in thinking the SS have unreasonable expectations of me?

[2tired2cry]

My family are involved with SS.

Please be gentle with my about this as I beat myself up about it enough and am constantly being crushed by the guilt and pressure of the situation as it is.

I am currently retraining in a completely different area than my previous career since my exH left me and my previous job was incompatible with family life, always working holidays, split shifts, late nights etc.

I have 2 dc's, one of whom is severely mentally disabled, physically he is in perfect health so no hospital visits etc just a lot of work on communication and so on.

SS think that retraining and attempting to get a job is unreasonable. They consider this to be selfish and me 'putting myself first'. I have basically been told by them that they think I should stay at home and just be a full time carer for dc.

I can see why they feel this but my argument is how am I supposed to support myself and dc's when I am not working? Yes, I can exist on benefits for a while but
a) I don't want to
b) I want my dc's to have a working parent
c) Its better for my own mental health if I am working
d) what happens when all the child related benefits stop when the dc's turn 18 (tax credits etc) and I can't get a job because I haven't worked for years?

All I have asked them for is help with childcare so that I can continue to train/work like anyone else but they feel that because dc is disabled that I shouldn't be working/training?

Who is right here? I really feel it is the best thing for me to at least try and work, if only part time for now, whereas they really seem to feel that me doing this is wrong and I just cant see why.

[YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually]

OP if you're the poster I'm thinking of, and by your post OP comments I think you are, people need to be aware there is a huge backstory to this (isn't there always!) and I would be wary of either minimising the situation by aren't SS awful hair stroking (albeit well intentioned) or engaging with the OP on the assumption she has given a full and accurate picture.

Apologies if you're not who I think you are OP. Did you have an issue with the head teacher previously? I don't want to out you or drag other threads over but you're being a bit disingenuous here, if you are who I think you are.

[Viviennemary]

On reflection I wonder if the people from the SS are worried that you might be taking on too much and with all those balls juggling in the air you might be under too much stress. Because taking on a demanding course as well as caring as a single parent to two children one of whom has extra needs. This wouldn't be easy for anyone.

[BigChocFrenzy]

Unfortunately, although wealthy people like Cameron serenely continue ft careers with disabled DCs, plebs have to fight for everything.

Why have SS and the schoold backtracked on your training ? Is it minor issues like that pile of washing, which can be corrected, or was there a more serious problem ?
If your GP says you don't need counselling, he is far better qualified than SS. However, if that is their sticking point, you'll have to organise it.

You are entitled to ask for a Carer's Plan, specifically for you, not just the DCs.
So, tell them your aim of studying and that it was originally approved. Also, explain the effect another 5k debt will have on the family standard of living. See if together you can work out a plan to enable your study, stating exactly what you are required to do for this.

. If now you only need weekend respite, maybe your parents could do this. Or can it wait until you are qualified and can pay ? Tough, but sounds like SS feel you should sort this yourself.

. If SS say they are specifically worried about you, could you leave the DCs with your parents for the entire course and stay over each weekend ? Might be better for you to plan this respite, rather than if SS force it. Just being a student would be much less stressful, e.g. no SS harassment.
Once you are qualified, you would be in a MUCH stronger position.

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

I think I know who OP is too and I don't think it's anywhere near as straightforward as SS just wanting to stop the OP working.

[randomAXEofkindness]

"Random, my dcs will benefit by having a mother who isnt horribly depressed, isolated and suicidal"

I imagine that this particular argument itself would have alarm bells ringing for the ss. You've said that you are not experiencing any mental health difficulties. You have refused counseling sessions and antidepressants. But you are of the opinion that the only thing standing in the way of you being so horribly depressed that you might commit suicide is the fact that you are on a course you like outside of the house.

That could change. Things do. What is going to happen to your children if it does?

"If I don't do the exact specific thing that I want, when I want to, then everything is doomed and I'll probably be suicidal", is not a normal point of view.

