to wonder if you even realise you're doing it?

[JessieMcJessie]

I have a lot of friends with toddlers. I like to catch up with them now and again, and they seem to like the idea of spending some time with me.

However most of them seem to find it completely acceptable to ask me how I am, or get me to start telling an anecdote, but then repeatedly cut me off mid-sentence to talk to the child. I'm not talking about life-threatening situations here - it's absolutely fine to ignore my story about how my brother is recovering after his hospital stay in order to administer the heimlich manoevre to a three year old. You don't even need to say "excuse me" first.

But asking the child if they want some toast or a story - not so much. I suspect that this is how they engage with their partners/other Mums and they forget how it comes across to others, and they probably think that as a close friend I won't mind as I had said I wanted to see the toddler, and he/she is cute etc. I do mind though. Last time it happened I actually felt so offended I wanted to cry - my friend clearly wasn't the slightest bit interested in what I had to say and admitted when she finally turned her attention back to me that she'd forgotten what I'd said.

So. AIBU to wonder if you even notice that you're causing offence?

Neither was I.

Me neither and I had 3 under 15 months.

Big,big pet hate of mine.It's beyond rude and not good for children imvho. Learning from a young age that the world drops everything for your every demand and whimper is not a good lesson learnt.

Pictish - My toddler most definitely would not be able to do any f those things and Mama he wouldn't interrupt at all - he'd be destroying something/injuring himself if i didn't keep intervening. Offering toast may be a form of distraction or getting the dc to stay close.

On the rare occasions I skive off get out without my children to go shopping or some such I do see some children being pushed around Primark or House of Fraser for inordinate periods while they're ignored by the adult accompanying them as they shop.
Those kids don't seem to make much fuss tbh. I wont say they all look content but I can see they've learned to not bother interrupting. So I guess it can be done.

Im delighted so many of you have such reasonable toddlers!

I'm more than happy to refuse to serve DS a biscuit at his command - but if others are eating them, and he starts whining or begging and then strops out when he's told no, it's my duty as a parent to react to that isn't it?

Or if see him about to break something? Or push/bite another child?

Oh yes reacting to an actual problem is fine,breaking off every 5 mins is rude and kids who interrupt continuously like this do it because they know they can.

Mind knew only to interrupt when it was absolutely necessary.

Really? Your toddler would know when it was "absolutely necessary"
Stunning!

Well I hope when DS is old enough to have any concept of anything apart from his stomach, I'll have taught him the same.

I'll be honest here-I have been known to take DS to get togethers ive felt obliged to go to in order to have a distraction from people I didn't really want to see

There's not just the toddler taking your attention, it's when they're not -- like several stories here, there is a moment when I suddenly think, "DD hasn't interacted with me in a while..." and inevitably I find her quietly doing something she shouldn't be, with varying levels of danger. I think of it like commercials on TV. Every so often, I'll have to tend to the toddler, then I can hear about adult stuff. It makes me sad to think that some people think I don't have a right to engage in adult stuff if I have to be watching a toddler :( (and what is this child-free time of which people speak? not something easy to produce in my life, for sure).

Seriously if anyone thinks I'm going to ask their fucking permission before I speak to my child when I deem necessary they are delusional.

Christmas, own up. You're ops mate aren't you?

Not for much longer it seems

We are pretty must past this stage now DS2 is older. But to be honest I have 2 child free friends one I only chat to online these days and the other is a nanny so she does it more than me.

It gets better as they get older. NOW I tell them to wait, I am speaking. But when they were younger it would have been a horrible mistake to take my attention of them too much.

Gosh, there's a lot of competitive "my toddler is such hard work " here, I feel.

In all honesty, it just seems a bit needlessly dramatic to me. And before anyone asks, yes, I have DC (multiple) and some had SN so I'm no stranger to looking after toddlers. Yes, your eyes have to be on them but it is possible to have a conversation or answer a question etc. No wonder some DC grow up with the special snowflake mindset if their EVERY SINGLE WANT/NEED is anticipated and implemented with a running commentary, which is what some posters are describing. If people are like this parenting a NT toddler, how on earth would they cope with twins or DC with SN?

I am very aware of how I come across when meeting child free friends, because this used to drive me potty before I had DD! I only have two child free friends now. One is a nanny so understands, and the other lives a long way away so we mainly email.

