in thinking the SS have unreasonable expectations of me?

[2tired2cry]

My family are involved with SS.

Please be gentle with my about this as I beat myself up about it enough and am constantly being crushed by the guilt and pressure of the situation as it is.

I am currently retraining in a completely different area than my previous career since my exH left me and my previous job was incompatible with family life, always working holidays, split shifts, late nights etc.

I have 2 dc's, one of whom is severely mentally disabled, physically he is in perfect health so no hospital visits etc just a lot of work on communication and so on.

SS think that retraining and attempting to get a job is unreasonable. They consider this to be selfish and me 'putting myself first'. I have basically been told by them that they think I should stay at home and just be a full time carer for dc.

I can see why they feel this but my argument is how am I supposed to support myself and dc's when I am not working? Yes, I can exist on benefits for a while but
a) I don't want to
b) I want my dc's to have a working parent
c) Its better for my own mental health if I am working
d) what happens when all the child related benefits stop when the dc's turn 18 (tax credits etc) and I can't get a job because I haven't worked for years?

All I have asked them for is help with childcare so that I can continue to train/work like anyone else but they feel that because dc is disabled that I shouldn't be working/training?

Who is right here? I really feel it is the best thing for me to at least try and work, if only part time for now, whereas they really seem to feel that me doing this is wrong and I just cant see why.

IlovePud, I am well aware just how close I am.

Just as another example, a while back they asked me to see the GP as they were concerned about my 'low mood' and mental health. I did, and the only services available were anti-depressants (which I dont feel I need and dont want to take), or councilling sessions.

I was happy to do the councilling sessions but they were either a) too far away for me to travel to and from in time to pick up dc's from school (I dont have any transport and at the time dc finished school at 1pm) or b) in the evening when I couldnt get childcare.

I asked for help with either transport to the sessions or childcare so I could attend evening sessions and was told no. And this was so I could comply with something they had requested.

Social services are simultaneously getting knocked here for trying to provide a service on the cheap and also for being over involved and visiting three times a day. If SS have become involved because of CP concerns then it is naïve to think that they will allow a move to the disabilities team. We don't know what SS current concerns are but of they are visiting several times a day you can bet that they have significant concerns (I have no idea whether these are justified or not). I don't think that complaining will help here, if all the professional involved are saying the same thing then you need to listen and work with them, even if you think what they are saying is a load of crap.

*Look SS don't automatically have involvement with families who have children with additional needs

They do if your child cannot access mainstream playschemes without support. And given the OP's description of her child it would be expected that SS be involved. How else will she access childcare?*

No they don't. It may vary across the country but I can assure you here they don't.

Sorry OP x posted there, I'm not trying to argue with you over whether what they want you to do is reasonable or not but if you keep throwing up yes buts to their suggestions you will be labelled as uncooperative and non compliant. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I really don't mean to be, it sounds like you are stuck in a terrible position and I feel for you.

I agree 3 visits a day is bullying or harassment or both. It's crazy. Could you go and see your GP and say this is making things worse. I'm sure any sensible person would say three visits a day is total madness. And Iagree with asking for somebody from CWD scheme. They should be more understanding.

So how do you access specialist childcare or platschemes without SS Simba? They approve the funding.

I think (and honestly I can only guess) that their main concerns are:

in the past I have been depressed and they are worried I will be again

in the past I have taken what they consider to be too long to make non essential medical appointments (dentist, optician check ups etc) and they worry I will again

they are concerned that I prioritise my own needs (in the form of study and work) over the children

they think the dcs are in childcare too much (before & after school 2 days and after school 1 day)

That is pretty much it. I have never had an alcohol or drug issues, I've never been abusive.

I think the 3 visits a day (some days, not all days) are more as a result of different departments not communicating with each other rather than them thinking that 3 visits a day are necessary, I think if that is the case they would have been removed already.

So the social workers are from the child protection team and your dc's disability is irrelevant to these issues. Do ss feel that you are not engaging with them properly and that your college course is just a distraction from sorting out some stability for your dc. I suspect that the main issue ss has is with the timing of the course and that it should have been delayed until your home life is stable because if everything is not in place then your home life will suffer and hence so will the children.

It does sound a bit like you want ss to do pretty much everything for you but part of proving you can care for someone else ie the dc is proving you can do things for yourself.

When you get these 3 visits a day what time of day are they coming and what is the purpose of each visit. How long have you had that level of involvement.