Nobody has said that you shouldn't get out of the house, socialise, study, work - it is possible to do all of these things during school time (many people do).

[Meechimoo]

Seriously, just do what social services ask.
I remember your previous posts and I think SS are spot on here.

[NC132]

I think I know who the OP Is also, if I am correct she believes all professionals - SW, Head, school nurse etc hate her. Perhaps working with the agencies instead of thinking they are out to get you for no reason might get you somewhere? If you want to do FE why don't you compromise your course choice and go to a college closer to you?

[stillenacht1]

Am having a similar thing with SS. I totally understand xx

[MonoNoAware]

Just wanted to say I believe your story and it is desperately unfair on so many levels.

I can't give advice as only you will know whether this is a case of letting them mither and protect their back until June, or whether there is a real risk of your children being removed. Good luck.

[Levismum]

I'm not familiar with the op. But I am in a similar situation. I've got 2 ds with ASD & ADHD. 1 in special school. 1 on a reduced timetable in mainstream, was excluded twice this moth for a total of 7 days between the 2 exclusions.

I get restpite for my older child. Younger one currently going through assessment for an EHC plan.

My older ds carer took annual leave last week. He told me the day he was taking it. My ds has almost 4 weeks off school. So I called the carer's manager. They don't cover annual leave. They have no spare carers at Christmas.
My boys can't cope in a playscheme. They both have constant 1-1 whilst in school. Older boy is medicated. Younger boy will eventually need to be too.

We don't havea social worker not even a family support worker. I can't get out of the house with both boys. Exdp is working every day except Christmas day. I have no family locally. No friends close enough to help out for an hour.
No one cares. It's all about money. They are just a financial issue to SS & the LEA. Most days I think it's all a waste of time. They will very likely end up in prison or hospital. They are unlikely to live independently. I had to give up a very good job when Exdp left.
It's shit. I'm sorry if that makes people uncomfortable it how it is. I generally feel I'm totally wasting my life bringing the boys up. If i had any choice I wouldnt. Ultimately I would need to put them into care not to do it & guilt gets the better off me. Even I'm better then the useless care system in the UK.

[Inthedarkaboutfashion]

www.gov.uk/advanced-learning-loans/further-information

OP: I have posted a link about the type of loan that I think you have taken for your studies. If it is this type of loan then you won't need to start repaying it until you are earning £21k even if you left the course (you don't repay them at all if you go on to uni). I really think that it might be in the best interest of yourself and your children if you consider changing course to one nearer home or for less study hours or postpone the course until you are in a better position from a practical and childcare point of view.

Im not really sure whether you need help from SS due to the time spent travelling to and from your course or whether it is so that you can spend some 1:1 time with your NT able child as your posts seem to say different things. If it is the former then it is not a SS issue. If it is the latter then it could be argued that it is a SS issue as siblings of disabled children are children in need in their own right and are entitled to their own assessment of needs.
It does seem that everything is complicated because the SS involvement is from a child protection point of view rather than a child with disability point of view. safeguarding children will always be the priority for children with disabilities as it is very important as they are more vulnerable than other children. However it is important that your family get the support they need to cope with the disability as well. I don't know what levels of support are currently in place but as you wined having 3 visits a day some days it does seem like multiple agencies are involved. It is important to remember that as annoying as some of these visits may seem to be they are for the purpose of supporting you and your children to provide the best outcomes for the children.
Could you consider deferring the course or switching to studying with the OU (which have less formal entry requirements) in order that you can manage everything that is currently going on?
Whilst I do understand your own personal needs to continue with the studying, I'm not sure that it is in the best interests of your children or yourself in the short term.

[randomAXEofkindness]

Levismum, that's shit, I'm really sorry. I hope things get better for you x

[Inthedarkaboutfashion]

have just searched your name and see that you started a thread today about spending Christmas with your new BF.

If that is accurate then I can see why SS are questioning OPs ability to prioritise her children's needs.