But I do have long, in-depth conversations with all of my friends, with and without children present. I know very few sahm mothers of toddlers (don't know any wohm, not meaning to compare) who can't, tbh. Most toddler interactions can be done with very little concentration if it's routine stuff, and no-one minds if you have to stop and run through the conversation so far to work out where you'd got to! Today at a baby/toddler group I discussed lactivism vs feminism vs equalism and positive discrimination, careers, the normalisation of rape in our culture, and the future of the NHS. All in some depth whilst all of us watched our kids and dealt with nappies, sand throwing and bullying incidents, rescued a plate of Yule log, checked doors were locked, drew pictures and admired pictures, and had numerous toilet visits (2 are pregnant).

To someone else, perhaps it would have looked like we weren't paying attention to the conversation but we really were, just keeping the kids happy, safe and quiet as well!

Oh yes reacting to an actual problem is fine,breaking off every 5 mins is rude and kids who interrupt continuously like this do it because they know they can.

Just this really. My kids are ordinary kids, neither angels nor demons...and yes, I was able to conduct an adult conversation with a visiting friend without rudely cutting them off every few minutes to chase after my tot(s) or listen to their kiddy drivel. I had all the hours in the day otherwise to do that, so having a friend in was a welcome diversion that I embraced.

I don't recall ever doing anything clever to facilitate this, beyond putting the tv on/getting the duplo out/whatever and keeping an eye on them while my friend and I chatted. My kids understood "I am talking to xxx, so go and play".

Never had a problem with my toddler dominating visits. What can I say?

It feels a bit like parents can't win sometimes. If you don't pay sufficient attention to your toddler and they wander off / touch or climb on something they shouldn't / get under someone's feet then you're a shit parent. If you focus on them to make sure they don't do any of these things then you are rude and a bad friend.

My two (4 and 2) aren't too bad at interrupting if I get the chance to engage another adult in conversation; instead they take advantage of the lapse in my attention to run off and get into something they shouldn't. So yes, my eyes do wander and I'm likely to bolt mid-sentence to grab the absconder. I do apologize, and I do feel self conscious about being so flakey.

Fortunately most people seem to be understanding and laugh it off and reassure me rather than take tearful offence.

Agree with the majority here.

If my nearly 2 year old was calling Mumumumumum or making a naughty laughter noise I'd talk/run up to her because 1) I'd want to know what she was doing and 2) she doesn't understand the taking turns with talking thing yet. If she wasn't doing anything and it was something that could wait a few more minutes i.e. getting her something to eat then I wouldn't do it.

OP if they apologise profusely for HAVJNG to cut off and say "mummy is talking to aunty OP" does that makE IT BETTER?

Seriously if anyone thinks I'm going to ask their fucking permission before I speak to my child when I deem necessary they are delusional.

Don't worry - literally nobody has suggested anything of the sort.

Yabu, though if you don't have kids then I understand why. It is possible to meet friends for coffee and a chat and to totally ignore your toddler. A lot of people do it. I would not. My responsibility is to my child and I do not ignore them. If I meet friends when I am with my child I can chat a bit and won't give the child constant attention but I would give them plenty. If I was going to actually ignore the child I would choose to meet the friend without my child instead. Children are people too. Would you like it if you were with your friend and they met another friend and expected you to sit quietly whilst they chatted amongst themselves for a couple of hours?

I have one very excellent friend, who has now got a 1 year old, but even when childless would sweep into my house, forage around in her most fabulous un-puke covered handbag, barely look at the kids but would produce two cebeebies magazines / dress up outfits / a packet of stickers or some other thing that would attract my kids like magpies - and spend an entire conversation 'Stick it there, no there...so anyway told my husband...YES! You stuck it down! Well done you!... so I told him that yada yada...good sticking going on there. Very impressed...'

Essentially, she would come in and do what I would normally do, leaving me incredibly happy that I can relax for two bloody minutes without having to constantly amuse / respond to / coax etcetc my kids, we would get some great conversation in, because I am well versed in continuous interruptions and I can zone out from it, and my kids are completely at easy with her. In so many ways she is the least child friendly person I know, but is the one person who can successfully pull off in depth conversations and have me thoroughly enjoying my time with her. Might doing something like this work for you?

• at ease