in thinking the SS have unreasonable expectations of me?

[2tired2cry]

My family are involved with SS.

Please be gentle with my about this as I beat myself up about it enough and am constantly being crushed by the guilt and pressure of the situation as it is.

I am currently retraining in a completely different area than my previous career since my exH left me and my previous job was incompatible with family life, always working holidays, split shifts, late nights etc.

I have 2 dc's, one of whom is severely mentally disabled, physically he is in perfect health so no hospital visits etc just a lot of work on communication and so on.

SS think that retraining and attempting to get a job is unreasonable. They consider this to be selfish and me 'putting myself first'. I have basically been told by them that they think I should stay at home and just be a full time carer for dc.

I can see why they feel this but my argument is how am I supposed to support myself and dc's when I am not working? Yes, I can exist on benefits for a while but
a) I don't want to
b) I want my dc's to have a working parent
c) Its better for my own mental health if I am working
d) what happens when all the child related benefits stop when the dc's turn 18 (tax credits etc) and I can't get a job because I haven't worked for years?

All I have asked them for is help with childcare so that I can continue to train/work like anyone else but they feel that because dc is disabled that I shouldn't be working/training?

Who is right here? I really feel it is the best thing for me to at least try and work, if only part time for now, whereas they really seem to feel that me doing this is wrong and I just cant see why.

[Imscarlet]

I would worry about a course that costs £5000 for a year's tuition. I don't think you will be able to qualify as a scientist in a year. You say you live in a rural area with limited seasonal work - how do you propose to work as a scientist when you qualify with no means of transport? I would have thought that the 5k would have been better spent on organising a car for yourself and your children.

I don't know how to advise you with regard to SS as you seem determined to fight this with them even if it means that you may lose your children as a result. I can't offer you any validation in that regard. Best of luck.

[Inthedarkaboutfashion]

I assumed the £5k was for an access type course and has been paid for with a study type loan which couldn't have been used for a car. If OP goes to uni next year she will not have to repay that loan (but will have to repay uni tuition fee loans and maintenance loans if she gets a job at end of her degree).

[MagicMojito]

I'd say take a step back a look at your situation. Try and see what other people can see.

Best of luck

[Tinks42]

Oh get off your high horse Leftyloony.

[2tired2cry]

Yes, exactly that.

[2tired2cry]

Inthedark I meant

[LeftyLoony]

So that was what you meant then?

[Tinks42]

errrr, someone spoiling for a fight here? get your "buns" out then lefty. You know full well that wasn't what I meant. Im not even going to justify myself here as there is absolutely no need.

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

Op, I think you need to think about this properly.A lot if replies to this thread are with posters assuming this is the childrens disability team but it isn't,is it,it's the child protection team,right?

In which case they actually have concerns about your children and your parenting and you need to try to fully understand their concerns and find out exactly what their issues are.

SS don't provide respite as a means of childcare so you can work and/or study. Although,I believe in some circumstances it can come as part of direct payments.But if they don't agree with it,due to the child protection concerns,you aren't going to get it.

Personally,as someone with a severe and complex autistic child who has a disability social worker and is a child in need due to his disability (this is what gets services for disabled children and their families,that and carers assessments,although they prefer to do both together,seeing it as whole family,with child in need),is one of the most complex in the catchment area,has his own room and is generally 2:1 at school,who lost respite two years due to a cock up and is still waiting for something to be sorted while I manage to get 4-5 hours sleep a night and have nobody at all to help,I think you need to be grateful for what you've had and start taking things seriously!

[LeftyLoony]

Nope. I'm not the one that rocked up on a thread kicking someone when they're down.

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

She meant exactly as she said Lefty things have to fit into your parenting/family life rather than the other way round.Sometimes we HAVE to make different choices because of our responsibilities.That applies to everyone who can't do things easily

[RebeccaMumsnet]

Erm, tis the season of peace and love everyone. Can we try and be a little more civil please. We'd rather not have to delete posts if we can help it.

Thanking you kindly.
Merry Christmas

[2tired2cry]

Trip trap, I'm not asking for respite so I can work/study, I'm asking for respite one day a week on the weekend so I can spend some 1:1 time with my other child who isnt disabled. All the other childcare has been sorted and payment organised by me.

Inthedark, the course is in school hours the travel time isnt. But you are exactly right in saying that the £5000 is for a student loan + transport/childcare grant.

When exH was neglecting the dcs I was living several hundred miles away and, stupidly, I believed him when he said everything was fine. He had lots of help from parents (who were close at the time) and friends. Bad call on my part but as soon as I realised what was going on things changed.