[OpiesOldLady]

My situation is hugely different to yours, but the gist of it is, that my local SS DO pay childcare costs. They have been paying for my youngest daughter to go to nursery 8.30am-4pm twice a week for the past 14 months, and my youngest son they paid the same days until he started full time school last September. They did it because we were/are in a hugely difficult and stressful situation, and I am a single parent of four children, three of which have additional needs.

[effinandjeffin]

Agree with pp that there may be more than meets the eye to this issue than what's outlined in the OP. It all sounds very familiar and I don't think it's as clear cut as it might first appear.

[Inthedarkaboutfashion]

Opies: are they paying that as early intervention / family support to prevent crisi? It isn't unusual to have child care paid for those reasons but not to facilitate work / study.

[2tired2cry]

Inthedark yes it is that kind of loan but on the very same page it says that you have o pay back any money already paid, plus interest, if you leave after 2 weeks. Plus all the transport etc grants I've been awarded.

Yes I am spending christmas with him but they children are visiting their dad, not sure how that is relevant? And yes, SS are aware of the plan and have approved it.

Monkey, it was for a few months and I saw them a few times but they visited me so I didn't see the home circumsances.

[Inthedarkaboutfashion]

^crisis

[Inthedarkaboutfashion]

They are spending Xmas with their dad who severely neglected them and SS approved the plan? Something doesn't seem right.

[OpiesOldLady]

No, we are already in huge crisis - they said it's to give me a break. TBH it was very much more their idea than mine.

[FloatIsRechargedNow]

Levismum it is shit, really shit but somehow, slowly, slowly it will get better. And it isn't a definite that your boys will end up in prison it really isn't. I know the mainstream exclusions and parallel social isolation really make you feel that way - my ds's last mainstream placement (highly unsuitable and against my wishes, and too tired to fight for a special school any more) insisted he was carted off to a police station when they completely mishandled a field trip. Ds was 9, he has ASD, everyone was shocked. The school system (never any SS involvement) and some big egos within it were criminalizing ds - labelling him as a criminal before he even had a chance. But at least he got his special school.

Fast forward. Ds is now 13. We were visiting someone in hospital today. A nurse came up and said how well behaved my son was. I say now how lucky I am to be very confident that my son is very unlikely to become a criminal - unlike the parents of most mainstream kids.

Sorry for hijacking OP but Lm seems so sad.

[ILovePud]

I've just seen that thread about spending Christmas with your BF, I'm not going to go trawling through your post history but I do remember a few months back that concerns were expressed at the child protection meetings about your relationships with different men and you saying you were single and concentrating on your kids. It must be awful to have your life scrutinised by professionals like that (and you can post what you want here - don't have to justify yourself to strangers on the internet) but I really hope that your not trying to bullshit SS in the same way. It will bite you in the ass and if they think you're concealing things like your relationship status, they will start questioning what else you are concealing. I'm not having a go at you, I'm really not but as someone else said sympathy and people agreeing with you on the basis of very partial information will not help you if that helps you justify not doing what SS are demanding of you.

[2tired2cry]

YesIDid, I'm not being disingenuous I just don't want to go over the whole thing all over again, I'm sick of being given a verbal kicking over and over, I just wanted to ask about this specific issue but apparently that isn't ok.

As I said, I know I'm a piece of shit who doesn't deserve to have children already, no need for anyone to keep reminding me.

Random - I don't want to take mind altering drugs. Even prescribed ones. I'm not going to put something in my body I don't want to just because SS think I should, its nothing against them I know several people who take them long term I just don't want to for me.

As I have said, several times, I did not refuse counselling. I would have liked it at the time but it was not an option because of the aforementioned reasons and SS wouldn't help. Being physically unable to go to counselling is not the same thing as refusing it.

I haven't said I'm suicidal to SS, because I'm not. I said I was feeling like that but now I'm not. Things do change, they probably will again and I'm in a much better place than I was this time last year, as the GP will attest to.