in thinking the SS have unreasonable expectations of me?

[2tired2cry]

My family are involved with SS.

Please be gentle with my about this as I beat myself up about it enough and am constantly being crushed by the guilt and pressure of the situation as it is.

I am currently retraining in a completely different area than my previous career since my exH left me and my previous job was incompatible with family life, always working holidays, split shifts, late nights etc.

I have 2 dc's, one of whom is severely mentally disabled, physically he is in perfect health so no hospital visits etc just a lot of work on communication and so on.

SS think that retraining and attempting to get a job is unreasonable. They consider this to be selfish and me 'putting myself first'. I have basically been told by them that they think I should stay at home and just be a full time carer for dc.

I can see why they feel this but my argument is how am I supposed to support myself and dc's when I am not working? Yes, I can exist on benefits for a while but
a) I don't want to
b) I want my dc's to have a working parent
c) Its better for my own mental health if I am working
d) what happens when all the child related benefits stop when the dc's turn 18 (tax credits etc) and I can't get a job because I haven't worked for years?

All I have asked them for is help with childcare so that I can continue to train/work like anyone else but they feel that because dc is disabled that I shouldn't be working/training?

Who is right here? I really feel it is the best thing for me to at least try and work, if only part time for now, whereas they really seem to feel that me doing this is wrong and I just cant see why.

[GraysAnalogy]

Read back story and I can honestly say you need to put priority on your children.

[wasitsomethingisaid]

I don't know the OP's history, but I didn't see OP suggesting the children would be removed.

OP, talk to the SS about the practicalities of leaving the course, and how they would expect you to pay back the monies, having said you can do the course. Explain calmly the effect this will have on your life. Other posters have suggested moving course, did you know most universities now do online courses?

Call your Tutor and Loan officer as well. You sound stressed already, is this course adding to the stress?

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

If however she has a written report that says "everything's great we just think parents of disabled children shouldn't work and studying or working is a CP issue" as she implied up thread then I stand corrected

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

If she's the same poster I think she is then it really is not that simple. She drops the course in a few months time she will do something else that constitutes an issue.

Unfortunately she is not yet at a stage where she can understand what the problem is. As she is unable to do that she cannot fix it.

[Imscarlet]

But it is at this point, isn't it? Regardless of the whole back story which is being dripfed, the SS don't want her to do this course for whatever their reasons may be and if she does they will remove the children. When you cut to the chase, that is the crux of it. Everything else is just details.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Because it is not as cut and dried as that. Doing a normal course is highly unlikely to meet the criteria of significant harm that is required to remove a child/ren.

Reading between the lines and if my memory is correct the op is likely to be unable to cope with the course and parenting and managing herself in general and that is what the problem is.

[LIZS]

I'm not sure it is that cut and dried about the course, one of the days is a non-teaching day so she could return for school pick up but she still prefers to use ASC. However the sticking point may well be that op digs her heels in against advice, refuses to compromise until it suits her and then goes off at a complete tangent. She is also very quick to blame those very same people who offer advice when things take a negative turn, including posters on here.

[Imscarlet]

I'm just struggling to understand why the OP doesn't see the danger of losing her kids and trying to rationalise it. It's cut and dry - do course, lose kids, don't do course, keep kids.

[TheVioletTinsel]

Oh sorry for the duff suggestion op

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

Family Fund don't provide for driving lessons anymore Violet but there may be alternatives

[TheVioletTinsel]

Agree with trip trap. Op is struggling to cope with the sah role but given issues with.ss would be wisest to do as ss suggests in the medium term. You might be able to apply to family fund for driving lessons op.

[turnaroundbrighteyes]

A few things struck me just from this thread OP

Firstly I think in a very difficult situation you have a strong and natural desire to do something to fix things and like many of us do have picked something within your comfort zone decided the course is it, and are probably investing far too much emotionally in it.

The fact that SS originally supported you must have made you very happy and feel that you could fix the situation you find yourself in.

But they changed their minds. Can kind of see why - Sorry!

1. The Dr thought you would benefit from AD's or counselling. You are doing neither. Yes quite entitled to say no to the ad's, sad the counselling the GP advised is out of the question, but could you focus your energy on sourcing an alternative?
   

