in thinking the SS have unreasonable expectations of me?

[2tired2cry]

My family are involved with SS.

Please be gentle with my about this as I beat myself up about it enough and am constantly being crushed by the guilt and pressure of the situation as it is.

I am currently retraining in a completely different area than my previous career since my exH left me and my previous job was incompatible with family life, always working holidays, split shifts, late nights etc.

I have 2 dc's, one of whom is severely mentally disabled, physically he is in perfect health so no hospital visits etc just a lot of work on communication and so on.

SS think that retraining and attempting to get a job is unreasonable. They consider this to be selfish and me 'putting myself first'. I have basically been told by them that they think I should stay at home and just be a full time carer for dc.

I can see why they feel this but my argument is how am I supposed to support myself and dc's when I am not working? Yes, I can exist on benefits for a while but
a) I don't want to
b) I want my dc's to have a working parent
c) Its better for my own mental health if I am working
d) what happens when all the child related benefits stop when the dc's turn 18 (tax credits etc) and I can't get a job because I haven't worked for years?

All I have asked them for is help with childcare so that I can continue to train/work like anyone else but they feel that because dc is disabled that I shouldn't be working/training?

Who is right here? I really feel it is the best thing for me to at least try and work, if only part time for now, whereas they really seem to feel that me doing this is wrong and I just cant see why.

[GritStrength]

Sounds to me this is, in part at least, about SS budget. If they have to pay for childcare etc that will come out of your budget. Whereas if you live off benefits even if that is more expensive to the tax payer in aggregate, they don't pay.

[randomAXEofkindness]

What about the ou? You could do 60 points a year and easily have it done and dusted within school time. No need for an access course.

[saintlyjimjams]

Just a thought OP - have you had a carers assessment? If not ask for one (they cannot refuse) & as part of that they have to consider how they will support you in working.

[BigChocFrenzy]

SS are BVU, but life isn't fair.

First, ask your GP if he / she thinks you need counselling. If so, suck it up and organise it yourself. If not, get a letter to SS saying so.

[Haffdonga]

I'm shocked that people are telling you not to do your course. Posters, do you know how damaging it can be for a carer's mental health and well-being to be forced to leave employment or education if they don't want to? That is not in the best interests of the dcs.

The government recognises that's it's better both for carers themselves and for the economy as a whole if carers are supported to stay in work.

Report

You are equally worthy of your own life, your own mental well-being and your own career as your dcs will be in the future.

Did you know you have the right to a Carers Assessment. This is an assessment of your needs, not your dcs and it should take into account your own need to have an independent working life? Not that it will produce any cash, but it can be used as added 'evidence' of your need for support.

If SS are genuinely concerned though, and their threat to remove your dcs is a real one, it sounds like you need to be very honest with yourself about whether your dcs are suffering neglect. It sounds like you aren't going to get any real help from SS and you are going to have to prove to them that your dcs are thriving.

Possible suggestions (and apologies if these are no use):

• could you get your mum/dad to make regular visits to you at your busy times? (if nothing else to appease SS)
  
• could you get an au-pair or home help? Not to care for your disabled dc but to lighten the load of housework or doing the shopping etc?
  
• our local college places trainee nursery nurses in family homes for work experience. Would a work placement student be able to help?
  
• is the dcs' father or his extended family of any use?
  
• anti-depressants. If your doctor suggested them and you can't access the counselling, they may be worth a try if you are feeling depressed.
  

It seems to me there's a triple whammy going on here. 1. to make sure your dcs are ok and 2. to make sure you are OK and 3. to show the SS that you are all coping.

Good luck

[ReputableBiscuit]

OP, was it you whose husband was taking drugs while caring for the kids and while you weren't there? Apologies if not.

Honestly, I'd do whatever it takes to persuade SS that the kids are your priority. All things being equal, a parent of disabled dc should be able to work but you're not starting from a blank sheet: SS have concerns because your children were neglected by their parents.

[2tired2cry]

NC, the course finishes at the same time as school but I have to spend 2hrs on public transport each way, hence the necessity for childcare. There was no closer campus.

Mommy, I was at home 24/7 for over a year before I decided to retrain. I feel we are in a vastly better situation now (SS aside) than we were a year ago, myself and the dcs.

