS are going to be looking to see you giving your children absolute priority in the short-term before they're going to think about supporting any changes or new challenges in the long term.

I think you need to have a proper talk with your SW about their views on the best way forward for you as a family. Don't keep presenting them with new ideas and changes - ask them how they see their role in supporting you and your children in the future, and what resources are available. Ask them what they would ideally like to see over the next year, two years and five years.

Reading between the lines, you left your partner and children to move several hundred miles away with your new boyfriend (how long had you known him), when social services got involved you moved back.

Might be why SS think you put your needs before your children's

Even if you leave the course now you will only start repaying the loan once you are earning over £21k pa and he repayment amounts are very low. Having to repay the loan is not a good reason to not put your children's needs first. £5k is not much in comparison to losing your children.

There is much more to this than the OP has presented.

People are very kindly giving you advice OP, why don't you tell them exactly what has gone on and SS (and other agencies) concerns so they can advise you correctly?

But I know you won't, you present stuff a certain way, drip feed other pertinent facts so people cotton on, then you get defensive and start being the marytr.

As the parent of DC with SN, PLEASE stop saying your problems and SS involvement is due to their disabilities as it's bollocks, from your other threads. I don't want to pass stuff on from previous threads as I think it's bad form, but so is presenting things in a way which isn't true and wasting people's time. Why did you name change? I guess so people can't look and call you on your previous posts, but people will remember you.

You need to quit the course and focus on getting things up to scratch at home.
Your DC are presumably both at school so you HAVE got time to study in term time whilst they are at school.Why not start an OU degree once you have got on top of things.

For the poster who said that online studying may not be ideal; well of course it isn't. But the OP is a single parent (with a live in BF?) with serious issues who is being heavily monitored by SS. A course of study under these circs would be the least of my worries. My priority would be doing whatever SS required in order for me to keep my children with me. If I think the OP is who she is from previous threads then the her AIBU is very misleading, there are very concerning issues that the OP has omitted.

Well no Kirsty that is not what happened at all, not even slightly.

Toohasty, I do study in term time while the children are at school. That is exactly what I do.

Madmum, when did I say he lived with me?

YesIdid, I have not said that SS are involved due to dcs disability, not once. Sorry if you misunderstood me but I did not say that.

There is clearly a lot you are not saying which makes it impossible for anyone to advise you as they don't know all the facts. It sounds like you have made some poor decisions in the past and not put your children first and so I can see why they are concerned about this new course.

I also find it unbelievable that social services (and you) have allowed the children to spend christmas with the man who neglected them so severely social services were forced to step in. Is this arrangement because you want to be with your boyfriend at Christmas as opposed to your children?

I think you need to play ball with social services, there is lots of back story we all don't know and really your children are worth more than this course or the loan you may have to repay. Studying can come later but if you loose your children that cannot be undone. I suggest you think long and hard as to wether this is worth losing your children over.

So I don't think that this can be simply an issue of SS expecting mums of children with disabilities to stay at home.

This is true. I did a degree whilst being parent to children one of whom had severe disabilities and a social worker from the disabled children's team. The SW did some homework and helped me find a suitable childminder for a couple of days after school. The social worker fully supported by decision to study and now fully supports by decision to not go to work and use my degree because my child's condition has worsened.
Even when I was in my final year of study and owing almost £20k in student debt I would have given up the course if needed (and almost did but got some special allowances from uni to enable me to complete the last few months).
As the thread has gone on I have come to realise that OP is being advised not to study for very good reason. She didn't meet her children's needs previously, is still under SS supervision to rectify things and is continuing to put her own desires before her children's needs. I think I do recall some of the previous threads and if OP is who I think she is she has form for not taking any responsibility and blaming everyone else for things that have not gone well.
It is actually quite difficult to get a social worker in some areas when you have a disabled child and even then visits and meetings are usually six weekly at most. The fact OP is being visited daily is very telling.

^had a social worker (I was not parent to one [

A SW would be mad to note a pile of washing. A pile of washing surrounded by needles and poo yes but a pile of washing on its own?! Why?!

Unless the pile of washing means there are no clean clothes or clean bedding or has been there so long that it stinks.