1. You have a new relationship - again totally entitled to one, but will take up some of your time as will travelling from the course. It's also been on / off.
   

1. Christmas. The highlight of the year, all parents look forward to little one's faces lighting up on Christmas Day. With the neglect you had a perfect reason to keep little ones all to yourself over Christmas with maybe skype or a short visit to Daddy, but chose not to. Why? is I'm sure what SS are wondering.
   

In your shoes I'd forget the money, forget everything else and just concentrate on the kids. Given they appear to have already assessed your parents as suitable carers it seems you need to work very hard at co-operating with SS despite your feelings to keep them. Assume the fact grandparents are being discussed means ex isnt suitable and they are only happy for Christmas with his GF as sole carer.

All the best

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

I think you are well of the mark Imscarlet She was in a relationship with the father but working away. Met the new bloke after,split,then recently got back together. There's much much more to it than the op has put here.

but she could change things with a little help and recognition. It's not easy with an autistic child, I think she just needs help understanding and accepting, aswell as with the issues that SS are concerned about. I also think she needs to see her doctor though

[Imscarlet]

In my mind I have decided that what we have here is a woman who has left her relationship, who moved out of the family home to work/be with new boyfriend maybe and hoped that her DH would look after the children. That didn't work out and she is now involuntarily solely responsible for these children and is stuck in a place she never banked on being when her relationship broke up. I'm guessing the relationship with the new Bf broke up when she has to return to look after her children though has now resumed. I think the college course is more looking for an out than anything else and I think behind it all she may feel that SS removing the children may not be the worst thing that may happen and would allow her to resume her new life where she left off. I could be totally off the mark, but that's what I've taken from it.

[GraysAnalogy]

You'll be on call as a student midwife won't you?

[wasitsomethingisaid]

Point taken! In your position OP I would think realustically, dog grooming/walking, secretarial, etc that you can do locally with low start up costs. You are in the country how about wood crafts on ebay? I won'tcriticise you Op you sound stressed, confused and exhausted. Call your loan officer and your college, maybe they can help?

[Inthedarkaboutfashion]

SS have not (by my understanding) encouraged OP to take a loan and go to study, that was her own doing.

[wasitsomethingisaid]

They have encouraged you to do a course and take a loan, and now are trying to force you off the coursr, leaving you penniless? Write to your Mp, complain to them and suggest they are lowering your kids' standard of living. This is little short of criminal!

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

Ah, worked out who the op is too now,after a bit of searching.

OP, you really need to calm and think about things. Yes,social services are annoying,but they have concerns and you do not seem to take anything seriously. You jump in and out of things, including emotionally which doesn't seem too stable, among other things and I can kinda understand their concerns from the limited information I've managed to find.

Please get yourself some help. Get somebody who can attend meetings and appointments with you who can help you understand what is going so wrong.Hang fire on full time college for now.

I know some things are hard and there are times when you need to do something for yourself just to keep yourself up, but that's not a constant thing and shouldn't be when it means putting it above things that they are criticising you for.

How about using a bit of your carers allowance or the dla to fund a cleaner?

As for constant supervision, I'm afraid that's normal with an autistic. Don't take it too literally but yes you need to constantly supervise,locking yourself in your room crying over a man and leaving him to 'play' in a seperate room for hours on end isn't good.

Get some help

[ArsenicStew]

OP what is the financial consequence of pulling out of your course now, with a view to restarting next Sept, as you understand it?

[WooWooOwl]

Why can't you get a job that you don't have to study this long for?

I could understand retraining if you had a decent chance of a job at the end of it, but this just sounds like you want the luxury of being able to do the sort of study that childless school leavers do, and I don't see why you should have that when you have children to support.

Retrain and get a better job by all means, but either do it when you don't have children that are financially dependant on you, or choose the quickest possible route.

Stop using 'study' as an excuse not to live up to the responsibilities you have right now.

[Madmum24]

OP I gathered from your other thread that your BF lives with you. Sorry if I have misunderstood.

[Bathsheba]

Are you the poster who decided she wanted to be a forensic scientist after watching 1 too many episodes of CSI....????