Purple, I did take them to the appointments they just didnt feel it was quick enough. They were not neglected by me but by my exH when I was living away from the family home for work. I didn't realise until SS were involved. Obviously this will not be the case if I started work again. I cannot drop out of my current course without having to pay back £5000+ in grants and course fees, which financially I cant afford to do, especially if I cant get a job. I wont have to pay this back if I finish the course.

Random, my dcs will benefit by having a mother who isnt horribly depressed, isolated and suicidal, not to mention having enough money to live in a decent house with heating and food on the table. My first two points on that lists are issues from the past, as in over a year ago these were raised as a concern and have since been resolved. But they still bring it up when asked.
The course I'd doing is not offered by the OU, plus my study is the only interaction I get and is valuable to me and by extension, the dcs.

[ILovePud]

HaffDonga I think your angry face is misplaced, nobody is suggesting OP should suspend her retraining lightly but having her kids removed is likely to devastating for her mental health. It does seem really unfair that she is in a position of having to make these choices but if she is getting this message from lots of professionals involved in her family's case (and with the power to remove her kids) then she needs to be realistic about her choices and priorities.

[ReputableBiscuit]

OP, whether or not SS are BU, I would take their concerns very seriously. They hold the cards here. They doubt your judgement because you left your kids with someone who neglected them.

FWIW, I would love to re-train or work out of the home at a job I like, but I can't because of my DCs' disabilities. This sucks and i really feel for you.

[ILovePud]

OP it sounds like you are in a very difficult place, I don't think you need to convince MN of the value of your training but you do need to convince SS, are you getting anywhere putting these arguments forwards or are they just seeing you as awkward?

[2tired2cry]

BigChoc, I have been assessed by the GP and he felt I didn't need any. Although, as I said, had I needed it I would have been happy to but did not have any access to evening childcare or transport to the appointments.

Unfortunately Haff mine and exH's family all live too far away to be of any help, also my parents both work full time so are not in a position to travel extensively to see us.

I can't afford any sort of home help (especially if I can't work) and we don't have the space for an au-pair/nanny.

DCs are very happy at the moment, they love going to the after school childcare as they get access to toys etc they dont have a home and a huge garden to play in (we dont have a garden). So much so that dc1 asks to go there everyday! I really feel that interacting with other children and adults benefits my disabled dc too, as it encourages him to learn to communicate with people other than me. He is now able to make himself understood by people who dont know him where he couldnt before.

[ReputableBiscuit]

OP, do you think you would get the mental health benefits of working by doing something PT and 'easy' such as shop work, cleaning? You could do a few hours out of the house, earn

[2tired2cry]

I probably would benefit from doing some kind of work, whatever it was, but I live in a rural area where the job opportunities are extremely seasonal and very limited, plus a lot of them require transport or out of school hours.

[2tired2cry]

Not trying to be difficult by the way, I'm just looking at the reality.

[cailindana]

The way it looks to me is and the way I'd say SS are seeing (rightly or not) is:

Your DH was neglectful (to what extent? It would have to be pretty severe for SS to get involved)
You worked away and were unaware of neglect (how? - a lack of knowledge about your own children is very concerning).
You've been horribly depressed and suicidal
Your child has a disability and so requires more care than a typical child.

These things combined would mean they are expecting you now to move heaven and earth to prove that you are dedicated to your children and not likely to let you or them fall into the same situation again. And all you're doing is making grand plans that mean more stress and upheaval for all of you, while simultaneously making excuses about why you can't follow their suggestions as to how to make things better.

It definitely does seem to be the case that the care and support you need is available (and that's something many parents in your position face) but I suppose from their point of view if you can't manage now without them holding your hand every step of the way, how are you going to manage when you're studying fulltime?

My advice OP would be to stop fighting them. Listen to what they have to say. Stop making excuses and stop looking for assistance with everything. Sort things out, show that you can do it.

Neglect is a massive concern. They have already threatened to remove your children, and they don't do that lightly. You've let your children down before, and they're rightly concerned you will do it again.

Wise up.

