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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in thinking the SS have unreasonable expectations of me?

235 replies

2tired2cry · 23/12/2014 12:45

My family are involved with SS.

Please be gentle with my about this as I beat myself up about it enough and am constantly being crushed by the guilt and pressure of the situation as it is.

I am currently retraining in a completely different area than my previous career since my exH left me and my previous job was incompatible with family life, always working holidays, split shifts, late nights etc.

I have 2 dc's, one of whom is severely mentally disabled, physically he is in perfect health so no hospital visits etc just a lot of work on communication and so on.

SS think that retraining and attempting to get a job is unreasonable. They consider this to be selfish and me 'putting myself first'. I have basically been told by them that they think I should stay at home and just be a full time carer for dc.

I can see why they feel this but my argument is how am I supposed to support myself and dc's when I am not working? Yes, I can exist on benefits for a while but
a) I don't want to
b) I want my dc's to have a working parent
c) Its better for my own mental health if I am working
d) what happens when all the child related benefits stop when the dc's turn 18 (tax credits etc) and I can't get a job because I haven't worked for years?

All I have asked them for is help with childcare so that I can continue to train/work like anyone else but they feel that because dc is disabled that I shouldn't be working/training?

Who is right here? I really feel it is the best thing for me to at least try and work, if only part time for now, whereas they really seem to feel that me doing this is wrong and I just cant see why.

OP posts:
Inthedarkaboutfashion · 23/12/2014 20:07

No, we are already in huge crisis - they said it's to give me a break.
It's not unusual for childcare to be paid for in cases like yours for crisis intervention. It isn't the same as paying for childcare so somebody can go to work or college.

monkeyandlion · 23/12/2014 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
2tired2cry · 23/12/2014 20:11

SS know about my relationship. I was single for a while. Now I'm not. Doesn't mean I'm hiding anything and bullshitting anyone Hmm

And yes, they did approve them seeing their father. He is working now and has a new gf so I assume SS are happy with the situation. They have done the relevant checks beforehand and are being checked on while they stay with him so its fine.

OP posts:
YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 23/12/2014 20:11

And there you go.........

Original poster
2tired2cry · 23/12/2014 20:13

Sorry Monkey, the specific issue was aibu to want to study and work so I can improve things in the long term for all of us, especially since I have set up childcare that is appropriate for my dcs while I do it. SS seem to think I am bu and should stay at home all the time while I disagree.

OP posts:
Original poster
2tired2cry · 23/12/2014 20:13

What do you mean Yes?..

OP posts:
BigChocFrenzy · 23/12/2014 20:15

LevisMum Very sorry to hear your story.
Flowers
It's terrible that so many mothers of disabled DCs are forced to abandon good careers and exist hand to mouth - and that so many "fathers" bugger off and leave them to do it all.

Float Your 9-yr-old dragged to a police station Shock ! Outrageous. I hope Ofsted penalised that school for handling a vulnerable child so badly.
So good to hear he is doing well now

Tinks42 · 23/12/2014 20:17

And the answer is do your studying whilst the children are at school full time. SS would not say you couldnt do this whilst they were there, so I just dont get where you're coming from.

randomAXEofkindness · 23/12/2014 20:17

I thought you'd been with your bf for over a year 2tired? How long have the ss actually been involved?

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 23/12/2014 20:18

But the issue of whether you studying is unreasonable is related to what's going on in your life presently and the two can't be separated

insanityscratching · 23/12/2014 20:18

Could it be that SS want to ensure that you and your dc have strong attachments and think that to do that it would be preferable, for now, that you concentrate on them rather than something to distract yourself? Your dc have obviously experienced a lot of upheaval and changes in caregiver maybe it's felt that a period of stability is what is needed for now.

Original poster
2tired2cry · 23/12/2014 20:22

I do do my studying while the children are at school, its the travelling there and back that is out of school hours and there are no other venues closer to me to study at. This is the time that I need the ASC.

Yes I have, we broke up for a few months over the summer. Since before ex & I split so over a year.

OP posts:
Original poster
2tired2cry · 23/12/2014 20:25

Insanity I was at home 24/7 after ex left so we had time to get stable again before I started retraining.

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 23/12/2014 20:26

You can't have it both ways OP. There are Open Courses that you can do on line that get totally funded. You will just have to change the course you are doing to be able to manage your family. There are many ways to gain an education these days and in your case this is what you will have to do for the time being.