[ILovePud]

It would be crap if you lost the money you'd paid out for the access course OP but those problems are not insurmountable, the issue with the kids seems much more pressing to me. You obviously an intelligent and eloquent woman, I remember past threads of yours in which you posted about similar problems with school and SS and you always come across as someone who is capable of putting forward coherent and reasonable arguments. I'm just concerned that the cumulative effect of this pattern of problems may look like you are being obstructive to those with the power to remove your kids. It sounds like you are really struggling, I'd consider seeking another referral for counselling, for your own sake not because SS are telling you to do this. I hope things start looking up for you soon.

[2tired2cry]

Also the course fees etc get paid directly, I dont even see the money so no way it can be used for anything else.

[Bulbasaur]

I think Tink made it obviously clear she meant that even if OP had a child that wasn't disabled she'd have to work around child care and school. She's right. Even if she had NT children, she'd still have to make a choice about what's best for her family as a whole. Kids complicate things. You aren't just making choices for you anymore.

As for OP, there's a whole load of other issues going on that I'm not even going to touch.

I will just say this. SS does not take away children as a punishment. It is not a punishment on the parent, it is to put children in the best environment possible. Parent's feelings don't factor into it, nor should they. If that best environment is with OP's parents, then that is where SS will put them. If the OP proves the best environment is with her, SS will leave them there. That's all there is to it in SS's eyes. They don't care if she works, goes to school, or dicks around on the internet. They only care that she provides the best environment possible for her children, and if she doesn't they'll find someone who will.

So it comes down to what OP wants more. Children or a career. She could still see her children at her parent's house and move to be closer to them. But if she can't be the best situation for them while she's suicidal and isolated, then she needs to consider what's truly best for her kids, not herself.

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

But OP,you say in your original post that you have asked them for help with childcare so you can work.Now you're saying site for a different reason.Which is it?

What happened with your direct payments?Did they stop or are they just waiting for you to find a new carer?

[2tired2cry]

Its more that I just really cant afford to pay back the fees Pud. Just the other day I had a letter from my old council saying that there was a huge overpayment of housing benefit and because my name was on the tenancy I have to pay it. All because my ex lied and claimed money he wasnt owed. He did the same thing with crisis loans and I had to pay it back. He has completely screwed me in more ways than one.

I'm really not trying to be argumentative or uncooperative, I talked through my plans for study extensively with SS before I applied and they agreed it was a good idea and that they would support me. DCs school said the same thing. Then after I started they completely changed their tune.

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

That's something I want to pick up on actually,Bulbasaur, if the op is depressed and suicidal why refuse anti depressants? Or did she end up agreeing

[fairgame]

Can you definitely get respite while SS are involved? I'm only asking because my LA won't give any respite to families where they children are on a child protection plan. It baffles me because sometimes it's those families that need it the most.
I had a similar situation when DS (asd) was little. I was advised by his keyworker (not SS) to give up work and look after him. I didn't feel that i needed to but in the end his childcare broke down and i had no choice. I have accepted that i can't do my chosen career at this moment and have picked a job that fits in with DS's school. It was definitely worth the sacrifice, its made everything a lot easier, i'm less stressed and he is less stressed. Hopefully i can go back to my career when he is older.

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

Have things gone downhill since you applied? You mentioned something earlier about the housework.Has that gone downhill and is contributing to their concerns?

[2tired2cry]

Sorry triptrap, youre right I didnt make that clear.

Originally I did ask for help with childcare as I didn't know of anyone I could use that would be suitable. It was more of a 'here is a list of people that might be suitable' request rather than a 'I expect you to find and fund suitable childcare so I can study' request.

When it became clear they couldnt provide that I found suitable childcare of my own. They suggested direct payments a long time ago to enable me to spend time with my other dc but it took them a very long time to set up and I had to find the respite person myself.

Now I'm trying to find a new person, the payments are still ongoing for the moment but if I cant find anyone soon I will have to give it back as I'm not allowed to spend it on anything else.

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

Well,you're lucky to have it.Make use of it! Are there no agencies in your area that can assist with such things?Most places have one that people can use to help find carers and,if needed,manage it for you. Where have you looked and advertised for a carer? Is there someone who could recommend one (check with parents in local disability support groups etc),carers centre etc.People often advertise through the job centre too

[ILovePud]

It sounds like things are so difficult for you on a lot of fronts, have you approached any debt management charities to see if they could work with the council and other creditors? It must feel particularly galling if your kids school and SS seem to have backtracked on commitments to support your Uni course but I'm concerned that it will be you who suffers if you can't find a way to do what they are asking of you.

[2tired2cry]

Triptrap, generally no things are much better but one day the SW came round there was a pile of washing on the sofa and they turned up about 10 minutes after I got home with dcs so I didnt have time to tidy up. That was written down.

Pud, I only got the letter yesterday so no not yet.

Oh, cant remember who said it but someone said about my parents working and having the dcs? If they did have them one of them would have to give up work but they would still have one salary coming in, which I dont have.