[cailindana]

Sorry that should say "the care and support you need is not available

[ReputableBiscuit]

Well, 'looking at the reality', OP, you have a history of making bad choices and you have to convince SS, not just yourself, that these days you make better ones. Sorry to be so blunt but frankly, just do what they ask, play nice, and hopefully they'll retreat into the background in the long term.

btw, you say things are much better for your family than a year ago, but that a 'crisis' team is one of the agencies intervening. That looks like evidence that SS are still actively worried about your kids.

[Tinks42]

They are both in (the same) mainstream school full time

But surely this is the same for every parent wanting to retrain regardless of a child being disabled or not? You have to fit it round your children, they go to school all day.

Were you wanting other care too?

I had a part-time job (when studying) which allowed me to apply for tax credits etc. and paid for after school care if needed.

[Purplepoodle]

Iv worked in university. Go talk to them. They can provide you counselling on site.

[Madmum24]

OP a year is not a massively long time in SS's eyes. They are still monitoring you, therefore you have to comply.

The thing you said about working away and not knowing that your children were being neglected (?!) rings alarm bells. Something is not adding up here.

I have children with SN and as a result of their needs/treatment work is a dream for now. I know how lonely it can be, which is why I spend too much time on MN rely on the online platform for research, studying and interaction with others. I really wanted to do a voluntary placement in my related field but I had to make a one day a week comittment for one year, which I couldn't commit to in case an emergency happened. The reality is that my children have to be my priority.

If your parents work FT and SS felt your children would be better off with them, this is not a straight case of you wanting to study/work that is a concern with SS.

[Inthedarkaboutfashion]

I have a disabled DC and managed to do a degree. We had to use childcare a few days a week after school and SS helped us to find a suitable childminder with the required skills. However, they did make it clear from the outset that financing childcare or travel to childcare was not part of their remit (I checked all the forms and it isn't, they were correct). They have a team who can provide lists of suitable childcare and they can provide some funding for settling in sessions and training for the childcarer but that is all. They don't even allow direct payments to be used for childcare to enable parental study / work as childcare is not considered to be short breaks or respite (even though childcare for children with disabilities is often horrendously expensive).
Obviously different areas have different policies and some areas will go above their minimum legal obligations, but many don't especially with all the cuts.
In all honesty, as much as I wanted to complete my course I was aware throughout that it wouldn't be easy and that if the children's needs were compromised at any time I would have to give up / postpone my course.
In defence of SS, I am not surprised that they have concerns about OPs capacity to study full time and meet the children's basic needs. Missing or delaying medical appointments is a huge red flag for SS and if OP couldn't manage that whilst not studying then it raises concerns about her ability to manage whilst studying.
I'm not saying that OP is wrong to want to study but I am trying to see things from both sides (based on the limited info given).
OP: is the any way you can reduce your course to part time so that most of the study takes place during school hours?

[Inthedarkaboutfashion]

And I don't work currently as I cannot afford the £28 per hour for specialist childcare (my child's needs are more significant than when I studied). Not working has had a huge impact on my own MH but I am well aware that my children's needs come well before my own and that any negative impact on them would be even more detrimental to my MH than not working.
It isn't right that parent carers often have to 'choose' between working and looking after their child who has a disability but it is the reality for very many.

[Tinks42]

Jobs also have to fit in with being a parent. I wanted to go into nursing but it required me to train during hours that weren't compatible, so I chose to do something else instead. Thats life.

[LeftyLoony]

Tinks are you trying to say that having a child with disabilities is no different to having a child that doesn't? I certainly hope not.

[DeWee]

There are a few things here:

1. You say you asked SS for help with childcare-but then you've said you have child care. What actually did you ask for?
   

Personally I would think a good SW would have knowledge of/able to access childcare options for disabled children, but I may be wrong on that.

1. I wonder if the thing is they're not worried about you working as such, but more the doing a year's studying. I assume (I think you said midwife) that would lead to a career-is there a nearby hospital you'd be pretty much sure of a job there.
   

But the thing about doing a course if there is any possibility of no work at the end, is that you're spending a year of hard work, spending more money in course fees etc. So if you didn't get a job you could be worse off than if you'd done nothing all year.

1. If I'm right on midwife... how does that fit in with child care. The thing is the midwives I know all work shift work, will do some nights, some weekends, don't have a lot of choice. Are they perhaps concerned that you are setting yourself up for a job you can't do round the children.