OP if SS are visiting you three times a day then someone needs to explain to you why. That is certainly not normal!

I have children with complex care needs, and almost sice their birth we have been assigned a SW from the "children with disabilities" team attached to the child developmental clinic. This is from the Heath Trust, not the ordinary SS that is a universal service.

x posted there, so the visits are actually different people, how many different teams do you have involved with you at the moment.

If the children are in child care for only half the week, they really are being a bit ridiculous: plenty of parents have their children in child care before and after school every day of the week.

I don't agree with knocking SS for exercising their child protection responsibilities, it's an incredibly difficult job and not one I would volunteer for. However, sometimes you get the feeling that they pursue the easy targets and this is looking a bit like it. I don't think there is too much OP can do about it, but I do think if the information given is the sum total of their concerns then they really are not going to be able to get any sort of care order.

Look SS don't automatically have involvement with families who have children with additional needs

Partly true, partly not. SS are supposed in law to have involvement under the Children Act 1989: a disabled child is a child in need under that Act, which means they have a duty to assess their needs at the very least and provide for them if they and their families are found to require additional help. The reality is, of course, that funding is so inadequate and SS are under so much pressure that it doesn't happen in practice. But it certainly ought to be automatic.

Oh so there is a back story.

Err, when did I say I wanted them to do everything for me Can't? I have said almost the total opposite, that I dont need anything except respite/direct payments and I have sorted everything else out myself!

Vists been going on since november.

One SS, one disabilities team (to do a course with me designed to manage disabled dc's behaviours but they still count that as a 'visit') and one crisis team, who work with SS and have come at their request.

As I said on the days I have had 3 visits it seems to be that the crisis team were not aware I had already had 2 visits as the departments dont talk to each other.

We have never had a SW with the 'children with disabilities' team, even though dc was diagnosed nearly 4 years ago.

Madmum, yes there is but my aibu question about whether it is unreasonable for me to want to study and work is still valid.

I asked for help with either transport to the sessions or childcare so I could attend evening sessions and was told no. And this was so I could comply with something they had requested.

This is asking them to do things that you can arrange for yourself.

But I couldn't arrange it myself, hence asking for help! If I could have done it myself I would have

It sounds to me as if you need a change of SW. It's not easy to get that - but I have had friends with kids with disabilities who have ended up in similar situations & the only way it's been sorted is through a change in SW. Some can end up like a dog with a bone & be downright dangerous.

It's hard though & the only way they've got that change is through complaints & MP's which takes every you may not have.

I see you as having 2 options. The first is to come back at them with your own complaints or put your plans on hold to play their game until you can get them off your back.

If you are doing a college course, doesn't that finish in time for you to get the children after school, so you will only need minimal childcare? If it's an access course wouldn't they let you leave a bit earlier? I have friends who did access courses who finished in time to drop off/collect their kids from school.

I think reading between the lines social services concerns are you once worked while the children were neglected, they see this as you prioritising work over your children's well-being. now there is only one parent in the home and again you are undertaking something that will Luke you away from the home for long periods again when they see it as a time your children need you.

if you have had a lot going on the past few months wouldn't it be best for everyone especially your children to take some time out and just be there for them. once you have sorted out your home life and social services are happy would that not be the time to start thinking about a new career.

im not bashing you iM just thinking of it from social services point of view.

There has been a history of neglect. They are going to watch you super carefully as they won't risk neglect happening again. Not taking children to medical, dental appointments ect is a huge red flag for them. You were working when the children were neglected perhaps they are worried the same will happen again with intensive studying?

To answer your original question op: you are being unreasonable.

The sw's have told you that they think you are being selfish and putting your own needs before your children's. This is a reasonable statement given that the four reasons you listed to support your decisions are all concerned with meeting your own needs and you haven't noted any specific and significant way your children will benefit from your plans.

I'm not saying that you ought/ought not to be selfish, or that there aren't any alternative arguments concerning how your decisions might benefit your children. I'm just saying that you haven't given any here.

If you want to persist with your plans it would be sensible, I think, to formulate a strong argument centered upon the advantages to your children of you retraining/working and putting them in childcare as opposed to staying at home with them.

If you can't do that, then I'm afraid that you will have to concede that your plans are selfish and take it from there.

I think in your position I would drop out of the course asking if you could resume next September. Spend next few months playing doing exactly what ss want. Get everything in order. Show them you can meet all the appointments. Perhaps have some counselling even if it's online cbt