Original poster
2tired2cry · 23/12/2014 20:28

But if I leave my course now I will be financially screwed! Which will benefit no one!

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 23/12/2014 20:29

So your new boyfriend was someone you were cheating on your kids dad with? You split and got back together.

And their dad neglected them,which you were not aware of,which you blame for the social services intervention,and yet they apparently think it's fine for them to spend Christmas with him because he had a job and a new girlfriend?

Hmm

You really need to look at the real situation not the one you have painted in your head,you are going to have problems if you don't.

You can't even respond to being asked about finding workers or suggestions to help you do so.

Blondebiker4685 · 23/12/2014 20:29

Can you move to where the course is with you're children? No commuting for you would solve issues.

Tinks42 · 23/12/2014 20:29

Why will you be financially screwed?

shouldnthavesaid · 23/12/2014 20:30

I've been told by social services that I was being selfish, sort of - why, because I wanted to have the elective surgery that I was scheduled for. Unfortunately, my mum happened to be admitted to hospital as an emergency two days before my surgery and I asked social services if they could help me with thing,s as sister is severely disabled and needs full time care. When I said I couldn't be at home because I'd be in hospital, I was asked to cancel my operation and was told that as it was elective, it wasn't necessary at the time! Was then told in a matter of words that I was selfish for sticking to my guns..

So it's not that I don't believe you, but I don't think that they feel you are selfish per se but they aren't there for you. Their involvement extends as far as protecting your children. On paper, it doesn't look great - divorced parents, one parent with mental health issues (even if previous), seemingly unwillingness to engage with agencies, new relationships (both parents), frequent attendance to childcare facilities..

Seriously - the only way you can sort this one out is to start engaging with them. Attend appointments. Keep up with your GP as necessary. Be at home for your children, or look for something that fits in with school hours. If you're studying, do you really have the time and energy to cope with the situation at home? Been there, done that, although not as a parent, not even fully resident at home, and I struggled big time.

I hate to say think of the kids but do, for now they have to be your upmost priority and to be honest, they probably always will be.

Blondebiker4685 · 23/12/2014 20:31

Even move your family temporarily close to the new college.

Tinks42 · 23/12/2014 20:33

If the OP is in social housing then that won't be possible, you cant just demand to live near the college. But what I dont understand is how you will be financially screwed by choosing to do a manageable on line course for now.

NC132 · 23/12/2014 20:36

If you split with your ex a year ago, and he was the cause of neglect why are SS still involved?

To answer your original AIBU - no you are not being unreasonable to want to work, but perhaps a course / job which fits in with school hours would be better for now, whilst everything else is going on. It does seem a long commute to college, 2 hours each way? Surely there must be a college closer or you can arrange to fit your attendance around your child care and arrange to take work home - I know people who have done this on access courses. Have you talked to pastoral care at the college?

Original poster
2tired2cry · 23/12/2014 20:39

No, trip trap you have just made stuff up now. That was a response to 2 different questions, bf & I have been together over a year but broke up over the summer. SS have been involved since before we split up.

OP posts:
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 23/12/2014 20:40

I'm going to be blatantly honest here but from ongoing threads not just over the past few months or year it appears you do struggle to meet the needs of your children practically never mind emotionally.
You have struggled time and time again to get them to and from school on time and various professionals have raised concerns about you meeting your own personal care needs and relationships with new partners.
You fail to see why this is not appropriate or raises concerns and in this case feel you are being victimised by SS for simply wanting to study.
You are painting a wildly different picture to reality and seem unable to grasp the actual issues. Your kids need a mother who can nurture them and meet their needs at the present time not a mother who is academic it means nothing to them but their stability does.
You need to concentrate on meeting your kids needs only at the moment and when you have got through this you can concentrate on what's going to be good for you

LIZS · 23/12/2014 20:42

If I have the right op the field for which you wish to train is very specialist, so jobs in the longer term may be hard to come by without experience and even if successful may well mean uprooting the dc again. This would be true whether your dc were both nt or not. Could it be that they feel now is not the time to take such risks and that getting more general qualifications and perhaps a less personally fulfilling job might serve everyone better for now? Agree with pp that you may not be helping by opting to live away from college and other amenities thus limiting your options and protracting your travel time.

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